Post your jokes here!

[Cavalcadeus]

Salt trucks spread salt on the road in the winter to melt ice.

[Immortal Wombat]

[Kassiopeia]

Originally posted by -=Vagrant=-
Oh really?

Two basists walk past a bar...

Wasn't that funny?

It's OK, it just takes a while to understand it. At least from me.

[CapitanGarlic]

First, a Tom Swifty.

"Take the criminal downstairs!" Tom said condescendingly.

and now:

Three men work at a high-rise construction site; an Irishman, a Mexican, and a redneck. Every day, they sit down together on the top scaffoldings and have lunch.

One day, the Irishman opened his lunch and started cursing. "Every day! Every day my wife packs me sourkraut! And I hate it! I swear to God, if I get sourkraut again tomorrow, I'm gonna kill myself!"

The other two look at him, and open their lunches. The Mexican looks at his, and also begins cursing. "All the time, my wife packs me enchiladas for lunch, and I'm getting sick of it! If I get enchiladas again tomorrow, I'm gonna kill myself as well!"

And then the redneck: "Always ham and cheese sandwiches! If I get another ham and cheese sandwich, I'm killing myself with you two!"

So the next day rolls around. The Irisman opens his lunch, and of course it is sourkraut. He jumps off the building and kills himself.

The Mexican opens his lunch. It's enchiladas, and so he jumps off and kills himself.

The redneck opens his lunch, sees that it is ham and cheese, and also jumps to his death.

At the funeral, the three wives are crying together. The Irishman's wife wails "He never told me! If he had only told me that he hated sourkraut, I never would have packed it for him!"

The Mexican's wife: "He never once said that he didn't like my enchiladas! If he had told me, I would have made something different!"

The Irishman and Mexican's wives look at the redneck's wife. She gives them a confused look and said: "Don't look at me, he packed his own lunch."

yuk, yuk, yuk

[Sirotnikov]

I never got the salt truck too, but was shy of asking.

Thanks IW

[Ecthy]

Ignorance

Zopperoni

Garlic

[Pekka]

ok this is not good but anyway...:

Old lady went to super market and went to the meat section. She wanted to buy some sausages.
Old lady: Gimme a.. hmm.. 16 inch sausage please.
boy: sure thing... do you want it sliced and ready?

Then the old lady pulls up her skirt and says 'Does this look like a god damn cd-player to you, boy?'

[Winston]

Zopper, that one with the intercom takes the prize.

[Skanky Burns]

Paranoid Club meeting this Friday. Now ... just try to find out where!

Stolen from the quotes...

[Adalbertus]

Oh, no! A light bulb joke!!!

Here we go:
How many brass players do you need to replace a light bulb?
Three. One to hold the bulb and two who drink until the room revolves.

********************************************

For you history geeks:
A fisherman catches a big fish. The fish starts to talk and says: "I'm not a normal fish but an enchanted prince. If you leave me free you'll have three wishes granted."
The fisherman sets the fish/prince back to the pond and wishes to be young again, to have a nice beautiful wife and to be the heir of a big empire.
He falls asleep and wakes in a big comfortable bed by the sound of the gentle voice of a beautiful lady: "Come on, Ferdinand, we'll have to go to Sarajevo".

[Skanky Burns]

Some "true" stories:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!".
The silence was deafening, after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing that I heard as the door closed behind me were the screams of laughter.

It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled "surprise". My entire family, ... aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the public address system and boomed out for all the store to hear. "PRICE CHECK ON LANE 13 TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks". In a very business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the public address system:
DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU BELT IN WITH A HAMMER?"

This one happened at a major Australian University in October last year. In a biology lecture, a professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female freshman, raised her hand and asked, "If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?" "That's correct." responded the professor, going on to add some statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books, and without a word walked out of the class, and never returned. However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight-faced, he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat!"

[Ignorance]

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

[change 18 to your local old-enough-to-legally-have-sex-age if it doesn't make sense]

[Ecthy]

Skanky Burns. Your first story implies you're a woman, the second story implies you're a man. Decide!

[Skanky Burns]

They aren't about me.
They are jokes told in the first-person.

[Ecthy]

But you called them true stories.

But in that case, they're not even funny.

Get some humour perspective