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Me -thread warning.
In my marriage not being trusted nor respected, I have found that I'm really anxious, frustrated and don't know how long I can take it anymore. After reasoning, saying that we need to communicate, she does not want to try. By trust and respect I mean the way she talks to me (makes baby sounds, imitating me when getting into an argument, saying FU, always high volume... things I've said for years now that I am not willing to tolerate). By trust and respect I mean I'm being suspected of cheating (I'm NOT, nor am I giving any reason. I work, I come home. I see a friend(s) perhaps once every two months or so, for one night, I don't come home super drunk or anything like that - EVER). That has made me feel very bad. But not a reason IMO to ... just you know, accept it. Take it like a man. Let it go.
But it has been more and more frequent now. These arguments are now when ever I say I want to communicate more (that actually results into an argument.. !) or something very small. It's not even deeds, it's words that leads to these things. It's not bad words, just ... communication of needs. AS in "I want more... x". X being normal stuff like closeness, hugs, you name it. That leads into an argument. After these, I have so far just taken it. Accept it like a man. Letting it go. I've been thinking every marriage is like that, men and women are different but complement each other, you need to pay a price of ... and if you start digging what you said, she said and so forth, you'll end up miserable. Go for solution, forgive, I'm probably an ******* every now and then as well. Would I love living with me every day? Probably not every day would I'd be really into me.
As of lately, I've been asking that she would talk about my cancer with me. We have never really talked about it. I have felt a bit depressed about it. But so far I've been letting it go. She's had rough time, her dad died of cancer some years ago so I figured she just needs time and it's really a shock to her as well. But after 3 years, she still does not want to talk with me about it. So I pressured her and insisted that I need to talk to someone, and that she needs to be there for me. I feel that I'm fighting this alone and I'm scared, I'm still OK but likely soon I'll be unable to be 100 % and it scares me I'm the only one doing research on my options. That I need help, I need company, I need back up, we need to be in this together! I mean ****, isn't it OBVIOUS?
She refused. I was shocked. So I went into detail explicitly saying that in this situation, I don't expect her to come up with a cure or to be the most diligent researcher. What I really need is a partner who talks with me, I have lots of fears and I have other feelings as well, I can't harbor them inside. Plus, she is my wife, we need to talk about this and not pretend it doesn't exist. Also, more to the point, I feel like this thing is somehow not validated even. Aside feeling that I'm fighting this alone and not getting enough support, also my situation is not even appreciated, denying the facts.
I should not be alone with my feelings and need to talk. Even if I had support group etc. to talk to, my wife needs to be one that I can at least say few words about this. She explicitly said she has no time or resources to talk about this subject matter. I'm still stunned.
I don't think a shock lasts 3 years. I've told her that she needs to overcome and fight with me. Yesterday, as she said she doesn't have time, she has to study, she has to take care of the kids, clean the house, etc. So... after all this she has no time or resources to talk to me about my cancer or how we can battle it. I'm literally alone with the disease.
I'm so scared about how she handled this, I mean... after 3 years since my diagnosis, this has been consistent (not talking about my disease at all, or recognizing it as something serious together, I know she knows it though). I need support... there's always something why she can't or won't. So say she wouldn't have to do anything, would she then be able to talk with me? I don't believe it anymore. I just don't... For the first time in my life, yesterday, I screamed at her at the top of my lounges, that I've had enough, that she hasn't even asked me what's up for .. I can't remember if she ever has. I noticed it as one friend asked me, who must be intimidated to ask it but he did, and actually he is a friend from work and we don't even actively get together. I realized that no one has followed up, no one ever asks, no one ever replies when I say that I'm in trouble or in need of support. I understand that I cannot expect strangers or friends to be polluted with this kind of negative news, it's not fair to expect they would ... what can they do? But my wife... and refuses to talk, or let me talk to her about my feelings and anxiety. Says she will not find out about the treatments and stuff because she has no time and it makes her anxious.
I keep thinking about... you know... why am I building the house for us. Would I be married to her if we didn't have kids or if I wasn't sick? No. Not for a minute longer. But let's be realistic. If we split, I will die alone. One could argue I'm alone now, but I would be even more alone then. Also, I don't want to go through an ugly divorce. I guarantee it would be ugly. She is not reasonable nor rational now, I can only expect it to be worse. She came into this relationship with nothing but debt, debt she still pays and doesn't pay back as we have together planned, taking more quick loans one after another and keeping it secret from me. To put it simply, it will be ugly because most everything comes from my end now. I came into this relationship without debt, but I didn't earn money either. She earned more, but now that I earn more, it's a 'unfair'. So... I mean we've been married less than a year, and the only thing she has said about that is that "she owns half" basically.
I'm not, however, too worried about that. THe disease, whatever. I'm really worried about the kids. I love them as any parent does, and am daily reminded of the painful future. Lately, I've had more negative thoughts because our relationship has been going downwards so fast. I'm worried that... I do not trust her ability to handle stuff when I die. I'm sorry, but I don't. I've tried to help her, I've urged her almost chronically to see her friends (so she wouldn't bug me for wanting to see my friends) so she would get that support network in order. She never goes out or sees her friends. I don't think she has any friends left, except for few that she never sees. And I don't wonder, because she never invites them or goes when invited. Never. She has tons of friends on Facebook, but the ones that come to you, help you when I die, not sure if one actually shows up. I've really tried to push her to this agenda, not saying of course what I mean by it... but she just doesn't do it. She can't handle money either, and will be left with a hefty loan from our house. I'm afraid she won't even fight for it, which she could, if she would just ****ing follow the game plan I came up with, I have said it "THIS IS THE PLAN THAT WILL GET YOU THE HOUSE WHEN I'M DEAD SO THIS IS VEEEERY IMPORTANT!!!". She can't keep up with it, at all, or get that it's not a daydreaming thing. It's a real thing. And I have to live now knowing that she says when I'm gone they will be in the house and get over it some day and life continues. But I know she will **** it up for sure (the game plan isn't actually easy so I wanted to start it now and teach her... to no avail. It ain't that difficult either, it's basically don't buy **** you don't need, don't use credit for stuff that isn't necessary, pay your debt, earn more if you want more, this is the minimum sum you pay every month, these are the things you do when you come up short with money, and here are the people you go to when I die for money, here is how you track your expenses SYSTEMATICALLY!!! and things you do when things don't add up, here's the things you'll negotiate with banks and here are the people of the bank who will help you as they are my coworkers). Not one thing is something she wants to even listen. Goes into blaablaablaa mode and will figure it out when the time comes.... Uh oh....
You know, why am I spending all my time and money to build a house so they will lose it? So, the first thing she will do is live some time in it until they ru nout of money (because can't handle money, can't monetize stuff I leave them with and TRIED to teach way ahead of time). .. so the only thing she will do is sell the house. I do not want her to sell the house. I am building it for the kids because when I die, the last breaeth I take I know my kids will live in that house I built, in that neighbourhood I grew up in, I know every corner and street, I know it's safe, I know they will grow up safe and great and everythign will go well. That is my ONLY wish in this life. And I'm sacrificing EVERYTHING to get this done, and even my dad is sacrificing everything he has. So she is getting everything me and my dad has. I would be OK WITH THAT if I knew she can handle it and if she at least loved me. Or pretended to love me, what ever, gave me support.
Now, since I got angry and depressed about not even wanting to talk to me or support me mentally.. ? I don't want to build the house. I feel like calling my dad up and say hey, let's forget about it. I'm after... I want to give everything to my kids. She will **** it up. She will sell the house. I want her not to sell the house, which is totally doable if she just got on with the program and listen and do this together, and I want that when I'm gone, when she gets a new man, that the man doesn't move into that house. I don't want to build this house and givbe everything me and my dad has and ever had to a situation where some dude comes in and takes over. I'm just not happy with that thought.
I want that the house stays, the kids get to grow in it and when the time comes, she will date and marry a new man but that they can visit each other and what ever but that guy doesn't get to have that place as his own. He can be there for sure, but he cannot own the place.
It's really ****ing dark, I know.. but oh, I needed legal advice? I want to see how I can make sure this goal is achieved, and how I can ensure she cannot sell the house when I'm dead and that all my funds to go my kids. That they will be realized in the form of the house for sure, but that she cannot sell it until the kids move out or are like 18 or so.
Otherwise I'm just a... I feel really bad but I'm a stepping stone to someone who doesn't love me, who came to take my family's everything and not even support me in this situation. I'm OK with that as long as the kids get what I want them to get (everything). What can I do? Sorry for the long and weird post but I'm really in a bad spot. I shouldn't have to deal with this kind of ****, I should be living as best as I can and have support and I don't know, just I don't have anyone to talk to, and my wife doesn't want to talk so I'm sort of... I don't know what to do. I need someone or something.
In my marriage not being trusted nor respected, I have found that I'm really anxious, frustrated and don't know how long I can take it anymore. After reasoning, saying that we need to communicate, she does not want to try. By trust and respect I mean the way she talks to me (makes baby sounds, imitating me when getting into an argument, saying FU, always high volume... things I've said for years now that I am not willing to tolerate). By trust and respect I mean I'm being suspected of cheating (I'm NOT, nor am I giving any reason. I work, I come home. I see a friend(s) perhaps once every two months or so, for one night, I don't come home super drunk or anything like that - EVER). That has made me feel very bad. But not a reason IMO to ... just you know, accept it. Take it like a man. Let it go.
But it has been more and more frequent now. These arguments are now when ever I say I want to communicate more (that actually results into an argument.. !) or something very small. It's not even deeds, it's words that leads to these things. It's not bad words, just ... communication of needs. AS in "I want more... x". X being normal stuff like closeness, hugs, you name it. That leads into an argument. After these, I have so far just taken it. Accept it like a man. Letting it go. I've been thinking every marriage is like that, men and women are different but complement each other, you need to pay a price of ... and if you start digging what you said, she said and so forth, you'll end up miserable. Go for solution, forgive, I'm probably an ******* every now and then as well. Would I love living with me every day? Probably not every day would I'd be really into me.
As of lately, I've been asking that she would talk about my cancer with me. We have never really talked about it. I have felt a bit depressed about it. But so far I've been letting it go. She's had rough time, her dad died of cancer some years ago so I figured she just needs time and it's really a shock to her as well. But after 3 years, she still does not want to talk with me about it. So I pressured her and insisted that I need to talk to someone, and that she needs to be there for me. I feel that I'm fighting this alone and I'm scared, I'm still OK but likely soon I'll be unable to be 100 % and it scares me I'm the only one doing research on my options. That I need help, I need company, I need back up, we need to be in this together! I mean ****, isn't it OBVIOUS?
She refused. I was shocked. So I went into detail explicitly saying that in this situation, I don't expect her to come up with a cure or to be the most diligent researcher. What I really need is a partner who talks with me, I have lots of fears and I have other feelings as well, I can't harbor them inside. Plus, she is my wife, we need to talk about this and not pretend it doesn't exist. Also, more to the point, I feel like this thing is somehow not validated even. Aside feeling that I'm fighting this alone and not getting enough support, also my situation is not even appreciated, denying the facts.
I should not be alone with my feelings and need to talk. Even if I had support group etc. to talk to, my wife needs to be one that I can at least say few words about this. She explicitly said she has no time or resources to talk about this subject matter. I'm still stunned.
I don't think a shock lasts 3 years. I've told her that she needs to overcome and fight with me. Yesterday, as she said she doesn't have time, she has to study, she has to take care of the kids, clean the house, etc. So... after all this she has no time or resources to talk to me about my cancer or how we can battle it. I'm literally alone with the disease.
I'm so scared about how she handled this, I mean... after 3 years since my diagnosis, this has been consistent (not talking about my disease at all, or recognizing it as something serious together, I know she knows it though). I need support... there's always something why she can't or won't. So say she wouldn't have to do anything, would she then be able to talk with me? I don't believe it anymore. I just don't... For the first time in my life, yesterday, I screamed at her at the top of my lounges, that I've had enough, that she hasn't even asked me what's up for .. I can't remember if she ever has. I noticed it as one friend asked me, who must be intimidated to ask it but he did, and actually he is a friend from work and we don't even actively get together. I realized that no one has followed up, no one ever asks, no one ever replies when I say that I'm in trouble or in need of support. I understand that I cannot expect strangers or friends to be polluted with this kind of negative news, it's not fair to expect they would ... what can they do? But my wife... and refuses to talk, or let me talk to her about my feelings and anxiety. Says she will not find out about the treatments and stuff because she has no time and it makes her anxious.
I keep thinking about... you know... why am I building the house for us. Would I be married to her if we didn't have kids or if I wasn't sick? No. Not for a minute longer. But let's be realistic. If we split, I will die alone. One could argue I'm alone now, but I would be even more alone then. Also, I don't want to go through an ugly divorce. I guarantee it would be ugly. She is not reasonable nor rational now, I can only expect it to be worse. She came into this relationship with nothing but debt, debt she still pays and doesn't pay back as we have together planned, taking more quick loans one after another and keeping it secret from me. To put it simply, it will be ugly because most everything comes from my end now. I came into this relationship without debt, but I didn't earn money either. She earned more, but now that I earn more, it's a 'unfair'. So... I mean we've been married less than a year, and the only thing she has said about that is that "she owns half" basically.
I'm not, however, too worried about that. THe disease, whatever. I'm really worried about the kids. I love them as any parent does, and am daily reminded of the painful future. Lately, I've had more negative thoughts because our relationship has been going downwards so fast. I'm worried that... I do not trust her ability to handle stuff when I die. I'm sorry, but I don't. I've tried to help her, I've urged her almost chronically to see her friends (so she wouldn't bug me for wanting to see my friends) so she would get that support network in order. She never goes out or sees her friends. I don't think she has any friends left, except for few that she never sees. And I don't wonder, because she never invites them or goes when invited. Never. She has tons of friends on Facebook, but the ones that come to you, help you when I die, not sure if one actually shows up. I've really tried to push her to this agenda, not saying of course what I mean by it... but she just doesn't do it. She can't handle money either, and will be left with a hefty loan from our house. I'm afraid she won't even fight for it, which she could, if she would just ****ing follow the game plan I came up with, I have said it "THIS IS THE PLAN THAT WILL GET YOU THE HOUSE WHEN I'M DEAD SO THIS IS VEEEERY IMPORTANT!!!". She can't keep up with it, at all, or get that it's not a daydreaming thing. It's a real thing. And I have to live now knowing that she says when I'm gone they will be in the house and get over it some day and life continues. But I know she will **** it up for sure (the game plan isn't actually easy so I wanted to start it now and teach her... to no avail. It ain't that difficult either, it's basically don't buy **** you don't need, don't use credit for stuff that isn't necessary, pay your debt, earn more if you want more, this is the minimum sum you pay every month, these are the things you do when you come up short with money, and here are the people you go to when I die for money, here is how you track your expenses SYSTEMATICALLY!!! and things you do when things don't add up, here's the things you'll negotiate with banks and here are the people of the bank who will help you as they are my coworkers). Not one thing is something she wants to even listen. Goes into blaablaablaa mode and will figure it out when the time comes.... Uh oh....
You know, why am I spending all my time and money to build a house so they will lose it? So, the first thing she will do is live some time in it until they ru nout of money (because can't handle money, can't monetize stuff I leave them with and TRIED to teach way ahead of time). .. so the only thing she will do is sell the house. I do not want her to sell the house. I am building it for the kids because when I die, the last breaeth I take I know my kids will live in that house I built, in that neighbourhood I grew up in, I know every corner and street, I know it's safe, I know they will grow up safe and great and everythign will go well. That is my ONLY wish in this life. And I'm sacrificing EVERYTHING to get this done, and even my dad is sacrificing everything he has. So she is getting everything me and my dad has. I would be OK WITH THAT if I knew she can handle it and if she at least loved me. Or pretended to love me, what ever, gave me support.
Now, since I got angry and depressed about not even wanting to talk to me or support me mentally.. ? I don't want to build the house. I feel like calling my dad up and say hey, let's forget about it. I'm after... I want to give everything to my kids. She will **** it up. She will sell the house. I want her not to sell the house, which is totally doable if she just got on with the program and listen and do this together, and I want that when I'm gone, when she gets a new man, that the man doesn't move into that house. I don't want to build this house and givbe everything me and my dad has and ever had to a situation where some dude comes in and takes over. I'm just not happy with that thought.
I want that the house stays, the kids get to grow in it and when the time comes, she will date and marry a new man but that they can visit each other and what ever but that guy doesn't get to have that place as his own. He can be there for sure, but he cannot own the place.
It's really ****ing dark, I know.. but oh, I needed legal advice? I want to see how I can make sure this goal is achieved, and how I can ensure she cannot sell the house when I'm dead and that all my funds to go my kids. That they will be realized in the form of the house for sure, but that she cannot sell it until the kids move out or are like 18 or so.
Otherwise I'm just a... I feel really bad but I'm a stepping stone to someone who doesn't love me, who came to take my family's everything and not even support me in this situation. I'm OK with that as long as the kids get what I want them to get (everything). What can I do? Sorry for the long and weird post but I'm really in a bad spot. I shouldn't have to deal with this kind of ****, I should be living as best as I can and have support and I don't know, just I don't have anyone to talk to, and my wife doesn't want to talk so I'm sort of... I don't know what to do. I need someone or something.
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