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With the amount of concern seen here over the draft, and the potential of war with Iraq, I thought this might be useful. David Floyd, I hope you are planning on printing this out:
Ten Ways Not To Feel the Draft
With Congress telling Bush he can now have reason for those G. I. Joe bedsheets, we thought it was a good idea to review the best ways to be a cowardly bastard and not have to fight against our enemies—whoever they are this week:
Be White – Can’t stress this enough. It’s quick, it’s easy and it works. If Vietnam taught us one thing it’s that white people only serve as narrators in Oliver Stone movies.
Do Ask, Do Tell – Remember, "homo" means home-free. We suggest thinking about Anna Nicole Smith during your military physical, you know, before she was vomit-inducing. When it comes to military exemptions, your woody is as good as a wooden leg.
Flatter Yourself – Flat feet are a must this fashion season. If your feet have an arch, don’t worry, think rock hammer and take it one little piggy at a time.
Call Everyone 'Comrade' – The Communist thing is still a little touchy around the good ‘Ol US of A so it should keep you artillery-free. Try words like "Glasnost" and "Perestroika" on for size. Ask where Yakov Smirnoff is. And bang your shoe on a table when you're excited. We know you want to.
Have a Vagina – Being a woman seems to be a great way to get out of active duty. We’d tell you how to become one, but they’re as much a mystery to us as the appeal of "8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter".
Join Al Qaeda – It sure seemed like an extreme measure, but John Lindh won’t be drafted. Of course he will also get raped so many times in prison that it will be more accurate to call his ******* a "holeass."
Can You Say Canada? – We know hockey isn’t exactly your dish but neither is shrapnel where your nipple ring used to be. Just remember Chesterfield is something you sit on and not something you smoke, ya' hoser.
Go Nuts – You know how you used to be known as the crazy guy at parties who had the lampshade on his head? Eat the lampshade this time. Yes, a straightjacket might seem uncomfortable, but a zipped up bodybag is downright suffocating.
Love The Learnin' - Remember when you thought that Master's Film Degree was impractical? College exemptions are the perfect gift to give yourself this Holiday Fighting Season. Hey, you can either watch "The Thin Red Line" or live it. Actually, that flick might make you choose the combat thing.
Be Rich – Okay, "Be White" kind of covered this.
With Congress telling Bush he can now have reason for those G. I. Joe bedsheets, we thought it was a good idea to review the best ways to be a cowardly bastard and not have to fight against our enemies—whoever they are this week:
Be White – Can’t stress this enough. It’s quick, it’s easy and it works. If Vietnam taught us one thing it’s that white people only serve as narrators in Oliver Stone movies.
Do Ask, Do Tell – Remember, "homo" means home-free. We suggest thinking about Anna Nicole Smith during your military physical, you know, before she was vomit-inducing. When it comes to military exemptions, your woody is as good as a wooden leg.
Flatter Yourself – Flat feet are a must this fashion season. If your feet have an arch, don’t worry, think rock hammer and take it one little piggy at a time.
Call Everyone 'Comrade' – The Communist thing is still a little touchy around the good ‘Ol US of A so it should keep you artillery-free. Try words like "Glasnost" and "Perestroika" on for size. Ask where Yakov Smirnoff is. And bang your shoe on a table when you're excited. We know you want to.
Have a Vagina – Being a woman seems to be a great way to get out of active duty. We’d tell you how to become one, but they’re as much a mystery to us as the appeal of "8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter".
Join Al Qaeda – It sure seemed like an extreme measure, but John Lindh won’t be drafted. Of course he will also get raped so many times in prison that it will be more accurate to call his ******* a "holeass."
Can You Say Canada? – We know hockey isn’t exactly your dish but neither is shrapnel where your nipple ring used to be. Just remember Chesterfield is something you sit on and not something you smoke, ya' hoser.
Go Nuts – You know how you used to be known as the crazy guy at parties who had the lampshade on his head? Eat the lampshade this time. Yes, a straightjacket might seem uncomfortable, but a zipped up bodybag is downright suffocating.
Love The Learnin' - Remember when you thought that Master's Film Degree was impractical? College exemptions are the perfect gift to give yourself this Holiday Fighting Season. Hey, you can either watch "The Thin Red Line" or live it. Actually, that flick might make you choose the combat thing.
Be Rich – Okay, "Be White" kind of covered this.
Result: He weighed in below the acceptable minimum.
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