Something To Offend Damn-near Everybody

[KrazyHorse]

?

a) I don't get it

b) I doubt it would be funny even if I did

[TheStinger]

Originally posted by MRT144
what was the nazis favorite snack?
oven baked jews

Too far

[C0ckney]

Originally posted by The Vagabond
It's time for some good old Jewish jokes, I guess.

Two beggars sit near a mosque. A poster near one of them reads: "Please help a poor Jew!", while the other has the poster "Please help a poor Arab!". Passing Moslems dart a hostile look at the Jew, and throw a few coins to the Arab. Finally, one tender-hearted Moslem approaches the Jew and says: "I think you would be much better off here if you didn't mention you're a Jew". The Jew turns to the other beggar and says: "And yet they are going to teach us life, Isaac!"

the version i heard of that joke was this one:

two beggars were sitting on opposite sides of the street in mexico city, one wearing a cross, the other wearing a star of david. people walk by and see the one wearing the star of david, they ignore him and drop coins to the one wearing the cross. finally a priest comes up to the beggars with the star of david and say "look, this is a catholic country, people will always give to a man wearing a cross rather than a man wearing a star of david." the beggar smiles and shouts across the road "hey jacob, looks who's trying to teach us marketing"

-------

there's a big gathering in time square in new york, with a number of speakers. a cardinal steps up and gives a rousing speech and 10,000 people convert to catholism, a preacher then steps up, does the same and 10,000 people become baptists. a rabbi then steps up and talks about a gold mine in the sky, and 20,000 jews join the air force.

-------

and of course the regulation irish joke.

Q: how many irishmen does it take to change a light bulb

A: 3, one to hold the bulb, two to turn the chairs

Q: how many irishmen does it take to change a light bulb

A: 21, 1 to hold the light bulb, 20 to turn the room

Q: how many irishmen does it take to change a light bulb

A: 201, 1 to hold the light bulb, 200 to turn the house

[SlowwHand]

For my bud, MrFun.

Advice to Northerners moving South
(or, how to be a Cracker, in 10 easy lessons)


Tips for a Northerner moving South:
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.

3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic.Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

6. Do not buy food at the movie store.

7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

8. Remember:"Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a noutherner imitating a Boston accent.

10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

11. People walk slower here.

12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone.They don't understand you either.

13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression.One hundred percent are in denial about it.

14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.

16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store.It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.

22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South.When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer.This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, bedisplayed.

23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

24. Florida is not considered a southern state.
There are far more Yankees than northerners living there. Che! You paying attention?

25. In southern churches you will here the hymn, All Glory, Laud and Honor. You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy", "GoodLaud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".

26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

27. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

[Kontiki]

A Canadian, an American, and a Frenchman are all in train compartment with a young woman. When the train goes through a tunnel, everything goes dark. A loud SMACK! is heard, and when the train emerges from the tunnel, a bright red mark in the shape of a hand is visible on the American's cheek.

The Frenchman thinks: "I'll bet the American made a move on the woman in the dark, and she smacked him."

The American thinks: "I'll bet the Frenchman made a move on the woman in the dark, and she smacked me by mistake."

The Canadian thinks: "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can smack that stupid American again."

[Paul Hanson]

How many rudeboys does it take to change a lightbulb?

2. One to unscrew the lightbulb and drop it, and another to start shouting "pickitup, pickitup, pickitup" when he does.

[MRT144]

kontiki