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The new and improved (?) George W. Bush

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  • The new and improved (?) George W. Bush



    WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush delighted an intimate gathering of White House dinner guests Monday, regaling the coterie of dignitaries, artists, and friends with a spirited, off-the-cuff discussion of the Roman poet Virgil's lesser-known works.

    "Ah, W. was in top form tonight," Spanish foreign minister Josep Pique Camps said. "We were all held captive by his erudition and charm. First, a brief history of the opium trade, then a bit of Brahms on the piano, then a rousing discussion of Virgil. That boy is a wonder, isn't he?"

    According to guests, the subject of Virgil arose serendipitously, when a servant opened a window in the Red Room, to which the group had retired for after-dinner drinks. Noticing the breeze, Bush raised his glass and delivered a toast to the changing of the seasons. He then apologized to "lovely Winter," explaining that he "meant no slight against her."

    "The first blush of Spring always reminds me of Virgil's words," Bush said. "In early spring-tide, when the icy drip / Melts from the mountains hoar, and Zephyr's breath / Unbinds the crumbling clod, even then 'tis time / Press deep your plough behind the groaning ox / And teach the furrow-burnished share to shine."

    "Book One of The Georgics, of course," Bush added.

    Bush arranged the small, informal dinner in honor of Camps' unexpected arrival in America.

    "It had been too long since I'd heard one of W.'s anecdotes, so I simply got on a plane," Camps said. "I showed up at his doorstep with a watercolor by Ignat Bednarik, whom I know he adores, just to make sure he'd let me in."

    Bush confessed that he has "long held a fascination with the classical world," noting that his love of Roman history influenced his decision to enter politics.

    "Virgil was born in the year 70 B.C.—let's see, that would be during the consulship of Gnaeus Pompeius The Great and Marcus Licinius Crassus, if I'm not mistaken," Bush said. "It is said that while Virgil's mother was with child, she dreamt she gave birth to a laurel branch, which, upon touching the ground, sprang up into a full-grown tree, its branches laden with ripe fruits and flowers. The next morning, she gave birth to Virgil. The legend goes that Virgil was born without crying, so mild was his countenance."

    According to White House regulars, it is not uncommon for Bush to engage guests in discussions of whatever subject strikes his fancy, from the symphony playing in the background to the history of a style of jewelry a guest happens to be wearing.

    "I love to hear George hold court on this or that," said Bush family friend and world-renowned physicist Norberta Münter. "I tell him he is such a spoiled brat, the way he demands our attention, but I must confess I can't take my eyes off him when he does."

    As the group sipped apple martinis and, in Bush's words, "recovered" from the Chilean sea bass, the president continued.

    "Most primarily associate Publius Vergilius Maro with The Aeneid," Bush told guests. "Yet so much pleasure is to be found in his lesser-known works—The Eclogues, completed in 37 B.C., and The Georgics, in 30 B.C., both of which praise the idyllic rural life."

    "You have to remember I'm a bit of a farm boy myself," chuckled Bush, referring to his 1,600-acre ranch in Crawford, TX.

    "The Bucolics are my personal favorite," Bush said. "They were basically a thank-you to Asinius Pollio for preventing the seizure of Virgil's land by the Triumvirate when they ordered the lands on the far banks of the river Po distributed to veterans of the victory at Philippi. They are so sublime, so inspirational. But why should I speak, when Virgil can do so himself? And far more eloquently, I might add."

    Bush then recited a selection from The Bucolics in the original Latin, pausing occasionally to translate into French out of respect for his friend Amélie du Maurier, a young Parisian concert violinist in attendance. Earlier in the evening, a blushing du Maurier admitted to Bush that she did not know Latin. Bush eased the young woman's embarrassment with a joke.

    "I wouldn't be surprised if your father forbade you from learning Latin, out of sheer distaste for res publica," said Bush, alluding to du Maurier's ancestors' place in the ousted French aristocracy.

    Despite urging from dinner guests to continue his Bucolics recitation, Bush declined.

    "I have already taken up far too much of your valuable time with my classical nattering," Bush said. "I dearly wish I could give you back this hour during which you so graciously indulged my dilettantism, but, as Plautus said, 'Factum est illud, fieri infectum non potest.' Done is done, it cannot be made undone."
    Let us be lazy in everything, except in loving and drinking, except in being lazy – Lessing

  • #2
    Hahahaha, oh sure, put the link to the Onion at the bottom of the OP.

    I was wondering where the cue cards could be hidden around the white house for a bit there.
    Resident Filipina Lady Boy Expert.

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    • #3
      All other things being equal, he would be an extremely popular President right now if he was like that. Even with the invasion of Irak.
      Let us be lazy in everything, except in loving and drinking, except in being lazy – Lessing

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      • #4
        With whom? The intelligentsia?

        Give me ol' dubya any day.
        Scouse Git (2) La Fayette Adam Smith Solomwi and Loinburger will not be forgotten.
        "Remember the night we broke the windows in this old house? This is what I wished for..."
        2015 APOLYTON FANTASY FOOTBALL CHAMPION!

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        • #5
          what are you talking about? He used crib notes on his hand.
          Despot-(1a) : a ruler with absolute power and authority (1b) : a person exercising power tyrannically
          Beyond Alpha Centauri-Witness the glory of Sheng-ji Yang
          *****Citizen of the Hive****
          "...but what sane person would move from Hawaii to Indiana?" -Dis

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          • #6
            All other things being equal, he would be an extremely popular President right now if he was like that. Even with the invasion of Irak.
            Perhaps, but I thought that Presidents who spoke that went out of style in the 1860s
            Resident Filipina Lady Boy Expert.

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            • #7
              Old hat. Still funny, though
              Visit The Frontier for all your geopolitical, historical, sci-fi, and fantasy forum gaming needs.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Ben Kenobi
                With whom? The intelligentsia?

                Give me ol' dubya any day.
                Yep, with the snobs who like that sort of Window dressing.
                Let us be lazy in everything, except in loving and drinking, except in being lazy – Lessing

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                • #9
                  Wanha
                  "Spirit merges with matter to sanctify the universe. Matter transcends to return to spirit. The interchangeability of matter and spirit means the starlit magic of the outermost life of our universe becomes the soul-light magic of the innermost life of our self." - Dennis Kucinich, candidate for the U. S. presidency
                  "That’s the future of the Democratic Party: providing Republicans with a number of cute (but not that bright) comfort women." - Adam Yoshida, Canada's gift to the world

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                  • #10

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Ninot

                      Perhaps, but I thought that Presidents who spoke that went out of style in the 1860s
                      you're probably right.
                      Let us be lazy in everything, except in loving and drinking, except in being lazy – Lessing

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                      • #12
                        Dubya's cut from a different cloth, and one that's more familiar to people than the caricature that you have here.

                        I have no problem with people who talk that way, it's just the general motivation behind these folks that bothers me.
                        Scouse Git (2) La Fayette Adam Smith Solomwi and Loinburger will not be forgotten.
                        "Remember the night we broke the windows in this old house? This is what I wished for..."
                        2015 APOLYTON FANTASY FOOTBALL CHAMPION!

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          My problem with most Onion articles is that they cease to be funny after the first one or two paragraphs, but to maintain the "joke newspaper" format they keep hammering away at the joke. Once you've skimmed the front page there's rarely any benefit to opening the articles.
                          <p style="font-size:1024px">HTML is disabled in signatures </p>

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                          • #14
                            In real news, this was the front page headline in the chicago tribune this morning. It took a second to realize it wasn't the Apolyton edition.

                            Shrub poisoned zoo monkeys



                            Yes, it's all Shrub's fault no matter how obscure.
                            It's almost as if all his overconfident, absolutist assertions were spoonfed to him by a trusted website or subreddit. Sheeple
                            RIP Tony Bogey & Baron O

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by rah
                              In real news, this was the front page headline in the chicago tribune this morning. It took a second to realize it wasn't the Apolyton edition.

                              Shrub poisoned zoo monkeys



                              Yes, it's all Shrub's fault no matter how obscure.
                              QFLOL!
                              Why can't you be a non-conformist just like everybody else?

                              It's no good (from an evolutionary point of view) to have the physique of Tarzan if you have the sex drive of a philosopher. -- Michael Ruse
                              The Nedaverse I can accept, but not the Berzaverse. There can only be so many alternate realities. -- Elok

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