Could use some advice about my situation

[orange]

I try to leave my personal life off the boards as much as possible, but as some of you know, I've been struggling a lot with this and I'm really not sure what to do.

A little background: I had a girlfriend for 3 years. I was madly in love with her, as she was with me. We attended the same University, and had a great first semester. Things started getting a little shaky, and she ended it with me last April. She dated a bit, but nothing remotely serious, and then decided she wanted to get back together. I still needed a little time (although I didn't want to date anyone) so i told her we'd wait and see what would happen when we got back to college. A week before we came back she started 'seeing' her best friend's quasi-boyfriend who was also coming here to Uni (a grade below us) and they became friends, but she assured me that's all it was.

I found out that she had slept with him (just in her bed nothing else) and got quite angry at that...so I avoided her for a bit...then we became friends again and had a long talk: she said she was done with being single and wanted me back. I asked her for a little time to think it over, and also asked if anything was going on with the guy. She said no, and I asked her if she had or would consider having sex with him, and she said no, and that she would never ever think of doing that with him or anyone until they were in a long term committed relationship...and I believed her. After 'getting back together' with her (or at least, damn close) I discovered a carton of condoms in her top drawer (no, i wasn't snooping, I wanted a brush) and she confessed that they were indeed screwing.

I told her I never wanted to see her again, and for the past 2.5 months - I didn't.

Recently she E-mailed me, asking if she could talk to me, pleading with me, that she had made the biggest mistake of her life and she just wanted to apologize in person. I told her I would meet her on my terms - neutrality...so we met and she apologized. I didn't speak, only listened.

Though I have absolutely no desire to get back together with her, or even be friends with her, I'm worried about her well being. She has gone from a straight A student to a D student. Her fashion and music sense has drastically changed, and she now wears hoodies and layers, loose clothes, has cut her hair shorter, and listens to depressing music. I almost did not recognize her. She joined a sorority last semester, which she used to vocally HATE not long ago, and this semester I know from others that she has engaged in heavy drinking (very very unlike her) and partying. Not to mention the fact that earlier she pretty much had sex with a guy she barely knew (also very very unlike her) She has also said:

please dont think that a day goes by that i dont want to shoot myself in the head for my actions.

She still appears happy, her soft spoken cheery voice unchanged, but I still wonder if it is right to take action.

Is it my place? What would you recommend?

[Jon Miller]

I would help if I knew how

Jon Miller

[Boris Godunov]

I don't really see what you could do. Her actions towards you seem to be to be symptomatic of her emotional troubles, not the cause. You could encourage her to seek professional help if she isn't already and you believe she's in deep emotional distress.

Other than that, I don't know. But if you're implying you feel some sort of guilt about her situation, that you should take her back to "save" her, then cut it out! You're not responsible for her state of affairs, of course.

[orange]

no no no, of course not. God I can barely stand the thought of her, let alone the presence of her in my life.

But that doesn't mean I'm tossing out my humanist side (as much as I sometimes wish I could in this case...)

I mean, I'm an RA, so I've been trained in what to do with people who go through this kind of change. But I think there is a certain "I know you" factor that could change how I should deal with this...and also...it's not as if I have something I can point to. Maybe she just experienced new things at college and changed her tastes. Maybe she likes her hair shorter. Maybe she feels more comftorable in the clothes she's wearing now.

Or maybe I'm just trying to justify it all in my mind. I certainly don't feel at all guilty. It's her fault that I hate her so much. It's just a shame, because with me in her life, she was so much happier and such a better person. That sounds conceited, i know, but i know it's true...the evidence is clear.

[Jon Miller]

don't toss the humanist side

see if you can get her help

Jon Miller

[Urban Ranger]

It seems that she's developing some kind of psychological disorder, so professional help is recommended. The thing you can do is to make sure she gets help.

Some people goes through a personality change in their early twenties, so this could also be what's happening with her. Still, she should get some diagnosis just to be sure.

[Bosh]

So wait:
1. You date.
2. You break up.
3. She dates someone else during which she has sex that she didn't tell you about.
4. She wants to break up with someone else and get back with you.

Maybe I'm just really thick skinned but since she only had sex with someone else when you were broken up I don't really understand what the big deal is (of course the reason's probably buried in the huge amounts I don't know about the situation). If I was in your position I would have taken her back months ago, especially since the alternative obviously isn't doing her much good...

[Zero]

bah! professionals... Last thing I need in my life is someone telling me what to do...

wait, we're not talking about me,

[Zero]

Originally posted by Jon Miller
don't toss the humanist side

see if you can get her help

Jon Miller

from the looks of it, i wouldnt say she even needs help. Just because someone's grade falls and they are listening to "those kinds" of music means they are unhappy. Thats so lifetime original-esque. College is often the place where you find out more about yourself.

maybe she does, but not from what ornage tells me.

[Ming]

Most universities provide free counseling... she should be guided into getting some.

[Urban Ranger]

Originally posted by Boshko
So wait:
1. You date.
2. You break up.
3. She dates someone else during which she has sex that she didn't tell you about.
4. She wants to break up with someone else and get back with you.

Maybe I'm just really thick skinned but since she only had sex with someone else when you were broken up I don't really understand what the big deal is (of course the reason's probably buried in the huge amounts I don't know about the situation). If I was in your position I would have taken her back months ago, especially since the alternative obviously isn't doing her much good...

Hm... I think the main reason orange didn't is she lied to him. What you said also makes sense.

Tough choice, eh?

[Bosh]

I think the main reason orange didn't is she lied to him. What you said also makes sense.

Right lying never makes restarting a relationship easier, but then who she was having sex with after they broke with shouldn't be all that relavant.

[monolith94]

If it were me, I'd take her back, probably, but then again I'm a sucker for sympathy cases.

[Zkribbler]

Originally posted by Urban Ranger
professional help

[Jon Miller]

Originally posted by Calc II


from the looks of it, i wouldnt say she even needs help. Just because someone's grade falls and they are listening to "those kinds" of music means they are unhappy. Thats so lifetime original-esque. College is often the place where you find out more about yourself.

maybe she does, but not from what ornage tells me.

I think he knows her better than us

he is concerned, that is enough

Jon Miller