comfort

[boann]

ive been on my own before.
most of the time i do ok... i can support myself and the kids... my oldest son is 18 and already told me hes there for me and is looking for a part time job to help out.

i met this guy at the last place i worked...he pursued me for a couple of years before i went out with him.
weve been together 10 years and have a daughter.
hes your typical NICE guy person.
hes no rocket scientist but hes really a good hearted man and i think most of the time is good to me.
he has a nasty temper that hes worked on and improved some. just a regular guy....
one of the things i liked about him was that i didn't think he played mind games with me ... he just doesn't come across as a manipulating or controling person .
but im beginning to wonder if its just more hidden.

[boann]

when i started this thread it was my third night alone and its the nights i have the trouble with... when you are used to having someone sleeping next to you for so many years.... theres just this huge void that is worse at night i think.
i mean you just miss that warmth and comfort that comes from someone being there at night.
when you have nightmares or just feel alone all you have to do is slide your leg or hand over and touch them and it just feels like its ok...... maybe thats just a woman thing...

[chequita guevara]

It's only got two hundred views, and thirty posts (including this one). I think one of the reasons people may not be saying anything is that they just kinda look at the thread title and think it's just a fluff piece and move on. I did, until I was bored enough to look inside.

You're not alone, you have friends here. These are people who help each other out, and they'll help you out too.

Dr. S isn't teasing you, he's giving you good advice. Getting it off your chest will help you feel it (which as painful as that may be, needs to be done). It will help you to begin to deal with the betrayal. It will help you remember why you need to be strong.

But maybe you should just write it down to yourself, if you don't want to put your personal business out there for the whole world to see, and I can understand that. Even though he is the one that betrayed you, betrayal can make people feel foolish and ashamed.

A lot of people aren't saying anything because they feel it would be trite. When nothing you can say will make it any better, you feel helpless and stupid for making the obvious comment. (Everyone: just say something, so Boann knows she isn't alone.) A lot of folks aren't in any way prepared to deal with something like this.

You will survive, it will get better, you don't need him. You do need friends and family. Don't be afriad to lean on them. You'll learn who your true friends and family are.

[chequita guevara]

Originally posted by boann
when you are used to having someone sleeping next to you for so many years.... theres just this huge void that is worse at night i think.

Try sleeping on the couch. Get all your comfort items and move into the living room. When there's only room for one person, there's no void.

[FrustratedPoet]

Now I'm almost starting to like the guy. I hate it when people shatter my comfortable little prejudices.

Only you know what you might gain by taking him back, and what you might lose by telling him to go.

Don't make any decision too quickly, but when you do make up your mind 100% be sure to make it absolutely clear to him how you feel.

Anyone can make a mistake, but since this is not the first time he's cheated I'm sure you realise the chances of him doing it again if you take him back are pretty high.

(PS. It sounds like you did a great job raising your son. )

[Dr Strangelove]

Originally posted by boann
well you can all answer this one question for me then

why does a person cheat ?
why do they if they say they don't love the other person?
why would they risk everything for someone they don't love and say they still love the one they hurt?
why would they do it over and over and still expect to be forgiven ?

is it because society as a whole doesn't seem to think it matters and that its ok?

More importantly we should ask why this particular individual cheated. Maybe he doesn't really know what love is, maybe he has a problem with impulse control, maybe he has a problem with realistically anticipating the consequences of his actions.

Does this guy have "Peter Pan Syndrome"? Sometimes the boyish spontaneity that seems so attractive and invigorating really boils down to immaturity.

[FrustratedPoet]

Originally posted by boann
maybe thats just a woman thing...

No, I think men feel like that too. (at least ... I do)

[boann]

Originally posted by MichaeltheGreat


Amazing the ability some people have to summon tears on command. Did you ever see Jimmy Swaggart's "Forgive me, ah have sinnnnnned" sermon on TV?

It's like a two-year old with a cookie, but two-year olds don't have malice, just a limited ability to negotiate for what they want. The adult version has no excuse.

yeah i saw that...
hes a putz.... gawd...

[MichaeltheGreat]

Originally posted by boann
one of the things i liked about him was that i didn't think he played mind games with me ... he just doesn't come across as a manipulating or controling person .
but im beginning to wonder if its just more hidden.

The really good ones conceal it well, or they wouldn't be really good, but the thing is, trying to figure him and his motivations out keeps you focusing on him, not you.

The nights thing is why I said get a dog (or a cat) - even a little four-legged source of body heat is nice, and so is the pretty much unconditional love (though they tend to be more loving when fed )

And no, it's not a woman thing - look at babies with their stuffed animals.

[boann]

Originally posted by Dr Strangelove


More importantly we should ask why this particular individual cheated. Maybe he doesn't really know what love is, maybe he has a problem with impulse control, maybe he has a problem with realistically anticipating the consequences of his actions.

Does this guy have "Peter Pan Syndrome"? Sometimes the boyish spontaneity that seems so attractive and invigorating really boils down to immaturity.

yes he is and im sure this is most of the problem.
but should i keep on forgiving him .
it makes me feel like an enablier... and it makes me feel used and taken for granted

[boann]

Originally posted by FrustratedPoet


No, I think men feel like that too. (at least ... I do)

[chequita guevara]

Originally posted by boann
but should i keep on forgiving him.

Only if you're willing to live with a cheater. Having gotten away with it twice, he's unlikely to stop now. If you can accept the fact that he's going to be unfaithful and you still want him, then take him back. If fidelity and a lack of STDs is something you value more than having a warm body next to you, then give his arguments the hand.

[boann]

Originally posted by MichaeltheGreat


The really good ones conceal it well, or they wouldn't be really good, but the thing is, trying to figure him and his motivations out keeps you focusing on him, not you.

The nights thing is why I said get a dog (or a cat) - even a little four-legged source of body heat is nice, and so is the pretty much unconditional love (though they tend to be more loving when fed )

And no, it's not a woman thing - look at babies with their stuffed animals.

well i was thinking of getting a dog for my daughter for christmas before all this came up again.
and then i put it off because i just didn't know if i would have to move out to an apartment or not.

[boann]

Originally posted by chegitz guevara


Only if you're willing to live with a cheater. Having gotten away with it twice, he's unlikely to stop now. If you can accept the fact that he's going to be unfaithful and you still want him, then take him back. If fidelity and a lack of STDs is something you value more than having a warm body next to you, then give his arguments the hand.

thats just it....i don't want to live with a cheater.
and i value myself enough that i know i deserve
better than that. and i can learn to deal with the
nights over time ... ive done it before...
the first month is the hardest...
i don't want just a warm body....i want a warm heart that loves only me.
i don't think thats too much to ask.

[chequita guevara]

The love isn't the problem. Lots of people can boink people without emotions never entering the picture. I believe your ex when he says he didn't love her, he was using her. That's irrelevent. He was putting you at risk. He will continue to put you at risk. How do you think housewives get AIDS? He could have killed you. You need to stay furious.