Could use some advice about my situation

[TCO]

Orange, it's pretty obvious that you want her to crawl and come back. Save me all the bull**** about how you care for her. I have one piece of advice: go out and date other girls. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. Go out and date other women...now.

[TCO]

Originally posted by orange
let's not open up that can of worms again, eh? Not on my thread. Ming? A little selective deleting if you please?

1. I never did get the full skinny on that. Just want to know if the whole community was played for chumps...or not.

2. You don't own the thread. Don't be so controlling....hmmm...tendancy here.

[orange]

I sure hope Ming doesn't sleep around on me

[orange]

ooh missed your first post. No, i really don't care for her, nor do I want her to come crawling back. I'd just like to know that she's not going to do something stupid and harm herself, that's all.

[Jack the Bodiless]

I honestly cannot see anything else that she can do in this situation. She has apparently tried everything she can to make amends and you're not listening.

he heard her side. Ever heard the phrase "forgiven but not forgotten"?...

...Apparently he's sure. Its the trust factor. I certainly couldn't see msyelf with a man who lied to me in that manner.Its betrayal.

As he hasn't forgiven her, "forgiven but not forgotten" isn't applicable here.

He should try to forgive her first. Especially for the lie. If I was in his position, I would resent being dumped: but not the lie, that was understandable.

A white lie is not "betrayal". Especially when she was apparently fully justified in doing so. Orange hasn't said that he would have taken her back if she had told the truth about having sex with another man. In fact, he's admitted that he doesn't like that.

Therefore she apparently had good reason to lie.

Question..have you ever had a long term relationship like this? I think he's being VERY fair in his reasoning. In you're mind you can say "you are forgiven" but the heart isnt quite so forgiving no matter how much you believe it is.

This is where the head should rule the heart.

If this doesn't happen: OK, fair enough. But "I won't take her back because she lied to me" sounds like an attempt to invent a reason for refusing to take her back.

By itself, it's not a good enough reason. The actual dumping might be: if she dumped him once, she might do it again, that is a reason not to trust her. But the lie isn't. Her motive was good.

If you just want to dump her and move on, don't make excuses. If you're bitter and twisted about the fact that the girl of your dreams could dump you and have sex with another man: face up to what your reason actually is.

[orange]

Originally posted by Jack the Bodiless
He should try to forgive her first. Especially for the lie. If I was in his position, I would resent being dumped: but not the lie, that was understandable.

A white lie is not "betrayal". Especially when she was apparently fully justified in doing so. Orange hasn't said that he would have taken her back if she had told the truth about having sex with another man. In fact, he's admitted that he doesn't like that.

Therefore she apparently had good reason to lie.

I feel exactly the opposite. I don't mind being dumped. If she needs to be alone or date to prioritize - fine by me. What I do mind is being lied to when I'm ready to reform those bonds and start over again. Relationships that begin on lies are built on swampy ground, and quickly fall apart. This was no exception. I don't consider it a 'white lie', and I do consider it betrayal. If my decision to date someone is based on the answer to a question, and I don't get the honest answer, it doesn't matter what the lie was meant to cover - not only is it a lie (dishonesty) but then the reason I didn't want to date her again in the first place is still there. Double whammy. Agreed that, if she had told the truth, I probably wouldn't have dated her again - but at least it would have been honest and I could respect her as a person and a friend. Now I can't even trust her. Do you see where I am coming from?

This is where the head should rule the heart.

If this doesn't happen: OK, fair enough. But "I won't take her back because she lied to me" sounds like an attempt to invent a reason for refusing to take her back.

By itself, it's not a good enough reason. The actual dumping might be: if she dumped him once, she might do it again, that is a reason not to trust her. But the lie isn't. Her motive was good.

If you just want to dump her and move on, don't make excuses. If you're bitter and twisted about the fact that the girl of your dreams could dump you and have sex with another man: face up to what your reason actually is.

As I've said so many times before, this was not an isolated incident. A lie I could forgive - I've done it before. This is not the first time I have been lied to on a rather large matter such as this - and last time I was told it wouldn't happen again because of the pain it caused.

I'm not 'dumping' her as I'm not in a relationship with her. I've long sinced 'moved on' away from the relationship, but that doesn't mean I want to date other people at the moment.

And yes, a big portion of my pain is exactly your last statement. The girl of my dreams dumped me and had sex with someone she just met and wasn't dating and lied to me about it. I faced up to that long ago, so your point here is moot.

[TCO]

Originally posted by orange
ooh missed your first post. No, i really don't care for her, nor do I want her to come crawling back. I'd just like to know that she's not going to do something stupid and harm herself, that's all.

Bull****. I still can't stand it when an old girlfriend gets married or finds someone else. It's human nature, chump. Learn to understand yourself a little better.

Go date other women. Even if you have to go through the motions. It is the only way to get perspective. As long as you do this, not dating her...but just taking time off crap, you won't have your head screwed on straight.

[orange]

Do you define everything that you agree with as 'human nature'? Methinks you are the one that needs perspective, not me.

I've certainly had the opportunity to date other women, but i haven't really fancied any of them...I can't really say why. I don't think anyone has really struck me as someone I'd wanna date, though I'm still friends with all of them. Maybe it's them, or maybe it's me right now, I don't really know. But I won't start engaging myself with girls that like me if I highly doubt that anything will come of it. That's all.

[Venom]

Fine, don't date. Get a couple of whores. Bone 'em and that's that.

[H Tower]

count on venom to add maturity to the discussion


I think that you've done all you can/should do for the girl orange, make sure she's not about to kill herself, and then point her towards professional help.

I've got to agree with GP's somewhat OT post about not liking it when a girl you used to date finds someone new, jealousy can last for a long time, even if you don't want to be jealous.

[DaShi]

Sever all ties with friends and family. It's your only choice.

[FrustratedPoet]

Originally posted by GP

2. You don't own the thread. Don't be so controlling....hmmm...tendancy here.

what we need here is branching threads

[orange]

oh god, if you're going to pick topics to go off topic with, please don't pick tia's love life OR branching threads, let alone both. Either on its own can mean certain death for this thread

[FrustratedPoet]

if we had branching threads it wouldn't be a problem

Sorry orange.

If it's any consolation I don't think you were a jerk to that girl - in the context it was a fair question to ask ... she didn't have to answer if she didn't want to.

I'm not sure if I'd act any differently if I spilt up with my g/f.

[chequita guevara]

What I find interesting is the split between younger and older (i.e., more experienced) posters on this issue. We've been there, loved, lost, and learned we were damned idiot fools. Now we see you doing the same stupid **** we did, and you think you know better. Then again, we were the same way.

I still stand by my original statement. What she did while you two were not going together isn't your business. You had no right to expect her to remain chaste and wait for you to decide what you wanted to do. You were a total ass. Since it was clear that you wouldn't take her back if she was A) honest or B) told you it wasn't your business, then what she should have done was realized you weren't the man for her. But, like you, she thought with her heart and not with her head, and so she lied to placate an unreasonable potential partner.

As for what she's now going through, I would call that growth. She's leaving behind childhood and becoming an adult. She's changing. I wasn't a punk in high school. I didn't have sex in high school. I didn't drink in high school. I was or did all those things in college. Oh my gosh, she's wearing a hoodie!?! Wow, what an amazing symptom of depression. Ooh, she's drinking. Like drinking isn't the number one activity in college. Ooh, she's having sex. Yeah, well most of us aren't time-warped Victorians who think showing an ankle is a sign of poor moral hygene.

If you honestly think she has problems, ask another RA to look into it, and step away from the situation. You aren't objective.