I love the smell of desperation in the morning

[Lorizael]

Curiously enough, you're not the first to express such a desire. Anyways, hope things get better and all that.

[Pekka]

On Loneliness

Loneliness is not when you are physically alone. Loneliness is when you have no human contact, including yourself. Loneliness is when you ask yourself the question of, ”who am I?”. As you reflect yourself with the help of others, the others define you. The others are the environment, the social construction of communication of thoughts and feelings and what is known as social reality. When you are left out of it, it becomes increasingly difficult to reflect upon one self. Even when you have all the information about yourself, it becomes more and more difficult to access the inner self after a while. Soon you will struggle to define yourself as a person.

When reflection becomes impossible, it is also impossible to concentrate. It is impossible to think. It is impossible to feel. To give you an example, it is possible to have thoughts when you look another person in the eyes, however, when you look at yourself in the mirror, staring your own eyes, you get lost and start to wander. You might get confused, however, you do not see deep in yourself as you would see looking at another person. This is why it is important to look people in the eyes, because when you lose the luxury of it, you become homeless inside of yourself in the process. Perhaps it is because the eyes never age. As your body gets older, your eyes stays the same, thus a sort of truth is embedded in them. It is the core of a person.

Loneliness, when taken too far, is the manifestation of abandoned self. You become a body of the evicted ones. That is to say when no one looks you in the eyes for a long enough time, you do not exist anymore. It is like trying to remember a familiar face, focusing and sharpening the image, and just when you’re about to get it, it goes away. When you try to image yourself, you do even worse. The image of the self is less focused than of the other. When the image of the other disappears from your memory, the image of yourself is long gone.

When you have no experiences of other people in weeks or months, you have no experiences at all. Thus time loses its meaning. It all becomes a big blur. Time indicates space, thus when time stops for you, there is no space either. You live in a virtual vacuum. Your thoughts disappear, as you have nothing to think about. The last person you have seen or communicated with face to face is a distant memory that has already blurred as well. Thus reality has become just a big blur where no time or space can exist. That is why loneliness is the question of, ”who am I?”

[Pekka]

On Hiding

It is often said that you can't hide from yourself. This statement is quite true, but it indicates you are in touch with yourself. As in you are making a conscious decision to hide from yourself. If you can't find yourself, then you cannot undo it anymore. In other words you are not hiding from yourself, you are no more. You are not to be found even if you try.

I often wonder why this is so. What is the exact construction of the mind? Is it the messages that travel within the network of the brain, creating new paths, rerouting through experiences and strengthening some routes, ever changing and evolving? In what section of the brain does the soul exist and if you lose it, how do you get it back? If it is hiding, why is it hiding from the self? Can the two become separated and if so, doesn't that equal non-existance or death in the sense of mentality?