Dying parents

[BlackCat]

Well, my father has been that for some three months - he needs heart surgery but isn't strong enough to handle such, so ...

It isn't so much about the dying, that I can accept, it's the fact that I live some 300 km away and can't do anything - yeah, I know, even if I lived next door I neither could do anything, but then I could at least visit regularily.

Anybody out there with similar experience ? How to handle that things gets worse week by week, while he is a fighter that doesn't give up and you are stuck far away ?

Yeah, I know - 300 km isn't much - a couple of hours driving, but you can't do it every day.

[VetLegion]

Sorry to hear that

[Wezil]

Sorry to hear.

My father had a heart attack some years ago and I was living some 300-400 kms away. While ultimately he survived he was extremely sick at the time and no one could gaurantee what way things would go.

I couldn't be there full-time and couldn't make the trip frequently and it was tough. I think I got by on a lot of phone calls. There was always someone to answer and usually some one that could appreciate the familiar voice.

I hope this turns out better than you fear.

[Asmodean]

First of all, BC, I am sorry for your situation.

In my experience, small things mean a lot in cases like your. I don't know if you dad is tech savvy, but to make up for the long distance, you could set up a webcam for him, and then you have have daily video sessions with each other.

Telephones would work just as well, but as I said, it's the small things that matter.

Remember to talk things through with your dad. Perhaps you have things you haven't said to him yet, but wish to do. Perhaps he feels the need to ease his fears about dying. It is a well known fact that in cases like yours where death is a certainty, it is very important to talk everything through.

You don't write if your mother is still alive. If she is, then have talks with her as well. Offer her all the help and support that you can. She is very likely every bit as scared as your father, if not even more. She is, after all, the one who faces everyday life on her own, once he dies. That can be a very daunting thing to face once you have lived together for so many years as your parents probably have.

And finally: Allthough it is 300 kms, then do that drive as often as you can m8.

I don't have personal experience with death like that, but having previously worked for a number of years taking care of the elderly (ældresektoren) I have first hand experience nonetheless

Asmodean

[Grandpa Troll]

I lost my Mom in 2000 and Dad has cancer and is still alive, 1300 miles from me.

We talk and I tell him I love him and thank him for all he has done. I let him talk when he and I converse, even when he repeats himself, he has earned that privelege!

I do hope you find peace Blackcat and tell those whom you love how you feel.

Bruce

[BlackCat]

Thanks Vet.

Wezil, you sums it up very well what is possible, and no there isn't actually any hope - he is dying and that I have accepted - one of our finest heart hospitals has said they can't do more.

Asmodean, thanks, yeah I do the travel as often as possible, but when back in Cph, there is a long way back to Ã…rhus.

Edit : didn't mention my mother because they have been divorced for some 30 years.

[SlowwHand]

Re: Dying parents

[SIZE=1]

Anybody out there with similar experience ? How to handle that things gets worse week by week, while he is a fighter that doesn't give up and you are stuck far away ?

Yeah, I know - 300 km isn't much - a couple of hours driving, but you can't do it every day.

As a matter of fact, BlackCat, I'm leaving Sunday to take Playful and drop her off in Utah.
Her dad is dying. About 3 months to go.
Mother has had 2 strokes and a broken hip. We thought she'd go first.

Good luck, bud. I don't remember if you believe or not.
If you do, and if he does, remember we feel baddest for ourselves.
The ones that go have it made now.

Hang in there.

[BlackCat]

SlowwHand, may Playful have some good moments with her father while possible - loosing people close to you isn't easy.

Neither me nor my dad are belivers, so no such comfort, but that really don't matter.

[Berzerker]

[Japher]

I'll pray for you and your family. Believer or not, I am and to me it matters.

Good Luck and hold tight. Be there as much as you can. Because of the dying we shouldn't stop living.

Here's some soppy Christian song that I like:

[Lancer]

Keep in mind that years down the line you may wish you could have him back to tell him something, so tell it to him now. I've lost both parents, all you can do is hang in there. Pray if you can...

[alva]

[BeBMan]

Sorry to hear that

[Nostromo]

Man, life can be a queen and it can be a *****, ain't it?

[notyoueither]

Re: Dying parents

Originally posted by BlackCat
Anybody out there with similar experience ? How to handle that things gets worse week by week, while he is a fighter that doesn't give up and you are stuck far away ?

Yes, but I've been closer a couple of times with people close to me being terminal and slipping away.

You do whatever makes them happy. Even if that is the sound of your voice over a phone line. However, it is also important to remain respectful of their space.

Letters may be a good idea for some people. You can choose your words, and they have a chance to absorb them.

I wish you and your familiy the best, BC. I hope your father has calm seas and a kind wind.