I guess I wanted someone else to know as well

[Lancer]

I had that too at one point. Pray about it to Jesus, that's my advise. I know it doesn't work for everyone but is sure worked for me, thank God. Then again maybe it does work for everyone, just in different ways. For me it was an instant of total change so great and of such...hard to explain. A being of profound joy was with me, within me for a bit. Changed everything, total house cleaning. I can always look to that moment in my life for the proof many seek too, kind of handy.

Anyway, pray.

[Imran Siddiqui]

A change of scenery, even for a few months may help a bit.

When you get down to Atlanta, drop me a PM. I'll give you my number. We can hang out and talk a bit. I'll introduce to you some crazy folk I know in Midtown (actually I think my friend who lives in Midtown will)

[DaShi]

Originally posted by Lancer
I had that too at one point. Pray about it to Jesus, that's my advise. I know it doesn't work for everyone but is sure worked for me, thank God. Then again maybe it does work for everyone, just in different ways. For me it was an instant of total change so great and of such...hard to explain. A being of profound joy was with me, within me for a bit. Changed everything, total house cleaning. I can always look to that moment in my life for the proof many seek too, kind of handy.

Anyway, pray.

Yup, religion can be a good comfort in these kind of times.

[-Jrabbit]

Yeah, pretty classical symptoms of clinical depression.
You need a shake-up, Pekka. Atlanta should help.

[Darius871]

Re: I guess I wanted someone else to know as well

Originally posted by Pekka
I can't read or write anymore. ... I can't read or write.

I'd imagine your posts of Pekka-esque length are evidence to the contrary.

Seriously though, aside from what's already been said in the thread, my suggestion would be to throw on some good shoes and just run around the block incessantly until your legs literally fail, and then come back and say you feel the same way. I've never been depressed personally but I sure as hell can't picture staying depressed with such copious amounts of anandamide and endorphins coarsing through your veins. And even if it surprisingly doesn't work, at least you'll have lost nothing!

GO FOR IT!

[Wiglaf]

Yes go running. You cannot possibly be depressed if you run. Why did no one think of this sooner. I hate you and all Persians

Originally posted by Riesstiu IV
How dare you call me a Frenchman, you Belgian!

BELGIUM HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH TI. Theres no way I could locate that place on a map or globe...I am no time and a very low tolerance for looking into an index and then finding an atlas...it's horrifying...I could use google but 99% of everyhing on that site is made up. I mean wikipedia..but google links to wikipedia .

[MattBowron]

dear pekka,

i'm sorry if you think its rude a complete noob suddenly entering the conversation who you don't know, so i'll tell you a little about myself before i answer

my name is matt, and i have had depression, since a young age i was bullied, which constantly put me in a case of low self esteem, i never had any girlfriends in my life until the past year, but since then i haven't had any, i also have anxiety, i felt so anxious i'd vomit up breakfast as if i'd had bullemia, i would get so nervous whenever someone angry and aggressive would be around i'd shut down and start shaking due to post-traumatic-stress-disorder, i'd feel terrible before any exam, i have limited social skills, even though i do sleep, i often get nightmares that make me feel that i'm still awake trying to get rid of things that are trying to kill me and manipulate me, what's more i feel pressured by consumerist society around me, telling me how to dress, how to behave, what to buy, i feel sometimes that i'm trapped within the world and that there's no way to escape, i try to write novels that will change the world but always erase what i write up because i think it's not good enough or because i'm worried about what people will think about it

now i know all these experiences aren't the same as yours, but in an emotional sense i have felt similar, not due to the same experiences but i may have felt the same extremes of emotions that you have felt in a way

so, if you need a new friend in life, i'm happy to help

depression, emotion in general i believe is a way of how we are able to sense how we connect with the world around us, some people think emotions and feelings is a way of sensing the spirit, others say its a psychological manifestation of our own senses giving us feedback based on whether our goal criteria is being met, sometimes emotions have been described as warnings or alarms like that we receive from virus scan systems on our computers, others see them as chemical peptides that in turn alter our physical cells due to how we are emotionally connected to certain objects or symbols by how our neurons are linked to one another based on our choices of experience which in a sense means we feel what we want out of what we choose to focus on and what we choose to add value to, which some mystics could call the law of attraction in a sense in that we focus on what emotions are connected to what we value, and thus we receive more of what we are focused on based on its emotional connection because we make ourselves receptive to those objects and the experiences that they give us, while at the same time choosing how we respond to those experiences

now i'm sorry if all this is sounding like a lot of goobledygook, i don't know everything about you, despite what i've read on your profile, so i'll get to the point

even though i personally don't know your personal history as to why you feel the way you do, i do however want to help people understand that there are more possibilities open for them, and know that with the people on this forum who are your true friends we will be here to help support you, as that's what friends are for, as social beings we rely upon the support of one another in other so that we all can survive (put whatever meaning you put to survive that you wish)

i hope that some of the things i have mentioned have been of some help to you, but know that you're not alone out there, and that indeed people here will support what you value and what you feel, adding to this their own experiences and values, which are just many perspectives in the sea of experience

being aware of your situation is a good thing, it helps you know your perspective and how you want things in your life to change, i guess the only problem now is choosing out of all the possibilities, because many of their outcomes may be unknowable, as no one is capapble of really seeing the future, but if there's a possibility of success, then that possibility has the same realness of any other, but if you apply your passion to what you want, realize that you're not alone, and are supported, that you have choices, know that you are not trapped by your situation

yours sincerely

matt bowron

[Aeson]

Work on the sleep. Once you win that battle you can handle everything else a lot more easily.

[Pekka]

Imran, thanks, I might just do that

Mercator, unfortunately that's not possible for me right now.

Riesstiu, I do that normally as well, but in this case, it's not helpful. In this particular case, it does not help me feel better. That is, rational thinking or things of that nature do nothing to change the dominating and overwhelming feeling that doesn't go away.

Matt, thanks. Rationally thinking I know this will all get better, but it's difficult to adapt when time loses its meaning. It's really difficult to deal with it sometimes and future oriented thinking and planning just goes out the window, time stands completely still and it all seems a waste.

[Blake]

Originally posted by Pekka
Matt, thanks. Rationally thinking I know this will all get better, but it's difficult to adapt when time loses its meaning. It's really difficult to deal with it sometimes and future oriented thinking and planning just goes out the window, time stands completely still and it all seems a waste.

The future is uncertain. Plans never survive contact with the future anyway. Enjoy now, it's all you truly have.

[Provost Harrison]

Ah yes, there are quite a few things going on.

Your situation reminds me of the situation I was in on my PhD - very little academic support as my initial supervisor left and then I felt like I was on my own so things ended up going very slowly, and in a half-arsed manner. I ended up leaving, as was documented at the time (back in 2002), I am sure you may even remember the thread Pekka - I think I left just after you joined the board from what I can tell from your address.

The fact is, you need a good support framework when you are starting out on these academic pursuits. Truth is, I realised academia was not for me and got out and have been a lot happier since, even if my luck with subsequent employers was rather lousy (Novartis Grimsby being the worst example) but I think it is something to do with working in the manufacturing arms of pharma companies who don't tend to treat their staff too well. So I took the experience I could grab and ran hoping it would eventually all fall together. And now, it is looking like it is.

So get help with that depression, and remember, your move to the US is a completely new start and grab the opportunity with both hands. That is exactly what I am doing now!

[Pekka]

PH, I know. But at this particular moment, it's a terrifying prospect. You know I actually looked up that place few years ago, wondering what I would do to get to the next stage, which is the absolute world domination? You know, I actually did place that place in my personal TOP 3. So I was not only familiar with the opportunity, I was completely in shell shock. Why? Because I'm not well, I'm not healthy. At the same time, I can't let it go. I would never ever forgive myself.

Truth to be told, I thought it was a pipe dream. I have high dreams and hopes, I've executed my plan consistently fo ra long time. I'm exactly where I need to be. So I thought that place, that particular department was a pipe dream, right? first of all, I would never have the money to even study there, but now I get to work there and I'm being invited. I mean what the hell? Right? Well my boss invited me, but still, I get the experience all the same. I don't have to pay for it, I get paid to go there. I get help from top guys, I mean the very very top guys, the sharpest top.

So can you imagine my horror, as it came as a surprised and "you'll leave in two months". Not only that, but a new moving is terrifying to me. It seems like a nightmare. Normally it would be a dream and I'd be screaming and getting drunk right now. But now it's scary as hell. I can see myself getting locked inside my place there for that whole time, being a prisoner. Climbing the walls and going absolutely and utterly insane, desperate and just losing myself completely. Because it's difficult for me right now. The prospect of having friends there seems remote to me and yet that's the thing that scares me the most, becuase I'm not doing normally. I'm having very much difficulties being social even though I am very social.

And here I've been pretty much low key, so it was sort of easy to not let anyone know about my condition. It will be impossible there. I'm afraid of rejection so bad right now that I can't get myself to even go and have a drink by myself. Rejection of everythign and failure of anything. It's not a normal state when you are afraid of it because everyone is, it's a mind crushing state where the world falls apart every single time and it's not just a 2 hours of "bummer", it can launch many days of nothingness.

So imagine getting this opportunity. Plus I'm still broke as hell. Of course they're paying me but you know, I can't have any surprise things that cost anything because I can't afford it. You know, I'll probably have to borrow money to get from the airport to my new place. I'm that broke. And borrow money to get food and that kind of stuff until my first pay cheque there. Yet that's not my biggest problem. I don't care about money that much. As long as I make by, it's always good and at the moment my broke ass still gets by.

So yeah. I realize it's a new start. I realize it's the biggest shot in my life, probably oen of the biggest that I will ever get because it is difficult to imagine similar caliber stuff happening. It is a known place and respected one, I just like to compare it to Harvard... well MIT was ranked lower in this particular thing at least... a year or two ago, so I'd rather go here than MIT, right? And I get to work there.

So dreams are not only coming true, but I haven't even dreamt opportunities like these, but they're coming true in the WRONG TIME!!! So a positive thing actualyl turns into huge pressure. I don't want to become a prisoner there. I'm truly afraid of losing my mind if things don't pick up fast enough. I'm playing a risky game, but I could never forgive myself if I didn't take this chance because it will never come around again. So I have to. The way I see it, I'll be forever bitter if I didn't go when I actually get better, but now I'm risking it all by going. Yet the reward is great and it just might turn out to be exactly what I needed to get over this damn gap of crap and not being myself.

Then again, Blake handed me a website that had a good quote saying that success is measured by what you had to give up in order to get it. To me it seems like I gave up everything. So this better work.

Darius, I meant work stuff. I can't open a book, not even the ones I have home for fun. I just can't. I can't read or write, except when I want to communicate with people.

[Provost Harrison]

You do have classic symptoms of depression...lack of enjoyment for the things you normally love, anxiety is probably holding you back. It is my Achilles Heel when I have it, will stop me achieving everything I want to do. I have a "magic bullet" for it that will completely eliminate it. It is not that what sorts it out is making me into a different person, but making me into the person I should be. Look what I've managed to achieve in the past few months...and I feel gloriously confident and brilliant because of it. And you should feel the same way by the sounds of your accomplishments! There is just this black veil holding you back, and do anything and everything within your power to resolve it. And never rule out medication as a means of resolving it because it works bloody well for me!

[Blake]

Then again, Blake handed me a website that had a good quote saying that success is measured by what you had to give up in order to get it. To me it seems like I gave up everything. So this better work.

Remember, success is not defined by what you have.
Success is defined by having what you truly want.

Regards,
Blake.

edit: Furthermore, I think that "What you give up in order to get it" isn't quite right, I'd say it's more like "What you were willing to risk" to get it. For example, risking your career, relationships, even life itself, to get what you want. Rather than playing it safe.

[Darius871]

Originally posted by Pekka
Darius, I meant work stuff. I can't open a book, not even the ones I have home for fun. I just can't. I can't read or write, except when I want to communicate with people.

Have you tried getting regular exercise just to see what happens? I know it's kind of a vicious cycle as it takes initial energy to start the activity which would give you energy, but once you get over that first hurdle it could be self-sustaining.