Something To Offend Damn-near Everybody

[Kontiki]

Hopefully these won't cross the line....

A Canadian, an American and a Pole are all lost in the Sahara and are granted one personal item.

The Canadian asks for a pair of skis - "So when I get to the top of a sand dune, I can ski down - I'll get out of the desert faster."

The American asks for a surfboard -"So when I get to the top of a sand dune, I can surf down - I'll get out of the desert faster too."

The Pole asks for a car door - "So if it gets too hot, I can roll down the window."
**********

- I've heard this one with several different ethnic groups:

A Canadian, an East Indian and a Chinese man are all involved in a terrible car accident and are sent to heaven where they meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter tells them "Look, guys, to be honest, we're a little full right now. So, if you each give me $500, I'll let you go back to earth and live."

Back at the accident scene, one of the investigating officers is stunned when the Canadian suddenly comes back to life. The Canadian explains what happened at the entrance to heaven, and how he handed over his $500, to which the officer asks "but where are the other two?"

"Well, when I left the Chinese guy had managed to talk St. Peter down to $350 and the East Indian guy was trying to get the insurance company to cover it."
*******
- A Newfie joke (for the benefit of non-Canadians, people from Newfoundland are the but of many "stupid" jokes in Canada)

A Newfie is going about to move from Newfoundland to Ontario, but he doesn't want anyone to know he's from Newfoundland because of his accent. So, he practices a supermarket routine saying I'd like a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a litre of milk in his best non-Newfie accent.

For weeks he practices this phrase over and over again before he moves. Finally, the big day arrives, he moves, and has to go out to get some provisions. He walks into the store and says "I'd like a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a litre of milk". Bang! Nails it! No accent at all.

"You're from Newfoundland, aren't you?" replies the clerk.

"But, how did you know?" says the Newfie incredulously. "There wasn't a hint of an accent in my voice!"

"I know," says the clerk, "but you're in a hardware store".
******

[Stefu]

I considered telling Kontiki's last joke, except about the Swedes.

[Pekka]

This is not very offensive.. well it has some foul language maybe.

Hitler, Stalin and Mannerhein were having competition who has the bravest men. First Hitlers soldier was in the roof of 10 floor building. Hitler shouted 'JUMP!', soldier hesitated and jumped.. everyone was impressed.
Next Stalin ordered the same thing for his soldier 'JUMP!', without hesitation his soldier jumped to death. Everyone was impressed and Stalin was sure he'd win. Then it was Mannerheims turn, and his man was in the roof and Mannerhein shouted 'JUMP!' and the soldier shouted back 'FU! You jump!'. Mannerheim won.

and THEN to the really offensive part of this post:

Now that the USA's B-52's have reorganized Afghanistan's landscape, U.S. intelligence has discovered that the Taliban has renamed some of their
towns to confuse us.

These new names include:

1) Wherz-myroof
2) Mykamel-izded
3) O****-Disisabad
4) Waddi -El-Izgowinon
5) Pleez-Ztopdishi
6) Kizz-Yerass-Goodbi
7) Ikantstan-Disnomore
8) Wha-Tafuk-Wazi-Tinkin
9) Myturbin-Izburnin
10) Imma-Dedshmuck

[SlowwHand]

Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a gorgeous young lady sits down at the other end and orders a martini. Stunned by her beauty the two guys stare at her for awhile debating whether to approach her when all of a sudden she begins to cough, clutching her throat and turning blue. (obviously in serious respiratory distress).

One said to the other, "That there gal is having a bad time!' The other agreed and said, "Think we should go help?" "You bet," said the first, and with that he ran over and said, "Can you speak?" She shook her head no. He then asked,"Can you breath?" She again shook her head no. With that, he pulled up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked by the act, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with embarrassed relief.

At which point, the first Texan looked at his friend and exclaimed, "I guess that hind lick maneuver really does work!"

[SlowwHand]

Breaststroke

There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were
a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the Redhead crawled out and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but
I think those two other girls were using their arms."

----------------------------------------------------------------
Hurts All Over


A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

"Where are you hurting?", asked the Dr.

"You have to help me, I hurt all over", she said.

"All over? Be a little more specific". said the Dr.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger & yelled. "ow, that hurts". Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "That hurts,too". Then she touched her right earlobe,"That even hurts" she cried.

The Dr. looked at her thoughtfully for a moment & asked, "Are you a natural blonde?"

"Why, yes," she said.

"I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger."



----------------------------------------------------------------
Blondes Strike Back


What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
Brown-bagging it.

What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
No one else wants it.

Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?
So brunettes can remember them.

What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Invisible.

What's a brunette's mating call?
"Has the blonde left yet?"

What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
The invitation

What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A hostage

[Inverse Icarus]

Originally posted by Stefu
Finns have a tradition of "Finn, Swede and Norwegian" jokes. They usually end up with the Swede doing something idiotic.

in new york, we have a lot of x, y, and polish, where x and y are any damn nationalities you want them to be. being of polish descent myself, i've bumped into a lot of the jokes.

things like:

an irish guy, an italian guy, and a polish guy just robbed a bank. the cops start chasing them, and they run into the forest, and climb trees to hide.

the cops walk up to the tree with the irish guy in it, and one cop says "did you hear that?". the irish guy goes "tweet tweet, tweet tweet", and the other cop goes "it's just a bird, lets get movin"

then the cops walk up to the tree with the italian guy in it, and one cop says "did you hear that?". the italianguy goes "meeeeyooooow", and the other cop goes "it's just a cat, dummy, come on"

finally, the cops approach the tree with the polish guy in it. and one cop goes "ok, i know i heard something that time!", to which the polish guy replies"moooooo!"

---

an american guy an italian guy and a polish guy are in a cave, and they find a lamp. the american rubs it and a genie pops out, and says, i shall grant you each one wish. all you must do is go down this slide, say what you want, and you will land on whatever you wish. that is yours to keep.

so the american guy goes "let me at it!" jumps down the slide and says "billions and billions of dollars!" and he slides straight into piles and piles of money.

the italian guy goes "thats amazing!" and he runs for the slide. on his way down he says "hundreds of beautiful women to wait on me hand and foot!", and he too slieds into exactly what he wanted.

the polish man runs straight for the slide, but trips right before he hits it and screams "OH SH!T!"

---

[Boris Godunov]

Inspired by monkie's recent conductor's thread:

Q: What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?

A: On a bull, the horns are in front and the ass is in back.

[monkspider]

Originally posted by Boris Godunov


Inspired by monkie's recent conductor's thread:

Q: What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?

A: On a bull, the horns are in front and the ass is in back.

[Pekka]

Q: Gypsie, black man and a russian guy is in a car, who drives?

A: Police

Now that's gotta offend someone!?

[chairmanmeow]

Oops someones already done that one... sorry

[chairmanmeow]

How do you confuse a West Virginian?

Put him in a round room, and tell him to pee in the corner.

[Andemagne]

@ Blondes Strike Back

this is the best d@mn thread in ages.

[Paul Hanson]

Q. What's better than winning a gold medal at the Paralympics?

A. Having two legs.

Q. A townie and a skinhead are in a car together. Who's driving?

A. A policeman.

[lord of the mark]

saddam hussein goes to a fortune teller.

Saddam: will i die soon.

Fortune teller: I dont know, but i know you will die on a jewish holiday.

Saddam: Which one?

Fortune teller: Whatever day you die will be a Jewish holiday.

[loinburger]

Three women are walking along a beach, when they come across a magic lamp. One of them picks up the lamp and rubs it, and whoosh, a genie pops out.

"I'm allowed to grant three wishes," says the genie, "and since there are three of you, I'll grant each of you one wish."

The first woman steps forward and says "I want to be ten times smater." The genie snaps its fingers, a look of brilliance enters the woman's eyes, and the woman walks away, ten times smarter than before.

The next woman steps forward and says "Oh yeah? Well I want to be a hundred times smarter." The genie again snaps its fingers, the woman's previously dull expression fades, and she walks away, a hundred times smarter than before.

The third woman then steps forward and says "Well, I want to be a thousand times smarter." The genie snaps its fingers, and declares "Congratulations. You are now a man."