It's that time again...

[Japher]

That's F'd up man!!! I'm thinking, will post soon... Your a good person Pekka, remember that. I will edit this post as a reply.

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Sounds like you mom will say here (is she on VISA?) here's what I would do:

Go to/call your dad and tell him what her plans are and/or comfort him. Why? Your mom already abandoned him, and bet you that he has an idea that this was coming. I would, from this point on, invest heavily in my dad.

Second, I would tell my mom that I am ashamed of her and angry, and that while I don't understand where she is coming from with this she!t, that I expect her to remain my mom and to contine the love she has given me, and that I hope that we can remain close. This is all for buisness reasons, since your mom will probably be becoming a US cit. sometime soon (from the sounds of it) and that it would be a lot easier for you to get here because of that.

Third, comfort your father (some more). I know that your relations may not be the best, but he is your father, and he is afterall human. He admires you for being like him, he may not show it, but he is...


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Basically, you are you, they are they, unfortunatly your mom is making her one of they... Figure out how you can take advantage of them the most, while still showing them that you love them, and while still looking out for yourself... Personally, I am rather mad at your mom, but to give her credit, your dad doesn't sound like he tried to keep her or make her happy... He knows, she knows, is all you need to remember, you aren't the only one who sees things as you do...

Pekka, I am here for you and want to see get what you deserve... UNfortunatly I have to deal with my life (wifey is home) and I must tend to that... I will reply again tomorrow... You take care, and remember what I have told you, in particulary that this is not about you, and that it is 'you' you need to think about...

Take Care

Till Later

[Pekka]

Take your time Japher, I'm up for posting anyway. I'm not going to bed any time soon, I went to get some medicine to my raving head ache, but I took some caffeine pills instead, by accident. I'm not feeling tired for a long time.

[Pekka]

I hope you're not writing a book there Japher .

... and while waiting for Japher to reply, anyone else who is up for discussion, join up.. doesn't have to be about divorces etc.. just something..

[Spiffor]

Pekka :

Gosh. That's hard

About your Dad, his hardworking habit leaves him one chance. You said he wants to retire, which is good. Plenty of workaholic retirees work in associations or organizations, and devote their time to the thing (generall a humanitarian or a hobby association).

If he goes there, and I sure hope he will, he'll find new "colleagues" and a renewed postcarreer social life, without thinking he is useless.

About your mother, I think she didn't left him before because of your age. There are generally two waves of divorce : very shortly after the wedding, when the couple realises it isn't the good combination, AND after several decades of marriage, when all kids are grown up, and when this big unifying factor (raising the kids) is obsolete.
You said your mother planned the divorce for years... I think that's because she didn't want to break your dad (and indirectly you) before you were fully grown up and able to resist the shock.

Lastly, about your dad again, know that people can learn at all ages. If his workaholism makes him having an associative social life, his new colleagues might (this is very far from being certain, but the chances is not nil.) teach him how to enjoy life. The divorce will be enough of a crisis to maybe push him to think about his way of life and change it.

There is hope for the situation not being as dire as you say, because there are some opportunities at hand. Your role here will only be to help your dad seizing these opportunities.

If you reply, please do it quickly, I'm going to bed very soon

[Bereta_Eder]

Pekka, I wish I had opened this thread earlier and say something

All I can say is courage and life does NOT end if or if you don't enter the university here and now or, if your parents get a divorce.

i think you need to try and distance yourself from all this, take a breathing space, although I can understand it's hard to do.

i cannot say anything else I'm dead tired, osrry, but I'll say this : you know brain cells which record emotions are just like plasteline, like a matress, the emotion is printed on them and the harder the emotion the harder the imprint, but just as sure as the laws of physics, like a matress will come back to its previous form sooner or later, so do the brain cells which record emotions they will looese more and more their imprint AS TIME GOES BY. This time can be just 24 hours, and if you sleep it's better, and the imprint will not be so heavy on the cells any more.

i know it's stupid thing what I found to say.

but courage anyway

[Agathon]

Originally posted by Pekka
Agathong

Agathong?

And I was being nice.

[Pekka]

Spiffor

Well.. he retires because he's old. He should have retired few years ago anyway. He does not want to retire, and is making it just harder for himself. Working is all he knows, he defines himself by that. And he spends time at home too, but when he's home, he can't do anything, except wait for another day of work. He never picked up hobbies for himself, never. The only place he feels comfortable is work. He loves it there, because he's very good at it. He can't decide things, he can't make even the simplest food, he can not even use the ATM properly. I'm serious. He only knows work, and that's it. He doesn't care about doing anything else, and he doesn't even want to. He's a stubborn SOB too. He won't go to any meetings, he won't help himself. He doesn't let anyone help him. He is VERY stubborn. You have to know the man to know what it means. He will be forever lonely, sad and bitter. This is for sure.


Japher

Thanks for replying.. Yeah she has VISA. She won't become US citizen. She'll prolly be there for another year or two and then come back here. She is getting paid under minimum wage I think, anyway very bad considering her job and skills and they have admitted it but won't change the situation. She should be making over 2 times more than she's now making. In this month alone after paying federal taxes (or state, not sure), she's left with 400 dollars.. So no, she won't be staying.

About me and my dad.. well.. we are two guys who are the same, and at the same the exact opposites. He will not accept my comfort, well at least he acts like it even if he appreciates it, and I don't know how to give it to him. We are truly impotents in this way. We are both strong willed and stubborn. But I'll try to think of some way, I just don't know how.

About my mom, I have e-mailedher and that I will not support her in this, but in general I won't be walking away from her. I clearly stated what I think of this, and that she is leaving an old man alone who can't survive alone, and lacks normal everyday skills.

As I said, she should have done this earlier. Not because of my feelings. If they were younger, I'd be sad for a while but get over it. Now I'm thinking about my old man, who is getting this thing over his shoulders and it's just too heavy, I know it for sure.

Thanks for being on my side of things and hearing me out. It means a lot to me, as I have no one to talk about my stuff in real life. Well maybe few people, but I'm just a wussy that I just can't. Like my dad never could. Ironic.

[Pekka]

Agathon sorry, type error.. I actually typed your name as agathong again in that bolded text before I noticed it .

paiktis Thanks for the kind words.. they feel good. I'm just sad that my old man is going to get this. It's just not fair to him. All he wanted to do is to provide for us, work hard because that's all he knows, and now when he can't work anymore .. then this.

I'll get over this fast for sure, I just hope she had the courage of doing this earlier, so my dad would have a chance too, and not be chicken like this. That makes me angry.

[Ben Kenobi]

There has been many setbacks, and recently they have been mounting so much and they're about to burst all at the same time, and I don't think this is healthy.

Pekka:

The problem with stifling some emotions is that eventually, all of them get chipped away. Bottling up how you feel will only leave you more depressed.

If you want to PM me, fire away, and I'll answer as best as I can.

Good for you to contact your dad. Try to open up to him, I'm somewhat like you in that I don't let others get too close, (I'm a lot nicer from far away.)

Tell your mom that while you don't agree with her decision, that you are still her son and she is still your mom. She's going to feel bad enough losing your dad, regardless of what she says she feels right now.

What attracted her to your dad in the first place? Try to remind her of happier times. I'm really sorry to hear that things are so bad for you, your school, and your family.

I'd tell you to come to Canada, but I'm afraid we don't have much of a military to satisfy.

Please don't be afraid to let it out, and to place all your burdens. In my own example, I would remind myself of:

1 Peter 5:7
"Cast all your anxiety on Him, because he cares for you."

[Zero]

Ive had a friend that was like ur mom. He wouldnt resolve anything and explode on a person because things didnt work out. I advised him over and over again to resolve issue before they build up, because he clearly does get pissed off at things other people are at fault at, but since he never expresses it, its not fair for other people to have to deal with the **** when he blows up on them.

I dont hang out wit him anymore cause I cant take that ****. Hes got issues and no social skills.

But if he was a family member, I guess I wouldnt be able to just ditch him.

[Pekka]

obiwan18 and Zero, I don't know what made them be together in the first place. I don't care what military is like, just that there is one . Moving means money, broke means no moving.

You guys know what the biggest joke is? She actually does also some marriage counceling for couples as part of her job. Gives them advices to communicate and try to work problems out. It's funny, because she doesn't do it herself! I asked her if she had tried enough, and she confessed that she hasn't tried too much at all. Now that's what I call hypocrite. She has always had the opportunity to do what she wants. I mean, she works across the world now, so it's not he restricts her. She wanted to change her profession when she was in her mid 30s.. sure, my dad paid for her studies, and was the only one bringing money to the family making sure we got all we wanted. And we did and then some. He worked his ass off. He takes no joy himself, and now when he's most vonurable and needs her literally because he lacks every damn skill from starting going to grocery store to ordering take out food, plus he's already forgetting things all the time because of his age, NOW she decides to dump him cold, from another side of the globe, reaching for something better???? She will literally destroy his 'future'. Is she going to dump him in retirement home or something? What about pay for it? I don't think so! Just 'good bye, we did have some nice times didn't we, let's not feel bad that I want to try my wings and sorry that I didn't tell about my feelings and problems at all to you and that this is a surprise and that I didn't give you second chance, or chance to change. Now go and die alone'. Yeah, what a nice thing to do.
Like I said, it's not about growing apart anymore, it's about deal you make to stay together. Too bad if you get bored, but if you decide to stab somone in the back and not even have the courage to talk about it and make the plans ready and everything.......... it will leave me standing my mouth open and to gain that respect back is going to be super tough. It's all about leaving someone who needs you, because you soon can't take care of yourself.

When my dad came here to do some work from the US, that's when they lived apart for some months. She e-mailed that she was first sad because of the separation, but then realized she can survive alone too, and when she really thought of it, she realized that maybe he wasn't the man he wanted. So, she lived with him because she HAD to? Because she couldn't survive? Well guess what, he could have lived without her all the time, but just now he can't anymore, and that's when she realizes she can make it her own and dump him? Oh yeah, that's honourable thing to do. Jeesh..

[Cruddy]

Well Pekka, it's a setback with university. But you can always do formal study later.

What I suggest you do is write a wish list of stuff you NEED to study. Identify your blind spots and take any old course, read any old book, to broaden your education.

As for your parent, of course you feel bad, and of course, you want to tell your Dad. But the people above are right - it's not your place to come between your parents. Not now, not ever.

Try and support both at this difficult time. Choosing sides now is a BAD move. Don't commit too early - because it can take years, DECADES, to come back from that point.

Deal with the hear and now. Get a job, ANY job, that will occupy your body and bring in a little cash - and start planning your life, rather than reacting.

I spent all of my life up to 33 just drifting and reacting. Now I've finally made it onto a university course, I'm gonna stick it. Maybe 5 years till my degree, I'll be 40 - yep, FORTY - before I'm qualified but so what?

I enjoyed my youth and learned a lot, NONE of it in the classroom, quite a lot on the street, protesting and being a rebel.

I've done my bit for socialism and now it's time to concentrate on ME.

Start this process earlier, and believe me, you'll go further and faster. OK, you might miss out on some good parties - but as you are finding out, partying is for when you've got the time to spare. As a lifestyle it's a dead end.

Hope this helps.

[Pekka]

Cruddy, yeah.. I just don't know what I want anymore, or what I should do with my future. I'm going to take few days off and escape to summer cabin next week and spend some time there. Get those batteries charged and get ready for the next battle. I'm not giving anything up, no sir, you're wrong if you think that.

Quite the opposite. There has been some failures in the past, but all in all I've been always succesfull for what ever I have decided to do. I know I still got it, I just need to find my magic and get to the zone. This will only make me stronger and more determined. I will never ever give up, and not when things are going bad because that's when it matters. Yeah, I'll get there a way or another, just wait and see..

[Cruddy]

"A good general knows when to retreat, and has the courage to do so."

AW Duke of Wellington

[Cruddy]

Like I said, study your blind spots. Decide if Uni is what you need right now, or maybe a stint in business management or seal hunting or whatever.

Education is all very well - but there is no substitute for experience.