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English speakers: would you please proof read this motivation letter?

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  • #16
    Okay, here's my butchery; don't feel obligated to take any of my advice, and don't take it personally, but I wanna tighten this ***** up. My notes are in brackets.


    Dear Mrs,

    I would like to express my great interest in teaching philosophy at your school. I learned a great deal from a foreign student exchange during my undergraduate studies, and would like to help today's young people deepen their understanding of the world and their place in it.

    I am going through the final stages of a M.A. in Philosophy at the University of Montreal, to be completed this spring. In addition, I spent part [or all, or however much] of the past year teaching Latin to high school students. The pleasure of that experience, and the skills I obtained from it, have only strengthened my eagerness to teach. Introducing young adults [you said K-12, are you sure you want "young adults?"] to philosophy now seems a natural next step.

    While Latin has been called a dead tongue, I very much enjoyed bringing it to life again in a modern classroom. I anticipate the same fruitful, rewarding experience from introducing young men and women to the great works and milestones of Western [or Eastern, or whatever] thought.

    Sincerely yours,


    Okay, in some spots I uprooted whole sentences and jammed in new ones. I went in there with a hatchet, but tried to stick to conveying your original ideas. I hope you can use some of that.

    EDIT: Al's version is more concise still. Which version is preferable depends on how much our mystery Mrs. likes it fancy.
    1011 1100
    Pyrebound--a free online serial fantasy novel

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    • #17


      That sounds so much more English. I'll definitely be using your advice.

      Thanks to Albert too.
      In Soviet Russia, Fake borises YOU.

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      • #18
        It's for a job so clear-cut, concise and to the point.

        Take this sentence of yours, Elok... "I am going through the final stages of a M.A blah blah blah, to be completed this spring'... you don't see what's wrong with that? blah blah, to be completed. That sounds like efficient language to you? Compare it to my "I expect to complete my Masters' studies in Philosophy at the University of Montreal this spring." Come on, English major, which one is efficient language?
        "Flutie was better than Kelly, Elway, Esiason and Cunningham." - Ben Kenobi
        "I have nothing against Wilson, but he's nowhere near the same calibre of QB as Flutie. Flutie threw for 5k+ yards in the CFL." -Ben Kenobi

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        • #19
          Originally posted by Oncle Boris View Post


          That sounds so much more English. I'll definitely be using your advice.

          Thanks to Albert too.

          Whatever man. I know better than Elok. This is for a job so the woman doesn't want to sift through a freaking essay with flowery language. I gave you standard American business writing. I guess **** me.

          Not like I haven't been writing people's law school personal statements for some time now...
          "Flutie was better than Kelly, Elway, Esiason and Cunningham." - Ben Kenobi
          "I have nothing against Wilson, but he's nowhere near the same calibre of QB as Flutie. Flutie threw for 5k+ yards in the CFL." -Ben Kenobi

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          • #20
            Efficient is not necessarily desirable. Some people like it a little fluffy. Like I said, yours may be better. You sure like picking fights over some piddly-ass things, you know that?

            Also, I was trying to preserve at least some of OB's original written "voice."
            1011 1100
            Pyrebound--a free online serial fantasy novel

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            • #21
              Elok: I say young adults because they're doing a mandatory prep year before college (i.e. grade "13").
              In Soviet Russia, Fake borises YOU.

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              • #22
                And you're teaching only that grade? Your introduction made it sound like you'd be teaching a range of students.
                1011 1100
                Pyrebound--a free online serial fantasy novel

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                • #23
                  Originally posted by Al B. Sure! View Post
                  Whatever man. I know better than Elok. This is for a job so the woman doesn't want to sift through a freaking essay with flowery language. I gave you standard American business writing. I guess **** me.

                  Not like I haven't been writing people's law school personal statements for some time now...


                  Take it easy. Your rewording has shown me the way. Though in the end, Elok has preserved some of my natural French snobbiness, which is great.

                  Bear in mind philosophy is not law, some wordiness is good.
                  In Soviet Russia, Fake borises YOU.

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                  • #24
                    Originally posted by Elok View Post
                    And you're teaching only that grade? Your introduction made it sound like you'd be teaching a range of students.
                    I would be teaching several classes of that grade.
                    In Soviet Russia, Fake borises YOU.

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                    • #25
                      The people that are hiring you probably speak worse English than you. Then again, you're from Montreal.

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                      • #26
                        It depends on the school, really. If it's one of those International Schools or institutos or whatever--and I can't see ghetto schools teaching college prep philosophy--the principal could very well talk like the Queen of England.
                        1011 1100
                        Pyrebound--a free online serial fantasy novel

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                        • #27
                          Originally posted by Al B. Sure! View Post
                          Whatever man. I know better than Elok. This is for a job so the woman doesn't want to sift through a freaking essay with flowery language. I gave you standard American business writing. I guess **** me.

                          Not like I haven't been writing people's law school personal statements for some time now...
                          To be fair, I haven't really done business writing. I just tried to slim down the letter while still preserving most of OB's original flavor. It was a balancing act. Again, yours may actually be better, but there's so much I don't know here.
                          1011 1100
                          Pyrebound--a free online serial fantasy novel

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                          • #28
                            I don't have the time, too much to sort out.

                            Dear Mrs is not a suitable greeting for a formal letter.

                            I am honored today to write you in order to express my great interest in... sounds a bit overboard.

                            Well let me have a look when I've had a good nights sleep and I will make this perfect
                            Speaking of Erith:

                            "It's not twinned with anywhere, but it does have a suicide pact with Dagenham" - Linda Smith

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                            • #29
                              Originally posted by Provost Harrison View Post
                              I don't have the time, too much to sort out.

                              Dear Mrs is not a suitable greeting for a formal letter.

                              I am honored today to write you in order to express my great interest in... sounds a bit overboard.

                              Well let me have a look when I've had a good nights sleep and I will make this perfect
                              Good! but some corrections have been proposed already, read them before you waste time making the same point.
                              In Soviet Russia, Fake borises YOU.

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                              • #30
                                Looks like there are plenty of cooks in the kitchen; I'll check in Sat/Sun to see what's transpired.
                                Apolyton's Grim Reaper 2008, 2010 & 2011
                                RIP lest we forget... SG (2) and LaFayette -- Civ2 Succession Games Brothers-in-Arms

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