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Good afternoon.
1. When e-mailing me your resume, it might be a good idea not to use your free e-mail account with the handle "Toker420." While I would like to interview you for the position, for some reason I suspect you would have difficulty passing our mandated drug testing. Call it a hunch.
2. Thank you for providing a number at which to reach you. However, when I called, the voice message I got consisted of you singing the entire "Penis Song" from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life. While I appreciate the chuckle, I was irritated at having to wait that long to leave a message. Resume circular filed.
3. It was kind of you to call and leave me that lengthy voicemail about your interest in the position. It was not so kind of you to wait until the very end of the message to leave your phone number, and even less kind to say it so fast that I had to replay the entire 5-minute message to hear it again. Or, at least would have, had I not decided to just delete it then and there. Do call again.
4. Thank you for sending us your resume. Even though our advertisement for the position clearly stated--several times--that 3 years prior experience was mandatory, it was cute of you to think we would be interested in your background, despite having 0 years experience. We await what futher antics you'll come up with next, you wascal.
5. It was a pleasure reviewing your resume submittal. That was primarily because it looked as if your resume was written by a preschooler who somehow got access to a computer and banged away randomly. We all had many laughs at it. I'd recommend using both the spelling and grammar check functions in Word, but then I would be depriving future HR people of a good deal of mirth.
6. Thank you for meeting with me the other day in reference to the _________ position with our company. While shaking your clammy, sweat-drenched hand was fun, the most enjoyable part was trying to wring even the slightest of multi-word phrases out of you in response to basic questions about your background. I particularly liked the indignant attitude you gave me when I inquired as to why you had left your previous job. I certainly think you would be smashing in our public relations department, should we ever decide to commit corporate hari-kari.
7. I regret to inform you that we have decided to terminate your position with our company. While in previous positions you held it might be acceptable to come in an hour late and leave an hour early every day, it is not accepted practice here. Call us draconian, but we also frown upon employees badging in and out of their office 17 times in one day and being unable to find, particularly when their position is a desk job with no reason to be doing so. Then, of course, there is the fact that you do exactly zero work, and are a contractor. I would also like to say that your dismissal isn't personal, but then of course I would be lying. Multiple people across several departments are doing a joyful jig now.
8. Thank you for sending me your resume yesterday. Thank you as well for the seven follow-up calls you placed to my office in the 24 hours following that submission. We do really like persistence. However, we don't really go for stalking. A single message left the day following would have been sufficient, but you had to go that extra mile! Speaking of miles, we'll see how many I can get worked into the restraining order, you psychotic loon.
9. I appreciate your faxing your resume to me. In this day and age, wherein faxing resumes instead of e-mailing them is considered archaic, you took a risk at being called old-fashioned. That takes guts. However, you also failed to differentiate between our voice and fax numbers, so for about a half hour today we got an ear-piercing shriek over the phone once every two minutes. I would love to bring you in for an interview, primarily so I may jam a pencil into your ear repeatedly.
10. Thank you for send--oh **** it, why mince words? Your resume is crap, you have zero relevant experience, your positions have been successively weaker over the years and have lasted no longer than 8 months, your degree is from a well-known diploma mill and you mispelled my name on your cover letter.
However, I see you are applying for a position as a communications manager.
Could you interview next Tuesday?
1. When e-mailing me your resume, it might be a good idea not to use your free e-mail account with the handle "Toker420." While I would like to interview you for the position, for some reason I suspect you would have difficulty passing our mandated drug testing. Call it a hunch.
2. Thank you for providing a number at which to reach you. However, when I called, the voice message I got consisted of you singing the entire "Penis Song" from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life. While I appreciate the chuckle, I was irritated at having to wait that long to leave a message. Resume circular filed.
3. It was kind of you to call and leave me that lengthy voicemail about your interest in the position. It was not so kind of you to wait until the very end of the message to leave your phone number, and even less kind to say it so fast that I had to replay the entire 5-minute message to hear it again. Or, at least would have, had I not decided to just delete it then and there. Do call again.
4. Thank you for sending us your resume. Even though our advertisement for the position clearly stated--several times--that 3 years prior experience was mandatory, it was cute of you to think we would be interested in your background, despite having 0 years experience. We await what futher antics you'll come up with next, you wascal.
5. It was a pleasure reviewing your resume submittal. That was primarily because it looked as if your resume was written by a preschooler who somehow got access to a computer and banged away randomly. We all had many laughs at it. I'd recommend using both the spelling and grammar check functions in Word, but then I would be depriving future HR people of a good deal of mirth.
6. Thank you for meeting with me the other day in reference to the _________ position with our company. While shaking your clammy, sweat-drenched hand was fun, the most enjoyable part was trying to wring even the slightest of multi-word phrases out of you in response to basic questions about your background. I particularly liked the indignant attitude you gave me when I inquired as to why you had left your previous job. I certainly think you would be smashing in our public relations department, should we ever decide to commit corporate hari-kari.
7. I regret to inform you that we have decided to terminate your position with our company. While in previous positions you held it might be acceptable to come in an hour late and leave an hour early every day, it is not accepted practice here. Call us draconian, but we also frown upon employees badging in and out of their office 17 times in one day and being unable to find, particularly when their position is a desk job with no reason to be doing so. Then, of course, there is the fact that you do exactly zero work, and are a contractor. I would also like to say that your dismissal isn't personal, but then of course I would be lying. Multiple people across several departments are doing a joyful jig now.
8. Thank you for sending me your resume yesterday. Thank you as well for the seven follow-up calls you placed to my office in the 24 hours following that submission. We do really like persistence. However, we don't really go for stalking. A single message left the day following would have been sufficient, but you had to go that extra mile! Speaking of miles, we'll see how many I can get worked into the restraining order, you psychotic loon.
9. I appreciate your faxing your resume to me. In this day and age, wherein faxing resumes instead of e-mailing them is considered archaic, you took a risk at being called old-fashioned. That takes guts. However, you also failed to differentiate between our voice and fax numbers, so for about a half hour today we got an ear-piercing shriek over the phone once every two minutes. I would love to bring you in for an interview, primarily so I may jam a pencil into your ear repeatedly.
10. Thank you for send--oh **** it, why mince words? Your resume is crap, you have zero relevant experience, your positions have been successively weaker over the years and have lasted no longer than 8 months, your degree is from a well-known diploma mill and you mispelled my name on your cover letter.
However, I see you are applying for a position as a communications manager.
Could you interview next Tuesday?
They all ****ing want X years of experience. I don't have any ****ing experience, so how the hell can I get any? I have plenty of knowledge from the excellent education I followed as well as the time I spent on it in my spare time. I'm a dedicated worker and a fast learner. I'm absolutely positively sure that I can be more valuable than many who do have the experience but apparently got fired last time 'round since they're looking for a job right now. If that's not good enough for you, then **** you! At least I tried.
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