After a year and a half, estranged from my best friend

[Darius871]

I'm only 1/3 of the way through so far, but I just have to comment that if BPW isn't hit by a bus at the end, I'll be supremely disappointed.

[Darius871]

So yes, I'm supremely disappointed. The only way I can restore whatever sense of cosmic justice I once had is to assume she was in fact hit by a bus shortly after, and nobody can convince me otherwise. Oh, and children were dancing in the streets.

[Nugog]

Originally posted by -Jrabbit
So mourn a little, scream to the heavens to protest their unfairness, go get sloppy drunk, whatever. But accept the loss and move on.

A friend of mine did something similar - but it included marriage, and two kids.

He ended up being 23, divorced with 2 kids.

Those of us who had walked away while he was married were there to support him once it was over - but a very messy situation.

Leave him to it.

[Alinestra Covelia]

Originally posted by -Jrabbit
People need to live their own lives. HK is north of 25 y.o. He's a big boy and should be treated that way, else he'll never grow up. The situation is sad, it's pathetic, and it's maddening. But it's not gonna change, and doing an intervention can only make it worse.

I'll buy that. It's the driving force behind my decision to cut him off entirely. Just looking at the amount of time and effort we'd spent to help him, and compared with paltry returns, it's clear this is no longer our problem.

I feel sorry for his parents though. They know my parents pretty well, and the day after HK told me about this, I got a phone call from my mom asking whether I knew "any nice looking Asian women" in my town to introduce him to.

Heh - always a pragmatist, my mum!

[Nugog]

Originally posted by Alinestra Covelia
I feel sorry for his parents though. They know my parents pretty well, and the day after HK told me about this, I got a phone call from my mom asking whether I knew "any nice looking Asian women" in my town to introduce him to.

Heh - always a pragmatist, my mum!

The only problem with that is that she is already knocked up - and the child will need it's father - it's not the childs fault that it's mother is how she is.

[Seeker]

41 vs mid-twenties...isn't this like, rape, or something?

On the other hand, having real friends is painful sometimes.

If you 'disowned' people just because they're idiots how many would be left?

Just make sure you have a good excuse when he phones you from some bar in Thailand at 5:00 AM asking for money and a place to stay.

[Dinner]

There is nothing worse then a woman who intentionally gets pregnant by deceiving a man. I could never trust such a woman and would drop her like a rock, kid or no kid.

I'd still pay the child support the court orders but no way in hell could I ever spend my life with such a lying deceitful person. I mean joking about things which don't matter in the long run or even telling the odd white lie is acceptable but something as big as pregnancy? Forget it, the ***** can hit the road.

[Alinestra Covelia]

I'm not a lawyer (yet) but I think court orders for child support will look at income disparities.

In which case, HK is off the hook. He's making peanuts and BPW is making bank.

Also if she's in a faraway SE Asian country, she probably couldn't bring any paternity support suits against him in the US.

Assuming she intends to at all. It frankly wouldn't be worth her while and she has already shown that she doesn't seem to require or desire his support as a matter of necessity.

[Pekka]

Agreed with Oerdin. If someone gets pregnant on purpose like that... one of the worst things I can imagine. That is so selfish and so wrong... just so WRONGGGGGGGGGGGGGG it's WRONNNG! You don't do that to another person. That's horrible. I mean damn... I knew this kind of thing happens sometimes, but when ever I actually read about it? Makes me shake my head.

Alinestra window Covelia, what you did is what you did. Most here agree with it. Well for the sake of discussion, I have an alternative view. I had a friend who was in similar situation, except they were both young and the girl he was with was manipulative and violent. He used to beat my friend.

It sounds kind of funny but it really isn't. The group of friends we were, we were worried about him. We also told him several times to grow a pair and get out of the abusive relationship and that we got his back and we will support him.

We even got tired of it. But you know what? He wasn't in a normal state anyway. He was totally controlled. It was like an illness. It went on for some years. He was also in denial when it was clear to everyone, clear like a sunny day, no mistake could be done there.

We were frustrated that he wouldn't take our advice. I mean it was us. We were his friends. Who is this new girl anyway? We can be trusted and we're certainly looking out for the best for him, no questions asked. Certainly the best. But the difference is, even though we got frustrated and we contacted him less and less over the time (because he wasn't allowed to talk to us), there was a point when he finally got out of it. It took a long time but he was shattered by then. He needed us. That relationship changed his personality even, even today he is unsure about himself, he conducts himself differently (no confidence what so ever) and he is unable to get into a new relationship.

But he is our man and will be in the future as well. Girls and boys come and go, the good ones stick but other than that? It's like a core group of survivors, you don't leave someone behind because they're being manipulated and controlled. I'm not blaming you or anything, I don't know the situation or anything. But it sounds to me like he is a victim here and cannot function normally. It is likely that in his head you guys are still his only real life line.

IN short, I'd throw the net back and just support him. No matter what, try to forget the crap and just support his crappy decisions and be there for him and try to influence him to get out. But if he can't or won't, you can still support him and he is your friend, right? Sometimes when you're really good friends, which you are, you have to be a friend to a wall and keep trying and keep forgiving and forgetting. But it's always worth it.

[Alinestra Covelia]

Wow, Pekka - that was a really decent and frank comment you posted. Thanks for the insights. (And can you tell that I'm surprised, given your usual mischievous self? )

Yeah, I made it clear to him (I think, based on what I related above, which was pretty close to the actual language used) that if he ever decided to break up with her, he was welcome back. But while he's with her she is so overbearing an influence that we cannot and will not waste our effort in helping him.

We're not arbitrators. I don't personally care to know BPW's motivations behind the totally unacceptable crap she does to others. I have my own limits of compassion and aid and they're not infinitely elastic. Now that he's made his bed, he has to sleep in it... but if he ever falls out, I'll be there to catch him.

[Pekka]

Yeah. I know the influence evil women have over their submissive men (and vice versa)!

Just consider him as a victim. Don't take it personally, I know it feels bad when it's clear to you and you know he knows it as well.... but still covers for her and decides to "ignore" you. But consider him as a victim, he isn't in his right state of mind.

I know you'll be there for him if he gets out and reaches out, but consider talking to him regardless. Just every now and then. Maybe just over the phone. He is a prisoner, tough love won't necessarily work, in fact he might feel very bad about it.

What ever you do, just consider not shutting him down completely even if he is trapped. Ignore the lady though. She is waste of space and the enemy. You don't have to actively try to break him out, just consider something less than tough love.

You know he wants to talk about games to you. So he calls as if nothing happened, but that's his mechanism for survival. He still needs you, even more so, just for that chat. It is a partial reach from him when he does that IMO. He wants to feel the sameness and normalcy he used to have, he misses it, that's why he acts as if nothing happened. Don't take it on him too hard. The reason I'm pitching the idea of re-consideration is because our friend was very happy that we continued to interact with him in the terms he had, which were weird and wasn't enough for us. But when it was all over... he was very pleased and happy about it, but also broken and changed forever. It is as if he really was a prisoner, literally, in some dungeon, beaten up all the time. So he was happy that he had a contact outside of that world. He was being the bravest he can when he talked to us, since he wasn't allowed to do that.

[DaShi]

This just confirms my belief that all older women are crazy and dangerous!

[Proteus_MST]

She probably has a problem with her ego,
not too much of it but too less.

She sees you and she sees her friend and sees how yung yu are, compared to her and gets jealous and, at the same time distrustful and probably fears that her friend will, as soon as possible, betray her with a younger woman.
Well, a child of him of course is the thing that many (not too bright) women think to be the best method to bind a man to them.

And partly probably dissatisfaction with herlife/age is the reason for her behavior in the shops you mentioned. She uses thae fact that she is the one with the money and she is the customer to get rid of her feelings of dissatisfaction with her life by tyrannizing the shop clerks.


As for HK, as someone mentioned, he is grown up (at least according to his age ), so if you thoroughly warned him about the steps he did, you did all you could do.

[DaShi]

Nah, she's just a manipulative ***** just waiting for someone like HK. I wouldn't bother humanizing her at all.

[Dinner]

Originally posted by DaShi
This just confirms my belief that all older women are crazy and dangerous!

Some are and some aren't same with the crazy young ones who get pregnant to "keep their man". He should have dumped as soon as it was clear she had lied about her age. He likely has self esteem so low he thinks he can't do better then a woman so much older then him who is so controlling. All I can say is I have no respect for your friend and he is not a man as a man would have stood up for himself and not accepted the lies long before she tricked him into this pregnancy.