Bisexual?

[Sikander]

Originally posted by Kamrat X


Yes, I bet Bodds would love John Majors hand up his ass

I knew he was a Muppet!

[Sikander]

An interesting thread. I wonder where all of this fits into people's world views regarding how one's sexuality is determined? Those who believe that heterosexuality, homosexuality and bisexuality are probably genetically determined have a good case that ruling out a particular type who otherwise would be a fine choice for a partner is akin to racism on some level. For those people who like me think that one's sexual preference has a lot more to do with their experiences than their genetics, then refusing to date a bisexual is more akin to refusing to date a heavy drinker. It's the behavioral issues that are the worry.

You can prefer people of a certain race, and almost no one will call you a bigot. You can state that preference and still very few people will call you a bigot. When you say that you will not date someone of a certain race, you are opening the floodgates. This is pretty reasonable really. Many of us have not been attracted to a certain type of person, and never saw ourselves ever being so. But through the mystery of fate sometimes we end up falling in love with those types of people we never thought we would go for. This is not uncommon. But it is almost impossible to get to this point if you have pre-programmed yourself by repeating your mantra "I will never date a ____." This is what is probably offensive to others, the fact that you are closing off any possibility of connecting with the person who may well be your soul mate because of factors that have little to nothing to do with the matter.

All that said, I tend to agree with those who say they have a right to choose whatever sort of partner they wish. Damn straight. (Perhaps that's not the best phrase there!) I tend to avoid alchoholics for similar reasons, though I'm pretty careful not to rule anything out completely. Still, I prefer to not start a relationship which is going to have a lot of immediate baggage. I assume that for some people dating a bisexual is a similar undertaking, frought with worries about longterm compatability and / or whether the person has the capability to commit themselves to the relationship to the same extent. These are completely valid concerns, though they remain valid whether or not the person you are deciding upon is bisexual or not. It's probably a mistake to make completely blanket categorizations ahead of time, in part because you may actually miss out on something wonderful, and in part because this thread has shown that it is hurtful to hear that people totally dismiss people in your category (I'm an over 40 chain smoker with halitosis myself) out of hand. There is no more important area in your life to be discriminating about than your choice of partners, but perhaps a bit of discretion is called for when discussing your checklist in public.

[Rand Al'Tor]

Hmmm, perhaps Mr. Fun and Monkspider should for an organization of People Choosing Not to Have a Relationship With Bisexual People But Have no Problem With Them Really.

As in the other thread, I am with you guys on this. "I would have trouble having a comfortable relationship with..." is somethiong ENTIRELY else then "... are all..." The latter is a judgement of an entire heap of people (prejudice) the former is merely a judgement of one's own tastes. I mean, people are attracted to other people for the most inane and pointles reasons, sexuality (as in bisexual or no) included. It is no more reasonable to choose NOT to have a relation with someone because (s)he likes R&B, even IF she swears she will never listen to it again.

Though Sikander has a point. If you would switch 'I'd never...' with 'I can't imagine myself attracted (for long term relationship) to...' it'd probably be much less controoversial.

I'm generally with the whole everyone potentially bisexual. I usually compare it with tastes in vegetables. I don't know why, but I've grown up with a like for spinash and a hatred for chicory. The mere smell of chicory is enough to dampen my eating pleasure. Will I say that it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to EVER like chicory? No. For one, there was a time when I hated almost all vegetables like that, and I have learned to appreciate a lot of other tastes. And, purely from a 'sexual atraction POV' (I think love is an entirely different discussion) it is very well possible that in the right circumstances I'd get some Yaoi action. Heck, I think I dislike the idea of eating chicory more then I dislike the idea of blowing someone or such.

of course, perhaps I'm just a chicoryphobe and am actually sexually attracted to chicory

No wait, that can't be right.

As for my personal preference. I don't think i'd have a problem with a bisexual girl.

[chrono353]

well my whole life i think i am homosexual. ever since i was 15 i knew or so i knew somthing was not kosher. i did not really feel attracted to girls at that point. tho before that i seem to be attracted to women. anyway i went through my life keeping this to myself. when i moved out i made it clear to my folks there only child would not give them any grandchildren so i warned them abot the whole thing . they didnt like it and we rarely speak about the issue.

let me get to the point here. i was settling down with my life and at peace with myself and had all friends and life was going somewhere. then..then...of all things i meet a girl we met actually when she actually she gave me a ride when my car broke down. then she suggests to bring me over for a movie. ok i think. so i go over when my car has fixed. and somehow somthing changed. we ended up having sex!:confued: my boyfriend wasnt happy. he knew cause she called and left a message. i never told her i was gay. he was furouis and i knew deep down my feelings for the same sex relationship were vanquishing. so we broke it off. fortunately she understood the whole mess and didnt make a titantic fuss about the whole ordeal. i am now for some reason attracted to her. only her. so my question what the hell is wrong with me

i am a person who use to despise women for the most part. possibly because my mother was never there and a few other tidbits i dont want to talk about. and my early attempts to socialise with someone of the opposite sex were met with laughs and rejection. maybe? maybe not. but why does god throw a wrench like this into my wheel of life. i mean i was happy. i am happy now but i am confused and traumatized about the whole ordeal. i lost so many good gay friends and am at odds with my family.

so i suppose i am now a bisexual. i am glad you all have talked about this. i saw it some days ago but did not respond . i knew before hand. but i thought bisexuals were both. i seem to be homosexual for a few years and str8 for a fews
years. will i go back homosexual? what happening to me. anybody know of anything similiar

hopefully ill stay one or the other.at this point i dont care. i just want stability

[MrFun]

Sikander, and Rand --- after participating in this thread, I am open to the possibility of a bisexual partner in a future relationship.

As Sikander pointed out, there is a difference between stating a preference, and saying that you would never date such and such type of people.

So even though I prefer a gay man over a bisexual man, I will not shut my doors to the right bisexual man.

[Sikander]

Originally posted by chrono353
well my whole life i think i am homosexual. ever since i was 15 i knew or so i knew somthing was not kosher. i did not really feel attracted to girls at that point. tho before that i seem to be attracted to women. anyway i went through my life keeping this to myself. when i moved out i made it clear to my folks there only child would not give them any grandchildren so i warned them abot the whole thing . they didnt like it and we rarely speak about the issue.

let me get to the point here. i was settling down with my life and at peace with myself and had all friends and life was going somewhere. then..then...of all things i meet a girl we met actually when she actually she gave me a ride when my car broke down. then she suggests to bring me over for a movie. ok i think. so i go over when my car has fixed. and somehow somthing changed. we ended up having sex!:confued: my boyfriend wasnt happy. he knew cause she called and left a message. i never told her i was gay. he was furouis and i knew deep down my feelings for the same sex relationship were vanquishing. so we broke it off. fortunately she understood the whole mess and didnt make a titantic fuss about the whole ordeal. i am now for some reason attracted to her. only her. so my question what the hell is wrong with me

i am a person who use to despise women for the most part. possibly because my mother was never there and a few other tidbits i dont want to talk about. and my early attempts to socialise with someone of the opposite sex were met with laughs and rejection. maybe? maybe not. but why does god throw a wrench like this into my wheel of life. i mean i was happy. i am happy now but i am confused and traumatized about the whole ordeal. i lost so many good gay friends and am at odds with my family.

so i suppose i am now a bisexual. i am glad you all have talked about this. i saw it some days ago but did not respond . i knew before hand. but i thought bisexuals were both. i seem to be homosexual for a few years and str8 for a fews
years. will i go back homosexual? what happening to me. anybody know of anything similiar

hopefully ill stay one or the other.at this point i dont care. i just want stability

chrono353,

What you are going through is very common, so don't worry that no one will understand or that you are more screwed up than anyone you know. You are currently a person with ambivalent sexuality, that is you are attracted to someone based upon what they can offer you rather than their gender. You probably developed this outlook because you were emotionally abandoned (I'm guessing from what you said above) as a child and you had to develop a means for meeting your needs that your parents weren't fulfilling. I wouldn't be surprised if a little sexual abuse wasn't part of the equation, as abandoned children are often the victims of sexual abuse, and there is nothing like sex abuse to create confusion about one's sexual identity.

Your boyfriend met your needs for a time. He gave you love and company, and you built a social scene around that relationship to replace the ones that coming out damaged (ie with your parents and your old friends). You were happy and your immediate needs were being met, and in this environment it is difficult not to grow up a bit, especially since you had been waiting a long time to get to that point.

It is when we are changing that we most surprise ourselves. You didn't know that you were capable of being sexually attracted to and / or loving a woman. And perhaps a few years ago you weren't. But you have changed, and your subconscious knew what your conscious did not, or perhaps did not dare to. I would not be at all surprised to hear that your relationship with your boyfriend was becoming strained because you were perhaps becoming more self-assured and self-knowledgable. This type of thing tends to change the power dynamics of a relationship, and if there isn't a simultaneous realization of the changes and a reallignment of the dynamics in the relationship, the relationship will usually fail.

A new relationship comes with quite a few advantages. For one, we are allowed to reinvent ourselves because our new lover doesn't really have anything invested in our old self, and we are feeling good and willing to take risks. Where those we know previously have an investment in who we used to be, and will often exert considerable energy to keep things that way, our new partner is often happy to get to know the new person we are becoming, just as we are.

Of course you are probably lonely because you have lost your friends who liked you the way you were, and you are rightly worried about the instability of your situation. You are right to be concerned, but I think you are definitely on the right path. I say that regardless of whatever sexual preference you decide is your own. You are making the changes necessary for you to be an integrated person. This is a two-step process. First you have to learn something about yourself that was hidden from you, and second you have to integrate that part of yourself which was shut out of your normal mind state. You have done exactly that here. You found out that you were capable of having sex with a woman and enjoying it, and you integrated that part of yourself to the rest by exploring it and developing a loving relationship.

I imagine that there will be more surprises for you as you move along with your life, though I doubt that they will be as shocking to you as those you describe here. A word of advice. It will be tempting for someone whose identity is still plastic (ie changeable) to latch on to other people in order to provide themselves with a solid framework for their identity. If all of your friends think they have a good idea of who you are, you can use that to overcome my anxieties about not knowing who you are. Resist this. These people don't know you any better than you know yourself, they just seem like they do. But they can keep you from figuring it out because they become invested in who you were when they met you, and you become reliant upon their company and support. All of this inhibits your ability to find out who you really are and what you really want. I'm not saying that you shouldn't have friends, but I am saying that you should have a lot of very different friends who can teach you about different aspect of yourself and who as a group are not particularly invested in any one thing in your personality. This type of structure will help prevent you from getting stuck with the choice of growing or having friends, and it may also prevent the sort of collateral damage I imagine that your boyfriend suffered when you dumped him.

[faded glory]

I accidently came in here (wanted WC thread) but the last few posts caught my eye

Sikander are you a psychologist or somthing?

[chrono353]

thank you for helping me to better understand. i stilll dont get the whole ordeal. i am homosexual today. straight tommorrow. not literally but you know on and off. i seem to be pretty constant now with the girl im living with. i hope its permanent. or if it does return. the 3 of us could work somthing out

still what boggles me is i was 100% homosexual. why. i felt so much better with people of my own sex. then it just changes and i no longer want anything to do with homosexuality.


owell

cheers for now

[chrono353]

to the arguement about dating bisexuals. i like what mrfun says. you shouldnt close the door cause they are bisexual. and when i lived in new york. i knew lots of men who proclaimed themselves all homosexual. yet they always had the phone number of a girlfriend pr [octure of there wife in there wallet. and had secret women too. they lived 2 lives. yet they never told you about the other. you could only find out through there wallet while they slept. silly i know. lot more common out there than most think

[MrFun]

Originally posted by chrono353
thank you for helping me to better understand. i stilll dont get the whole ordeal. i am homosexual today. straight tommorrow. not literally but you know on and off. i seem to be pretty constant now with the girl im living with. i hope its permanent. or if it does return. the 3 of us could work somthing out

still what boggles me is i was 100% homosexual. why. i felt so much better with people of my own sex. then it just changes and i no longer want anything to do with homosexuality.

Bisexuality is as legitimate a sexual orientation as heterosexuality and homosexuality.

I think you have to come to terms with the fact that you're bisexual, rather than driving yourself crazy, trying to force homosexuality or heterosexuality on yourself.

[Sikander]

Originally posted by faded glory
I accidently came in here (wanted WC thread) but the last few posts caught my eye

Sikander are you a psychologist or somthing?

No, but I play one on OT.

I was a youth crisis counselor when I was in college, and then again after I got out of the Army. Several of my friends were psych majors and were volunteering, and I decided to do the same because it sounded interesting. Psych is interesting, useful, so I have tried to pay fairly close attention to it most of my life.