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Women say some real gems sometimes, don't they? I'm sure we all have unique and ridiculous lists about the funniest and/or stupidest and/or sluttiest **** they have said, so I'm going to post mine. Women, feel free to post a reciprocal list about men, as we can be just as stupid. Well, most men. Not me. Unless I've been drinking.
By the way, none of these are made up. They have all been said to me in some form or another. You can feel free to make up whatever you want, so long as it's funny. If it's obviously made up and not funny, I will mock you mercilessly until I'm banned.
10)"We are absolutely NOT having sex tonight."
I can tell you that without a doubt, this is the surest sign that you will be getting laid on the night this is said to you. If a girl gives you a private striptease at your place while sucking down straight vodka and watching porn, you are less likely to get laid than if the above line is said to you. There is literally not one time this has been said to me, and sex did not ensue later that night. You might ask, why is this only the 10th best line? Well, because it's so damn common. In fact, the only way it's on my top 10 list is because anything that automatically leads to sex must be pretty good.
9)"What book are you reading?"
A little background. I often kill entire days by reading books in bars. A little nerdy, I know, and it doesn't always get me laid. Then again, that isn't the point. The point is for me to have a good time, kill some hours, and get drunk. Anything else is bonus. That said, if a (cute) woman actually disturbs someone reading a book at a bar for any purpose other than mocking them, odds are that she's a desperate slut and WILL be giving you some action that night if you have any game at all.
8)"Let me get this round."
I love free drinks. The only thing I love more than free drinks is having girls buy them for me. One caveat, sometimes, letting girls buy you stuff can lead to "friends zone", and you must be careful to avoid this. On the other hand, sometimes they are rich, ugly, and/or too old, and you'd far rather allow them to buy you 10 vodka shots than go home with them. Even though the two aren't mutually exclusive, at least not in the situation I'm alluding too. I did allow her to walk me to my car and go down on my in the parking lot, followed by me giving her a fake number. Yes, I'm a bad person.
7)"I'll pick up dinner tonight."
This in response to you saying something along the lines of "I dunno, I'd rather just order a pizza and drink beer at home." She's obviously desperate for a date, and even if this doesn't lead to sex, she just gave you license to order whatever you want and get supremely ****canned - for free. She also might be doing this because she cares about you, and if you care about her as well, I don't recommend the above approach. For that matter, if you care about the person, ignore everything I'm saying in this post.
6)"I don't know if I can drive. Can you drive my car home? I'll pay for a cab back for you."
To recap, you met me 3 hours ago, I've been drinking more than you, you haven't even thrown up yet (although I probably have), we're at a bar, and you want me to drive your car home. Why yes, I can. You can even pay my cab fare in the morning, after you cook me breakfast, although frankly I'd be happier if you just drove me home rather than worrying about the cab. Bonus points if you get her to take you home the same night. Double bonus points if she makes you breakfast that same night.
5)"I never do this."
Yes you do. Slut. And you're great at it, aren't you?
4)(related to #6) "My friend just said she's ready to leave, and she's driving. I want to stay and hang out. What do you think I should do?"
Obvious answer - stay out with me, you can crash at my place after we have sex.
3)(said in public) "I really want to go down on you right now."
Some background, this was actually said to me in London after I left the club with a girl, but we couldn't go back to either of our hotel rooms because we were sharing them with family members. I'm serious, I can't even make some of this **** up. Anyway, this leads into my "David Has Sex - On TV" story, which maybe I'll tell later. Let's just say it started in an alley and ended with security guards applauding, and leave it at that.
2)(said to a friend and I in a bar) "Yeah, my friend and I just got in from out of town for business, and we heard Austin is fun. Can you guys take us around a few places?"
Well that depends, can we end up in your hotel room later? Actually, that's a rhetorical question, we already know what's going to happen. Yes, you can hang out with us for the night.
And finally, my personal, all time favorite, said to me less than 2 weeks ago...
1)"Oh my God, will you **** my friend, too?"
This was actually said to me during sex. To date, I still have not ****ed the friend, but I have seen the other woman out more than once, and am very sure that if I get desperate, I can indeed sleep with her friend.
By the way, none of these are made up. They have all been said to me in some form or another. You can feel free to make up whatever you want, so long as it's funny. If it's obviously made up and not funny, I will mock you mercilessly until I'm banned.
10)"We are absolutely NOT having sex tonight."
I can tell you that without a doubt, this is the surest sign that you will be getting laid on the night this is said to you. If a girl gives you a private striptease at your place while sucking down straight vodka and watching porn, you are less likely to get laid than if the above line is said to you. There is literally not one time this has been said to me, and sex did not ensue later that night. You might ask, why is this only the 10th best line? Well, because it's so damn common. In fact, the only way it's on my top 10 list is because anything that automatically leads to sex must be pretty good.
9)"What book are you reading?"
A little background. I often kill entire days by reading books in bars. A little nerdy, I know, and it doesn't always get me laid. Then again, that isn't the point. The point is for me to have a good time, kill some hours, and get drunk. Anything else is bonus. That said, if a (cute) woman actually disturbs someone reading a book at a bar for any purpose other than mocking them, odds are that she's a desperate slut and WILL be giving you some action that night if you have any game at all.
8)"Let me get this round."
I love free drinks. The only thing I love more than free drinks is having girls buy them for me. One caveat, sometimes, letting girls buy you stuff can lead to "friends zone", and you must be careful to avoid this. On the other hand, sometimes they are rich, ugly, and/or too old, and you'd far rather allow them to buy you 10 vodka shots than go home with them. Even though the two aren't mutually exclusive, at least not in the situation I'm alluding too. I did allow her to walk me to my car and go down on my in the parking lot, followed by me giving her a fake number. Yes, I'm a bad person.
7)"I'll pick up dinner tonight."
This in response to you saying something along the lines of "I dunno, I'd rather just order a pizza and drink beer at home." She's obviously desperate for a date, and even if this doesn't lead to sex, she just gave you license to order whatever you want and get supremely ****canned - for free. She also might be doing this because she cares about you, and if you care about her as well, I don't recommend the above approach. For that matter, if you care about the person, ignore everything I'm saying in this post.
6)"I don't know if I can drive. Can you drive my car home? I'll pay for a cab back for you."
To recap, you met me 3 hours ago, I've been drinking more than you, you haven't even thrown up yet (although I probably have), we're at a bar, and you want me to drive your car home. Why yes, I can. You can even pay my cab fare in the morning, after you cook me breakfast, although frankly I'd be happier if you just drove me home rather than worrying about the cab. Bonus points if you get her to take you home the same night. Double bonus points if she makes you breakfast that same night.
5)"I never do this."
Yes you do. Slut. And you're great at it, aren't you?
4)(related to #6) "My friend just said she's ready to leave, and she's driving. I want to stay and hang out. What do you think I should do?"
Obvious answer - stay out with me, you can crash at my place after we have sex.
3)(said in public) "I really want to go down on you right now."
Some background, this was actually said to me in London after I left the club with a girl, but we couldn't go back to either of our hotel rooms because we were sharing them with family members. I'm serious, I can't even make some of this **** up. Anyway, this leads into my "David Has Sex - On TV" story, which maybe I'll tell later. Let's just say it started in an alley and ended with security guards applauding, and leave it at that.
2)(said to a friend and I in a bar) "Yeah, my friend and I just got in from out of town for business, and we heard Austin is fun. Can you guys take us around a few places?"
Well that depends, can we end up in your hotel room later? Actually, that's a rhetorical question, we already know what's going to happen. Yes, you can hang out with us for the night.
And finally, my personal, all time favorite, said to me less than 2 weeks ago...
1)"Oh my God, will you **** my friend, too?"
This was actually said to me during sex. To date, I still have not ****ed the friend, but I have seen the other woman out more than once, and am very sure that if I get desperate, I can indeed sleep with her friend.
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