Overcoming Social Anxiety

[Boris Godunov]

Do you find yourself avoiding conversations because you don't think you'd have much to say, i.e., not much in common with the people? I have that problem a lot. My interests are more intellectual, and sometimes I'm so wrapped up in an intellectual subject that I just can't converse about mundane matters with folks.

Hmm, that sounds terribly elitist. Ah, well...

[Jon Miller]

I am shy too

I usually have the opposite problem though

I would like to be out

but I very rarely get invited

and I don't go out by myself (too shy)

Jon Miller

[Boris Godunov]

Originally posted by Jon Miller
I am shy too

I usually have the opposite problem though

I would like to be out

but I very rarely get invited

and I don't go out by myself (too shy)

Jon Miller

Then come out for a drink with Asher and me. We promise to only go to butch straight bars.

[Asher]

I have a lot to say (you should know that by now from what I say on Poly), and it's not that the people I'm friends with wouldn't be able to keep up.

My two male best friends I've known since high school and are in computer science with me. We can talk about anything really. They're both "skaters", but also very intelligent and keep up on the same things I do.

I don't really avoid conversations with some of my best friends and family, though. I can usually talk to them about almost anything.

It's everyone else I avoid conversations with: Strangers, classmates, acquaintences, old friends, etc. And I avoid conversations partly because I don't know what to talk about, partly because I just don't want to be there and talking with people...And It's always why I won't go to Poly meets.

[Jon Miller]

I thought you were in NY and Asher was in Canada

Jon Miller

[Boris Godunov]

Originally posted by Jon Miller
I thought you were in NY and Asher was in Canada

Jon Miller

It was pure fantasy. Although, a quite tame one, since most of my fantasies nowadays involve myself, Jude Law and a whole lot of sweat.

[Boris Godunov]

Originally posted by Asher
It's everyone else I avoid conversations with: Strangers, classmates, acquaintences, old friends, etc. And I avoid conversations partly because I don't know what to talk about, partly because I just don't want to be there and talking with people...And It's always why I won't go to Poly meets.

That's what I was talking about, though...not your best friends and family, of course. I can always interact with them easily. It's those mentioned above that are the hardest to socialize with, because you're uncertain of boundaries, interests, etc.

[Asher]

I suppose, I'm always paranoid about offending someone when I'm talking to someone. Or even giving a bad impression. I'm obsessed with being well liked by people around me to the point where it drives me crazy.

[Boris Godunov]

So you you have no reason not to go to 'Poly meets now, because we've established that we wuv you.

[Asher]

Don't think it works like that Boris.

[Caesar the Great]

I just have so many mental problems... I definitely need to see a shrink

[Dis]

so really since you all know us and we all have our impressions of you, you should have no problem with us.

I say we need to schedule a N. American meeting.

[monkspider]

It's too bad there isn't a great cluster of Kansan Poly-Os.

[Kepler]

Originally posted by Asher
I suppose, I'm always paranoid about offending someone when I'm talking to someone. Or even giving a bad impression. I'm obsessed with being well liked by people around me to the point where it drives me crazy.

That's not paranoid, it's normal. Everybody tends to overestimate how much others even notice them (and certainly how much they judge them). Example: I'm very social now, and in the last week I'd say I've struck up a conversation with at least 30, maybe 40 people, just in random places (waiting in lines, wandering through the store, etc...) I remember absolutely none of them specifically. Brief social interactions just melt into each other.

Another thing is that you are in the midst of a process (and a major) where the logical progression of new ideas and applications is what you judge to be important (for good reason, since they are grading you on it ;-). In Social Life, it's almost always the opposite -- good social skills often consist in being able to touch antennae with all sorts of people who quite literally have *nothing* of interest to say to you. This bores many smart people, and makes others uneasy (the most important measure of distinguishing yourself as a good person is rendered completely null in a situation where intelligence not only doesn't matter but can even threaten people). If it weren't for sex, I'm not sure most smart people would talk to *anybody* from 16 to 26. ;-)

The whole thing about oscillating between begin God and being a Zero is also normal. My advice on that is that if it is literally stopping you from leaving your bed, then you might need a short ride on the Prozac & Celexa RR, but otherwise it's all part of life with self-perception.

I can't decide whether people lose these fears as they get older because they learn anything, or because real worries trump them (the minute your kid gets sick, all feelings of shyness go right out the window). In any case, they do go away, so hang in there.

[Solly]

Originally posted by Provost Harrison
...yet I am pretty outgoing...

You're not Rich. Outgoing is being able to go to a club on your own and leave having made ten friends without needing to buy them drinks.