Recognizing love [serious]

[Elok]

Yeah, I probably could have thought of a better thread title, but I didn't feel like expending the mental effort.

This is sort of a continuation of Kitschum's "How did you meet whomever you're with" thread from a little while ago, with a twist: for all of you married polytubbies, or in committed long-term relationships of whatever orientation, how did you know you were actually in love? Serious answers, nothing along the lines of "when Lancer told me she was on sale," or YouTube links to that bit from "Enchanted."

For me, it was basically the first time in my life when Asperger's made a social situation distinctly easier. Normally, while I can enjoy conversations with people a great deal, there is almost always an element of mental effort and subsequent fatigue. I can only go for so long before I burn out from the constant subtle calculations, and when I do it's often pretty embarrassing. This holds true even with close family. With my wife, however, I almost immediately entered a weird, previously unknown state in which I could be completely and totally natural, with no effort at all, for an indefinite period of time. I told her, "honey, I say this as an immense compliment: being with you is like being alone." She laughed, but on reflection said she knew what I meant.

But then, I'm a weirdo, which is partly why I'm curious. How do people know love in the mainstream?

[Jon Miller]

Just romantic, or other types of love too?

JM

[Jon Miller]

Just romantic, or other types of love too?

JM

[self biased]

When I realized that I could stop looking for someone to be content with for the rest of my days.

[SlowwHand]

Elok, that's fantastic. In all ways. How you feel, and having your wife understand. Congrats, bud.


As for me, I didn't know until she was gone.

[ricketyclik]

Just romantic, or other types of love too?

JM

This is a major point in long term relationships. In my case lust was immediate, and lasted for about a year before beginning its long, slow decline. It still exists, but is episodic, and the episodes get further and further apart.

After the initial novelty of the relationship wore off and lust was not frequent enough to keep me keen, doubt and discontent set in. I was constantly wondering about other women and whether I'd be better off with them or not, or whether I'd just be better off alone. That began at about the 1 year mark, probably earlier, built up to a peak at about the 12 year mark, and has been on the wane ever since, as long-term deep friendship, trust and understanding - both of myself and my partner, and the dynamics of relationships - have taken the position of the dominant forces in our relationship.

It's a good place to be, but I've gotta say it was mainly luck that got us through to this point, and who's to say what might happen in the future.

Your relationship sounds great Elok, a rare find. My (unsolicited, I know) advice to you is to remember that what is said can't be unsaid, and that the way you feel right now might not be the way you feel later, so always try to tread lightly and carefully.

[Wezil]

Serious answers, nothing along the lines of "when Lancer told me she was on sale," or YouTube links to that bit from "Enchanted."

I had a good one.

[Guynemer]

Better than "when Lancer told me she was on sale"? I doubt that.

[Elok]

Just romantic, or other types of love too?

JM

Well, what else you got?

[self biased]

As for me, I didn't know until she was gone.

that too.

[Ben Kenobi]

Elok, just go with the flow.

Love is just that, love. Nothing more or less to it.

[Elok]

Better than "when Lancer told me she was on sale"? I doubt that.

Still waiting to hear your story, Guy.

[Elok]

Your relationship sounds great Elok, a rare find. My (unsolicited, I know) advice to you is to remember that what is said can't be unsaid, and that the way you feel right now might not be the way you feel later, so always try to tread lightly and carefully.

Hey, advice doesn't hurt. What I find helps is making time to talk over our disagreements, no matter how much we don't want to, until they're resolved. We approach it with the attitude of "Okay, what's our plan of action here?" It probably helps that we're both nerds.

[Guynemer]

I don't know if there was one moment.

We connected on match.com, talked on the phone a few times, and then had our first date. Somehow it came up that she enjoyed Adult Swim and violent videogames, and it just sort of went from there. After the date, walking back to my car, I thought, "yeah, definitely gonna have to call her for another date." Just grew organically from there, I suppose.


Also, when Lancer told me she was on sale, that sealed the deal.

[Ben Kenobi]

Lancer told me she was on sale, that sealed the deal.