Critique Chap. 1 of Zkribbler's novel in progress

[Zkribbler]

A Thief in Darkness is an alternative universe/Gothic/mystery story.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out it's inspired by the Thief I/Thief II computer games, but it's got its own characters, story line, religions, etc. Let me know what you think.

[Space05us]

cool, write more!!



sorry but thats the best critique I can give

[duke o' york]

Just from glancing at the first section, lose the first paragraph entirely and instead open with the character's first line.
I feel that would be better than what you have, but am too busy to read further.

[-Jrabbit]

Not familiar with the Thief games. (Probably good, eh?)

Some quick notes. Remember, you asked for it...

--The first 'graph is OK, just drop the redundant phrase "of the wedge" from the end of the 1st sentence.

--2nd reference to Timon is stilted. Make it familiar. "The Friar's question is stupid" (or similar).

--"tomorrow night" seems a little soon for the church to have all these details but no thief lined up.

--You need a brief transition when the bishop explains her plan. "Sit with me, thief" or similar.

--put a dash in "break-in"

--no threats, no vow of silence at end of bishop meeting???

--"labyrinthine" not "labyrinthic" iirc

--a "horrendous scream" caused by "a trickle of blood" ??

--Try "ingress to and egress from" -- smoother.

--Re "These I memorized, every doorway..." -- You changed verb tense. Should be "These I memorize..."

--A good thief would have a garrotte for spots where the stiletto blade's noise or reflection precludes its use.

--More on the thief's ability to be soundless and disappear into shadow should be clear prior to the last scene. It should be clear that this is a consummate professional.

--The female could pehaps disappear "even deeper than I've ever been" to create some mystery.

--Seemed odd that the bustling Great Hall should cede apparently unfettered access to the old plans. I wanted to see him slip past or bribe a guard. Or avoid some danger that keeps others away...

And are the plans in the old script or not?

Overall, a fun read. Kind of a religious Stainless Steel Rat vibe. Definitely needs some attention, but definitely worth some attention...

[Ben Kenobi]

Zkribbler, I'll look it over when I get home.

[Makeo]

I can't critique it but I like it. I could read more.

[Whaleboy]

I like it, however, one general stylistic concern is that you are telling the reader what happens, whereas I would replace some of the factual dialogue with more adjective insights.

Otherwise, c'est tres bien!

[Japher]

The first paragraph sounds off. First person present tense is tough. Probably could do without the comma in the first sentence, and use a semi-colon to combine the second and last sentence.

Edit: He opens a door THAT takeS us into a narrow, dimly lit corridor,...

Edit: She returns the sign of the holy wedge

bla, bla, bla

I like it, needs more editing, nothing major that you couldn't find yourself. Keep writing and then, when done, worry yourself about this stuff.

[Zkribbler]

Thanks for the comments. They were very helpful and I've managed to incorporate most of them into Chapter One.

My biggest concern right now is Jrabbit's observation that the Church would probably have a burglar lined when the party's the next night. That is true. But as yet I can't figure out a better way to handle this. I want Chapter Two to be the break-in, not Nick killing a week while the party draws ever closer.

Japher's troubled by the use of the 1st person, present tense. Boy, that's what I get for mixing genres. Fantasies are traditionally in the 3rd-person past. Mysteries are in the 1st-person, either past or present. I've tentatively decided on writing this like a mystery, but if this is bothering other people, let me know.

[Ben Kenobi]

Why not use the week to introduce people to the character? To explain precisely why the church needs the script so badly?

If you don't want to give that away, give tiny hints in the background, little things going on in the Church, how it's fraying at the edges.

Secondly,

"I have taught myself to read the city's first alphabet, a now-forgotten flowing writing called Protius Baroque-B."

Interesting, but why would such a master of languages become a thief? It seems incongruous. I see two possibilities, an academic who got bounced and could never hack the real world, or someone dissatisfied with the returns of an academic.

[monolith94]

Yeeeeeeah....

Where do I start?

I'd reccomending putting it aside for a few days, totally ignoring it, and then picking it back up and rereading it. This will help give you a bit of objectivity when reviewing it for fluidity of writing and grace in your style.

But look at it this way, you're already writing better than Grisham.

[-Jrabbit]

1. The week can flow by quickly, with just a couple notes relating to preparations for the job. These can be revelatory of Nick's background with the church, and his assumed cool professionalism as a thief.

2. Stick with 1st person present. It's much more challenging to write, but more engaging to the reader.

You've given the reader a general backdrop to the picture you're painting. Fill in some details -- within chapter one -- that you can refer to later. Ideas -- tools of the trade, more language and church background per the Jedi, some details of the catering/party arrangements, etc.

I also wanted the bishop to refer to some sort of divine intervention ("you were made manifest to us, as writ in scripture" sort of thing) to explain their lack of prep. (The confessor might have been prepped as the alternate thief.)

Don't spend too much time refining the intro. Once you get further into the storyline, a lot of "what must have happened earlier" will become apparent and can then be incorporated.

Good luck!