Does anyone know anything about a repressed libido?

[Sikander]

Our opposite-gendered parents often serve as our models for our significant others, so problems in your relationship with your mother could be a part of your problem relating to girls (in any way). You need to start from scratch in your relations with women in order to build something positive to replace the void you have there now. Whether it is possible or desirable to in some way repair your relationship with your mother is a side issue. If you want to do that it may help, but in any case you have to be responsible for redefining your relations with women in a way that fulfills you.

Female friends are great to have for any young man's development, and for you they seem like a critical need. They'll teach you a lot and make you more comfortable around women by letting you into that world in a safe way. One can live without sex, but living also without love is quite painful.

[The Mad Viking]

Immediate response to thread title only...

"Is anyone married?"

[Saras]

[smacksim]

Neutral towards Mom: Nothing wrong with that at all. Some men stay always 'momma's boys' and do o.k., but most men go through the Oedipus cycle with more of a clean break. Hating Mom isn't bad either, and usual just means you're stuck at an Oedipal crossroads where you know you need to 'move on' to other objects of affection but can't quite make the break yet. Certainly having 'issues' with one's Mother is the absolute NORM and in this superficial description of your feelings can't be said to mean one or the other kind of normal (or abnormal if such were the case). So lets drop that, unless there is a qualified psych here to really get to the bottom of your feelings r/e Mom. Don't worry about it. Don't worry if you think of Mom sexually, or if you abhore the idea. Both are normal, as is cool indifference.

Chanelling sexual energy: It can be done, but like others have said, its for very spiritual people and is a bonus to being very in tune already with their bodies. Trying to achieve that just to repress one's sexuality will lead to all sorts of issues. Hell, there are even movies with this theme, not to mention some fairy tales. Its an obvious choice: "This is stressful so I'll chop it off", but approaching either a solution to your situation, or an entry into disciplined spirituality from this angle is just doooooomed to create problems. Far better to take care of your sexual issues first, then consider becoming a Monk or whatever.

You sound like you're in the stressful place of knowing you want some social skills but are not sure how much of this has to do with your sexuality? It may have something to do with it, but it might not be everything. Agree completely with others that taking up some social jobs would be really good. Forget about your obsessions and be stressed by acting on normal human relations: getting along with co-workers/bosses/clients. You can't wish your obsessions away, but you can start acting on the same roots of stress; the imaginary boundary between yourself and others. When you have 10 very well known colleagues that you pretty much hate, that 1 babe who you can't talk to will only be one person. Do what other people do, be an arse to those around you! Take some social risks like that and act on your stress. You'll fuddle up your relations but you'll learn that you can get over it and try again. The black/white of your relationships needs toning to grey.....and that's how its done: by screwing up again and again till a few foibles don't seem like such a big deal.

Like others have said, social skills are skills. It may feel like the end of the world to say hello to someone, but its not, and the only way you'll find that out is by trying it.

Take what I and others have said with a big grain of salt too. There's no way we can 'understand' without really knowing you, even as armchair friend/shrinks.

Former Sex-Ed Teacher,

Smack

[johncmcleod]

Thank you all for your responses. It means a lot to me that someone went through the awkwardness of all of this for me.

First off I really don't want to masturbate. I have always thought of a sex as a positive, affectionate act between two loving people. Masturbation would seem to cheapen it to something lustful. It is not that I have been making myself not do it for years. I just had never done it and hadn't really thought about it until a couple of months ago when it came up and I figured out I am different just about every other male. That is what scares me. If it would've been religious reasons, that wouldn't be so bad, because it would be an explanation. But I don't have an explanation, other than maybe I have some stuff going on.

As for relationship with mom, it is weird. I have no reason to not get along with her (other than she can be kind of controlling) but I just don't. I haven't felt close to her or been affectionate with her since I was a little kid. I feel no emotion towards her at all, and haven't for years.

And I don't know about my social skills. I can 'fit in,' okay, as in I won't piss anyone off and people will like me and not think I'm the least bit weird, but I have no idea how to make new friends (didn't make any from about age 8 til about 17). This is very true with girls. When there is a girl I like, even in a friendly way, I will try to be her friend (because when I don't try and make the effort, we won't be friends, believe me, I've learned this from experience, I've learned that in my case I have to go the extra effort. In the case of the one friend I do have that is a girl I made up my mind I wanted to be her friend and then did whatever I could to make it happened, and it worked). The only problem is I have a tendency to let things take over my mind (not just girls, anything, when I get something on my mind I sometimes just can't stop thinking about it and get obsessed over it).

So if I make up my mind that I like a girl and want to be her friend, it takes over my mind. I will constantly be trying to talk to her and not giving her enough space (which pisses her off), and whenever she's in the room I get really nervous (even more nervous than I normally am with other people, which is a lot). Whenever we do talk, it is really awkward because I am so nervous, trying so hard, and over-analyzing everything I do, and trying to make more out of the few social skills I have and my bad sense of humor. So she won't enjoy talking to me. And overall, she will just be on my mind way too much. She will be all that I think about. I will watch her interact with other people and be constantly worrying and nervous. When I see her talking to guys, I get really jealous and wish I could be like them. And I wish she'd be paying attention to me and not them (I know how horrible this is, I hate possessive males, but I just can't help it). I just feel horrible because she is the one person in the room I want to talk to more than anyone else and means so much to me, yet to her, I am just an aquaintance who is annyoing. And I see this in our interactions, the disparity between my opinion of me and my opinion of her. And it hurts a lot. I just want to be close to her, for her to like me, but it isn't the case at all.

I know I need to be more relaxed and detached from her, but it is so difficult. And the only way I can do this is by totally ignoring her. Which hurts a lot, and it doesn't solve my problem. I can't just be ignoring the people I like. I want my goal (to be close to her) but I just can't execute it correctly. By trying I make it weird and creepy. I want to be able to try and pursue my goal in a healthy (relaxed and detached from her, not obssessed) way but be successful. How does one go after such an important goal but be so cool and detached about it?

I mean I can interact okay with girls I don't care about and nothing will be entirely abnormal, but becoming close friends with them? That has been something nearly impossible for me. If I don't try, it won't happen. When I try, I mess it up and it gets to be a creepy obsession.

I've been talking to some very intelligent friends who have a little knowledge of psychology and I think we've figured out that my main problem is just nervousness, and more specifically nervousness around other people. I have had social anxiety medication recommended to me, but I'm not sure if it is a good idea.

And all of this is coming from a high functioning kid. I don't play D and D, and I am actually popular (in the sense that everyone likes me and respects me and no one dislikes me or thinks I'm weird). And when I tell people about the medication thing, they think I am being ridiculous and that I don't need it at all. But I don't know.

And in my little knowledge of psychology, I know that when the id wants something, it fantasizes about it. And judging from what I fantasize about, I think I know what I want. I want female companionship and close friendship, affectionate touch from females I really like and care about, intimacy, and maybe some of the physical stuff. Overall just for the females I like to like me back in the same way. But I can't seem to get this. And I want it so bad. I have a hard time dealing with not being able to get the things that I want because I have been raised to believe that I can always get what I want through hard work (and I always have). But in this case it hasn't been happening. And I don't know what to do. I want all of this so bad it hurts. I need help. Badly. Please.

Thank you all for listening. Hopefully someone can help me.

[Jon Miller]

how old are you?

I am 24.. and haven't ever had a girlfriend...

but am not too weird, I think

I ahve another freind (not the one who didn't masturbate until late), who hadn't had a girlfreind at 25.. he is now married (he is 27?)

somethings come with time.. also one thing to recognise is that it is about lust for a lot of people (including women)

I admit I don't know everything, but you seem to go about things sort of wrong.. find a girl you like (I am not very good at finding ones that I like, so I can't help you with that) and try to get her

but don't think that what you are going for is somehow devoid of lust or whathave you.. that will just make it weird (For her also, girls want sex also)

JM

[Odin]

Originally posted by smacksim
Neutral towards Mom: Nothing wrong with that at all. Some men stay always 'momma's boys' and do o.k., but most men go through the Oedipus cycle with more of a clean break. Hating Mom isn't bad either, and usual just means you're stuck at an Oedipal crossroads where you know you need to 'move on' to other objects of affection but can't quite make the break yet. Certainly having 'issues' with one's Mother is the absolute NORM and in this superficial description of your feelings can't be said to mean one or the other kind of normal (or abnormal if such were the case). So lets drop that, unless there is a qualified psych here to really get to the bottom of your feelings r/e Mom. Don't worry about it. Don't worry if you think of Mom sexually, or if you abhore the idea. Both are normal, as is cool indifference.

BS Freudian explanations:

[Ecthy]

So eating more breakfast gets you laid more?

[smacksim]

Originally posted by Odin
BS Freudian explanations:

Heya troll, so what is your 'explanation' for Mother issues around sexuality? Or were you merely pointing out that you are edumacated enough to identify Oedupus as a Freudian concept? I thought so.........

..........

It sounds like the Mom issue isn't too much of an issue anyways. Back to the issue at hand: It seems you want to be identified as 'different from all other males' in the aspect of masturbation, but though you are certainly unique, as we all are, there is a significant % of men who never masturbate and/or never have. To call oneself weird just because of this is overkill. Would be like saying that all people with freckles or moles are somehow inferior human beings. There are just differences sometimes. But if you want to make yourself unique b/c this, well, nothing to be said about that.........

Another thing about intimicy and 'getting the girl I want': When people say relationships are a 2-way street, it means more than give/take. It also means that no matter how hard one side tries or works at things, the other side has to participate in a reciprocal manner for anything to happen at all. This is part of why intimicy, friendship, and love are so important for human beings I think; That we have to put aside our plans and formulae in exchange for simple awareness of the other. Sometimes a person not 'in our plans' becomes very close, and other times we must let go of obsessions when we notice that its not going to work out. That keeps some balance. Intellectualizing one's own moves like "If I'd just done x,y,z it would have worked out" is when things can get ....odd.

Anyways mate, good luck, and do consult with a professional if these things are taking too central a role in your life. Otherwise you sound perfectly normal to me. No, not every guy suffers from shyness, but many do. From personal experience this does get better with age and experience only, but I agree with you that consciously doing something about it can also help. So do it!

[Spiffor]

John:

Your posts remind me my own teenagehood. I never had a girlfriend until I was 22, and it was very hard for me in my teenagehood. Basically, I couldn't imagine that a girl might be interested in me, and I also thought that the girls I was interested in were "out of my league".

Your posts show a dramatic lack of self-esteem, which reminds me of my own. You think that girls are out of your league; you think that you are a freak because you have some difference (you don't masturbate - big ****ing deal); you think that you are creepy because you're obsessed about the girls you desire; you merely "fit in" in your group of friends...

All this points to a lack of self-confidence, for which there is no miracle cure. However, there is something you can do, which will help you progress: find a group of friends where you can express yourself, express who you are. You'll notice that you can be a liked fellow by being who you are. And you'll notice that your personality is also good, there's no need to hide it behind a mask of blandness.

I believe you like music. You might want to belong to a group of other musicians your age, and express yourself in this artistic expression. That could be a good strat (and chick dig musicians )

[DaShi]

Don't forget chick musicians.

[Theben]

I mean I can interact okay with girls I don't care about and nothing will be entirely abnormal, but becoming close friends with them?

When near that girl you are interested in, tell yourself you're not. Act the same way you do when with girls you aren't interested in, and she'll probably talk to you.

OTOH you could watch how those guys talk to the girls, body language included, and pick up some tips from them.

And as Spiffor said, self-confidence does sound like an issue for you. Chicks don't like guys with low-self esteem (some will put up with it, for awhile). If you are a musician then you should be able to get females throwing themselves at you! That should boost your ego.

[Immortal Wombat]

Originally posted by Spiffor
All this points to a lack of self-confidence, for which there is no miracle cure. However, there is something you can do, which will help you progress: find a group of friends where you can express yourself, express who you are. You'll notice that you can be a liked fellow by being who you are. And you'll notice that your personality is also good, there's no need to hide it behind a mask of blandness.

Unless of course your personality is just really bland. Then you can sit back in rejoice in the wonders of societal-driven sexual selection which has reduced some members of the population to the role of spectators while everybody else gets all wound up over the copulation thing.

[Dis]

he could be slow in maturing. I never even masturbated until I was like 16. And even then my sex drive didn't peak until I was about 30. I was way hornier at 30 than I was at 18. In fact, I didn't think about sex much when I was in my teen years. It was only after I was in the navy and I was exposed to the seedier side (which amazingly I saw little of in Las Vegas as a kid) of life did I become obsessed with sex. .

[Dis]

Originally posted by johncmcleod
There's something I forgot to add that might provide more information. I tend to 'get it up' whenever I get touched in the slightest way by a female and can't control it. It is a long story, but like this one time I was down on one knee and a girl was sitting in my lap (obviously not because she wanted to) and I couldn't help it. It started going up and up and up with every heartbeat, until finally it was like an inch from her inner thigh. But right then she stood up and I was saved from utter humiliation. But stuff like this happens all of the time. I also have described as very high-strung.



No.



I don't know. It is kind of weird. I come from a picture perfect loving, middle class family, and my mom is a very lovable person. Everyone loves her. But to tell you the truth, I feel almost no emotion towards her. As far as therapy goes, I don't want to do that. It would scare the **** out of my parents (and if I wanted to keep it a secret I'd have to pay money), it would take a lot of time and energy and I am so busy with college stuff right now), and I don't think I need it that bad. In other areas I am very high functioning.



Oh, the desire is there. I just don't know what to do with it, so it just seems to manifest itself in my daydreams.



No, I am straight.



No, it is dehumanizing to women. And plus, I think it would make the problem worse. I think I'd just get more creepy and perverted and unhealthy.



I don't know. I think masturbation would be a bad idea. Take an obsession over a girl that's already probably unhealthy, starting to masturbate to her (I wouldn't be able to help it, she'd enter my mind) would make things really f***ed up and turn me into a really creepy, unhealthy, pervert.

I'm thinking that I am going to talk to one of my teachers, who is a Jesuit priest, and seeing how he channels the energy so he doesn't have the desire. Or the medication might help. You see, eliminating the desire would be a great idea. All it does is cause me anxiety. If I can get rid of it, I'll start having a lot more healthy relationships with girls without any anxiety at all. And if I need to do it, I could always take myself off the meds or if I wasn't on the meds I'd just do it to please her. I just think there'd be so many advantages to being asexual.



My top four choices for college are Williams, Amherst, Middlebury, and Dartmouth. No way in hell I'm going to state school.



Wisdom comes from self-knowledge. A couple people have told me not to over-analyze, but I am constantly analyzing myself and it has helped me a lot with other things.

I am not nervous about not doing things other guys have done. I'm just nervous that I have a ****ed up sexuality, and that I am so inexperienced and far behind everyone else as far as maturity goes, that I will never be able to have a healthy relationship.

And as far as self-confidence goes, what if I can't stand myself? What if I hate my personality and who I am and wish I could be different? My people skills are pretty lousy. I don't have any close friends, and I am horrible in groups of people. I am trying to change my personality at the moment.

Thanks for everything though.

not watching porn is a good idea. I don't recommend it. I've gotten to the point where even the hardest of hard-core porn does nothing to me. I'm desensitized to it. I prefer to use my imagination. I hardly watch porn anymore. The only porn I have in my entire collection that still turns me on is this porn of an actual married couple. It's pretty hardcore. But you can tell the affection she gives her husband in the sexual stimulation. She's not just doing it because she is getting paid or has to. She's doing it to sexually satisfy her husband. You can see it in her face (and sometimes on her face )

As for using your imagination, I recommend not imagining real women, but hypothetical women. The same with masturbation. Don't masturbate to a woman you know. That could lead to some weird situations if you tend to say the wrong thing or blurt out something you shouldn't.