Does anyone know anything about a repressed libido?

[child of Thor]

hmmm.

religions that demonise sex cause problems. look at it this way.
We are really just like animals(98% same genetics as apes ok). Sex is ok, its perfectly natural - it was around before we invented religions to give us some structures for living in larger social groups(so yeah my hunch is cavemen 'did it' - even animals do it).
Some people like it a lot, some much less, we are all very differnet which is a good thing.

Masterbation is normal. Not everyone has a partner to have sex with, so its a normal function even within marriage. Its not dirty, its not evil, its nothing to do with the devil. Moderation is the key as with most desires in life, and it wont turn you into a monster pervert overnight.

You will feel less uptight and less 'odd' about yourself if you tried it, maybe not at first cause you'll have to deal with what i'm guessing are religous issues after you've done it.

Really its very normal behaviour - religion makes it less so(it was used as a controlling mechanism that is kinda out of date by a few hundred years).

As soon as you realise that most stuff to do with sex is normal and ok and pretty much all of us(human kind) have been in the same situ at one point or another; then you'll start to feel less weird about it.

If you think this is going to be a big issue for you, then go and speak with someone professional about it, maybe even a priest to get that perspective to help you better make a decision.

But its not that big a deal as you will find when looking back on it in a few years time

[Mrs. Tuberski]

I hope you guys are all aware that girls feel the same way as spiffor said up a few posts. I for one didnt date in hi school. All the boys that caught my eye wanted the cheerleader types. I soon figured out that i was just very shy and dint know how to communicate with a lot of girls let alone any guys. I got my firs bf when i went out to a party and had a few beers in me. And no he didnt just want to take me home for sex. I was close to 20 when i started to have sex. I didnt masterbuate at that age before nor do i now, Not that i never did but i dont now. Moral to the story I was and am very shy. I dont really talk to folks unless they speak to me first. I have also found out that some of the guys i liked would have asked me out but they thought i was a snob, cause,i never spoke that much and out of their league. I was like what i am not a snob. They said i know that now but then we didnt. By then i was already married and pregnant. So girls can be just as shy and uncomfy around you guys

[child of Thor]

yep its a tricky to work out world out there, especially when it involves relationships, or the lack off.

Still its good to remind oneself that we are all 'normal', even when feeling like the not so normal ones

[Ben Kenobi]

Interesting, Mrs. Tuberski.

As for me I didn't have my first girlfriend until I was 19 and after my first year of university. I got along well with my small group of guy friends, (most of whom have all moved away now, ) but I can't say I really got along well with the girls.

I guess I'm still rather shy, I never know what to say to the girls to let them know that I am interested in them.

It's funny the bit about the snob, I don't hear very well, and sometimes, someone will try to catch my attention, and I won't hear them. Lots of folks thought I was just ignoring them.

Haven't had sex yet, at 24, don't know how far out of the loop that puts me, but I'm happy to have waited so far.

[Whaleboy]

On all counts BK, we'd be surprised if your story was any different . Perhaps, once you have been taken advantage of on a cold, lonely, drunken night by a beautiful 18 year old, you'll understand what we've been trying to tell you for years; that sex isn't a bad thing .

[Saras]

[SpencerH]

I'm at a loss for words.

[Colonâ„¢]

Originally posted by Ben Kenobi
It's funny the bit about the snob, I don't hear very well, and sometimes, someone will try to catch my attention, and I won't hear them. Lots of folks thought I was just ignoring them.

Yeah, I also got that problem. Or people think you're not paying attention if you ask to repeat what they've said, or they feel snubbed at because distracted by others things when 2 people having a conversation, simply because you don't understand what they're saying. But normally speaking you should find at least some people who are mindful of that if you tell them.

[Colonâ„¢]

Originally posted by Whaleboy
On all counts BK, we'd be surprised if your story was any different . Perhaps, once you have been taken advantage of on a cold, lonely, drunken night by a beautiful 18 year old, you'll understand what we've been trying to tell you for years; that sex isn't a bad thing .

I disagree.

[Ecthy]

Look who's talking.

Colon and Whaleboy are experts on repreessed libido.

[johncmcleod]

First off, I'd like to thank you all so much for taking the time to wade through my long posts and helping me.

Another thing about intimicy and 'getting the girl I want': When people say relationships are a 2-way street, it means more than give/take. It also means that no matter how hard one side tries or works at things, the other side has to participate in a reciprocal manner for anything to happen at all. This is part of why intimicy, friendship, and love are so important for human beings I think; That we have to put aside our plans and formulae in exchange for simple awareness of the other. Sometimes a person not 'in our plans' becomes very close, and other times we must let go of obsessions when we notice that its not going to work out. That keeps some balance. Intellectualizing one's own moves like "If I'd just done x,y,z it would have worked out" is when things can get ....odd.

I can't help it. I already intellectualize my own actions all of the time. And I know about how relationships are two way, but they just don't happen naturally for me. If I let things happen, I won't make friends. I just can't do it. But whenever I find someone I want to be friends with, I try to be their friend. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But it works way better than just letting things happen naturally. And I can't help who I am interested in. If I could, I would either a) be interested in no on, which would make things easier, or b) be interested in girls that weren't so out of my league, or be interested in someone that I won't get awkward with.

All this points to a lack of self-confidence, for which there is no miracle cure. However, there is something you can do, which will help you progress: find a group of friends where you can express yourself, express who you are. You'll notice that you can be a liked fellow by being who you are. And you'll notice that your personality is also good, there's no need to hide it behind a mask of blandness.

I have no idea who 'I really am.' My entirely life, whenever I'm in a group of people, I have just wanted to fit in. And I've always wanted to be the center of attention, too. I've tried to do this with every group of people, and these groups have been entirely different types of people, so I have an entirely different personality based on who I am around. So the result is I have no idea what my personality really is. People say it is whatever I am comfortable being, but I am not sure if that is the case. Whenever I am with a group of people I don't care how I look in front of, I be what I am comfortable with. But I am not sure if that is my root personality, because it is not how the way I act when I am with a group of people that I like. But if it is my root personality, then I am screwed. Because when I am in that comfortable state, I lack social skills and self-control from being an idiot, weird, and/or annoying, and I have no personality. But as far as having no personality goes, it is kind of that way all of the time. I am incredibly boring, unfunny, awkward, lacking in social skills, annoying, etc.

This shows as I get more comfortable with people. At first I just act to fit in. I'll keep quite. The only things I say will be non-risky. I might have some scripted humor that I've thought out before hand and made sure it is funny, then I'll use it. In fact, I have some very funny stories about myself, and I'll use those. So people just getting to know me might think I'm hilarious. And then they get to know me and I get more comfortable with them, and who I really am begins to show. I just start to be myself and not be self-conscious, and I get annoying, people like me less, and I am not the least bit funny. Most of all I am just boring.

I used to have hobbies (wakeboarding, music) but they aren't fun anymore. Everytime I try something like that, it is fun for a little while, and then it gets boring. I don't have hobbies or interests now. In fact I just don't like doing anything. There isn't an activity in the world I enjoy, other than spending time with the people I like. And of course this makes it difficult to make friends, because most of the time friends are people with a common interest that have met each other through that. But I don't have any passions or interests. And I can't seem to get any.

So I guess the question for me is how I can change my personality and become a cool person. I figure that the social system is just a system, and if I can figure out how to work it, I can be popular. I know people who used to be nerds, and then they figured out how to work the system, and now they are popular.

When near that girl you are interested in, tell yourself you're not. Act the same way you do when with girls you aren't interested in, and she'll probably talk to you.

First off, that is easier said than done. Whenever she is around, I get more nervous. Simply telling myself I am not interested might not do the trick. And well, let's face it, acting the same way I do when I'm with girls I'm not interested in won't work, because in acting that way I haven't made any friends that are girls. If you observe me, you wouldn't notice anything unusual in the way I talk to girls. I can make small talk okay and get aquainted okay. And if you talk to other people that know me, I guarantee they won't say I have problems with talking to girls. But the thing is, I can't make good friendships with them (I guess I struggle with this with males too, but it is definitely much more difficult with girls).

Unless of course your personality is just really bland. Then you can sit back in rejoice in the wonders of societal-driven sexual selection which has reduced some members of the population to the role of spectators while everybody else gets all wound up over the copulation thing.

The first sentence is true in my case. But I don't want to be a spectator.

As for using your imagination, I recommend not imagining real women, but hypothetical women. The same with masturbation. Don't masturbate to a woman you know. That could lead to some weird situations if you tend to say the wrong thing or blurt out something you shouldn't.

I agree with all of this, however, I don't think I can help it. I could imagine hypothetical women, but first off I have a hard time doing this (I am very left brained and have no imagination), and second, I know I wouldn't be able to help it. I'd think of a hypothetical woman, and before I'd know it, a girl I'm interested in would pop into my mind. I'd tell myself not to think of her, but then that would only make it worse. That is why I won't risk anything by masturbating. Anyway, not masturbating isn't a bad idea. I talked to the priest and he doesn't do that (celibacy includes masturbation) and he says it isn't unhealthy because he doesn't act upon his desires all of the time. He just expresses his libido in different ways, for there are more ways to do this than genital expression.

But I'd like to point out my lack of masturbation isn't for religious reasons. I am kind of aetheist. I thought about sex and fantasized just like any other teenager and get aroused doing it, but I just don't go all the way. I think it is because at first, when I was first experimenting with these pleasures, I just didn't know how to do it. By the time I figured out what it was, I had cooled down. And because people don't talk about this, I didn't think it was that common or a big deal at all, so I just didn't think about it and never did it.

My main problem that I think I need help with is figuring out how to not allow the person I am interested in take over my mind. I have always been a daydreamer and think a lot. And because I am a male I think about girls a lot. The only difference is, whenever I think about that kind of stuff I just can't help but think about the person I am interested in. And though I try not to think about her, or think any lustful thoughts in general for that matter, I can't help but daydream about her. And I daydream about her all of the time, and it is unhealthy, but I can't help it.

So I think about her all of the time when I'm alone, which will make my feelings towards her more creepy, and so when I do interact with her, it is certainly more difficult. How do I avoid thinking about her?

Anyway, what will usually happen is I get someone I am interested in, and I make up my mine that I want to be hers. So this goal becomes all I think about, and I try and try, constantly analyzing my moves and seeing how I can do better, and it makes things much worse, because things get awkward. It will become very difficult to converse with her. So then I tell myself not to try. I prohibit myself from going that extra mile and being creepily outgoing and following her around and all of that. But that just results in us just staying as aquainted friends and not any closer. So how do I get close to her? If I try, it becomes this weird creepy thing and ruins the relationship I have to begin with. If I don't try, nothing happens. I've learned this from experience.

And so not being able to get what I want just kills me. I've always thought anything I wanted could be accomplished through hard work. But not this. My imagination thinks of something I want. I will think of someone I am interested in, and will constantly think about her and how I wish I was close to her in an intimate way. Subconsciously, it will become a goal (I just think that way, I'm goal oriented) and pursuing it takes over my mind. That is all I think about, and I am constantly doing everything to achieve that goal. Whenever I am around her, I will be working, doing everything possible to make her like me, and it just makes things awkward. But more importantly, it won't do any good.

My mind has a destination-to be her boyfriend. As long as I have an imagination, I think about this, about what it would be like, and it remains what I want. So I'll do what it takes to get it. But it is impossible to get. First off, all of my interests are incredibly out of my league, second off, because of this, they usually are already involved with someone. This is the case with my current interest. She is just beginning a very good relationship that should last for a while. I should feel happy for her, but I am just jealous. And on top of that, I have done things to destroy my image.

For example, I feel the need to have attention and be funny, so I try to be the funny guy, and the only way I felt confident doing this was through my self-deprecating shtick. That was the one way I knew how to be funny. I felt very comfortable in front of a group of people just ripping on myself. And I got a lot of laughs, because it was funny. So I did it for a while. The problem is, I did this in front of all the girls I knew (and I go to a small school), to get their laughter, and I did, but it must have been quite a turn off. This is kind of a detailed, complicated example, but the point remains. My current interest, even if she wasn't out of my league and with a boyfriend still would never consider me in that manner because of some of the things I have done in the past to convey myself.

This is all kind of rambling, so I'll sum it up. I'll get an interest, she'll take over my mind, so I'll start doing whatever it takes to reach the unattainable goal of being close to her (because if I didn't try it wouldn't happen) and I can't get this goal (for so many different reasons), so I go crazy. What eventually happens is I will get tired of thinking about her and kind of give up (though this takes months) and instead of thinking about this particular girl, I'll just start thinking about another one. I won't have control over who it is, it will just be any girl that I happen to be thinking about. In one case, it was a girl who I just figured out had some serious problems, so I started thinking about her a lot, and she became my interest. So anyway, I'll just go from girl to girl in this vicious cycle, always getting hurt. I don't know what to do. I am always daydreaming about getting what I want-female companionship, intimacy, touch, etc.-and the subject of my daydreams will just turn into the obession. And I can't stop daydreaming, so I don't know what to do.

What can I do to stop all of this?

[Ted Striker]

John,

HOnestly, you need to go talk to a counselor.

You have ALOT on your mind and need to get it out. Medication is just going to cover up what's going on.

The fact that you don't enjoy ANYTHING tells me you are depressed.

Please, go speak with a couneslor. At the very least, you'll get all this bottled stuff out to a pro.

Often times people are 100% fine, it's just the way they look at themselves. They probably have a silly way of looking at themselves, and become their own worst enemy.

A good couneselor can help identify this unfair idea about yourself and help you reframe and remove it.

There is probably something going on that you are not even aware of. In fact, I GUARANTEE something is going on.

[Jaguar]

I could tell you what's wrong with your approach to dealing with girls, but you've got to be comfortable with yourself before you can even hope to be comfortable with girls. The fact is that you're a normal person who tries to convince himself otherwise.

One quick word of advice is that you shouldn't obsess over a single girl and destroy your self-confidence around her. Trust me, there will be plenty of girls way out of your league. No need to elevate one girl, because you will end up holding her in a much-much-higher regard than she holds you. (She might think you're a pretty good guy, she might even like you, but there's no way she spends hours and hours thinking about you.)

The way I think about it is simply by asking myself whether I'd date a given girl, assuming I had the chance. There are usually a half-dozen or so that I'd like enough to have some sort of relationship, and I go to an all-boys school. I'm not nervous around any of them (well, maybe a little nervous around Caroline ) but because I haven't made myself too afraid of any of them, I'm able to effectively converse confidently with all of them.

[Ted Striker]

The JR. PLAYA speaks

Listen to Jag, he has all sorts of hoes in different area codes, it's like going to Baskin Robbins, he has so many hoes he can't decide so he gets a sample of each with the sample stick before ordering the double scoop.


Seriously though that's good advice.

[Mrs. Tuberski]

I agree with ted. Even if you dont find instant cure you will have unloaded a life long fill of stuff inside your heart. To be able to love someone you must be able to love your self. To be able to speak with someone you must be able to speak out loud and not to yourself. Dont sell your self short John. You have the power to decide what you want in your life and Dont ever settle for less then your willing to accept