Mikes story

[steamthunk]

Well, late to the party as usual, but at least I got to read all of the final bits at once instead of waiting for each segment. A fine ending!

If I had one suggestion for improvement I would say try embellishing some of the key scenes more and skipping some non-essentials. For instance, the traveling bits to Moscow could have been taken out entirely and more space could have been given to setting up tension in the assassination sequence. Why? Well we all know Mike & Co. will make it to Moscow so any encounters there are throw-aways. However, the actual assassination is pivotal and I felt I wanted more details about the setting of the parade, the final moments of what Catherine was doing before she is killed, the reactions of the crowd and body guards, etc.

Again, really good first story!

[ChrisiusMaximus]

Yes I think I can see your point there Steamthunk, but I dont agree about the journey to Moscow. If I was to rewrite I would leave it the same but expand a little on the assaaaination as per your suggestion. If I get time I may edit in some extra Text.

Thanks for the feedback.

EDIT Ive decided after much thought that, although I genuinely appreciate your advice and comments that I will leave this story as it stands with the ending and final chapters the way I intended them to be.

[TheGuitarist]

Nice job, Chrisius, and I'm proud of me for giving the ultimate sacrifice.

I certainly agree with Mr. Steamthunk, however, in that the ending needed a bit more detail. Perhaps it would have been even more powerful if you had left out the realization of Vovan's treachery until the battle at the very end.

In any case, superb job. Waiting for the sequel.

Fabula finita est. (The tale has been finished.)

[ChrisiusMaximus]

Thanks Tom aka The guitarist for your support.

[unscratchedfoot]

That's not fair! I wanted to be cooked off in the story too. Next time you write a story Chris, I wanna go down in a blaze of glory (and take a lot of bad guys with me).

[ChrisiusMaximus]

Ill see what I can do Scratch

[ChrisiusMaximus]

BUMP

Ive sent this back to the top due to the fact there seems to be more activity here just lately. If there are any other readers who would like to comment on this for good or bad I would appreciate the feedback.

This was my first story here and all suggestions will help me in my endeavor to write my second, but dont be bashful if you love "Mikes Story" then say so! Please.

[vovan]

Originally posted by ChrisiusMaximus
All suggestions will help me in my endeavor to write my second.

Aha, so can expect the second any time soon then? That'd be great

[SKILORD]

It isn't bad Chris, you get plenty of feedback though, it makes me jealous.

[unscratchedfoot]

Here's what I think of you & your story

Hehe (I told you I was immature)

[bassman]

Looks as if I'm late getting back to the party, too.

Absolutely a whopping story, Chrisius, especially for your first effort. Mine was so dry, you couldn't eat it with gravy.

Looking forward to your sequel. Perhaps the lovely blonde woman is Catherine's daughter, out for revenge!

[vovan]

Originally posted by bassman:
Perhaps the lovely blonde woman is Catherine's daughter

Ooh, ooh, it's my turn to make a wacko prediction of the day (© unscratchedfoot):

The woman in the church is not Catherine's daughter. Here is the deal: When Leeds was conquered back when, Catherine came to the crushed city, to make a speech. She wanted to convince the Englishmen that they should not resist, and if they willingly join Russian workers in their efforts to create bright future, they would live happy lives. When she was leaving the city, she saw a little girl, standing on her knees in front of a dead woman's body, crying. As a sign of goodwill, and to further impress the people, Czarina decided to take the girl with her, and let her be one of her maids. A lackey sat the girl into the carriage, next to the ruler of Russia.

"What do they call you?" asked Catherine in English.
"Jess," answered the girl...

***

Jess lived with Czarina in the palace, and the two of them got so attached to each other, that Czarina felt motherly love towards the girl, and in the mind of Jess replaced her deceased mother. Catherine all but officially adopted Jess. Of course, the girl never knew that Russians actually killed her parents. She also fell in love with a page named Mikhail. He also reminded her of Mike with his looks. Besides, he was a very witty young man, and spoke English fluently.

With time, Jess got to know Russian very well, but never lost her ability to speak English.

***

On the fatal day for Catherine, Jess was in the cathedral, praying for the well-being of her step-mother, hoping that maybe some day she could become the ruler of the Mighty Empire of Russia, since the Czarina had no other heirs.

Jess heard footsteps, and hid behind the altar. She sat there during the whole thing, occasionally peeking out. But when she caught glimpses of the English faces, in desperate need of a shave, and disfigured with anger, terror, and some barbarian desire to kill, she was so scared that she didn't dare even breathe, and held her breath for minutes at a time.

She also saw general Vovan go down in a barrage of bullets... She remembered when she was a little girl, he used to come to the palace, and bring her toys and sweets. (The part she didn't know was that he just tried to gain access to the throne, knowing of Catherine’s tender feelings towards the girl.) Even though Jess had always remembered that she was born in England, she had just seen two of the dearest people in her life die. Again. This was too much for her. As the assassins fled, she knew that she would devote her life to seeking them out and destroying them.

***

Her search is close to being over. She is sitting in a church. Her revenge would be so much sweeter, since the man she hates most would die in the same surrounding she saw the man she loved like a father breathe his last…

***

Ha, beat that scratchy

[ChrisiusMaximus]

I would have to say vovan that is very good, especially if we ever get the joint writing thingy off the ground.

[unscratchedfoot]

Chris, no thanks for my last post "praising" your story?



Man, I got too many ideas for new stories. I think I'll write a Christmas comedy next to add some cheer to the forum. We need it after that tiff with Lookarse (uh oh, bad spelling again!)... uh.. Kickmyarse... whatever

[ChrisiusMaximus]

Hey Scratchy where in the hell did you buy those mistakes from huh, I got sole rights to all selling mistake trading on this forum. Who's undercutting me eh, is it that CAN YOU SEE MY BUTT guy ? hes a real pain in the ASS!!

Oh yeah BTW thanks for your ever unique form of praise as always, sorry I forgot to mention it earlier.

Good smilie that he he!