English speakers: would you please proof read this motivation letter?

[Fake Boris]

I am applying for a teaching job in Mexico (teaching philosophy in English to Mexicans preparing for college, age K12+1).

I would be thankful if native speakers could proof read my letter, especially when it comes to the expected formal phrases. Feel free to toss in other comments if you think it's a good idea.

Dear Mrs,

I am honored today to write you in order to express my great interest in teaching philosophy at your school. Having benefitted myself from a foreign student exchange during my undergraduate studies, I am thrilled at the prospect of helping young people improve their awareness to the world, this time from the other side of a teacher’s desk.

Right now I am going through the final stages of a M.A. in Philosophy at the University of Montreal, which will be completed this spring. But my eagerness to share what I have learned in the course of my degree does not only stem from my theoretical studies. I have had, this year, the great pleasure of teaching Latin at the high school level while working on my degree. The enjoyment I’ve had from this experience, and the resulting skills I have acquired, have only strengthened my eagerness to pursue the teacher’s vocation. Introducing young adults to philosophy now seems a natural extension of the path I have already set.

There is nothing like the broadened eyes of a young person to bring back to life a language whose heyday is but a distant memory. I am looking forward to achieving the same effect when relaying the greatest works that have shaped human history, so that past ideas are seeded anew into the bright future of young men and women.

Sincerely yours,

[Wezil]

"heyday" bothers me.

[Fake Boris]

Why? Would you change the whole sentence or just replace it with a better word?

Edit: Like it has a negative connotation, and I just should do without that in a motivation letter?

[Wezil]

TBH, I can't really say.

There is nothing "wrong" with it but it just appears awkward to me. Used in speech I wouldn't have an issue but it just doesn't work for me in a letter. I would re-write that sentence (or use a synonym) but that's just me.

[Wezil]

Disclaimer: You should never rely on writing advice from Wezil.

Look for confirmation before changing a thing.

[Fake Boris]

It's okay, there's a few days left before deadline.

[Elok]

I don't have a problem with "heyday." It's an old-fashioned word, I suppose, but that's not necessarily undesirable. Some of the constructions you used in that letter, while grammatically sound, are awkward. For example, in the second sentence of the second paragraph, "does not only stem" sounds a little off. Generally, your style is a little more...extended, I suppose, than what I'd use, even for a formal letter. I like to keep things tight (when I'm not rattling off sloppy and ill-thought arguments on the intertubes). But, again, I'm not sure that lengthy prose isn't desirable for your audience here. Academia's full of people who couldn't be concise to save their lives, or who simply like to talk a lot, in my experience.

The broadened eyes of a young person bringing a dead language back to life doesn't work for me. I get what you mean, but it introduces the nonsensical image of somebody talking or listening with his/her eyeballs. I'd work on that. But maybe that's just me.

[Felch]

Dear Mrs,

I am honored today to write you in order to express my great interest in teaching philosophy at your school. Having benefitted myself from a foreign student exchange during my undergraduate studies, I am thrilled at the prospect of helping young people improve their awareness to the world, this time from the other side of a teacher’s desk.

Right now I am going through the final stages of a M.A. in Philosophy at the University of Montreal, which will be completed I will complete this spring. But my eagerness to share what I have learned in the course of my degree does not only stem from my theoretical studies. I have had, this year, This year, I have had the great pleasure of teaching Latin at the high school level while working on my degree. The enjoyment I have had from this experience, and the resulting skills I have acquired, have only strengthened my eagerness to pursue the teacher’s vocation. Introducing young adults to philosophy now seems a natural extension of the path I have already set.

There is nothing like the broadened eyes of a young person to bring back to life a language whose heyday is but a distant memory. I am looking forward to achieving the same effect when relaying the greatest works that have shaped human history, so that past ideas are seeded anew into the bright future of young men and women.

Sincerely yours,

***

"Myself" makes that sentence a bit clunky, especially since it's clear that you're talking about yourself.

I think that the active voice is better than the passive in general, and switching "this year" with "I have had" makes it flow a little better.

Contractions aren't always a problem, but if it's supposed to be formal then you should avoid them. It might be better to include them if you're trying to show a casual familiarity with English, but that's something you know better than I do.

"Heyday" doesn't really bother me, it's a little old fashioned but it's appropriate. The phrase "broadened eyes" is kind of odd though. Usually, eyes are opened or horizons are broadened. Those are trite clichés though, so you might be onto something.

[Fake Boris]

Thanks Elok and Felch.

Wordiness is a trait of the French language, this could be my origins transpiring here (more than my filosofical instruction).

[MOBIUS]

I don't like it. Can't quite put my finger on it, however the language is too er, florid, for my liking and smacks of being overly ingratiating in an irritating way.

Oh and you spelled 'honoured' wrong...

[Fake Boris]

Point taken. It is my understanding that English communication is usually more straightforward than what is standard in French. But the people hiring are Mexican... Not sure what they expect.

[Wezil]

Felch's advice (actual example of Elok's critique) is very good.

I like those edits.

[Elok]

I figured it was okay to be a wee bit kiss-assy in a letter, but then I just jumped straight to the letter without looking at OB's introduction, stupid me. If this is to a Mexican school (ie, you'll be teaching to students who know English as a second language), extreme wordiness and archaic constructions could work against you. OTOH, I'm reluctant to say you should simplify it totally, that could seem condescending or make you look like an idiot if whoever reads it is perfectly fluent in English...hmm. I would give heyday the axe.

[Wezil]

That's why I think it would be okay in speech at an interview. I just don't like the written use.

[Al B. Sure!]

Okay I'm rewriting this. Don't worry. I know what I'm doing

Ignore Felch's. He kept too much of the fluff.


Dear Mrs,

I am honored to write you to express my great interest in teaching philosophy at your school. Because I benefited from a foreign student exchange program during my undergraduate studies, I am thrilled at the prospect of helping young people improve their awareness of the world.

I expect to complete my Masters' studies in Philosophy at the University of Montreal this spring. During the course of my education, I was fortunate to have the opportunity to teach Latin at the high school level. My enjoyment of this experience and the skills I acquired have strengthened my eagerness to pursue teaching. I look forward to introducing the greatest works of philosophy to the young men and women at your school.

Thank you for your consideration,