Overcoming Social Anxiety

[Asher]

(I hope I don't regret posting this tomorrow )

For as long as I can remember, I've always had some intense anxiety in social situations or anticipation of social situations. I know it's normal to have it to some degree, but I think it went beyond shyness.

For the past couple of years the major effects of this have been treated as a sideeffect from some other medication I was on, only I'm not on medication these days. So I don't get that benefit anymore.

So now, I've essentially become anti-social once again to some extreme points.

I don't, ever, want to call anyone on the phone. I haven't done this in a LONG time and I always get someone else to call if possible. I also instantly dread when the phone rings because I think someone might want to talk to me.

At school I listen to music almost all the time when I'm not in a lecture so as to make me harder to approach to talk to. It's especially bad when I see someone I know that might try to strike up a conversation at a bus stop or something. I'll just avoid eye contact and hope that they don't come talk to me. And if they do come talk to me, I can't wait till it's overwith and it feels like punishment.

When my friends ask me to go out and do something I'll always think up some excuse and not go anywhere.

Even online in instant messaging, I'll almost NEVER message someone first. Almost always, they have to be the one to message me if we're going to talk. I always feel like I'm imposing or something if I message someone. After I'm messaged though, I'm usually okay. And on online forums too, I have no problems there...or with family in person either.

So...
What I'm looking for is some ways to try to get over this, because it's really tearing me up these days. I'm in college for christsake, I should be out enjoying myself.

Medication is simply not an option, I don't want to deal with that stuff anymore - And I don't want to go see another shrink.

So, how can I get back a normal life? I figure on the internet on a forum like this there'll be other people who have been through or are going through this too, so it doesn't hurt I guess...

I know someone will just mention forcing myself to just go out and do stuff a lot -- I've tried that before and all it accomplishes is a dreadful period where I can't wait to get it overwith. If it's something as simple as a houseparty on friday night and I find out on monday, it'd be in the back of my mind all week dreading it. So I don't think that's really an option either.

[Skanky Burns]

I think we're all like that to a certain extent. At least, I am. That phone thing is so me.

Having said that, I have absolutely no idea how to change it.

[monkspider]

I wouldn't worry about that Ashie, I was (and still am) like that to large extent as well. I think the best solution in this case is to do nothing, and let fate take it's proper course. Everything will work out Ashie, no need for medication or anything of that sort. Just take it nice and easy.

[Shi Huangdi]

First, I applaud you for not seeking to go back on medication right away.

As far as you problem, I hate to tell you this but there are no easy answers to it. No easy ones, but there is a simple one. Identify actions you are taking that is hindering your social life. Then stop them. Force yourself to change. Asher, does reason control you to an extent that you can choose your own actions? If so, willfully choose to start calling people. Willfully choose to go up and talk to people. Willfully choose to join student organizations and meet people in them. Willfully choose to go out and do stuff with friends. Making those hard choices is the only way. If you can't control your own actions though, going on medication/seeing a therapist may be the only option.

I used to be somewhat like you. But all the progress I have made has been because I decided to step forth and take decisive action, and force myself to do stuff. It isn't eassy, and I still have to struggle sometime, but forcing yourself is the only way anything gets done.

[Shi Huangdi]

" I think the best solution in this case is to do nothing, and let fate take it's proper course."

Monkspider and I posted at the same time. I strongly disagree with Monkspider. If you do nothing, nothing will get done and no progress will be made. You can not trust in some omnipotent fate, you can only trust in yourself to make your own fate.

[monkspider]

Shi, I simply feel that things will work themselves out in due time. The best cure for this condition I have found is time. Perhaps if Ashie is an Emily Dickinson type ten years from now, we would need to worry. You know I love ya Ashie, I just don't think there is really any need for concern at this point.
Following some of Shi's advice may be wise if you are serious about attempting to mitigate things immediately But I hold to my original advice of allowing the unseen hand of time to work things out naturally for you.

[The Mad Monk]

Monkspider, why is the cat in your avatar wearing mascara?

[Shi Huangdi]

"But I hold to my original advice of allowing the unseen hand of time to work things out naturally for you."

What unseen hand is this? Asher is an atheist, and though I think it would be great if he were to become Christian, I don't see why an atheist would place his trust in unseen hands. There is no guarantee anything will work out for you. In fact, if one continue to not seek out friends and not do things with friens you have, I think we can safely predict things won't get better for that person. In any case, Asher is in college now and if he waits college may be over before things get better(if they do), and college is one of the times when you have the most opportunity to have a good time. But Monkspider said it best, Asher.

"Following some of Shi's advice may be wise if you are serious about attempting to mitigate things immediately "

If you are serious about changing your condition, start making willful decisions to improve your social life.

[Clear Skies]

Noooooo! Not Nermal!

[Kepler]

If I can chime in though I'm not a regular, I had pretty severe social anxiety issues in my mid-teens through my early 20's, and came from a family tradition which strongly stigmatized medication and counseling, so I can share how I gradually got over it au natural. I also was (and am) an atheist, so I know how it is in the context of not having "blessed assurance" to rely upon.

#1. I know exactly what you mean about dreading upcoming social interactions, and I suggest you don't force yourself to pre-schedule anything social. The only exception is honoring family and important friend commitments (birthdays, holidays).

#2. On the other hand, when the occasion presents itself, don't just automatically say 'no' to a spur of the moment chance to do something. Even years later and very well socialized, my first response to any social offer is and likely always will be to find a half dozen excellent reasons for turning it down. Sometimes I do have to just say yes and trust that it will not be horrible. It is often enjoyable, almost never really sucks, and it has never, ever been as bad as my fears.

#3. I know the phone thing, too. My first job after college had me on the phone with 10 authors a day, and you can imagine how pleasant that was (not!). Talk to family on the phone; it helps, and it keeps you in touch with them.

#4. Believe it or not, there's a couple upsides. The biggest problem people have early in college is distraction, and when that's not an issue you can genuinely kick some ass. I don't recommend studying your head off as a substitute for a social life, but if you do something constructive with the time you'll help defuse the frustration, which tends to cycle back into the problem. Also, you're going to be one of the few people wandering around campus without a constant, ready come-on for anyone with a pulse, and the more thoughtful members of whatever sex does it for you are going to notice that -- this is an excellent self-selection mechanism for winnowing out a lot of the chaff.

#5. Don't spend all your time thinking of ways of either evading or courting this "condition" (like, say, thinking of it as a condition at all). 90% of happiness is added value to regularly scheduled activity -- a spinoff and not an event in itself. Do the things you like doing and you'll gradually find people with shared interests who won't be so painful to talk to. I know, it sounds pat, but it worked for me as directly and obviously as that.

#6. Having a close friend who kinda understands and kicks you in the ass every once in a while helps too. Don't get overly serious -- this *is* a very common reaction to early adulthood, especially for intelligent people, and it does fade out with time.

[Urban Ranger]

Walking around stark naked at school. That fixes your condition really fast.

The best way to over come fears and phobias is to do things that will lead to these fears and phobias. For example if you don't want to call people on the phone, pick up the phone now and call a friend.

It's not easy, but that's the best way.

[MRT144]

the only thing i hate is being in a social situation where i dont know anyone...and i have to make that connection...other than that its all good, unless they are female...that just compounds everything

[Urban Ranger]

That's when you should be completely naked.

[Skanky Burns]

My strategy is to work myself slowly into the position of being comfortable with social interactions. Which basically means I go out and do stuff with friends, and avoid stuff I don't really enjoy doing, like talking on the phone etc. Which by surprising coincidence is a way I maximize my enjoyment of social interactions.

Having a job helped me too. Before that, I was really painfully shy. I could barely mumble a "hello" to strangers. But working, being in contact with strangers as part of my everyday life helped aleviate this to a certain extent.

Despite popular belief, being naked in public really doesn't help with social interactions. Not desirable social interactions at any rate.

[Rimmer]

I think your case is probably hopeless - sorry.