Dying parents

[DRoseDARs]

It's the waiting that's the worst part. Sometimes Death has to be cruel and drag things out. When we got word from Florida that my grandmother was in the hospital, my mom and her sister (their brother didn't come with) flew down just in time to watch her suffer for the last few days and there was squat they could do (Uncle Brian is a doctor no less).

BC, do try to make it down as many times as you can while you still can.

[BlackCat]

Thanks guys.

It's quite right that the waiting is the worst. Though, one thing is the message that the crisis will come in some 3 month, another is that the message is that he can die tomorrow and then week after week passes - for the moment some eight weeks.

[Traianvs]

My humble advice would be - if he is still capable - to have some good & long conversations with him on whatever you can think of, and if I were you I'd even write down beforehand the things I would like to talk about. Be it practical things or things from the past or whatever, it'll make it a lot easier in terms of 'closure' or whatever it's called in English.

When my father died suddenly and inexplicably in february, I had no chance of doing all that. I haven't got a clue how old you are, but for someone my age that was a bit of a bummer I can tell you.

Take care dude

[GePap]

I lost my father many years ago, and was 3000 miles away.

My advice is talk to him as much as you can. All you get to keep is memories, so you still have time to make more. You should endevour to do so.

[Sirotnikov]

Sorry to hear that

Be strong, and keep in touch.

Also find the time to talk, like GePap said.

Lots of stuff end up being unsaid, I guess. And it's a shame. You have the opportunity to spend quality time.

[Straybow]

300km? That's a short trip for a weekend. Give everything you've got.

[C0ckney]

really sorry to hear that bc, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

not really much to add, except to echo the advice given already in this thread.

[Tiamat]

Very sorry to hear that. Will keep you in my prayers and thoughts. I went through the same issue almost 2 years ago now when my father was dying. I lived 6 hours away from him and it was tough. I would drive up and stay two days and have to come home to take care of stuff here then turn around and go back. Sometimes I would get to spend weeks at a time sometimes only a day or two, but I would always turn around and go back. I would have to say making the decision to do the traveling time and spending the time with him was the best decision I've ever made.

It gave us both a chance to say what needed to be said, offered closure as well as it gave him comfort to have me there even if there was nothing I could do for him but just hold his hand. It helped me alot to so that I could deal with the fact that soon he wouldn't be here.

All I can say is do it. Go to him. There is nothing in this life, money, job etc... that is as important as this time that you have left with your father. It will all still be here but he won't and believe me you will kick yourself everyday for the rest of your life if you don't. I was on the way out the door to see my Mom in the hospital on a Friday afternoon and decided not to go. She died on Monday and for the last 29 years there hasn't been a day that's gone by that I have not regreted that decision. I never got to say goodbye. So go.

[Darsnan]

Re: Dying parents

Originally posted by BlackCat
Well, my father has been that for some three months - he needs heart surgery but isn't strong enough to handle such, so ...

First off, I am very sorry to hear this. My wife lost her father to a heart attack 3 days after our youngest was born, and my father passed away from complications of Alzheimers. Although it is never easy to lose a parent, I have to say that at least with my father I had the opportunity to say everything that I wanted and or needed to (i.e. I have a sense of closure with my father's death that my wife has never been able to feel), and I hope you take the opportunity to do this, as well.

This past May my mother's license was taken away due to her progressing dementia. This was, to say the least, very traumatic for my mother, and she has not taken it well. She is very hurt, confused, and frustrated by this, and to date she is defiantly refusing any help that has been offered her. My wife and I have been alternating going to see her every weekend, which is a journey of 161 miles one way. We've been able to do this because its been summer time and our kids were out of school, but with school back in session, as well as the impending winter, we're not sure what we're going to be able to do going forward.


D

[Hueij]

Oh man

This is something I've been thinking about for some time now. My parents are 80 and 79 now and luckily they are still going strong. But I know that not long from now things will happen.

BC, hang on in there and try to visit and talk to him as much as you can. I wish you strength.

[Agathon]

Re: Dying parents

Originally posted by BlackCat

Yeah, I know - 300 km isn't much - a couple of hours driving, but you can't do it every day.

You can, and should, do it every weekend. It's also the time to take as much holiday as you can get.

When my dad was diagnosed, I was 14,000km away. I put school on hold and went back to New Zealand to help my mother. In retrospect, it would have been less of a personal nightmare if I had stayed in Canada, but I didn't go for selfish reasons.

No matter how much you do, you'll still regret things that you forgot to do, but it's best to minimize those.

[BlackCat]

My problem is "solved"

Last saturday him, his wife and all us children had a fun day and he looked good - sunday he was hurried to the hospital and finally thursday evening he gave up the battle and died peacefully with us all gathered around him.

Since he was a terminal patient there was no bleeping equipment or hectic staff, so he died in dignity.

RIP.

[Pekka]

Sorry to hear this BlackCat

Good to hear you had a fun day though, sounds like he left in good terms.

[Seeker]

My grandpa just died bad, he fell down drunk an struck his head on the curb, pretty ****ty way to die for a guy who survived 1944-45 in Italy in tanks in WWII and I couldn't even be there in a way I'm glad cause his mind went on him. (Stroke plus his small intestine was delcared 'dead' by the the doctor due to a weird blood clot)

Made me feel like **** for a while but whenever I get back to Toronto I;m gonna visit the tree they planted for him at his boyhood home on Centre Island. He was survived by his twin brother, who also served in Italy in WWII.

[BlackCat]

Thanks Pekka.

More important on the fun day, it was obvious he had a good time teasing us and giving him a chuckle when he hit the right nerves (good ones, not those that cause strife).