Long Distance Relationships

[OzzyKP]

I dunno if its something to give up on. Its complicated. We both love each other, and when we do get together its wonderful (well if we ever get time alone when I'm not doing chores for her mom and brothers or something... ugh...).

She says she loves me, and I believe her. We've been together for 5 months now, and things were nicer when she was in college. Now she is living with her mom again, and her mom is a holy terror.

Odds are if she can't see me its because her mom doesn't let her, or says she has work to do around the house or something.

Of course she is 23 and if she really wants to see me she should just tell her mom to stuff it (in my opinion). But its complicated by the fact that her mom has had health issues over the last year, and has gone into surgery a few times. So Cathy wants to be there to help (despite the fact that her mom is a collassal ***** who just yells at her no matter how much she helps and sacrifices for her).

A room opened up in my house, and I invited her come move in. Which is a big step, I know, but I really want to get rid of this distance issue, and I felt we were ready. But she said no because she didn't want to leave her mom.

I mean I accept that, but at the same time it is quite frustrating. It'd be a lot easier to accept the distance if I got to see her every weekend and have an uninterupted conversation with her every night. At this point until she really gets things figured out with her life and her mom and such that's the most I'm realistically hoping for.

But lately at least, that hasn't at all been happening. I understand her mom is sick, and I understand she needs help (its not like she is bedridden or anything though, she doesn't seem too bad to me), but she is still there with her mom 5 days out of the week, you'd think it wouldn't be too much to ask for the 2 days of the weekend. Heck I'm the one driving up anyways since she doesn't have a car.

Plus she's one of those annoying cell phone people who always has to multi-task while talking on the phone. So when we talk she is talking to her brothers or folding laundry, or on a bus somewhere, so rarely do I have her undivided attention. That bugs me too.

Ugh.... *sigh*.....

[Ben Kenobi]

Of course she is 23 and if she really wants to see me she should just tell her mom to stuff it (in my opinion). But its complicated by the fact that her mom has had health issues over the last year, and has gone into surgery a few times. So Cathy wants to be there to help (despite the fact that her mom is a collassal ***** who just yells at her no matter how much she helps and sacrifices for her).

Her mom might be sick, but I guess she has to ask herself whether she wants a husband and a family of her own, or to take care of her mother. There really isn't a right answer to that question, and she needs to decide which is to come first in her life.

[OzzyKP]

I think I'd lose out in that equation.

[korn469]

Ozzy,

How have you approached telling her about this? I mean I'm assuming that you've tried to tell her you want her undivided attention at least sometimes on the phone. Also have you voiced your frustrations over how everything else is going as well?

Here's an idea, maybe you two could set aside at least one night a week for a phone date where you could talk without distractions.

[Ben Kenobi]

That's too bad Ozzy, but I think you want a wife and you deserve to have someone who wants to be with you more than with anyone else.

[OzzyKP]

Originally posted by korn469
Ozzy,

How have you approached telling her about this? I mean I'm assuming that you've tried to tell her you want her undivided attention at least sometimes on the phone. Also have you voiced your frustrations over how everything else is going as well?

Here's an idea, maybe you two could set aside at least one night a week for a phone date where you could talk without distractions.

One night a week? I'm sure we manage that. Maybe I'm too demanding, but that wouldn't at all be enough.

Yea, we've talked about it. She doesn't see that there is much of a problem. She says she wants to see me, but (I feel) kinda throws up her hands and says she can't because of her mom (or work or whatever). She has been trying to do better with the phone, and is aware of that. Still has a lot of improvement left to do.

As for seeing her more, she basically just says "this is a busy time, there isn't anything I can do about it, I wish I could tell you this was just something temporary, but I can't."

Not a "I'm so sorry, I'm gonna make more effort to see you." More of a "Yea it sucks, sorry, deal with it."

meh.

[SlowwHand]

I don't anyone questions your desires and willingness to contribute to the relationship.
Another way to look at, is this too shall pass.

Agree with their line of work or not, think of people in the service who are required to go on remote tours for a year. The relationship better be stable.

[Jon Shafer]

I would lay down the ultimatum.

Then again, some people like to call me mean...

[Ben Kenobi]

Nope, you're not being mean at all Trip. I think, that if he is not going to be able to see her for an extended period, he needs to be able to expect something when this period ends.

[Ninot]

Ozzy, I feel your pain.

Untill just recently, my girlfriend was 14 hours away. I'd go 2 months at a time not seeing her, and then when i did see her it wasnt undivided attention at all. We did love each other tho and understood each others situation. Shes gonna be about 20 minutes away now permanently because she was willing to make an effort to end the hard part of the relationship, and its all good times.

Figure out what you need, and make that clear to her. If thats too much for her to handle, you need to determine if shes worth toiling over.

[Sprayber]

Originally posted by Ninot
Ozzy, I feel your pain.

Untill just recently, my girlfriend was 14 hours away. I'd go 2 months at a time not seeing her, and then when i did see her it wasnt undivided attention at all. We did love each other tho and understood each others situation. Shes gonna be about 20 minutes away now permanently because she was willing to make an effort to end the hard part of the relationship, and its all good times.
.

Ninot hit the nail on the head. For it to work both people have to be working towards ending the distance. I recently moved and cut the distance in half on my LDR with her now being about an hour away. This summer we spent pretty much every day together except the time I had military duty. I had planned on staying down here for a year but lately I have been making planes to cut it down further. Before I did most of the driving because at the time she was unable, but this summer she did that. They can work but there has to be some sort of plan to close the distance. Otherwise the situation just lingers.

[OzzyKP]

How long have you been together?



See I dunno, is every weekend too much to expect? Have we just not been together long enough for me to expect this degree of commitment? I dunno.

[Ninot]

Originally posted by OzzyKP
How long have you been together?



See I dunno, is every weekend too much to expect? Have we just not been together long enough for me to expect this degree of commitment? I dunno.

We've been together for 2 years and a bit now. We started going out at what would have been Senior year of high school for Americans, and she went away for University because of some weird arrangements. After 2 years of univeristy (and only seeing her for Summer and holidays), she managed to get a transfer back to Montreal.

Is every weekend too much? I'd say no. Even when we were 14 hours apart, we dilligently made time to chat on MSN and routinely traded emails to keep a feeling of closeness. One night a weekend we'd designate as like a "chat" night, cuz if we were actually together we would be on a date of some kind at the least.

It worked for us. It might not for others.

For how close you 2 seem to be, I would think weekend time together would be more than fair. But Thats for the two of you to work out.

[Imran Siddiqui]

Plus she's one of those annoying cell phone people who always has to multi-task while talking on the phone.

Dump her. Now.

See I dunno, is every weekend too much to expect?

HELL NO! If that is all the time you can hang out, it's not demanding. It seems like you've been going out for a few months, at least.

[Bereta_Eder]

_See I dunno, is every weekend too much to expect?

I don't think there's a fixed recipee for these things. Depends. Depends how you feel too. If you feel it isn't too much to expect then it probably isn't. I knew a girl we used to see eachother every night and if one night we didn't see eachother it was like not normal. But we lived close to eachother. Then a friend of mine is with a girl who he only sees at summers and they're alright but they are planning on moving in together later on.
Personally I wouldn't like very much to be told that "I wish I could tell you this was just something temporary, but I can't."
She seems a bit more layed back about it than you are. That's... unpleasant. But if you feel she's making an effort then maybe ok. But to wait for her to be inspired by the holy spirit to come and see you, kind of sucks.