Long Distance Relationships

[mrmitchell]

Ozzy I must tell you, no, I mean I might could understand a long distance relationship, but when you said she doesnt even give you undivided attention when you're with her, that put me firmly in the "no" camp. If I were you I would find someone I can be with, someone who wants to be with me.

But Ted is right. Listen to your gut. It knows you better than the rest of us.

[OzzyKP]

Its her family. When she is away from her mom and out of her house she is wonderful, but her mom... ugh.. what a horrible woman. Next week she should be down for a few days here, I'll see how that goes. Without her mom & brothers around she should be fine. Then she goes to Europe for two-weeks.

When she gets back she'll be unemployed, so things will change again. She'll have more time for me certainly at that point. But if/when she gets a permanent job, who knows what'll happen. She is looking for jobs in New York, Philly, and DC. I think her heart is really in New York though. Obviously my preference is DC.

All I can do at this point is wait and see I suppose. If she gets a great job offer in DC this whole problem might just go away. If she moves to New York, who knows it might get better, it might get worse.

My hunch though is that she is going to be stuck at home for a while, and not much will change. But we'll see.

[Spiffor]

Originally posted by OzzyKP
Even when I do get to see her I never get her undivided attention. That's another complaint. Not only don't I see her every week, but when I do see her I have to split her time.

Yup, and it wouldn't be a complaint if you saw her more often. You have to make it clear for her that you really need to see her more often. Edit: But since you say that her mother is a terrible influence, that might account too, indeed.

[:) Smiley]

Well, everything comes with strings attached, and if her family is annoying, there could potentially be numerous problems in the long range.

My take on LDR in general is that there is really no reason to be in one if you live in a major metropolitan area. If you were living in some small village in the middle of nowhere it would be understandable.

[Ted Striker]

whatever

I was dating this chick from the tribal regions of Zaire and we were doing well until she got attacked by the wildebeast.

I mean so what she had saggy National Geographic boobs but who cares I mean a pushup bra is $5 at Wal-Mart so just slip it on and get to hitting it.

sheit

[Spiffor]

[korn469]

Originally posted by OzzyKP


btw, just wanted to quick say that this statement was quite helpful. And while we haven't been doing it long enough perhaps for some of these problems to fully manifest, some have, and I can see this all as quite true. Thanks korn.

You're welcome ozzy. I wish you the best of luck with your girlfriend.

[Drogue]

Originally posted by korn469
Ozzy, in my experience long distance relationships aren't worth the extra effort it takes to make them last, unless you totally, utterly, insanely love that person. Long distance relationships requires complete trust, and if you don't totally trust the person disturbing thoughts will fill your mind once circumstances prevents you from seeing your significant other. Also long distance relationships give ample opportunities for two people to drift apart, or to find completely opposite directions in life. It puts more pressure on you because since you have fewer moments together they need to be wonderful. That can lead to a great deal of stress. However, if you're lucky then when you get to be with that person every single moment is pure magic.

I do see the difficulties, but I wouldn't necessarily agree with the conclusion. I've found there are also many positives to having distance in a relationship:

When you do get to spend time together, it's usually for a few days solidly (like a weekend) rather than just a couple of hours on a date
It makes the time you spend together feel more special - it may add stress that you have to make it so, but often I find it just is so
Missing each other makes you realise your emotions more - it's harder to fool yourself into an emotion if you have time apart
Absence makes the heart grow fonder - maybe not always, but I find that it does often
You don't have the stress of continual contact
You don't have to do anything to have 'alone time' if you need it
You don't have to constantly tell them you can't come out if you've been given a huge work assignment or somesuch

There are negatives, as you've mentioned, but there are also positives. I don't think long distance relationships necessarily are bad, or even worse than shorter distance ones. I quite like the fact that during the week I have time to work, get my studies done and at the weekend can relax and spend time with my girlfriend. Sure, I don't get to see her as much as I want, but it makes it much nicer when our jobs take us to the same city and one of us rings up with a "I happen to be in your city, can I come and stay over?". Though when the 3 hour train ride turns into a 10 hour train/plane/train trip to see her, it may put more of a stress on things.

We are very lucky in that her job takes her to Oxford often, and we run the same society in different unis so meet up at conferences a lot. Plus I spend my short holidays in Sheffield, which is always nice.

[Drake Tungsten]

Sheffield

Sex City...

[Barinthus]

Originally posted by Ted Striker
BIG OZZZ

Follow your instincts and they'll tell you what to do.

Alot of the jaded will give you negative advice, the optimistic will give you positive advice.

In the end none of it really matters because every situation is unique. Trying to fit your situation into someone else's bottle is pointless.

Ozzy, Ted got it. Listen to the man.

Basically the answer is up to you - you have to decide if this is something you truly are willing to put up with. LD relationships suck big time even if both parties put effort into it. But like some people said and I've seen it myself, LD relationships could lead to something wonderful later on. But it won't be easy as you already know.

It's all about choices - yours and guess what, hers too. Are you ok with her choices she made or is making? Are you willing to accept those circumstances?

Anyway, good luck. You're a good guy and I wish you nothing but the best.

[Mercator]

She clearly wants to be around her family and wants to take care of her mum. That's not gonna change as she mentioned, so if you can't handle that, it's probably not gonna work out.

So why don't you move? Is it because of your job?
If so, how is work > relationship better than family > relationship?

Having said that, good luck... I'm in a long distance relationship myself at the moment. In fact, I've never even met her, but I see her and talk to her for hours practically every day, which is going well so far, but the real-life contact is sorely missing.

[korn469]

Drogue,

I tried to emphasize the negatives, because for most people I don't think it's worth it exert the extra effort to make a long distance relationship work. I choose to go the extra mile (or 720 miles in my case) to make my relationship work. If I didn't love her as much as I do, then I wouldn't do it. I think a serious, committed, long term, long distance relationship isn't meant for two people who only like each other, they should really love each other because of the extra problems lack of closeness causes. Though when you haven't seen the person you love in a while, and you finally get to, it's like christmas and your birthday but somehow even better.

[Ben Kenobi]

Though when you haven't seen the person you love in a while, and you finally get to, it's like christmas and your birthday but somehow even better.

[

[pchang]

Clearly her mom does not approve of you being with her and is trying to do everything in her power to sabotage your relationship.

[Drake Tungsten]

That seems likely. President of a youth rights organization isn't exactly a job most parents would be psyched about...