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ROGER'S PROFANISAURUS Part 2
gammon flaps See beef curtains. Also gammon goal-posts.
Gary Glitter rhym. slang Arse. From Gary Glitter - ****ter. See also council gritter.
gash n. Vagina. Conveniently rhymes with 'Hoy, giz a flash of your...'
gazoo n. Arse; bum.
gazungas n. Large breasts.
gender bender n. Effeminate, flowery male of varying or obscure sexual orientation e.g. Mare Almond out of Soft Cell.
get off at Edge Hill euph. Coitus interruptus; withdrawal before ejaculation. (Edge Hill is the last station before Liverpool Lime Street.) Aus. get off at Redfem. Scot. Paisley. Lond. Clapham. Newcastle Gateshead etc.
get up them stairs The cry from a chauvinist male to his wife which indicates that he has finished eating, drinking and watching football on telly, and now wishes to retire to the bedroom to make an ungainly and flatulent attempt at sexual intercourse.
get wood v. To achieve an erection. As in: 'Sorry love, I'm having trouble getting wood'. Also get string.
ghost **** n. A stool or dump of which there is no trace when you stand up and turn round to admire it.
gick Eire n. ****.
ginger beer rhym. slang Queer.
gobble interj. A noise made by turkeys.
gob****e n. Someone prone to uttering verbal inaccuracies; bull****ter.
golden shower euph. A vile sex act; unfortunate mix-up in a crowded German bathroom.
goolies n. The colloquialism for testicles least likely to offend a vicar or grandparent.
gorblimey n. A type of trousers popular among council tenants in the 1950s.
Greek sauna See Dutch oven.
grin like a ****ing Jap sim. To grin broadly, as a Nissan executive might do as he turned (even more) Japanese (qv) as he neared the vinegar strokes (qv) on his approach to the Billy Mill roundabout (qv).
grogan n. 1. A log; turd. 2. A cute wee Scotch lassie with a twee voice.
grow a tail v. To defecate; build a log cabin (qv).
grub See biffin.
grundle US n. Barse (qv).
grunts n. The type of undesirable bints (qv) who appear in reader's wives pages.
guard's van n. Of pulling a train (qv), the least desirable position in the queue. As in: Bagsy I'm not in the guard's van fellas'.
guff v. To fart; let off.
guff cloud n. The noxious vapour produced by guffing.
gusset typist euph. A woman who masturbates.
gusset nuzzler euph. Lesbian.
haddock pastie See hairy cheque book.
hairy cheque book See hairy cup.
hairy cup See hairy doughnut.
hairy doughnut See hairy goblet.
hairy goblet See hairy lasso.
hairy lasso See hairy pie.
hairy pie n. A kipper; Velcro triangle.
hairy toffee n. Dangleberries (qv); Kling-ons.
half leapfrog v. To have sex in the doggies (qv) position.
ham howitzer n. A military weapon descended from the pork sword (qv).
hamburger shot n. A rear view in a pornographic magazine in which the beef curtains (qv) are visible.
ham shank rhyming slang for a Barclays (qv).
Hampton rhyming slang Penis. Hampton Wick - ****. Also to get your Hampton Court - an accident involving a zip.
hand shandy n. See ham shank.
hand solo n. A solitary hand shandy.
hanging salad euph. Wedding tackle (qv).
happy lamp n. Sixth gear stick. As in: 'I'm home. Think I’ll give my happy lamp a quick buff'.
happy sack euph. Scrotum; scrots; nads.
hard on n. Wood; a bone.
head lamps n. Bristols (qv). As in: 'Phew!. I wouldn't mind giving her head lamps a rub'.
heave a Havana polite euph. Take a dump. See also bum cigar.
bee 1. Thai n. Minge; hairy cheque book. 2. interj. One of several noises made by laughing gnomes.
helmet See bobbies helmet.
Herbie's bonnet See Beetle bonnet.
Hershey highway US euph. See Cadbury Alley et all.
hide the salami euph. A game for two players, one sausage and a hairy pie (qv).
ho' abbr. Whore. A familiar name given to their charges by pimps in floppy hats, fur coats and pink Cadillacs. As in: 'Yo! Ho', shake that ass'.
hog's eye n. See Jap's eye.
honey alter n. See honey pot.
honey pot See hairy cheque book.
hoop stretcher n. In kitchens, one who hides the salami (qv) in the tea towel holder (qv).
horatio n. Posh Latin term used by doctors for oral sex on a man.
hosebag n. A woman of loose morals. She of bucket fanny (qv).
horizontal jogging e up h . Sexual intercourse.
hot dog n. An egg delicacy something of an acquired taste famously enjoyed by the gay cult actor Divine. v. To eat said morsel, freshly laid.
Howard's Way rhyming slang Homosexual. From the **** BBC TV drama Howard's Way - gay.
how's your father n. Sex. Usually prefixed with ahem. As in 'Fancy a quick bit of.. ahem... how's your father?'
hump v. 1. To ****; have sex with. 2. To carry heavy amplification equipment to and from a live music venue.
hungry arse n. The condition afflicting women in tight jeans whereby a crease in their pants appears to disappear up the crack of their arse.
Irish shave n. A dump.
Irish toothache n. An erection; bone. As in: 'Is that a gun in your pocket, or have you just got Irish toothache?'
I say! Interj. Expression of joy upon seeing an attractive woman. Attr. Terry Thomas.
I.R.S. abbr. Itchy Ring Syndrome. Irritating anal affliction caused by insufficient wiping of the chocolate starfish (qv), or inflammation of the farmers (qv).
jack off v. To choke the chicken (qv); jerkin' the gherkin.
jacked up adj. To be celibate whilst suffering from a venereal disease.
jam rag n. Tampon.
Japanese flag n. The appearance of the arsehole the morning after a vindaloo curry. As in: 'Christ almighty! I think I'm sitting on a Japanese flag'.
Jap's eye n. Male urethral opening; hoes eye (qv).
J. Arthur rhym. slang Masturbation. From J. Arthur Rank ****. For example , while watching blue movies Jonathon Ross might say: “Phwwoar! What I weally want wight now is a quick J. Arthur”.
jazz mag n. A printed volume of pornographic material; a journal of gentleman's interest.
jelly water mangoes euph. Large knockers; gazunkas.
Jem.ima suit n. A tight fitting costume worn by fetishists with strategically positioned openings over the erogenous zones.
Jenny US n. Fadge; minge.
Jimmy Riddle rhyming slang Vicar friendly term for a piddle.
**** n. Semen. Also gism. jittler n. Helmet cheese.
jizz abbr. **** v. To ejaculate.
jizzbags n. The scrotum; John Wayne's hairy saddlebags.
job n. A Richard (qv).
jobby Scotch variation Job.
jobby jouster n. A lunchbox lancer who jousts with another man’s jobs.
Jodrell rhym. slang J. Arthur (qv). From Jodrell Bank, the Knuts... fnarr fnarr! (qv) ... ford space research laboratory.
Johnny See rubber Johnny.
John Thomas n. The pet name by which Lady Chatterleys lover (on the level gardener Mellor) famously referred to his pink hoe. in the famous saucy book.
jugs euph. Bosoms. As in: 'Pardon me madam, I was just admiring your lovely pair of jugs'.
kahoonas (ka-hooo-naaaz) n. Large wobbly breasts; golden bodangers ; kermungers.
kak n. (ka-k) ****. From the Afrikaans keek.
kakpipe cosmonaut n. One who prefers to dock with the rear unloading bay.
kangaroo ****ging a space. hopper sim. Sexually energetic; promiscuous. As in 'Phoarr! She goes like a kangaroo ****ging a space hopper'.
keech n. Crap; kak.
keister n. kak hole; arse.
khaki buttonhole See chocolate starfish.
Khyber posh rhym. slang Anus. From Khyber Pass (par-ss) - arse.
kipper n. Minge; captain's pie.
kipper for breakfast euph. To rise early and go for a horizontal jog (qv).
Kit-Kat shuffler euph. Masturbateress; gusset typist.
kitten hammock n. Bra.
kitten’s noses n. Nipples.
kling-ons n. 1. Winnits; dangleberries; anal hangers-on. 2. One of man Star Trek aliens with
knackers n. (na-kaz) childish Testicles. As in: 'Ooyaah! I've knacked me knackers!'
knee trembler n. Intercourse while both parties are standing up. Often in a shop doorway.
knob cheese n. 1. Smegma. 2. Foreskin feta found underneath Kojak's roll-neck (qv) and around the banjo (qv) or cheese ridge. Also knob stilton, knob yoghurt.
Kojak's roll-neck n. Foreskin. Based on the bell end headed seventies TV detective.
kosher dill n. Circumcised salami; Kojak minus the collar.
lab kebab abbr. Labia kebab; fish mitten (qv); vertical bacon sandwich etc.
labia lard See fanny batter.
Lake Wendouree Aus. euph. Ejaculation, e.g. "Oh my God... Uuughh! I'm in Lake Wendouree!' From the lake at Ballarat (qv) Australia.
langball n. A type of dangleberry (qv) which attaches itself to John Wayne's hairy saddlebags (qv).
langer n. Penis; whanger (qv).
lamb cannon euph. An arms development dating somewhere between the pork sword (qv) and the bacon bazooka (qv).
lapper n. A musician who plays the pink oboe (qv); a hairy pie eater (qv).
lavender See whiff of lavender.
lay a cable euph. Build a log cabin (qv). See also cable laying.
lead the llama to the lift shaft euph. Sexual intercourse.
Leo Sayer rhym. slang All dayer. Bender; prolonged drinking spree; all day party.
lepidopterist n. Person who collects butterflies e.g. Val Doonican.
lettuce n. Female genitalia.
lickalotopus n. Latin name for a tuppence licker (qv) of prehistoric reptilian proportions.
lid n. Bit above the brim (qv).
lils n. Tits.
liquid laughter n. Puke.
log cabin See build a log cabin.
loon pipe n. Anus.
loose at the hilt adj. To have diarrhoea; crop spray (qv).
lose your mess euph. Ejaculate; to shoot ones load (qv).
lotties n. Breasts.
love puff euph. Gentle, lady-like fanny burp.
love spuds euph. A root vegetable found in the shreddies (qv); knackers.
love torpedo n. boastful Penis. As in: 'I sank her bacon battleship with my love torpedo'. Also
love truncheon.
lucky Pierre n. In botting (qv),the busiest botter in a three man bum chain (qv); the filling in a shirt lifter sandwich.
lunch box n. In British tabloid journalism, that bulge which appears in athlete Linford Christie's shorts; a penis.
lunchbox lancer n. archaic Medieval term for a coco shunter (qv). First used by King Arthur to describe the French army. He wrote: 'Fear not the French, for their knights are without heart, and their King without wisdom. But keep thine backs as to the wall, for amongst their number thou shalt find more than a few lunchbox lancers, I can tell you'.
lychees n. A more exotic alternative to plums (qv).
mackerel n. Pimp. (Unusually, a fish word not referring to the vagina).
Madam Palm and her five sisters euph. ****ing. As in: 'I'm just off to bed with Madam Palm and her five sisters'.
mammary dandruff n. Morning-after residue left by a pearl necklace (qv).
manfat n. Semen. Also man's milk
mapatasi (ma-pa-ta-zee) euph. Aus. Minge. As in: 'Show us yer mapatasi, Sheila'. abbr, Map of Tasmania. From the similarity in shape of said island to a muff.
map of Africa n. The unfortunate stain left on the bed sheet and often the mattress below after a sexual exchange of bodily fluids.
marge n. A loose woman. From margarine -'spreads easily'
margold n. The ability to do 5 pop shots (qv) in two hours. To do a margold. After the US pom actor Bill Margold.
Marmite motorway n. Anus; arsehole; back passage.
Marmite driller euph. See brownpipe engineer.
meat and two veg. euph. Penis and testicles; wedding tackle.
meat market euph. Bar or club heaving with totty (qv).
meat seeking pissile euph. Penis; love torpedo.
milkman euph. affectionate Penis; pork sword.
mince medallions n. See dangleberries.
mess n. Semen; gunk; **** hockle. See also lose your mess.
ming Scotch v. To emit a foul smell. As in: 'Christ, it's minging in here!'
minging n. Awful. As in: 'Peter Beardsley's haircut was minging'.
minge (minj) n. Fanny; quim.
minge winker euph. Strip tease artist.
minnie moo n. Minge.
mohair knickers euph. A large minnie moo.
monkey n. Vagina. As in: "Does the monkey want a banana?"
Montezuma's revenge n. Diarrhoea; Tijuana cha-cha (qv).
moss cottage n. J o h n Thomas's ideal home; minge.
mott n. Minge; mapatasi.
muck n. Mess (qv). As in "Shoot your muck'.
muck spreader n. Arse; bum.
mud n. Excrement.
muddy funster n. Botter (qv).
mudeye n. Arse; ringpiece; your old fashioned plastic tea towel holder.
muff 1. n. Minge; fanny. 2. v. To ****; have intercourse with. 3. v. To miss an easy goal scoring opportunity, e.g. 'Andy Cole has muffed it.
muff diver n. A footballer who misses easy goal scoring opportunities, then falls over in an attempt to win a penalty kick.
muff nudge n. The light brushing of your favourite female hairdresser's waist against your elbows while she leans forward to cut your hair.
mullet n. That strange haircut favoured by country and western singers and eighties footballers.
mumblers n. Tight women's bicycle shorts through which you can 'see the lips moving but can't understand a word. See also Twix lips, camel's foot, hungry arse.
mung n. A particularly runny type of arse feta (qv).
mustang n. Of ****ty arses, that stubborn dangleberry (qv) which cannot be shaken off.
mutton musket euph. A smaller more portable field weapon than the lamb cannon. Also mutton bayonet, mutton dagger.
mutt's nuts adj. (Superlative of good) Variation of dog's bollocks.
nads n. Testicles; plums. abbr. gonads.
nadbag n. Nutsack; scrotum.
navigator of the windward pass euph. Rear admiral (qv).
Niffkin's bridge n. Female equivalent of the Biffin bridge or barse (qv).
Nobbies rhym. slang. Piles; Emmas; bum grapes. From Nobby Stiles, combative, bald, false teethed 1966 World Cup winning English footballer.
norks n. Knockers.
norton n. Bearded clam; Beetle bonnet (qv).
olivia n. To have sex with several filthy tramps on a piss stained mattress, all at once.
oil the truncheon euph. To polish the bobbies helmet; collect one's own kindling; ****.
onanism (oh-nun-ism) n. 1. Incomplete sexual intercourse. 2. A posh word what the Queen might use for ****ing and that,
on the other bus euph. Homosexual; bowling from the Pavilion end (qv).
one eyed trouser snake euph. Penis; John Thomas; pink oboe.
Also one eyed zipper fish, one eyed pant python. one off the wrist euph. Five knuckle shuffle; handy shandy.
open your lunchbox euph. To float an air biscuit (qv) resembling yesterday's egg sandwiches.
owner operator euph. ****er; one who plays with his own pork sword.
painting the ceiling euph. ****ing; the one handed snake charming of the pant python.
pan handle UK euph. Erect penis; wood; a bonk on.
pant moustache n. The effect achieved when the mapatasi (qv) extends symmetrically beyond either side of the shreddies (qv).
See also spiders legs.
pants 1. interj. Exclamation of dismay. 2. n. Rubbish; nonsense; arse. As in: 'You're talking pants!'.
paps n. Olde Worlde Tits.
park the fudge v. To ****; pass a stool; crimp off a length.
particulars n. Of low budget British sex comedies involving police officers, a ladies underwear; knickers. As in: 'H-excuse me med'm, but I may need to take down your particulars'. (Fnarr fnarr! (qv))
passion flaps n. A more romantic term for an axe wound (qv).
passion pit n. Bed. See also Dutch oven.
Pat Cash rhym. slang. Slash; piss; siphon the python. From the Australian tennis player.
pavement pizza n. The contents of ones stomach as they appear after barfing (qv) in the street.
pearl necklace n. The sticky consequences of reaching the Billy Mill roundabout (qv) whilst having a sausage sandwich (qv). As in: 'I gave her a beautiful pearl necklace'.
pebble dash v. To crop spray (qv) the toilet bowl with clarts (qv).
peeling the carrot euph. Spanking the monkey.
Percy 1. UK n. Penis, As in: “I’m just off to point Percy at the porcelain"., 2. A small green 0-4-0 saddle tank steam locomotive.
period drama n. To describe the moody and erratic behaviour of women at times of PMT.
pie See hairy, fish, Captain's.
pills n. Pods; knackers (qv).
pilot of the chocolate runway See navigator of the Windward passage.
pinch a loaf See curl one off.
pineapple rhym. slang. Sperm; semen. From pineapple chunk spunk.
pink Darth Vadar euph. ****. From the Star Wars character with a bell end (qv) for a helmet.
pink oboe euph. Penis. As in: 'Tell me madam, do you play the pink oboe?"
pink steel n, Material used as an alternative to wood (qv).
pink velvet sausage wallet euph. Vagina.
pipe smoker 1. US n. Botter (qv). 2. A person who smokes a pipe.
pirate of men's pants euph. Swashbuckling term for your jolly Rogerer; ****; penis.
piss flaps 1. n. Labia; beef curtains. 2. interj. Exclamation of disappointment. As in "Oh pissflaps! I never win the Lottery!' piss rusty water Roger Mellie euph. To gargle and spit arse piss (qv); to crop spray.
pitch a tent v. To get wood (qv) beneath the bed linen, or conspicuously in ones trousers.
playing the bone-a-phone euph. ****ing; partaking of a hand shandy.
play the pink oboe v. To perform oral sex on a man. Usually homophobic. As in: 'I didn't know Michael Barrymore played the pink oboe'.
plinthe n. A large and somewhat redundant penis.
plonker n. An actor who relies entirely on one crap put-down line and a three wheeler car to maintain an entire situation comedy for years and years and ****ing years.
plums n. Knackers; balls; testicles. Together with melons and large pairs, the source of much mirth in British fruit shops.
plumber's toolbag euph. The furry bicycle stand (qv); mott.
Plymouth Argyles rhym. slang Piles. From the famous Plymouth football club.
poblyewm Welsh n. People who like quim (qv).
pocket frog n. A fart; botty burp; anal announcement.
pocket rocket See porridge gun.
poe S. Africa n. Vagina.
poe slap n. Sanitary towel.
pogue mahone Gaelic Kiss my arse, to be sure.
poke v. male To ****; screw; have sex with.
polish the lighthouse v. male To masturbate in the bath.
poo packer See Marmite driller.
poo pipe pirate See kakpipe cosmonaut.
poop chute n. Bumhole; arse.
pop shot n. A scene in a pornographic movie in which a male actor is required to splash his population paste (qv) on camera, after being suitably prepared by the fluffer (qv).
population paste n. Semen; baby bullets (qv).
pork sword n. Penis; bacon bazooka; lamb cannon etc.
porridge gun n. A tool used to distribute population paste (qv).
portion n. A good seeing to; a ****. As in: 'I'd give her a portion, and no mistake'.
pouch n. An ageing, saggy mott (qv) that hangs like a sporran.
pugwash Aus. n. Blow job.
pull a train euph. To take turns at stirring the porridge (qv); for a group of men to all have sex with the same lady friend.
puma abbr. Pants Up My Arse. See hungry arse.
puppies n. affectionate Breasts.
purple headed womb broom euph. Penis.
purple helmet n. Pink Darth Vader's headgear; bobbies helmet; bell end; glans.
quack n. A short, sharp botty burp often followed by an apologetic 'Oops!'.
quaker n. Stool. As in: 'Where is your lovely wife?' 'Why, she has gone upstairs to bury a quaker'.
quaz n. ****er; bell end ringer (qv). abbr. Quasimodo.
queef US n. Vaginal fart; front botty burp.
quim n. A refined word for the mapatasi (qv) such as a gentleman might use at a hay clarse cocktail party. From the Welsh Cwm - meaning valley of pubes.
quimle v. To eat hairy pie (qv). I was quimling her, he quimled me, etc.
gammon flaps See beef curtains. Also gammon goal-posts.
Gary Glitter rhym. slang Arse. From Gary Glitter - ****ter. See also council gritter.
gash n. Vagina. Conveniently rhymes with 'Hoy, giz a flash of your...'
gazoo n. Arse; bum.
gazungas n. Large breasts.
gender bender n. Effeminate, flowery male of varying or obscure sexual orientation e.g. Mare Almond out of Soft Cell.
get off at Edge Hill euph. Coitus interruptus; withdrawal before ejaculation. (Edge Hill is the last station before Liverpool Lime Street.) Aus. get off at Redfem. Scot. Paisley. Lond. Clapham. Newcastle Gateshead etc.
get up them stairs The cry from a chauvinist male to his wife which indicates that he has finished eating, drinking and watching football on telly, and now wishes to retire to the bedroom to make an ungainly and flatulent attempt at sexual intercourse.
get wood v. To achieve an erection. As in: 'Sorry love, I'm having trouble getting wood'. Also get string.
ghost **** n. A stool or dump of which there is no trace when you stand up and turn round to admire it.
gick Eire n. ****.
ginger beer rhym. slang Queer.
gobble interj. A noise made by turkeys.
gob****e n. Someone prone to uttering verbal inaccuracies; bull****ter.
golden shower euph. A vile sex act; unfortunate mix-up in a crowded German bathroom.
goolies n. The colloquialism for testicles least likely to offend a vicar or grandparent.
gorblimey n. A type of trousers popular among council tenants in the 1950s.
Greek sauna See Dutch oven.
grin like a ****ing Jap sim. To grin broadly, as a Nissan executive might do as he turned (even more) Japanese (qv) as he neared the vinegar strokes (qv) on his approach to the Billy Mill roundabout (qv).
grogan n. 1. A log; turd. 2. A cute wee Scotch lassie with a twee voice.
grow a tail v. To defecate; build a log cabin (qv).
grub See biffin.
grundle US n. Barse (qv).
grunts n. The type of undesirable bints (qv) who appear in reader's wives pages.
guard's van n. Of pulling a train (qv), the least desirable position in the queue. As in: Bagsy I'm not in the guard's van fellas'.
guff v. To fart; let off.
guff cloud n. The noxious vapour produced by guffing.
gusset typist euph. A woman who masturbates.
gusset nuzzler euph. Lesbian.
haddock pastie See hairy cheque book.
hairy cheque book See hairy cup.
hairy cup See hairy doughnut.
hairy doughnut See hairy goblet.
hairy goblet See hairy lasso.
hairy lasso See hairy pie.
hairy pie n. A kipper; Velcro triangle.
hairy toffee n. Dangleberries (qv); Kling-ons.
half leapfrog v. To have sex in the doggies (qv) position.
ham howitzer n. A military weapon descended from the pork sword (qv).
hamburger shot n. A rear view in a pornographic magazine in which the beef curtains (qv) are visible.
ham shank rhyming slang for a Barclays (qv).
Hampton rhyming slang Penis. Hampton Wick - ****. Also to get your Hampton Court - an accident involving a zip.
hand shandy n. See ham shank.
hand solo n. A solitary hand shandy.
hanging salad euph. Wedding tackle (qv).
happy lamp n. Sixth gear stick. As in: 'I'm home. Think I’ll give my happy lamp a quick buff'.
happy sack euph. Scrotum; scrots; nads.
hard on n. Wood; a bone.
head lamps n. Bristols (qv). As in: 'Phew!. I wouldn't mind giving her head lamps a rub'.
heave a Havana polite euph. Take a dump. See also bum cigar.
bee 1. Thai n. Minge; hairy cheque book. 2. interj. One of several noises made by laughing gnomes.
helmet See bobbies helmet.
Herbie's bonnet See Beetle bonnet.
Hershey highway US euph. See Cadbury Alley et all.
hide the salami euph. A game for two players, one sausage and a hairy pie (qv).
ho' abbr. Whore. A familiar name given to their charges by pimps in floppy hats, fur coats and pink Cadillacs. As in: 'Yo! Ho', shake that ass'.
hog's eye n. See Jap's eye.
honey alter n. See honey pot.
honey pot See hairy cheque book.
hoop stretcher n. In kitchens, one who hides the salami (qv) in the tea towel holder (qv).
horatio n. Posh Latin term used by doctors for oral sex on a man.
hosebag n. A woman of loose morals. She of bucket fanny (qv).
horizontal jogging e up h . Sexual intercourse.
hot dog n. An egg delicacy something of an acquired taste famously enjoyed by the gay cult actor Divine. v. To eat said morsel, freshly laid.
Howard's Way rhyming slang Homosexual. From the **** BBC TV drama Howard's Way - gay.
how's your father n. Sex. Usually prefixed with ahem. As in 'Fancy a quick bit of.. ahem... how's your father?'
hump v. 1. To ****; have sex with. 2. To carry heavy amplification equipment to and from a live music venue.
hungry arse n. The condition afflicting women in tight jeans whereby a crease in their pants appears to disappear up the crack of their arse.
Irish shave n. A dump.
Irish toothache n. An erection; bone. As in: 'Is that a gun in your pocket, or have you just got Irish toothache?'
I say! Interj. Expression of joy upon seeing an attractive woman. Attr. Terry Thomas.
I.R.S. abbr. Itchy Ring Syndrome. Irritating anal affliction caused by insufficient wiping of the chocolate starfish (qv), or inflammation of the farmers (qv).
jack off v. To choke the chicken (qv); jerkin' the gherkin.
jacked up adj. To be celibate whilst suffering from a venereal disease.
jam rag n. Tampon.
Japanese flag n. The appearance of the arsehole the morning after a vindaloo curry. As in: 'Christ almighty! I think I'm sitting on a Japanese flag'.
Jap's eye n. Male urethral opening; hoes eye (qv).
J. Arthur rhym. slang Masturbation. From J. Arthur Rank ****. For example , while watching blue movies Jonathon Ross might say: “Phwwoar! What I weally want wight now is a quick J. Arthur”.
jazz mag n. A printed volume of pornographic material; a journal of gentleman's interest.
jelly water mangoes euph. Large knockers; gazunkas.
Jem.ima suit n. A tight fitting costume worn by fetishists with strategically positioned openings over the erogenous zones.
Jenny US n. Fadge; minge.
Jimmy Riddle rhyming slang Vicar friendly term for a piddle.
**** n. Semen. Also gism. jittler n. Helmet cheese.
jizz abbr. **** v. To ejaculate.
jizzbags n. The scrotum; John Wayne's hairy saddlebags.
job n. A Richard (qv).
jobby Scotch variation Job.
jobby jouster n. A lunchbox lancer who jousts with another man’s jobs.
Jodrell rhym. slang J. Arthur (qv). From Jodrell Bank, the Knuts... fnarr fnarr! (qv) ... ford space research laboratory.
Johnny See rubber Johnny.
John Thomas n. The pet name by which Lady Chatterleys lover (on the level gardener Mellor) famously referred to his pink hoe. in the famous saucy book.
jugs euph. Bosoms. As in: 'Pardon me madam, I was just admiring your lovely pair of jugs'.
kahoonas (ka-hooo-naaaz) n. Large wobbly breasts; golden bodangers ; kermungers.
kak n. (ka-k) ****. From the Afrikaans keek.
kakpipe cosmonaut n. One who prefers to dock with the rear unloading bay.
kangaroo ****ging a space. hopper sim. Sexually energetic; promiscuous. As in 'Phoarr! She goes like a kangaroo ****ging a space hopper'.
keech n. Crap; kak.
keister n. kak hole; arse.
khaki buttonhole See chocolate starfish.
Khyber posh rhym. slang Anus. From Khyber Pass (par-ss) - arse.
kipper n. Minge; captain's pie.
kipper for breakfast euph. To rise early and go for a horizontal jog (qv).
Kit-Kat shuffler euph. Masturbateress; gusset typist.
kitten hammock n. Bra.
kitten’s noses n. Nipples.
kling-ons n. 1. Winnits; dangleberries; anal hangers-on. 2. One of man Star Trek aliens with
knackers n. (na-kaz) childish Testicles. As in: 'Ooyaah! I've knacked me knackers!'
knee trembler n. Intercourse while both parties are standing up. Often in a shop doorway.
knob cheese n. 1. Smegma. 2. Foreskin feta found underneath Kojak's roll-neck (qv) and around the banjo (qv) or cheese ridge. Also knob stilton, knob yoghurt.
Kojak's roll-neck n. Foreskin. Based on the bell end headed seventies TV detective.
kosher dill n. Circumcised salami; Kojak minus the collar.
lab kebab abbr. Labia kebab; fish mitten (qv); vertical bacon sandwich etc.
labia lard See fanny batter.
Lake Wendouree Aus. euph. Ejaculation, e.g. "Oh my God... Uuughh! I'm in Lake Wendouree!' From the lake at Ballarat (qv) Australia.
langball n. A type of dangleberry (qv) which attaches itself to John Wayne's hairy saddlebags (qv).
langer n. Penis; whanger (qv).
lamb cannon euph. An arms development dating somewhere between the pork sword (qv) and the bacon bazooka (qv).
lapper n. A musician who plays the pink oboe (qv); a hairy pie eater (qv).
lavender See whiff of lavender.
lay a cable euph. Build a log cabin (qv). See also cable laying.
lead the llama to the lift shaft euph. Sexual intercourse.
Leo Sayer rhym. slang All dayer. Bender; prolonged drinking spree; all day party.
lepidopterist n. Person who collects butterflies e.g. Val Doonican.
lettuce n. Female genitalia.
lickalotopus n. Latin name for a tuppence licker (qv) of prehistoric reptilian proportions.
lid n. Bit above the brim (qv).
lils n. Tits.
liquid laughter n. Puke.
log cabin See build a log cabin.
loon pipe n. Anus.
loose at the hilt adj. To have diarrhoea; crop spray (qv).
lose your mess euph. Ejaculate; to shoot ones load (qv).
lotties n. Breasts.
love puff euph. Gentle, lady-like fanny burp.
love spuds euph. A root vegetable found in the shreddies (qv); knackers.
love torpedo n. boastful Penis. As in: 'I sank her bacon battleship with my love torpedo'. Also
love truncheon.
lucky Pierre n. In botting (qv),the busiest botter in a three man bum chain (qv); the filling in a shirt lifter sandwich.
lunch box n. In British tabloid journalism, that bulge which appears in athlete Linford Christie's shorts; a penis.
lunchbox lancer n. archaic Medieval term for a coco shunter (qv). First used by King Arthur to describe the French army. He wrote: 'Fear not the French, for their knights are without heart, and their King without wisdom. But keep thine backs as to the wall, for amongst their number thou shalt find more than a few lunchbox lancers, I can tell you'.
lychees n. A more exotic alternative to plums (qv).
mackerel n. Pimp. (Unusually, a fish word not referring to the vagina).
Madam Palm and her five sisters euph. ****ing. As in: 'I'm just off to bed with Madam Palm and her five sisters'.
mammary dandruff n. Morning-after residue left by a pearl necklace (qv).
manfat n. Semen. Also man's milk
mapatasi (ma-pa-ta-zee) euph. Aus. Minge. As in: 'Show us yer mapatasi, Sheila'. abbr, Map of Tasmania. From the similarity in shape of said island to a muff.
map of Africa n. The unfortunate stain left on the bed sheet and often the mattress below after a sexual exchange of bodily fluids.
marge n. A loose woman. From margarine -'spreads easily'
margold n. The ability to do 5 pop shots (qv) in two hours. To do a margold. After the US pom actor Bill Margold.
Marmite motorway n. Anus; arsehole; back passage.
Marmite driller euph. See brownpipe engineer.
meat and two veg. euph. Penis and testicles; wedding tackle.
meat market euph. Bar or club heaving with totty (qv).
meat seeking pissile euph. Penis; love torpedo.
milkman euph. affectionate Penis; pork sword.
mince medallions n. See dangleberries.
mess n. Semen; gunk; **** hockle. See also lose your mess.
ming Scotch v. To emit a foul smell. As in: 'Christ, it's minging in here!'
minging n. Awful. As in: 'Peter Beardsley's haircut was minging'.
minge (minj) n. Fanny; quim.
minge winker euph. Strip tease artist.
minnie moo n. Minge.
mohair knickers euph. A large minnie moo.
monkey n. Vagina. As in: "Does the monkey want a banana?"
Montezuma's revenge n. Diarrhoea; Tijuana cha-cha (qv).
moss cottage n. J o h n Thomas's ideal home; minge.
mott n. Minge; mapatasi.
muck n. Mess (qv). As in "Shoot your muck'.
muck spreader n. Arse; bum.
mud n. Excrement.
muddy funster n. Botter (qv).
mudeye n. Arse; ringpiece; your old fashioned plastic tea towel holder.
muff 1. n. Minge; fanny. 2. v. To ****; have intercourse with. 3. v. To miss an easy goal scoring opportunity, e.g. 'Andy Cole has muffed it.
muff diver n. A footballer who misses easy goal scoring opportunities, then falls over in an attempt to win a penalty kick.
muff nudge n. The light brushing of your favourite female hairdresser's waist against your elbows while she leans forward to cut your hair.
mullet n. That strange haircut favoured by country and western singers and eighties footballers.
mumblers n. Tight women's bicycle shorts through which you can 'see the lips moving but can't understand a word. See also Twix lips, camel's foot, hungry arse.
mung n. A particularly runny type of arse feta (qv).
mustang n. Of ****ty arses, that stubborn dangleberry (qv) which cannot be shaken off.
mutton musket euph. A smaller more portable field weapon than the lamb cannon. Also mutton bayonet, mutton dagger.
mutt's nuts adj. (Superlative of good) Variation of dog's bollocks.
nads n. Testicles; plums. abbr. gonads.
nadbag n. Nutsack; scrotum.
navigator of the windward pass euph. Rear admiral (qv).
Niffkin's bridge n. Female equivalent of the Biffin bridge or barse (qv).
Nobbies rhym. slang. Piles; Emmas; bum grapes. From Nobby Stiles, combative, bald, false teethed 1966 World Cup winning English footballer.
norks n. Knockers.
norton n. Bearded clam; Beetle bonnet (qv).
olivia n. To have sex with several filthy tramps on a piss stained mattress, all at once.
oil the truncheon euph. To polish the bobbies helmet; collect one's own kindling; ****.
onanism (oh-nun-ism) n. 1. Incomplete sexual intercourse. 2. A posh word what the Queen might use for ****ing and that,
on the other bus euph. Homosexual; bowling from the Pavilion end (qv).
one eyed trouser snake euph. Penis; John Thomas; pink oboe.
Also one eyed zipper fish, one eyed pant python. one off the wrist euph. Five knuckle shuffle; handy shandy.
open your lunchbox euph. To float an air biscuit (qv) resembling yesterday's egg sandwiches.
owner operator euph. ****er; one who plays with his own pork sword.
painting the ceiling euph. ****ing; the one handed snake charming of the pant python.
pan handle UK euph. Erect penis; wood; a bonk on.
pant moustache n. The effect achieved when the mapatasi (qv) extends symmetrically beyond either side of the shreddies (qv).
See also spiders legs.
pants 1. interj. Exclamation of dismay. 2. n. Rubbish; nonsense; arse. As in: 'You're talking pants!'.
paps n. Olde Worlde Tits.
park the fudge v. To ****; pass a stool; crimp off a length.
particulars n. Of low budget British sex comedies involving police officers, a ladies underwear; knickers. As in: 'H-excuse me med'm, but I may need to take down your particulars'. (Fnarr fnarr! (qv))
passion flaps n. A more romantic term for an axe wound (qv).
passion pit n. Bed. See also Dutch oven.
Pat Cash rhym. slang. Slash; piss; siphon the python. From the Australian tennis player.
pavement pizza n. The contents of ones stomach as they appear after barfing (qv) in the street.
pearl necklace n. The sticky consequences of reaching the Billy Mill roundabout (qv) whilst having a sausage sandwich (qv). As in: 'I gave her a beautiful pearl necklace'.
pebble dash v. To crop spray (qv) the toilet bowl with clarts (qv).
peeling the carrot euph. Spanking the monkey.
Percy 1. UK n. Penis, As in: “I’m just off to point Percy at the porcelain"., 2. A small green 0-4-0 saddle tank steam locomotive.
period drama n. To describe the moody and erratic behaviour of women at times of PMT.
pie See hairy, fish, Captain's.
pills n. Pods; knackers (qv).
pilot of the chocolate runway See navigator of the Windward passage.
pinch a loaf See curl one off.
pineapple rhym. slang. Sperm; semen. From pineapple chunk spunk.
pink Darth Vadar euph. ****. From the Star Wars character with a bell end (qv) for a helmet.
pink oboe euph. Penis. As in: 'Tell me madam, do you play the pink oboe?"
pink steel n, Material used as an alternative to wood (qv).
pink velvet sausage wallet euph. Vagina.
pipe smoker 1. US n. Botter (qv). 2. A person who smokes a pipe.
pirate of men's pants euph. Swashbuckling term for your jolly Rogerer; ****; penis.
piss flaps 1. n. Labia; beef curtains. 2. interj. Exclamation of disappointment. As in "Oh pissflaps! I never win the Lottery!' piss rusty water Roger Mellie euph. To gargle and spit arse piss (qv); to crop spray.
pitch a tent v. To get wood (qv) beneath the bed linen, or conspicuously in ones trousers.
playing the bone-a-phone euph. ****ing; partaking of a hand shandy.
play the pink oboe v. To perform oral sex on a man. Usually homophobic. As in: 'I didn't know Michael Barrymore played the pink oboe'.
plinthe n. A large and somewhat redundant penis.
plonker n. An actor who relies entirely on one crap put-down line and a three wheeler car to maintain an entire situation comedy for years and years and ****ing years.
plums n. Knackers; balls; testicles. Together with melons and large pairs, the source of much mirth in British fruit shops.
plumber's toolbag euph. The furry bicycle stand (qv); mott.
Plymouth Argyles rhym. slang Piles. From the famous Plymouth football club.
poblyewm Welsh n. People who like quim (qv).
pocket frog n. A fart; botty burp; anal announcement.
pocket rocket See porridge gun.
poe S. Africa n. Vagina.
poe slap n. Sanitary towel.
pogue mahone Gaelic Kiss my arse, to be sure.
poke v. male To ****; screw; have sex with.
polish the lighthouse v. male To masturbate in the bath.
poo packer See Marmite driller.
poo pipe pirate See kakpipe cosmonaut.
poop chute n. Bumhole; arse.
pop shot n. A scene in a pornographic movie in which a male actor is required to splash his population paste (qv) on camera, after being suitably prepared by the fluffer (qv).
population paste n. Semen; baby bullets (qv).
pork sword n. Penis; bacon bazooka; lamb cannon etc.
porridge gun n. A tool used to distribute population paste (qv).
portion n. A good seeing to; a ****. As in: 'I'd give her a portion, and no mistake'.
pouch n. An ageing, saggy mott (qv) that hangs like a sporran.
pugwash Aus. n. Blow job.
pull a train euph. To take turns at stirring the porridge (qv); for a group of men to all have sex with the same lady friend.
puma abbr. Pants Up My Arse. See hungry arse.
puppies n. affectionate Breasts.
purple headed womb broom euph. Penis.
purple helmet n. Pink Darth Vader's headgear; bobbies helmet; bell end; glans.
quack n. A short, sharp botty burp often followed by an apologetic 'Oops!'.
quaker n. Stool. As in: 'Where is your lovely wife?' 'Why, she has gone upstairs to bury a quaker'.
quaz n. ****er; bell end ringer (qv). abbr. Quasimodo.
queef US n. Vaginal fart; front botty burp.
quim n. A refined word for the mapatasi (qv) such as a gentleman might use at a hay clarse cocktail party. From the Welsh Cwm - meaning valley of pubes.
quimle v. To eat hairy pie (qv). I was quimling her, he quimled me, etc.
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