Post your jokes here!

[Lemmy]

damn it...you got me all excited for nothing

[rah]

> > Side Effects of Beer
> > Recent Medical Research Results
> >
> > Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should
> > take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of
> > a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones
> > in beer.
> >
> > The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To
> > test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was
> > then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked
> > excessively without making sense, became overly emotional,
> > couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing,
> > and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

[rah]

Three Labrador retrievers -- one brown, one yellow and one
black were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when
they struck up a conversation.

The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So, why are you
here?"

The brown lab replied, "I'm a marker. I mark everything -- the
sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was
last night when I marked in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab.
"All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why
are you here?"

The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up
flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside,
I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I
dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.

"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why
are you at the vet's office?"

"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump
the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to
hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out
of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just
couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and just started
humping away."

The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
"So, Prozac for you too, huh?"

The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

[Sarxis]

Originally posted by Lemmy
damn it...you got me all excited for nothing

Heh. ok..

Knock knock..

[Juggernaut]

I'm not a big fan of 'funny stories', so I'll post my fav Late Show Top Ten instead.

Top Ten Signs You're At A Lame New Year's Eve Party


10. To give it a Times Square feel, everyone is groped, fondled and pick-pocketed

9. "Party hats" look suspiciously like stolen traffic cones

8. "Ball drop" at midnight consists of a trick your Uncle Earl does when he's loaded

7. "Champagne" really apple juice mixed with Alka Seltzer

6. You notice a "Happy 1999" tag on the package of shrimp you've been eating all night

5. The host kicks everyone out at 11:58 so he can go to bed

4. The only guests are you and Richard Simmons, and guess who wants a New Year's Eve kiss?

3. The Amish can do many things well, but throwing parties ain't one of them

2. It's just you and a dozen Mullahs in a cave

1. It's held in March

[Lemmy]

who's there?

[Stefu]

Little boy goes to his mother and asks:

"Mom, is the God male or female?"

Mother thinks furiously and answers:

"Well... neither, really."

Boy is apparently satisfied, goes back to play, then returns and asks:

"Mom, is the God black or white?"

"Well... neither, really."

Boy is again satisfied and goes back to play... but soon returns and asks:

"Mom, is the God gay or straight?"

"Well... neither, really."

Boy goes back to play, plays for some time, then returns and asks:

"Mom... is God Michael Jackson?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

There's this nunnery with 100 nuns. One day, the head nun gathers all the nuns and announces:

"Something terrible has happened! Today, I found a condom!"

99 nuns go "Ooooh!"
1 nun goes "Ha ha!"

"And the condom had been used!"

99 nuns go "Ooooh!"
1 nun goes "Ha ha!"

"And the condom had a hole in it!"

1 nun goes "Ooooh!"
99 nuns go "Ha ha!"

[Winston]

The Pope was going for a trip in the countryside in his popemobile. At a road crossing, he collided with another vehicle, driven by a lawyer on his way to a meeting. Both the Pope and the lawyer were killed in the accident.

They arrived together at the pearly gates, and Saint Peter let them both in and they were led to their respective quarters.

The lawyer found himselfed installed in a palace decorated with beautiful art and with servants to tend to his every need. The Pope was put in a cell-like compartment with just a matress and a sink. No windows or anything.

After a couple of days, he met the lawyer again who told him how happy he was that he got to live in a palace and how extravagant it was.

The Pope then went to Saint Peter and complained: "Why does this lawyer live in a palace, while I, the Pope, who has led a sin-free life and served Jesus in everything I did has to live in a crummy cell with no furniture or windows?"

Saint Peter explained: "It's very simple, really. You see, you may be the Pope, but we have over two hundred Popes here already. Now the other guy, he's the first lawyer we ever had."

[Stefu]

The Pope was going for a trip in the countryside in his popemobile.

POPEMOBILE!!!!!!!!

POPEPOPEPOPEPOPEPOPEPOPE!!!!!!!!!!

[Ignorance]

Few puns and similar word trickery:

Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: Fsh.
--
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but cellophane underwear. The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says,
"I can clearly see you're nuts."
--
Two fish are sitting in a tank, and one turns to the other and says,
"Do you know how to drive this thing?"
--
Once there was a really big dog show, and everyone wanted to enter their dog into it. So everybody taught their dogs to do tricks and combed their fur so they were as beautiful as possible.

When the day of the dog show came the field where it was to be held was full of beautiful dogs, except for Billy's dog, it was huge and ugly and hairy. In fact, it didn't look much like a dog at all.

The people in charge examined the dogs as the dogs' masters made them do tricks. When all of the masters gave their dogs the command to stand on ther hind legs, Billy would give his 'dog' the command and it would stand on its hind legs. Then the dogs would all play dead and the beast would also play dead.

After the beast hopped through a flaming ring, a judge approached Billy and said, "I'm sorry Billy, but I have my doubts that this is indeed a dog."

"No, I guess you caught me, this isn't a dog." Billy replied.

"Well, what did you hope to prove by entering something that isn't a dog in a dog show?"

"That you can teach an old gnu dog tricks"
--
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No eye deer.
--
Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot
--
Two hats are sitting on a rack, and one turns to the other and says,
"You stay here, I'm going on ahead."
--
Q: What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
A: Dam.
--
Q: What happens when a cow jumps over a fence but doesn't quite make it over?
A: Utter destruction.
--
Jerry Bruckheimer decides to make an action movie based on the lives of classical musicians. (work with me here). So he's auditioning several action stars and asking them which roles they'd like to play. Jerry asks Bruce Willis, and Bruce says, "I've always admired Vivaldi, can I play him?" and Jerry's like, "Sure." Then Jerry asks Sly Stallone who he'd like to play and Sly's like, "Yo, how 'bout Mozart?" and Jerry's like, "Ok, I think we can make that work." So then Jerry asks Arnold Schwartzenegger who he wants to play and Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."
--
There was a big break in at the Louvre Museum in Paris, but the theives were captured because their get-away vehicle, a van, couldn't get going before the police arrived. The police captain asked the head of the criminal band what was wrong with their get-away van and the thief replies, "We did not have enought Monet to get Degas to make the Van Gogh."
--
Q: What do you call it when two oxen collide?
A: oxident
--
A man walks into a bar carrying a piece of asphalt under one arm and says, "Bartender, gimme a beer and one for the road!"
--
Q: What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac?
A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.
--
A very big bear walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a.............beer."
Bartender says, "What's with the large pause?"

[Jaguar]

Two muffins are in a toaster. One screams "Aaah!! We're gonna die!! Save me!"

The second says, in a voice quavering with fear, "Aaah!! A talking muffin!!"

[Tingkai]

Three ducks waddle into a bar and hop up onto the bar stools. One of the ducks reaches underneath a wing and with his bill, pulls out a wad of cash, puts it on the bar and says "Two beers and a scotch for my friend at the end."

The bartender thinks this is pretty weird, but figures what they hell, they've got money.

As he pours a beer, he says to the first duck: "We don't get many ducks in this bar. Lots of penguins, but not many ducks. My name's Bill by the way. What's your name?"

The duck says: "My name is Huey."

"Nice to meet you Huey, how was your day?" the bartender says.

"Of it was great. I spent the day slipping and sliding in and out of puddles," Huey says.

"That's nice," the bartender says and then he starts to pour a beer for the second duck.

My name's Bill. What's your name?"

The duck says: "My name is Louie."

"Nice to meet you Louie, how was your day?" the bartender says.

"Of it was great. I spent the day slipping and sliding in and out of puddles," Louie says.

The bartender goes to the third duck and grabs a bottle of scotch.

"Make it a double," the third duck says.

"Okay," the bartender says. "My name's Bill by the way and let me guess, your name is Dewey and you've had a great day slipping and sliding in and out of puddles."

The third duck takes the scotch, slugs it back, and then says, "No, my name is Puddles and I've had a really, really bad day."

[Jules]

Humorous spam mail:
--------------------------------
"Hello, my name is Billy Evans. I am a very sick little
boy. My mother is typing this for me because I can't.
She is crying. The reason she is so sad is because I'm
so sick. I was born without a body. It doesn't hurt,
except when I try to breathe. The doctors gave me an
artificial body. It is a burlap bag filled with
leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could
do on account of us having no money or insurance. I
would like to have a body transplant, but we need more
money. Mommy doesn't work because she said nobody
hires crying people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and
she hugged my burlap bag. Mommy always gives me hugs,
even though she's allergic to burlap and it makes her
sneeze and chafes her real bad.

I hope you will help me. You can help me if you
forward this e-mail to everyone you know. Forward it
to people you don't know, too. Dr. Johansensteiner
said that for every person you forward this e-mail to,
Bill Gates will team up with AOL and send a nickel to
NASA. With that funding, NASA will collect prayers
from school children all over America and have the
astronauts take them up into space so that the angels
can hear them better. They will then come back to
earth and go to the Pope. He will take up a collection
in church and send all the money to the doctors. The
doctors could help me get better then. Maybe one day I
will be able to play baseball; right now I can only be
third base.

Every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can
take more prayers to the angels and my dream will be
closer to coming true. Please help me! Mommy is so
sad, and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot
before I turn 10. If you don't forward this e-mail,
that's okay. Mommy says you're a mean, rotten and
heartless bastard who doesn't care about a poor little
boy with only a head. She says that if you don't stew
in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she
hopes you die a long, slow, horrible death and then
burn forever in hell! What kind of cruel person are
you that you can't take five freakin' minutes to
forward this to all your friends so that they can feel
guilt and shame about ignoring a poor, bodiless nine
year old boy?

Please help me. I try to be happy, but it's hard. I
wish I had a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty. I
wish I could hold a kitty that wouldn't chew on me and
try to bury its turds in the leaves of my burlap body.
I wish that very much!

Thank you,
Billy 'Smiley' Evans"
--------------------------------

Enjoy!

[Zeevico]

AHEM:

Cows and Politics

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. You have to take care of them, but the
government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have 2 cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. The government fines you for
illegally keeping 2 unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull which you use to
breed to the other cow. Then you create a great website and start offering
to export sperm from the bull to anyone and everyone, especially including
emerging markets, over the internet. After a few weeks, your company
completes its IPO on NASDAQ, and a few brokerage firms start coverage with a
strong buy rating for this wonderful new internet stock. Your stock zooms
from the $0.10 per share initial offering price to $110, when you sell. The
stock plummets back to $0.10 a few months later when the dopes who bought it
realise that your business has no earnings and never will, despite the
internet connection. Several law firms and the SEC bring various civil and
criminal actions against the company, all of the officers and directors and
(of course) you under various fraud theories. You quickly settle the civil
cases so the lawyers get paid, but you still have plenty stashed away. You
plead nolo in the SEC case, and you are sentenced to 10 years in prison, of
which you actually serve 7 weeks. When you come out, you can't resist the
temptation to buy 2 chickens. Then...

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to your
publicly-listed compny, using letters of credit opened by your
brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an
associated general offer so that you can get all 4 cows back, with a tax
deduction for keeping 5 cows. The milk rights of 6 cows are then transferred
via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by
the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all 7 cows' milk back to
the listed company and proceeds from the sales are deferred. The annual
report says that the company owns 8 cows, with an option on 1 more.
Meanwhile, you kill the 2 cows because of the bad feng shui.

TRUE DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. Your neighbours vote for someone
to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you 2 cows if you vote
for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in
cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go
mad. The government does nothing.

BUREAUCRACY: You have 2 cows. At first the government regulates what you can
feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them.
After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk
down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the
missing cows.

FEMINISM: You have 2 cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have 2 cows. The government takes them and denies they
ever existed. Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership"
is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongerish, intolerant past) 2
differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified
gender.

SURREALISM: You have 2 giraffes. The government requires you to take
harmonica lessons.

[Sirotnikov]

Full Cows Text
Cows and Politics


FEUDALISM:
You have two cows. The lord of the manor takes some of the milk. And all the cream.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

SOCIALISM: You have two cows, give one to your neighbor.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Give them to the government. The government gives you milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them,and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

FASCISM: You have two cows. Give the milk to the government.

PURE FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

NAZISM: The government shoots you, takes the cows and feeds one to the army and the other to the police.

ANARCHISM: Keep the cows. Steal a few more cows.

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

CONSERVATISM: Milk the cows, enbalm the cows, freeze the milk, nuke the cows to keep from spreading the disease. Phase out over five years the amount of milk you're required to give to the government.

LIBERALISM: Give the milk back to the cows. Let them escape. Put the cows on the Voter Registration list.

LIBERTARIANISM: Milk the cows and keep it for yourself; hope the populace can find milk elsewhere.

MILITIAISM: Start shooting if they come for your cows.

MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". The cows are set free.

BRITISH TORY DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

BRITISH LABOR DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep brains and they go mad. The government gives you compensation for your diseased cows, compensation for your lost income, a grant not to use your fields for anything else. And tells the public not to worry.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallocentric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk!

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull OR you slaughter the cows & compete with McDonalds.

GLOBALIZATION: You have two cows. You lay one off, force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when it drops dead.

DOT COM CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull which you use to breed to the other cow. Then you create a great website and start offering to export sperm from the bull to anyone and everyone, especially including emerging markets, over the internet. After a few weeks, your company completes its IPO on NASDAQ, and a few brokerage firms start coverage with a strong buy rating for this wonderful new internet stock. Your stock zooms from the $0.10 per share initial offering price to $110, when you sell. The stock plummets back to $0.10 a few months later when the dopes who bought it realise that your business has no earnings and never will, despite the internet connection. Several law firms and the SEC bring various civil and criminal actions against the company, all of the officers and directors and (of course) you under various fraud theories. You quickly settle the civil cases so the lawyers get paid, but you still have plenty stashed away. You plead nolo in the SEC case, and you are sentenced to 10 years in prison, of which you actually serve 7 weeks. When you come out, you can't resist the temptation to buy 2 chickens. Then...

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.