Let's make an awful battle doctrine!

[rah]

Re: Let's make an awful battle doctrine!

Originally posted by Lonestar

2. Standard uniforms will be fire engine red; officers' uniforms will be the same, but with gold braid and trim and plumed hats.

3. Troops will be trained not to take cover, because it is unmanly.

Weren't these standards for the British army in the mid 1700's?

[GePap]

10. All orders will be issued in Latin, since they are so holy, that it is not up to the troops to actually know what their orders where.

11. Soldiers can only drink water every two days, and eat every 5 days. the acts of ingestion might allow evil spirits to enter, so food and water intake must be limited. this is doubly true when the army is forced to march over 10 miles a day.

12. All soldrers must cut off their left hands at the wrist, to insure the sinister is kept to a minimum.

13. When a soldier is deemed a veteran, his right eye will be pucked out, so that the injury will be a clear status symbol to the enemy that they are facing tought veterans willing to have their eyes plucked out, and thus hopefully force them to flee in terror.

[gopher]

14. Troops shall be organised in groups of 25 men, forming a 5x5 square. To ensure that the square stays a square, troops shall be tightly taped together.

15. Since bullets are messy and dangerous, troops are only to use sharp wit and dry humor in battle.

[Eli]

16. All soldiers should be Arabs.

[BeBMan]

Originally posted by gopher
15. Since bullets are messy and dangerous, troops are only to use sharp wit and dry humor in battle.

Hey, don´t you remember that monthy python thing (forgot the name) about the deadly joke ?!

[uh Clem]

Give Rumsfeld an unlimited budget and unchecked authority. Tell him to do whatever he thinks will get the best ratings on Fox.

[MattH]

17. Soilders MUST whistle at all times

18. $75 Circut City Gift Certificates to the winners, from the losers..

[The Mad Monk]

19. When engaging in battle, soldiers must march in the open toward the enemy, singing boisterous marching songs accompanied by a full fife and drum section. They must stop to fire from no less than 40 yards and no more than sixty yards, and must always stand unless in the front rank because anything less would be unmanly and muss the uniforms. The front rank may kneel when reloading, but only when the second rank is ready and able to fire.

[Cruddy]

20. All officers are to be blindfold at all times lest they see something that upsets them.

21. To prevent retreat, all other ranks are to be shot in the ankles.

[The diplomat]

Originally posted by The Mad Monk
19. When engaging in battle, soldiers must march in the open toward the enemy, singing boisterous marching songs accompanied by a full fife and drum section. They must stop to fire from no less than 40 yards and no more than sixty yards, and must always stand unless in the front rank because anything less would be unmanly and muss the uniforms. The front rank may kneel when reloading, but only when the second rank is ready and able to fire.

And for centuries, European armies actually did this.

[JCG]

22. Soldiers must stop to clean their boots at all times, lest they look shamefully dirty during parades.

[Dauphin]

23. Rather than giving amphetamines to boost alertness, all soldiers will be given sleeping pills to take before a battle.

[Cruddy]

Originally posted by The Mad Monk
And for centuries, European armies actually did this.

ACW tactics were radically different?

25. In the unlikely event that prisoners are taken, they are not to be searched for weapons so that they can kill their captors and escape back to their own side.

[Pekka]

This thread is cool

Have to think of something..

[mrmitchell]

Soldiers will be encouraged to take up addictions to drugs such as pot and heroin. In the middle of battle, as they are pulling the drugs out for another hit, the enemy will ask for some themselves.

All soldiers must pass "reality tests", where they indicate the correct political doctrine and strategy.

Soldiers will have a months ration of chips and soda in their back pack. Due to the weight of this, nonessential things such as weapons and ammunition will be removed.

Also, soldiers will have cell phones and lap tops on and ready for use during battle. If they get a call, they will drop their weapon, hoist up the truce flag, and recieve it.

The truce flag consists of taking off their boots, pants, and running their underwear up on an official, realistic, life-size pole firmly placed in the ground.

Cannons will be used regularly. The cannonballs will be replaced with boxes of small condoms marked "Made in [Enemy Country], Large." (Actually, didn't the USA do something like this in Vietnam?)

On the same line of thought, soldiers will be equipped with a year's worth of pornography magazines in order to replace need for any female. (Females will not be allowed to fight.)

Soldiers will be covered in rubber, in the hopes that bullets will bounce off it.

Soldiers will regularly hold committees and staff meetings on the field of battle to decide how to fight. Generals and officers are merely ceremonial positions that do not hold any real power.

One in three grenades is designed to blow up immediately when you take the pin off.

In interest of history, soldiers of European nations must use archebuques and trebuchets instead of real guns and artillery.

The Australian Supergun will be given to all Australian soldiers, who will not be trained on it at all.

Soldiers will fight for a religious cause that is ambiguous but involves Mr. Peanut and Oprah Winfrey.

All soldiers will use electronics devices powered by Windows where they need an OS.

OSHA will make sure all battlefields are worker-friendly before the battle begins.