After a year and a half, estranged from my best friend

[Alinestra Covelia]

Yes, a factual clarification - BPW never lied (as far as I know) to me or to HK about her age. I merely assumed she was in her early 30s and later was very surprised to learn she was in her early 40s.

Hmm... maybe you guys are right. I dunno, sounds like completely cutting him off isn't going to help things for him. Certainly for me I miss having a buddy that I can talk to about games and anime and stuff.

There appear to be two schools of thought about HK's behavior. DUMBASS and VICTIM. The two are not technically mutually exclusive, but it's very hard to make them jive with each other. If I see him as a VICTIM, then I try to give him support and sympathy and advice. The problem is that no matter how much effort we put into this intellectual black hole, he bumbles along and ignores us and makes his utter allegiance to BPW clear, firmly putting himself into the DUMBASS camp.

This makes me feel like a complete goddamn fool. I find myself asking why the hell I bothered in the first place?

In fact this has taken a slightly philosophical bent, which may be better placed in a separate thread. But at risk of embarking on a major digression, here are my thoughts:

• Many people, including myself, don't make friends just like that. There's usually a certain set of traits I have to appraise before I decide that somebody's good friend material.
• The traits that are a bare minimum for me are honesty (occasional white lies are okay, e.g. "Are you kidding? Ali, you'll do FINE on your law school finals, so stop worrying!"), respect for autonomy, and a certain degree of intelligence and self-awareness.
• Although a fine appreciation for video games, martial arts, and rock climbing goes a pretty long way with me too

So having established that I do not make friends indiscriminately, the corollary to this is that I have some sort of discriminating (or, less controversially, "screening") process going on when I decide who's my friend and who's just an acquaintance.

The problem is, I think HK has officially fallen below the minimum level of intelligence and self-awareness that I need before I respect him as a friend. The feeling is similar to being in the same room as a baby who cries for its rattle but then throws it on the ground for you to pick up whenever you give it to the baby. After a few tries, you start to think in terms of self-interest. "My patience is not inexhaustible. I am not this person's keeper. The responsibility is not mine to shoulder."

That's the internal monologue I'm working through right now. I do not dislike HK as a person, but I don't think I can be friends with him. Even if he were to break up with her tomorrow, I'd help him like I said I would. But I'd be extremely wary of trusting him with anything of consequence, and it would require considerable mending on his part to convince me that my old pal HK was back for good again.

As for BPW, I also recognize she may have been through some pretty bad stuff. HK more or less said as much awhile back. But past a certain point, it's not my problem. If the easiest way to isolate her negative impact is to treat her as if she were dead, then that's the route I will take. I am not a mediator or an arbitrator - and I'm finding it barely worthwhile even extending myself for HK, let alone for his tormentor.

Practically speaking if I were to resume contacts, here are the logistics:

Phone is not a good way to contact him, because BPW is always beside him, arrectis auribus, to butt in whenever he has a conversation with somebody else. And I'd really rather not put up with her bullcrap right now. So far I have never said to her face how much I dislike her. But that might change if I was ever forced to hang around her in future.

Maybe email would work? He might be able to check his email in private once in a while, say, when he's at work or something. The first email would be really awkward though. "Still alive? Are have you assimilated with the Hive Queen yet?"

Maybe I can just pretend that nothing has happened and keep talking about games and trivia. If I pass no judgment at all and just keep the conversation dispassionately focused on neutral topics, that might give him the space he needs to think about stuff without me judging him.

At the same time, I sometimes feel like I'd like to slap him silly for his incredible stupidity. As for her... well, the Fifth Amendment probably compels my silence on that front.

[Wezil]

So we've ruled out the taser idea?

[DaShi]

Maybe I can just pretend that nothing has happened and keep talking about games and trivia. If I pass no judgment at all and just keep the conversation dispassionately focused on neutral topics, that might give him the space he needs to think about stuff without me judging him.

I think that this is the way to go; treat him more like an acquaintance. You can still talk about video games and such. You could even let him join in on your escapades as long as BPW doesn't tag along. You've said everything you need to about her to him. Just make sure that she can't further infect your life.

[BlackCat]

AC, are HK crying for help or are you thinking he needs it ?

If he hasn't, why the hell do you try to meddle with the way he has chosen to live ?

I admit that I may be a bit unpolite, but anything else would be dishonest.

[SlowwHand]

She got what she wanted, a donation from the sperm bank.
I doubt there's anything ominous in the future, unless he has a sudden desire to meet the child.

[DaShi]

What if the child is the anti-christ? Did you ever consider that Sloww? Huh? Did you?

[Zoid]

There haven't been any signs that the Antichrist will be born. So I think he's safe there...

[Thedrin]

I read something quite similar to that a couple of weeks ago - a story told by a women who had been in an abusive relationship. That story descended into physical abuse, there was no pregnancy, and the genders were reversed, but otherwise the tone of the story and the attitude of the abuser are pretty much identical.

Find an organisation who deals with abusive relationships. Probably the majority of people they provide guidance to are women but see if they can provide any written stories by men who were in mentally abusive relationships (such organisations usually have stories which they use as warnings, and to help raise funds). Give them to HK to read (probably best if it's all done in person - you wouldn't want her to see it all) so that, assuming he recognises similarities, he at least has an idea where things are going and, if he ever decides he wants out, he'll know how to go about it.

[VetLegion]

I didn't read the entire thread, just the opening post so sorry if I am repeating what someone already said.

BPW sounds like a confident and determined lady with organizational skills and people skills + high intelligence. Does she have a sister?

[Zoid]

I never had you pegged for a submissive masochist, VL...

[Alinestra Covelia]

Originally posted by Wezil
So we've ruled out the taser idea?

How much do those run to, generally? Do you need any special permit to own them?

[Wezil]

Originally posted by Alinestra Covelia


How much do those run to, generally? Do you need any special permit to own them?

I'm not sure but I think we can do this under the radar so to speak.

I'm guessing Donegeal has one that he might let us use if we promise to replace the batteries when we're finished.

Of course I should be put in command of the operation. My experience with tasers is quite limited (none) but I'm a quick and eager learner.

[Pekka]

in da butt.

[Wezil]

I think Pekka should be put in charge of the deprogramming step.

Supercitizen FTW.

[SlowwHand]

Originally posted by DaShi
What if the child is the anti-christ? Did you ever consider that Sloww? Huh? Did you?

No need to consider. You're the anti-christ.