Help Spiffor's Girlfriend writing good English

[Paul Hanson]

Don't ask me why it put all those huge gaps in it, because I really don't know.

[MikeH]

UR... some of that is still a bit dodgy... sorry.

[Combat Ingrid]

Was this meant for a course in English? If so, she should hand in the uncorrected version, so the teacher can point out and discuss the mistakes she's doing, she may learn something that way

[Spiffor]

Combat Ingrid:
The focus of the course is International Relations, and the teacher will have to correct about 100 similar essays in a short time. In this kind of courses, learning English is not the main goal.

Paul Hanson:
Thanks for the correction. I'll mail her now

[pchang]

I vote for the Hanson version.

[Drake Tungsten]

UR... some of that is still a bit dodgy... sorry.

Yeah, but cut him a little slack. Not bad for a non-native speaker.

[Asher]

"Help Spiffor's Girlfriend writing good English" --> "Help Spiffor's Girlfriend Write English Well"

[Asher]

UR's version also has problems with consistent tense.

[Ben Kenobi]

Let me take a crack at the passage.

Thanks Rah for lifting the restriction.

[lord of the mark]

Originally posted by Ben Kenobi


Let me take a crack at the passage.

Thanks Rah for lifting the restriction.

welcome back

[Ben Kenobi]

First part....

I'm going to try to cut this to three sentences as this is supposed to be her introduction, but this is a better rewording.

Let us not in the flurry of the recent war on terror overlook a far more significant conflict between India and Pakistan. Since 1947, over 50 years ago, this conflict spawned from the Partition of India, dividing the former British colony of India into two sovereign states: India and Pakistan. Split along lines of religion, India for predominantly Hindu areas, and Pakistan for predominantly Muslim regions, both sides now clash over Kashmir, a region in the Himalayas. Originally ceded to India at the Partition, Pakistan successfully challenged this claim in the war of 1949 winning the predominantly Muslim portion of Kashmir. Since 1949, relations still have not been normalised between India and Pakistan, precluding a lasting peace.

Several factors in this dispute draw the attention of the world. First, the population of India and Pakistan represent a sixth of the world's population. Secondly, both sides possess nuclear weapons. In assessing this conflict, the Realism Theory of International Relations seeks to understand why both actors behave in the fashion recorded.

[Ben Kenobi]

LoTM:

I have numerous posts to deal with.

Thanks for your concern.

[Ben Kenobi]

I) - Theoretical part
The Agent Network Theory studies the relations between the actors in international relations applying to individuals, groups, states, and supranational organizations. Therefore, this theory can properly assess the actions of sovereign nations such as India and Pakistan.

These agents have multiple complex interactions combined together like a computer network, in that each individual change affects all the other actors in the network. This theory assumes all agents seek power in order to fulfill their national interests.

Realism supplements the ANT theory, to provide this assumption in the study of actors seeking to obtain power and strength. As the dominant theory in international relations since the second world war, Realism originated with Thucydides with "The Peloponnesian war" and Hobbes with "The Leviathan". According to Hobbes, "homo homini lupus", i.e. Humans are in a perpetual war together. He explains this phenomenon with "anthropological pessimism", that war is a natural state to man. Thanks to the State people can live in peace under a representive but in the scope of international relations, the states become the actors, and can be accorded the same desires of power and strength. Therefore, the states also live in a world of perpetual war.

[Spiffor]

Thanks Ben, but I have already mailed the correction to her I ended up choosing Paul Hason's version, to avoid any discrepancies in style.

Now, if you guys want to compare your style by rewording the introduction, I have no problem with that

[Ben Kenobi]

Spiffor:

Here's the three sentence introduction cutting some of the unnecessary information not required for her thesis.

Let us not in the flurry of the recent war on terror overlook a far more significant conflict between India and Pakistan, involving two nations comprising one- sixth of the world's population and two fledgling nuclear arsenals. Spawned in 1947 by the Partition, the division of the former British colony of India into two sovereign states: India and Pakistan, both sides now clash over Kashmir, a region in the Himalayas. In assessing this conflict, the Realism Theory of International Relations seeks to understand why both actors behave in the fashion recorded.