letter to America

[DinoDoc]

Originally posted by Dauphin

You have been at the Olympics before in soccer

When was there a team GB represented?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Football_at_the_Summer_Olympics#British_successes

[Dauphin]

So they were disbanded over 30 years ago then. Prior to that they won it 3 times and only played 8 games?

Impressive.

[DinoDoc]

Yes. We seem to be better at your sport than you Brits are.

[Kidlicious]

I think Italian is the only good European food.

[Dauphin]

That's why the USA came bottom of their group at the last World Cup and England came top.

Australia only lost the Championship because the Italians cheated.

[Will9]

Re: letter to America

Originally posted by OneFootInTheGrave

http://starrgazr.wordpress.com/2008/02/15/john-cleeses-letter-to-america/

In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”

3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”,
but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will
be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called “Come-Uppance Day.”

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables… Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) - roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ear removed with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one kind of proper football; you call it “soccer”. Those of you brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
bunch of Jessies - English slang for “Big Girls Blouse”).

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

we should have done it sooner

I have some coments before you come, although first I would like to say "I will laugh when we crush your fleet before it even leaves to send your pathetic army here."

1. I would love to look both up, but Webster's is so much better.

2. I'm sorry, but that U is useless.

3. We would love for you to explain how you get "ra" out of "gh"

4. You can feel to try and teach Appalachians "proper" English. We will laugh at you for even trying something so impossible.

5. Get your Commie hands off our companies

6. We like having an unchanging national anthem

7. Isn't 11-2 (that is November 2nd BTW) Guy Fawkes Night or something over there? We already have halloween, so no thanks.

8&9. Feel free to try and guns off our streets if you are feeling suicidal enough.

10. Sorry, but we want to keep what jobs we still have in Michigan

11. Petrol is just a short form of Petroleum which is what is drilled out of the ground and later refined into many products including gasoline. We will not pay your prices for a product you incorrectly label as "unrefined."

12. Traffic circles make nice city centers, but otherwise take up too much space. Last time I checked it took ages of battles with the EU in order for you to keep your system. We like your system better for once.

13. We invented chips, we decide what to call them.

14. As strange as may seem, we like nice waiters and waitresses

15. *Will points to the American beers that have won German and Belgian beer contests*

16. British people make much better bad guys.

17. Do you know why football players where all the pading? The game would have been banned if measures to ruduce deaths weren't taken.

18. Try reading the names of all 30 MLB teams.

19. We can't tell you, but feel free to read for yourself

20. We will greet them same way we greeted the first ones you sent over here.

P.S. Thank you for not considering taking our dentists away

[Kuciwalker]

In 1814 we took a little trip,
Along with Colonel Jackson down the mighty Mississipi.
We took a little bacon and we took a little beans,
And we fought the bloody British in the town of new orleans.

We fired our guns and the British kept a comin’,
There wasn’t ’bout as many as there was awhile ago.
We fired once more and they began to runnin’
On down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico.

Oh we looked down the river and we seen the British come.
There must have been a hundred of ’em beatin’ on a drum.
They stepped so high and they made their bugles ring.
We stood behind our cotton bales and didn't say a thing.

Old hickory said we could take ’em by surprise,
If we didn't fire our muskets till we looked ’em in the eyes.
We held our fire till we seen their faces well,
Then we opened up our squirrel guns and gave ’em hell.

....fired our guns and the British kept a comin’,
There wasn’t ’bout as many as there was awhile ago.
We fired once more and they began to runnin’
On down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico.

We fired our cannons till the barrels melted down,
Then we grabbed an alligator and we fired another round.
We filled his head with cannonballs and powdered his behind,
And when we touched the powder off, the gator lost his mind.

We fired our guns and the British kept a comin’,
There wasn’t ’bout as many as there was awhile ago.
We fired once more and they began to runnin’
On down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico.

We fired our guns and the British kept a comin’,
There wasn’t ’bout as many as there was awhile ago.
We fired once more and they began to runnin’
On down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico.

[Ben Kenobi]

Rule Britannia.

That's an excellent point. It would make a good anthem.

When Britain first, at Heaven's command
Arose from out the azure main;
This was the charter of the land,
And guardian angels sung this strain:
"Rule, Britannia! rule the waves:
"Britons never will be slaves."

The nations, not so blest as thee,
Must, in their turns, to tyrants fall;
While thou shalt flourish great and free,
The dread and envy of them all.
"Rule, Britannia! rule the waves:
"Britons never will be slaves."

Still more majestic shalt thou rise,
More dreadful, from each foreign stroke;
As the loud blast that tears the skies,
Serves but to root thy native oak.
"Rule, Britannia! rule the waves:
"Britons never will be slaves."

Thee haughty tyrants ne'er shall tame:
All their attempts to bend thee down,
Will but arouse thy generous flame;
But work their woe, and thy renown.
"Rule, Britannia! rule the waves:
"Britons never will be slaves."

To thee belongs the rural reign;
Thy cities shall with commerce shine:
All thine shall be the subject main,
And every shore it circles thine.
"Rule, Britannia! rule the waves:
"Britons never will be slaves."

The Muses, still with freedom found,
Shall to thy happy coast repair;
Blest Isle! With matchless beauty crown'd,
And manly hearts to guard the fair.
"Rule, Britannia! rule the waves:
"Britons never will be slaves."

[Dauphin]

Land of Hope and Glory is to an extent the English National Anthem.

Dear Land of Hope, thy hope is crowned.
God make thee mightier yet!
On Sov'reign brows, beloved, renowned,
Once more thy crown is set.
Thine equal laws, by Freedom gained,
Have ruled thee well and long;
By Freedom gained, by Truth maintained,
Thine Empire shall be strong.
Land of Hope and Glory,
Mother of the Free,
How shall we extol thee,
Who are born of thee?
Wider still and wider
Shall thy bounds be set;
God, who made thee mighty,
Make thee mightier yet
God, who made thee mighty,
Make thee mightier yet.
Thy fame is ancient as the days,
As Ocean large and wide
A pride that dares, and heeds not praise,
A stern and silent pride
Not that false joy that dreams content
With what our sires have won;
The blood a hero sire hath spent
Still nerves a hero son.



I also like Jerusalem.

[Patroklos]

What are the only cars ****tier than American cars?

British cars.

[Wezil]

I'm not so sure. The Lada was an incredible piece of ****.

[Elok]

At least they updated it to say Gordon Brown instead of Tony Blair. And they're no longer slandering John Cleese by attributing this crap "humor" to him.

[DinoDoc]

The link still attributes it to Cleese.

[Saras]

The American response is, to put it mildly, lame.

[DinoDoc]

The rose to the challenge put foward by the lame Brit "attack."