I guess I wanted someone else to know as well

[Provost Harrison]

Well it is as Blake said, every dark cloud has a silver lining. But you have to be decisive - if you make a decision, make sure it is a good one and stick to it. I've made decisions in the past which immediately after I thought were completely stupid. In hindsight they have lead me to where I am today, and I wouldn't have it any other way...well I would have certain aspects of my life "another way", but that is another story entirely.

[Provost Harrison]

I can understand his problem. I landed the job I wanted, never thought it would actually happen in all reality. But I've tried to keep it real, I understand there are things that are going to annoy me and wind me up about it. That is a fact of life with every job, and I accept that fact. I feel quite daunted by the challenges ahead of me, but on the other hand, it definitely gives me something to get my teeth stuck into - and the hard part of me getting used to SAP and confident were done many years ago. But I'm trying to get to grips with a completely new area of the system, Solution Manager. I have no previous experience with it. But I'll be damned if I don't become a f**king wizard at it, because that is the kind of guy I am!

[falcon41]

Pekka, I'm an old internet friend of yours. Unfortunately I can't reviele freely my internet identity because it is banned but let's say we spent a whole lot of time years ago talking on the net and make jokes and in general have a good time. Let's just say I'm on the other side, south, of Europe from you.

I take the "risk" of writing to you and risk another ban just to tell you this.

You always seemed like a nice guy but something I think has to give. Since we spent a lot of time talking on poly I have picked up some things regarding your mom who is in the US and your dad with whom you used to live together.

Now what you are describing is clear depression and if this has gone on for 6 months, it bears attention. This is nothing that can't be reversed but you have to deal with it.

Just realizing it is happening it is a huge step forward. We all have issues that we must face. This depression steems from somewhere. Maybe you know from where, maybe you don't. But you have to deal with it fast. If money is not an issue then a psychologist, a good one, can do a lot to help you through this, so as not to waste time and to (as corny as it sounds) embrace life again, get out of your shell and let the sun in. The longer you wait to do something about it , the more time you will lose. Something is holding you back. Find out what it is.
If money is an objection to go see a specialist then try little little steps at a time. Build, little by little.
I wish you luck and strenght.

[Pekka]

falcon, I'm trying my best to just cope with all of these things and continue progressing. It's difficult though, it seems to me that when ever I get something good, like a good feeling, something happens. Every time. Something happens.

Anyway, I heard more about my ex. Apparently she tried to off herself with pills and booze, but the weird thing is that she burnt herself as well. I mean her hair is burnt and she has some kind of damages from that, I don't know how bad but it's still a horrifying thought. She had said that she feels she is ugly from the outside and the inside. It's not true, she's very good looking, like a classic beauty type of figure and face. But appartenly that's what she thought and I don't know if she burned herself because of that.

Regardless, it's difficult to shake that image off of my head but I really need to.

[falcon41]

You could be "sabotaging" yourself, even without knowing it. Why this is happening it is something to find out, maybe you wait for someone to give you something (I'm not talking material things) and you keep sabotaging yourself untill you get it. This could be some sort of vindication or whatever else.

When we're down our minds get fixated on things... What happened to your ex girlfriend is tragic by itself and it upsets you even more now because you're down. I'm not devaluing the importance of what happened and that it naturally affects you, but you'll need to start focusing on you, little by little. The mind plays strange games to keep you from seeing some things that are important but are painful. Sometimes it "prefers" to be occupied with other things, which are important themselves, but they also cast a shadow over other things that also need to come to the sunlight and be faced.

Things then get gradually easier, you won't need to "run" from anything.

[TCO]

Pekka:

I know how you feel. Constant moving gets harder as you get older. I think you are fearing this next one.

[Pekka]

TCO, tell me about it. This last moving went so bad I can't believe it. JUst completely... crap. I know things will be OK when I return here (if I still have my job that is). I've made little progress, not enough, but I know when I get back it'll pick up.

Anyways. heard more about my ex. I mean... she was very nasty to me at the end, I mean very very nasty. But regardless, what she did to herself is shocking and I can't get it out of my head. I have enough problems already but now it seems difficult ot shake this one off.

So anyways, she had taken pills and booze but that's not all, she had also set herself on fire. That didn't go too well, she mostly burnt her hair and got some of them damages on her scalp but that's pretty much about it. The setting herself on fire wsa very upsetting fo rme and I saw nightmares about that. She's very pretty, so ... she wanted to disfigure herself. THat's too bad man... that's too bad.

But that's not all. It has come to my atnteitno that the burnign was the last worring.

She had started by damaging her thighs, stomach and breats. She had heatead some kitchen tools like blades and marked herself. Then she had tried to do some damage to her vagina. The damge is "not too bad#" and she didnt burn it but there's damage that's all I know.

She had destyoryed the room she was in (bedroom of a friend). She had messed up the room, broken all her own belonings, and written to the wall something. Now one song is ruined for me forever, it was pleaying LOUD in repeat. Neighjbours complinaed about the noise and heard screaming.

So that's waht she did. Marked herlsf, tried to mess uph er vagina, took booze and pills ( A LOT!!!!) and set herself o n fire

It's ****ing disturbign! Very very verty disturbing. I mean it's not like I hate her. It's fucming sick man.. it' snot like even a cry for help. It's ****ing sick, as in psychotic not only kill myself but destroy myself first.

itä sjust... I Mean I've been thinking about i ta lot. It's very sad and just horrible. She was such a beauty too. So nayway she wont' be gtetting out from the suicide wathc anytime soon, she was in shock to be alive and then treid to say it was all a mistake. They say she tried to get out - to kill herself and succeed.

I recieved an e.mail from her 3 days ago. She apologized ot me and was like.. i'm uigly on the outside and inside an d sorry I deserve what i Get. It'¨s ****ed up

[Pekka]

Oh well. I'm having an OK day at work at least. I'm on fire. I'm afraid it'll go bad when I get back home, which it most likely wlil since I'm already constructing it by thinking this way and cannot help it right now, but at least work is going great.

I've been lobbying like a beast!!! I have to teach next fall, but there's only one position and many applicants. All professors have their own people lined up for it, so I'm really positioning myself hard and talking to people. It even looks pretty good right now. Hopefully the position will be mine, because I kind of want it, so I'll be lecturing a year in here about security and that's cool because I want the experience. I want to talk about thi sa smuch as possible and present myself, this is the best environment to do that because I can screw up a bit and it doesn't matter since it's just uni students listening to my babbling. So I can build up my performance skills, that's pretty much about it. Also I can then put it on my CV, it's nto like it matters but it looks OK to have been lecturing my own security courses for security grad students, so it looks good. I guess I'll also get more confidence plus I sort of like talking about my own subject.

I'm very afraid of the future though, have to move in 5 weeks and I don't even have money or visa or anything. We'll see.

[Colonâ„¢]

The issue with your ex. Wow.

[Julian Delphiki]

Originally posted by Pekka

I'm very afraid of the future though, have to move in 5 weeks and I don't even have money or visa or anything. We'll see.

You're moving to US without credit card? If i've understood correctly thats quite bad move. I'd apply for one if i were you.. you've got regular income, so there shouldn't be problem.

[Pekka]

I've got a credit card. Just no money.

[Julian Delphiki]

Luottokunta is your friend .. well, not really.

[Pekka]

I've kind of used my credit already. I don't even have 0 money, I have negative money.

ANyways, I hate it when people are inconsiderate on purpose. Just like today, I just asked my co-worker for her battery charger and she threw it at me. You know? She's pissed off at work, hey listen, everyone's got problems, but we all try to behave even if it means being pissed off at the same time. We don't throw things. We ANSWER to questions and we say bye when we leave or good morning, especially when you share the same desk and office.

An effective good mood killer right there.

[Jon Miller]

Originally posted by Pekka
I've got a credit card. Just no money.

See, that isn't the way we do things in the US. You are suppose to buy things until you can just barely afford your credit card payments...

JM

[Pekka]

this is ko

aclohol is not the answer but sometiems it helps. Hooray for alcohol!