STILL ALIVE!

[pchang]

Good news. Now, just make sure your crazy radar is working.

[Dinner]

I am still waiting for pictures of Finnish girls.

[rah]

Hope she's as good as it looks. You deserve it. Good luck.

[Pekka]

Thank you friends,

She is definitely sane. I know so because I actually went out couple of times after my divorce and few of them... nto so sane! One of them absolutely insane. One of them, really really nice and sane, liked her a lot but she said she wants only a very serious relationship. As do I, but she did not want to wait. Too bad, I did liek her a lot. She was close to perfect, gave me total freedom of everything, was fun and nice, like real wife material. But too eager, did not respect my space at the end and would not compromise. Also kept wayyy too much contact with her ex-husband who, after all what she told me, used to hit her. She was still under his spell. She actually dumped me for not being serious enough. But she was sane. A good girl, a way too good girl (as in victimized easily and accepts too much crap). But I missed her sanity. Plus her sister was a huge fantasy/scifi nerd. I mean in a big way, and his hubby was a gaming nerd. And her dad was like wine and beer nerd. Altogether a super fun family. I wish them nothing but the absolute best. I think I am too mucuh of an ******* for them anyway. We did not share much common interest though, except she gave me 100 % freedom to pursue everything I want.

However, this one is good. Fun on a whole other level, I actually laugh at her jokes, not being polite, but she is really funny in my opinion. I still cannot believe my luck so I have to be on sanity patrol for some time. But so far she is checking out just fine. Just letting you know that I finally invited her to my place. So this is the first date that takes place here. She has never been in here. I was able to find some of her favourite sketch comedies on DVD that were hard to find (they don't make them anymore) and I said when I find them, then she has to come to my place because she does not have a DVD player (she spends time outdoors and reading - definitely a huge huge plus!), so she has to come here. And she said yes. It took my no longer than 30 minutes to track down all of the seasons, I got them from individual merchants second hand but mint condition. So I got lucky. I think she woudl have still come of course but this makes it more fun. I also happen to like the DVDs a lot. So then I invite her, make us some great food, introduce my home to her. It'll be so much fun. I am excited, a bit nervous, but definitely not goign to back down. I mean I probably can't sleep tonight because I get so excited just thinking about it.

You know with my history I really do not want to introduce jsut about anyone to my parents anymore. Casual dating is not enough. I just tell them yeah mom, I've been on dates, I can get a date, I am not lonely except by choice. They get worried when I say I have a new date, they got traumatised by my ex-wife as well. My mom did, my old man is old school so my ex-wife is afraid of him just because of his "you know what you did" -look.

However, this one I could definitely see myself introducing, and them just absolutely loving her. Every single cell in her body smiles. Not that psychotic smile or learned from the physiology book and mirror practice, but real, warm grandma smile. Except she is hot.

Oh, did I tell you she also does roller derby? She is badass! I have not felt like this in ages. Not even with my ex wife. At one point I did, but that was LOoooong time ago. I am very much alive. Maybe one day I will send a pic of her with her permission. I will send a pic of us together one day, I promise.

[Pekka]

by the way who was it? Dinner? Basically warning me against getting it on too soon. Thakn you, you were absolutely 100 % right. Then it was way too early. It was difficult to accept, because I was not sure I would be alive for another year or so. So what a person wants is comfort, someone. Not to chance dying first. But... here I am, and it was worth the wait. And yes, it was absolutely important to not mess around while married and waiting for the official decision from the court (obviously important), but waiting to meet someone even afterwards, yes, it was worth the wait. Why? I am making 0 compromises with her. Just none. We accept each other as we are. For me it is very genuine as it is for her.

[kentonio]

Awesome news Pekka, I hope the two of you are outrageously happy.

[Pekka]

No bad news, bad news. Damn it!

She is bailing out It sucks. I really liked her. I really did, I still do. I kind of tried to ask her what's up... of course I can see she is getting away, slowly but surely. But why? I understand now. She didn't say it directly but implied she does not want to plan on a serious relationship with me because my future is unsure.

That stung. Still does. She was all that I looked for. Outgoing, outdoorsy, funny and fun, relaxed, pretty, strong and sexy, real red head... (and not that I care about hair color but she was unique). Smooth voice... just everything. And again this crap ruins it. I do not like this. Second time this happened to me already. It is difficult to start to like a woman, when this happens again. I feel a bit choked up. ****.

[kentonio]

Sorry Pekka, but don't let it taint women in general for you. Every one who doesn't have the spirit to fight with you is a bullet you've dodged, and there will be plenty more out there who will fight alongside you through thick and thin.

[Pekka]

I mean I realise she's not a very good woman for me if she does not even give me a straight answer or respect me enough to break up with me properly. THat's the part that hurts the most. She just does not answer. Not even a text message, only silence. I had like a date with her in two weeks but I guess it's off, that was the precedence why I tried to get that info but ever since the ambiguous my future is unsure and therefor not possible for her to plan upon, well... not like I'll keep asking her about the date. The least she could do is just let me know and not leave me hanging like this - because this means it's over.

I already happened to reserve us a nice table at a nice place. I was idiot enough to plan about asking her to officially be my gf. I mean not ask in an official way but like taking the next step. I guess not. The least she could do is to call it off. And not be silent like death. That's just rude and hurtful.

[Pekka]

I am a bit to ashamed - or not - but I did cry a little a couple of hours ago. I think this is the first time I've done it over a woman, ever. I did not feel this way with my ex wife. With her I felt betrayal. That is all. And happiness when she left. With this one I felt kindred spirit or what ever you'd call it. I felt safe, I just felt good about myself, her and us. And future, the so called uncertain future. I have nothing to say.

[Pekka]

To her credit, I did just get a message saying she wants to clear her head and then talk with me. I still think she's fading but then again at least showing the decency to actually communicate it. I feel at least a bit better about it, even if it is goign to be a break off. It makes a huge difference to say it, than to be in complete silence. Happened to me last time I liked someone and I grew a great distaste for her just because of that. I have never ever had a break up like that, my worst is over a phone. Never even a text message. I think you have to own up to the situation.

I guess women are my cryptonite!But only some.... only special ones...

[rah]

There are a lot of them out there. So never despair.

[Pekka]

rah, true... but good women are hard to find. With good values. There is this problem of, at least what I have seen that women that share the same values are always over 40. And have had bad relationships. Many of them. So I view many of them kind of... well not very bright. Choosing wife beaters and cheaters time and again. And so now you are over 40 (I am 35) and very interested in me. Oh well, I am not.

Then again, women in their 20s are inexperienced most of the times. Women in 30s are often just married, new mothers and whatnot in here. So a single woman in 30s with good values and a brain is hard to find. A traveller no less. I find it appealing. I will meet another one for sure but I did like this one, in fact I still do so I have some forgetting to do.

[pchang]

Is it too late in the year to brew some Sima?

[Pekka]

It is never too late but I am not into it....

We'll see what happens. I have to make a decision of my own. I guess I will stick with the date and give her time/space to think about things. Of course a natural explanation is that she is also thinking about the next step and getting a bit scared, I have my next control next week, this is a reality that is easy to accept when it's not even close. But when the time comes and there is no escaping it... it is not that simple. So she might be protecting herself. I mean we were both on the same side of what's going on, no casual dating, no quick relationship but serious. So it just might be that she is a bit scared and fighting with the thing inside her head before she wants to commit. Could be. So I should give her time. But only when our date is due. If she skips it, then it's off. But by then I want to know because I do not want to invest more myself into this if I get the silent treatment again about not being sure.
It is immature.