Was Saddam the head of a representative government after all?

[Lancer]

Though he was a complete ******* that seems fairly representative of a majority of his people.

I suggest we re-animate him and give him his country back with a nice note of apology about the whole invasion thingy.

No really, the way Iraqis haven't welcomed their liberators I'm thinking maybe a despot is just the thing, better than another moslem extremeist state that wants to murder everybody that isn't moslem.

Then, we go to the world bank and write it off as a business loss.

Discuss.

[SlowwHand]

SOMEBODY take the damn country. Anchor around the neck.

[Lancer]

Let the Turks have it, they have experience with this sort of thing.

[SlowwHand]

That's fine. Here, Turks. Take the ball and run.

[Lancer]

They want to invade anyway, we've been stopping them. I say when we let them come, then declare we can't beat the Turks and retreat like we mean it.

[SlowwHand]

Ok, time to saddle up and ride. Replacements have arrived. Adios.

[Lancer]

France owes us one for taking over Vietnam...

[SlowwHand]

That would be perfect. YES! Give it to France.

[Lancer]

That's it!

Havinf solved all of our problems in an afternoon, it's time for a drinkie.

Belly up Sloww! I'm pouring.

[Barnabas]

But that would ruin the french saying : "France does not have oil, but it has ideas"

[RGBVideo]

In short, weÃ’re screwed. I can hear you asking, "Gary, how can we get out of this mess?"

Well, youÒre in luck because the War Nerd has been on the job, brooding about Iraq full-time. IÒve been able to go full-time because my damn medical problems flared up this past month and kept me at home, channel-surfing. Embarrassing kidney stuff×if you ever want revenge on somebody you really hate, just give them kidney problems. What with the pain and the time off work, IÒve had a stroke of genius.

My solution may shock you at first, but you just ride out that first shockwave and youÃ’ll see itÃ’s golden.

WeÃ’re losing this war, folks. WeÃ’ve got to do something radical. Right now, Iraq is ungovernable. WeÃ’ve installed one Iraqi puppet after another, and theyÃ’ve all failed. Some just didnÃ’t have the balls, some were blown up in their cars. And those were the lucky ones; some of the others, like the commander of the "Fallujah Brigade," were snatched out of their cars and taken to soundproofed basements where nobody could hear them scream, while Islamic torturers went to work on their fingernails and testicles.

Now weÒve appointed Allawi. ItÒs a step in the right direction, because he is one mean son of a *****. An interesting guy; he started out as a hit man for SaddamÒs BaÒath Party, quashing dissent by blowing the dissentersÒ heads off. Then he decided he wanted to be a doctor×maybe he got interested in medicine by seeing what peopleÒs brains looked like splattered all over the sidewalk, I donÒt know. Anyway, he went up to the head of an Iraqi medical school, Godfather-style, and said "I want an MD degree." They agreed with hardly any delay. It was the fastest qualification in history. None of those 50-hour shifts as an intern for Allawi; he graduated with honors in the time it took the Dean of Med School to sign the paper, trying not to let his hand shake too much.

Then Allawi had a fight with Saddam. Luckily, he was in London at the time. If you had a fight with Saddam in Iraq, you ended up in the dungeons getting cigarettes put out on your eyeballs. But London allowed Allawi a little more scope. So instead of hitting SaddamÃ’s enemies, he became a CIA asset and started putting .22 rounds in the back of Iraqi officialsÃ’ heads. You know, putting his talents to the service of freedom.

By all accounts, Allawi is a talented killer. In his first week in office, he personally took out six suspected insurgents×just linedÒem up and gave each one a bullet in the brainstem. Him being an MD, he also performed the autopsies which revealed that the deceased died of heart failure, which was technically true×your heart does tend to stop when your headÒs blown open.

This is the kind of guy we need to run Iraq. If Allawi had had a better start, heÒd be fine. Unfortunately, heÒs way, way too closely identified with the Occupation. No Iraqi will ever trust him again. Right now he controls about ten square yards of Iraq×the space covered by his special Delta-Force bodyguards. ThatÒs it. If he ever walks out alone, even in the middle of that downtown mortar range known as the Green Zone, heÒs toast.

What we need is somebody like Allawi, but not identified with the American occupation. Somebody double-tough, with plenty of experience in running Iraq.

That narrows it down to a pool of applicants consisting of exactly one guy.

I think you can see where IÃ’m going here, folks. ThatÃ’s right: Bring back Saddam!

Look at the manÒs record! He came up from nowhere, a peasant boy from the boondocks (Tikrit) and took control of the craziest country on the planet. Better still, he kept control for decades. He survived every crisis a ruler could have: rebellions in Kurdistan and the Shiite zone, all-out war against Iran, American bombing and invasion, CIA assassination plots, blockade. None of it even fazed him. There were literally hundreds of attempted coups against him×and the guys who planned them are fertilizing the desert now×some of them taken out by our own guy, Doctor Allawi.

But Allawi was never more than hired muscle. Saddam was the brains of the outfit all along. We ought to realize that by now, after trying to run Iraq on our own. Saddam must be sitting in his cell mumbling to himself, "So, Yankees×now you see what I had to deal with! Now you see itÒs not so easy, huh? Now you see you canÒt run Iraq on hymns and happy thoughts, eh, you sons-of-jackals amateurs!"

By hiring Allawi weÒve already pretty much admitted that Saddam was the right man for the job, because Allawi is just a midget version of Saddam with the beard shaved and the American flag stamped on his forehead. Which is why heÒll never get the respect he needs to run the place×the Iraqis see him as our puppet. Old ladies would tear him limb from limb if they caught him in the street without his Delta operators.

Nope, thereÃ’s only one man for this job: olÃ’ Soddom himself. Sure, there might be a problem explaining to the American voters why we blew a trillion dollars and a thousand GIsÃ’ lives putting the guy we ousted back in power. But hey, just wrap the flag around Saddam. He wonÃ’t mind, heÃ’s a flexible guy. And weÃ’ll fall for it. WeÃ’ll fall for anything.

-The War Nerd, 13th of Nov '04

[Kidlicious]

Re: Was Saddam the head of a representative government after all?

Originally posted by Lancer
No really, the way Iraqis haven't welcomed their liberators I'm thinking maybe a despot is just the thing, better than another moslem extremeist state that wants to murder everybody that isn't moslem.

They welcomed you as liberators, just not occupiers.

[SlowwHand]

Bull****.
A) We're not "occupying" anything.
B) The Iraqi government keeps whining at us not to leave.

[Kidlicious]

Originally posted by SlowwHand
Bull****.
A) We're not "occupying" anything.

Say what?

B) The Iraqi government keeps whining at us not to leave.

Of course. It can't survive without us. The majority of people do want us to leave, however. Check the polls.

[notyoueither]

Bush need an exit strategy.

What better than to take over Iraq?

He can be a strong man on 'our side.'