What really are human needs?

[Flip McWho]

Hell maybe its an evolutionary pressure. Continuing the species requires you find a mate kinda thing. Societies just wrapped it in a romantic shell.

[johncmcleod]

Edit: have to read posts posted while writing this.

You're assuming those problems exist in the first place. Maybe you feel you need a woman cause your body's changed in certain ways now?

Getting a woman takes time too, don't expect immediate results.

Wait, which problems?

No, that need came relatively recently, and had nothing to do with physiological changes. The physiological changes that might result in such a feeling happened a long time ago and didn't result in that. I didn't start to feel that I needed a woman until people started saying things like "You'll get a girl and everything will be okay," and I sort of bought into first and thought that way. I have changed my mind, but I subconsciously still think that is what I need.

I know it takes time, but that's not the point. I don't want a woman. I want happiness, I want to solve my own problems, conflicts, and insecurities, and then be happy. I don't want to have to deal with another person like that. And anyway, if I did get that, it would be counterproductive. I'd think to myself more things were solved than are in reality. I just think the whole thing is a bad deal, and I don't want to get involved in it.

[johncmcleod]

Not everybody will need to feel loved for those reasons your've given.

That's not what I meant. People think they need to feel loved because a) society tells them that's what they need, or b) love does some nice things and makes them feel better about themselves, blots out insecurities, distracts you for the mundane life, etc. But love just sort of temporarily treats some of the symptoms of deeper underlying problems, not their causes. I say screw it, let's work on solving the root causes and not let love cover it up and cause us to never solve them.

And a self defeating attitude won't get you anywhere.

You appear to like overthinking things.

I don't have a self-defeating attitude, I was just asking for advice on how I could do that.

And yes, I overthink everything, including overthinking things.

Hell maybe its an evolutionary pressure. Continuing the species requires you find a mate kinda thing. Societies just wrapped it in a romantic shell.

It is a possibility. In fact maybe that is why society has the whole romantic thing in the first place. But I don't think that is my case. A physical change would have brought this, and that isn't the case. I didn't feel this need until people convinced me I did. I don't believe them anymore, but subconsciously, I still do.

[Flip McWho]

I want happiness, I want to solve my own problems, conflicts, and insecurities, and then be happy.

Well what are you wasting you're time worrying about if you need a woman or not. You didn't till other people told you you should ergo this is a creation imposed on you by others.

Soceity likes to make collective statements saying what is and is not something. It doesn't mean that it will apply to everybody.

Only you can change the way your subconscious views the issue and this starts in your conscious mind.

[Kuciwalker]

Originally posted by johncmcleod
Good advice, but how can I be like that? Easier said than done.

I decided at the beginning of last school year that I'd get a girlfriend. It took me, oh, two weeks? Three maybe.

You've probably got a number of female friends. Pick one. She doesn't have to be a close friend, just someone you [can] have fun with. (It helps if she's cute ) Ask her on a date. It doesn't have to be a serious date - just dinner or a movie - and it doesn't have to be just with her. In fact, it might be best if it's a group thing and you just ask her along as a sortof date. If she declines, or it doesn't work out, or she turns it into a strictly friends thing, move on! If you don't think she's declining because she doesn't want a date - for instance, if you think she really does have a schedule conflict - then try again a few days or a week later. But don't stick at it, move on after two or three (max) tries.

By the way, act calm, don't be nervous/fidgety. That's cute in sixth grade, but not at your age. Just talk to her as if you were asking a guy friend if he wants to see a movie.

As I said, if it doesn't work out, no worries. There's no obligation in this sort of thing, especially if it's a group date. Just ask the next woman.

Love doesn't happen at first sight. I happens when two people meet each other, realize they're compatible, and work to make their relationship deeper. I know you don't want a superficial relationship, but every relationship starts that way. Don't fall for the girl until you've been with her a bit and know you are compatible and that she thinks the same.

It's actually really easy not to fall for a girl. You only fall for someone when you think about "oh she's so wonderful and we could do all these wonderful things together lalala." It's a deliberate fantasy. Just concentrate on the moment - having some fun with a cute girl - and look further ahead once you've got that down.

[Flip McWho]

Wait, which problems?

You said:

it temporarily makes them feel better about themselves and washes away their problems, and also temporarily gives them a sense of purpose and belonging.

So those problems.

[johncmcleod]

Well what are you wasting you're time worrying about if you need a woman or not. You didn't till other people told you you should ergo this is a creation imposed on you by others.

Soceity likes to make collective statements saying what is and is not something. It doesn't mean that it will apply to everybody.

Only you can change the way your subconscious views the issue and this starts in your conscious mind.

I don't think you understand. I understand I don't need a woman. I consciously think that. And I don't want to waste time worrying about it. However, the subconscious desire is still there. I'm not talking about sexually, subconsciously, I really want a woman to be close to me, and I subconsciously think I need this. I've told myself it isn't what I need, but it hasn't really caught on in my subconscious for some reason.

Kuciwalker, that is good advice. However,

It's actually really easy not to fall for a girl. You only fall for someone when you think about "oh she's so wonderful and we could do all these wonderful things together lalala." It's a deliberate fantasy. Just concentrate on the moment - having some fun with a cute girl - and look further ahead once you've got that down.

is my problem. I am a thinker, not a doer. I daydream all of the time, and subsequently fantasize. That is my biggest problem. I will start daydreaming about someone and it happens more and more often and goes too far in my mind. And I can't just focus on the present moment. If I were to be on my way towards dating someone, even just the very beginning stages, it would be such a big deal for me (I've obviously never even been close to the beginning stages) that I wouldn't be able to handle it and just 'be in the moment.' I'd be going crazy and daydream and think of the final desination rather than the moment, which would ruin it. It probably has to do with my nervous personality.

So those problems.

I am confused, what was the point you were trying to get across in the first place?

[Flip McWho]

I don't think you understand. I understand I don't need a woman. I consciously think that. And I don't want to waste time worrying about it. However, the subconscious desire is still there.

You said that the desire didn't exist untill other people put the desire there. Before that you were content without a woman. Or at least that's how I understood it.

I'm not talking about sexually, subconsciously, I really want a woman to be close to me, and I subconsciously think I need this. I've told myself it isn't what I need, but it hasn't really caught on in my subconscious for some reason.

So this subconscious desire exists. Why don't you want to act on it?

Maybe the reason you can't change the subconscious desire is because you have the conscious desire as well you're just trying to deny it?

[Meticulous Man]

So this is what it was all about. johncmcleod, I don't think you are going to be able to eliminate your sexuality. But I also don't think anyone would claim that your life isn't worth living if you can't have sex.

[Kuciwalker]

is my problem. I am a thinker, not a doer. I daydream all of the time, and subsequently fantasize. That is my biggest problem. I will start daydreaming about someone and it happens more and more often and goes too far in my mind. And I can't just focus on the present moment. If I were to be on my way towards dating someone, even just the very beginning stages, it would be such a big deal for me (I've obviously never even been close to the beginning stages) that I wouldn't be able to handle it and just 'be in the moment.' I'd be going crazy and daydream and think of the final desination rather than the moment, which would ruin it. It probably has to do with my nervous personality.

I was exactly the same way. It was actually a bit absurd. I finally got pissed at it and decided: NO I'm not going to do this. And I made a concerted effort at the beginning not to. After just a little bit I got used to it. Just always think to yourself that you can't get ahead of yourself.

[Ben Kenobi]

What's the ratio of men to women in the world? Obviously if its biased in favour of one group then not everybody will find that person who makes you feel like they wanna be with them the rest of their life and some people are destined to be alone forever.

And I don't think Dis is one of those people. Some people are perfectly happy with it, he is not so I expect him to eventually bump into that girl.

The main problem I see here is that both Dis and johncmcleod care too much what other people think of them.

As opposed to just barrelling through and ignoring other people's feelings?

Dis's problem is confidence. Nothing more nothing less.

[Spiffor]

Originally posted by johncmcleod
Flip, I don't think you understand. Consciously, yes, I understand I don't need it. However, on a subconscious level, I still feel that I need it. I can tell. But I don't know how to get rid of that subconscious desire. How should I get rid of such subconscious desires? How do I convince my subconscious I do not need a woman close to me (or anyone for that matter)?

why the heck would you want to get rid of such desires?

Your subconscious desires are a part of you, as much as oyur thought. JohnMcLeod isn't onyl the rational part of a brain, he's a body of flesh and bone, with emotions, with reflexes, with hormones.

There's nothing inherently superior in rationality.

Though it's easier to say than to admit. For example, it took me about six monthes of intense internal struggle not only to accept that I had an emotional side, but also to accept that it deserves I live with it, instead of trying to suppress it.

[Flip McWho]

Some people are perfectly happy with it, he is not so I expect him to eventually bump into that girl.

Seek and ye shall find.

As opposed to just barrelling through and ignoring other people's feelings?

I didn't say that. Where do I say to ignore other peoples feelings. I just said opinion. They don't have to tell the people that their opinion is irrelevant or stupid and so shut the hell up. It's taking another persons feelings about you personally like in the case of thinking you have to have a woman because everyone tells you you should, thats the problem.

Dis's problem is confidence. Nothing more nothing less

I agree. Though his confidence is low partly because of what he thinks other people may think of him (edit: which is probably a product of his low confidence. So the confidence comes first, so yeah you're right.

There's nothing inherently superior in rationality.

Too true. Rationality is just a tool to be used to interpret the world with, so you don't go believing some crazy ass ideas. It's not something to define who you are with.

[johncmcleod]

Hold on. I wrote a really long post, and it all got deleted. Let me start over again.

[Darius871]

Originally posted by johncmcleod
I wrote a really long post

What else is new?