Apolyton's Greatest Jokes

[Guynemer]

Apolyton's Greatest Joke?

Stewart Spink, of course.

[Provost Harrison]

ROFLMAO Tiamat!

[Immortal Wombat]

Tia,

Finally, a funny joke in this thread

[Dauphin]

There are 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial

But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was INDIAN :
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do.

[chequita guevara]

What do you say when your friend gets eaten by a shark?





So long, chum.

[Tiamat]

Ready for more??


Visiting the US for the first time, an Afghanistan diplomat was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir wasn't accustomed to the salt in American food (French fries, cheese, etc.) and was constantly sending his man-servant, Abdul, to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdullah would scamper off and return with a glass of water. But finally, he returned empty-handed.

"Abdullah, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water??" demanded the Grand Emir.

"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched man-servant, "but a man is sitting on the well."

[Provost Harrison]

Ewwwwww

[rah]

With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots,
especially during evening hours, the Minneapolis City Council has established a "Women Only" parking lot at the Mall of America.

Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.

Attached is the first picture available of this world's first women-only parking lot in Minnesota.

[Tiamat]

This might be a reason to fire your secretary!!


Two weeks ago was my 35th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy
Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good
morning, boss. Happy Birthday." I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Janet knocked on my door and said "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes came out
carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday. And there I sat...on the couch............................................. ..........naked.

[Provost Harrison]

Ooops

[Tiamat]

And one for all the guys here........**tia sneaks off laughing** te he te he te he


The boss of a small company called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the employer, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was a quick contest, whose theme was "Viagra advertising slogans."

Dividing into 10 groups of three, the only rule was they had to
use past ad slogans, that would capture the essence of Viagra.
About 7 minutes later they turned in all their suggestions, and then created a "Top Ten List." After all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for the staff had listed:


10. Viagra; It's "Whaazzzz Up!"
9. Viagra; "The Quicker Pecker Upper."
8. Viagra; "Like a Rock!"
7. Viagra; "When it absolutely, positively has to be there
tonight."
6. Viagra; "Be all that you can be."
5. Viagra; "Reach out and touch someone."
4. Viagra; "Strong enough for a [woman], but made for a [man].
3. Viagra; "Tastes great! More filling!"
2. Viagra; "We bring good things to life!"

and the UNANIMOUS number one slogan:

1. Viagra; "This is your penis...This is your penis on drugs....Any
questions?!"

[Zoid]

A pretty crappy joke, but never the less.

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. By the way you got nice house."

[MOBIUS]

Heeeere's Johnny!

> A teacher asks her class "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
> you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" she calls on little Johnny
> and he replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot" The
> teacher replys "The correct answer is 4 but I like your thinking,"
> Then Johnny says " I have a question for you, there are three women
> sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the
> sides of the ice cream scoop, Another gobbled down the top and sucked the
> cone, and the third bit off the top of the ice cream- Which one is
> married?"
> The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well, I suppose the one
> that has gobbled down the top and sucked the cone". To which litttle
> Johnny replied. "The correct answer is the one with a wedding ring on,
> but I like your thinking!"
>
> -----------------
> Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the
> night,in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and
> thumping,
> he
> peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react,
> Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your
> back?"
> Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions,
> and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops
> on and daddy starts going to town.
> Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on
> tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get
> bucked off!"
>
> -----------------
>
> Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed
> to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a
> piss!!"
> The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use, in
> this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please
> use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to
> go."
> Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you
> had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
>
> -----------------
>
> Little Johnny's sitting at the roadside playing. His mum looks out of
> the window to see him eating a couple of smarties, licking the family cat
> and then, standing up, taking a couple of steps to the left and sitting
> down again. Shocked, she goes out to see what he is up to. By the time
> she
> gets to him, he's has gone through the same set of actions another four
> times.
> 'Johnny', she cries, 'What are you up to?!!'
> 'Mum, I'm pretending to be a Hell's Angel - I'm popping pills, licking
> ***** and moving on'
>

[MOBIUS]

[MOBIUS]

ROGER'S PROFANISAURUS

Compiled from world-wide contributions
received at the Viz web site

https://www.viz.co.uk

Edited by William H. Bollocks.


air biscuit n. Fart; botty burp. As in 'Has somebody launched an air biscuit?'
almond n. 1. Penis. From the rhyming slang, almond rock ****. 2. An imperial measure of semen; approximately one stomach full.
anal announcement n. Fart; botty burp; trouser trumpet.
Apache n. Sex without a condom. Riding bare back.
apple catchers n. Generously proportioned knickers.
aris n. Convoluted cockney rhyming slang for arse. From Aristotle - bottle - bottle and "glarse' - arse.
arse-feta n. The cheese (qv) matured in the narrow passage leading to Cadbury Alley (qv).
arse-grapes n. Descriptive term for haemorrhoids.
arse-piss n. Diarrhoea; rusty water (qv); the ****s.
arseholed a. intoxicated; having consumed an excessive amount of alcohol.
art pamphlet n. A jazz mag; one handed reading material.
assets n. Of British tabloid journalism, a girl's breasts.
aunt Mary n. Vagina.
axe wound euph. Vagina.

B.S. US abbr. Bull****.
baby gravy euph. Semen; smegma (qv). Also baby bullion.
bacon bazooka euph. Penis; pork sword; the pink oboe (qv).
bag ladies' period n. Superlative of foul tasting.
baibhe (bye-b) Gaelic n. A rough old slapper; a boot (qv).
bald man in a boat euph. Vagina; hairy pie (qv).
Ballarat Aus. n. A fully erect penis. As in 'How are you gettin' on Bruce?' 'Bleedin' marvellous Sheila. I'm nearly at Ballarat'. See also Lake Wendouree.
ball buster n. Sexually aggressive female; **** chomper
bang v. To have sex; to ****. e.g. "We were banging like a ****ehouse (qv) door in the wind'. n. A sexual encounter; a ****.
banjo n. On the penis, that thin ridge of skin connecting the polo neck to the bobby's helmet (qv).
bannocks interj. Scotch equivalent of bollocks. n. Jockspeak for knackers; plums (qv).
baps (baaah-ps) n. N. Ireland Breasts. e.g. 'Phoaar! Will yer just look at the baps on that?'
Barclays rhym. slang A ****; five finger shuffle; hand shandy (qv). Barclays bank - ****.
barf v. To vomit; puke; bowk.
bargain bucket n. An over-employed and over-stretched
barking spider n. Ringpiece; anus; chocolate starfish (qv).
barse n. The perineum; that little bit between your balls and your arse.
bash-the-bishop e up h. To masturbate; toss; bank with Barclays (qv).
bazookas n. A pair of big tits; whoppers.
bean flicker n. Lesbian.
beard n. A woman married to a gay man in order to conceal his homosexuality. As in: 'Do you reckon that Sophie's a beard then, or what?" See also whiff of lavender; frock.
bear trappers hat sim. Hairy front bottom. As in 'She had a fanny like a bear trapper's hat". Also Davy Crockets hat.
bearded clam Aus. attr. Barry Humphries Vagina; fanny.
beat-the-meat euph. To avail oneself of a ham shank; perform the five-knuckle-shuffle (qv).
beaver cleaver n. Male weapon used in axe wounds.
bed flute n. Musical variation on the pink oboe (qv).
beef bayonet euph. Penis; ****; pork sword; love torpedo.
beef curtains euph. Labia.
beetle bonnet euph. Female pubic mound, esp. shaven. From the popular VW car.
Belgian biscuit n. A vile and non specific sex act performed by the staff of a rub-a-tug shop (qv). As in 'How much? Fifty quid, eh? Does that include Belgian biscuit?'
Belisha beacon n. Flashing orange globe on a black and white pole, named after the Transport Minister in 1934.
bell end euph. The glans of the penis; purple helmet (qv).
bell-swagged a. To be endowed with a large bell end on a contrastingly small stem or shaft.
bender n. 1. Drinking spree; Leo Sayer (qv). 2. A queer fella. See gender bender.
berry n. A sexual deviant; kinky person; one who ****s animals.
biffin n. Sweat secreted in the biffin bridge (qv) area during intercourse.
biffin bridge n. See barse.
biffon n. That part of the female anatomy between the bottom and the vagina, which the man's balls biff on during intercourse.
bikini burger n. See hairy pie.
Billy Mill roundabout n. The climactic point of masturbation. From the A1058 Coast Road in Newcastle. e.g. 'My mum walked in just as I was coming up to the Billy Mill roundabout". See also vinegar strokes (qv).
Billy Wright Famous Everton footballer, latterly rhyming slang for ****e.
bint n. Derogatory term for a silly old slapper; a bird; bit of fluff.
biscuits n. The contents of the stomach after a heavy night's drinking. As in 'Get me a bucket, quick, I'm gonna chuck me biscuits'.
blart n. Female vagina. Also collective n. Women; totty (qv). e.g. 'Golly gosh! This pub is heaving with blart'.
bliff n. Minge; front bottom.
bliff mag n. Pornographic magazine; jazz mag (qv); art pamphlet.
blit n. See blart.
blob n. Condom; rubber; rubber Johnny (qv).
blow mud v. To noisily expel a loose stool; crop spray (qv).
blue-veined custard chucker. Penis. Also blue veined piccolo, blue veined Havana.
bobby's helmet n. Bell end. From the distinctive shape of the British police constable's hat.
boff v. To **** (qv).
boiler n. An ugly woman one would prefer not to service.
bollocks n. 1. Nonsense; balls, as in: 'Thats utter bollocks'. 2. Knackers; balls, as in: 'Them's massive bollocks'.
bomb bay n. The arse; the area of one's body towards which the rear gunner (qv) is attracted.
boner US n. An erection; stiffy.
bonk v. To boff (qv).
bonk-on n. Erection, as in: 'A copy of Fiesta and a box of tissues please, Mr Newsagent. I've got a right big bonk on'.
Boris n. used by females Vagina.
bosch v. To drill a hole between cubicles in a public lavatory for the purpose of spying on, or making your **** available to, your neighbour (for example, the future Bishop of Durham).
bott v. A sex act performed by botters (qv).
botter (bot-aw) n. He who botts.
Bourneville Boulevard euph. Arse; fudge tunnel. Used to denote homosexuality, as in: 'I believe he strolls down the Bourneville Boulevard".
Bovril bullets n. Stools; excrement.
bowk v. To barf; vomit; boy up; create a pavement pizza (qv).
Bowling from the Pavilion end euph. Botting (qv).
box of assorted creams Aus. n. A sexually promiscuous female, as in: 'Watch yourself there Bruce, that one's a right Box of Assorted Creams'.
box n. 1. Vagina. As in: 'Look at that lovely little box'. 2. In cricket, a gentleman's protective device worn around the undercarriage (qv). As in: 'Eeeeargh! 1 wish I'd worn a box".
breast fest n. The summer months during which women sunbathe topless.
brim n. The skirting around the base of one's helmet (qv).
Bristols ryhm. slang Tits. From Bristol Citys - titties.
brown bullet-hole euph. Bumhole; barking spider (qv).
brown hatter n. One who bowls from the Pavilion end (qv) and in so doing tarnishes his bobbies helmet (qv).
brown sword n. See banjo.
brown trout n. A ****e.
brown pipe engineer n. A plumber who comes in the tradesman's entrance.
brown wings n. The honour bestowed on a man after he has completed a successful spell of bowling from the Pavilion end (qv).
BSH abbr. British Standard Handful. The unit by which breasts are often measured.
bucket fanny n. A spacious vagina. Also Tardis ****.
buffty Scotch n. A gay man.
build a log cabin euph. To pass an enormous, solid stool. As in: 'I wouldn't go in there mate. Someone's just built a log cabin'.
bulldog eating porridge euph. The vagina in the aftermath of sex. From Shakespeare’s Henry IV. 'Lo, 1 see my ladies' bulldog hath been eating porridge again'.
bullshat v. Past tense of bull****. As in 'The liar, he bullshat me'.
bum bandit n. A robber, outlaw or highwayman, who steals people's bottoms.
bum chain n. A rather intimate version of the Conga danced by those on the other bus (qv).
bum cigar n. In after dinner conversation, a stool. 'Well, if you'll excuse me 1 think I'll nip upstairs and light a bum cigar'.
bunk up n. 1. Bonk; ****. As in: "Darling, you look beautiful tonight. Any chance of a bunk up?' 2. Assistance climbing, as in: '****. I'm so pissed I can't get onto the bed. Giz a bunk up will ya?"
burp the worm See bash the bishop.
bury a quaker euph. To release a payload from the bomb bay (qv).

cabbage n. Girls; totty (qv). As in 'I'm looking forward to going out this evening. I hope to get some cabbage',
cable laying euph. To excrete solid stools. As opposed to crop spraying (qv).
Cadbury Alley n. See Bourneville Boulevard.
camel's foot n. Of leggings and tight jeans, those folds generated in a ladies crotch when they are pulled up too tightly. See also Twix lips.
can US n. Bottom.
Captain's Pie n. 1. Hairy pie; haddock pastie (qv). 2. Of ship's catering, that pie which belongs to the captain.
carnival knowledge n. Latin phrase meaning to have intimidate relations with. As in: "Have you had carnival knowledge with your wife within the last two weeks?"
carpenter's dream euph. Sexually promiscuous woman. As in: 'Flat as a board, and easy to screw".
carpet muncher euh. One who eats hairy pie (qv). Nothing to do with pillow biting.
Casanova's rubber sock n. Condom; blob (qv).
cauliflower euph. Sex. e.g. 'I fancy doing a bit of cauliflower'. From 18th C. slang for vagina.
cavalier n. Uncircumcised penis.
Chalfonts rhym. slang Haemorrhoids. As in: Chalfont St. Giles
chapel hat pegs simile used describe large, erect nipples. in: 'Phoarr! She had nipples like chapel hat pegs'. Also pygmies cocks.
Charlies n. 70s Tits; breasts.
charms n. In British tabloid journalism, the breasts.
chebs n. Tits; breasts.
cheese See knob cheese.
cheese ridge n. The fertile are of the penis where knob cheese (qv) is cultivated. Also banjo (qv).
cheesey wheelbarrow n. The penis, as it might appear while being pushed by an uphill gardeners .
chichis Mexican n. Tits; breasts.
chocolate chimney sweep euph. He who applies his purple headed womb broom (qv) t
dirtier duties.
chocolate eye n. Bumhole.
chocolate speedway also chocolate whizzway n. Bumhole poop chute.
chocolate speedway rider n Botter (qv).
chocolate starfish n. Se chocolate eye, speedway, etc.
choke the chicken euph. Se bash the bishop; burp the worm.
choozies Aus. n. Tits; breasts.
chopper n. Penis. As in: "That Andy Cole couldn't score in a brothel with a £50 note wrapped round his chopper".
chubblies n. A fat womans choozies (qv).
chuck your muck euph. To drain one's spuds; ejaculate.
chuckies n. Balls.
chuff 1. v. To pass wind; shoot a bunny rabbit. e.g. 'Oops! Best open a window vicar. 1 believe I've just chuffed". 2. n. Vagina; ladies front bottom.
chuff mountain EEC n. Surplus of woman guests at a party,
Chuftie plug n. Tampon.
chunder v. To produce a pavement pizza (qv); barf.
chutney farmer euph. A man who rears chocolate starfish; botter (qv). Also chutney ferret.
chutney locker n. Rectum.
circle jerk n. A shared round of hand shandies (qv).
clagnuts n. Dangleberries (qv). also tagnuts.
clam jousting n. A sexual encounter between lesbians. also Velcro fastening.
clam smacker n. A lesbian.
clarts n. Tacky excrement, such s would cling to the lavatory owl above the water level rather than slip into the water.
clear the custard euph. To have a long overdue ****. e.g. oooooh... I've got balls like boulders. I'd better nip upstairs and clear the custard".
clinkers Aus. n. Difficult to remove poo particles; winnits; kling-ons,
cludgie n. ****house; lavatory; thunderbox.
cluster**** n. A regrettable situation of immense idiocy.
coco sombrero n, Mexican variation of brown hat.
combustoflatulation n. The highly dangerous act of flame throwing with one's trouser trumpet.
conkers See hairy conkers.
Constable n. A roughly shaven minge.
copper bolt v. A solid stool.
corybungo n. Arse; backside.
costume drama n. The frantic behaviour of a woman who cannot decide what to wear for a party. See also period drama.
cottage v. To go house hunting on Bourneville Boulevard (qv), looking for something a bit more solid than a log cabin (qv).
council gritter rhyming slang Arsehole; dirtbox. Council gritter ****ter. As in: "Watch that one. 1 hear he takes it up the council gritter". Also Gary Glitter,
crab ladder n. Penis.
cranberry dip n. A special recipe for hairy pie (qv) available only during rag week (qv).
crapper n. Lavatory, From the German inventor of the self cleaning water closet, Thomas ****ehousen.
cream v. To ejaculate.
crouton n. An erection; bone.
crop spraying euph. To have diarrhoea. As opposed to cable laying (qv). For example, a doctor may enquire: 'So, how's your old Gary Glitter? Have you been cable laying or crop spraying?"
cumuli nimbus n. The posh Latin term for oral sex; the stimulation of the clematis.
**** bubble 1. n. An air lock up the fanny, often leading to a minge burp. 2. interj. Something Paul Whicker says when punching the bishop (as opposed to bashing the bishop).
cupcake n. A small quantity of fart-gas caught in the palm of the hands and then deposited in a person's face.
curd n. Jizz, or gism (qv).
curl one off v. To carefully deliver a stool - curler n. A lump of excrement so delivered. Also crimp off a length naval slang.
cut the cheese euph. To fart.

dags Aus. n. Dangleberries (qv).
dangleberries n. Winnits; excrement adhering to the hair around a badly wiped bottom.
**** wheat US n. Male pubic hair. Also **** weed.
diddies See diddy ride.
diddy ride See *** ****.
diesel **** US n. Butch lesbian; stone; fanny nosher.
dinner masher n. A diner who arrives on the other bus (qv).
dirtbox n. Rectum.
dishonourable discharge n. The shameful result of bashing the bishop (qv).
dobber n. A semi-erect penis.
dog n. Hound; boiler; tug boat; sea monster.
dog's bullocks euph. Bees knees; donkey's knob.
dog's egg n. A dog turd, often 'laid’ on the pavement.
dog's match n. Any sexual encounter in public place, in bushes, doorways, under lamp posts etc.
doggies n. Intercourse in the position adopted by dogs, usually near some dustbins.
dollymop n. An amateur or inexperienced prostitute.
donkey rigged adj. Possessing a large penis.
draw mud from the well See follow through.
drink from both taps euph, To be bisexual; a switch hitter (qv); AC/DC.
drop a pebble euph. To erroneously emit a small body of faeces whilst attempting to break wind, Also follow through.
drop out n. When a testicle protrudes from the bottom of your underpants, or in Peter Beardsley's case, football shorts. As opposed to flop out (qv).
drop the kids off at the pool euph. To have a ****.
dry bob n. Sex without male ejaculation.
dugs n. Breasts; baps; paps.
dunny Aus. n. Toilet. Also a popular nickname for someone called Dunn.
dump v. To drop a log; release the poop payload.
dunkie n. Contraceptive sheath.
dust the duvet v. To bash the bishop, especially at bedtime.
Dutch oven n. The area beneath the bedclothes after ones partner has just played the dawn chorus on his botty bugle.

Eartha Kitts rhym. slang ****s; diarrhoea. Also the Brad Pitts.
Eccles snake n. A penis with warts.
Emmas rhyming slang Haemorrhoids. After the brainy media sex pot Emma Freud, daughter of sour faced dog food chef Clement. Also Nobbies (qv).
empty the anaconda euph. To have a piss.

fadge n. A cross between a fanny and a vagina.
fairy hammock n. Panties.
family jewels euph. The knackers; male genitalia.
fanny flange n. Clitoris.
fanny batter n. Crusty residue found on a hairy pie (qv).
fanny magnet n. A flash car towards the driver of which totty (qv) is attracted.
fanny rat n. 1. Penis. 2. Sexually promiscuous male.
farmers rhym. slang Piles. From Farmer Giles.
farting strings n. An imagined part of the body which can be damaged by over exertion through laughter. e.g. 'Hey! Stop it will ya, before 1 bust me farting strings'.
feeding the ducks euph. ****ing. From the apparent similarity in hand movements.
fetch v. To lick lemon curd out of a tea towel holder (qv).
finsbury bridge See barse.
firey surprise n. To receive a brand spanking new electric fire that you never knew about.
firing blanks v. Post snip ejaculation. e.g. 'You can put the rib-ticklers away love, I'm firing blanks'.
fish mitten n. Haddock pastie; lab kebab; vertical bacon sandwich (qv).
fish supper euph. chauvinistic Carnival knowledge (qv) to which, by rights, a husband is entitled at the end of the day. See also get up them stairs.
fist magnet n. Someone who deserves a punch in the face.
fitbin interj. A brand new and extremely rude swearword invented by Sweary Mary for the purpose of annoying WHSmiths.
five knuckle shuffle euph. A one-handed work out to a Cindy Crawford exercise video.
fizzing at the bung hole euph. To denote sexual arousal in women.
fleshy fugelhorn n. Another musical variation on the bed flute; pink oboe.
float an air biscuit euph. To release a fart.
floater n. 1. Scotch A turd in the pan which will not flush away. 2. Member of the crap 70s soul band, e.g. Larry.
flop out n. When the flaccid penis protrudes through the bottom of your underpants, often whilst moving from a sitting to standing position.
florins rhyming slang ****s. From the former florin coin, known as 'two bob bits'.
fluffer n. A female employed on the set of porno movies to stimulate male actors between takes.
fnarr fnarr! interj. A suppressed and childish exclamation of amusement at the utterance of a double entre.
follow through v. To accidentally soil ones underpants whilst attempting to fart; to obtain russet gusset: drop a pebble (qv).
French **** n. In sophisticated society, a *** ****; sausage sandwich (qv).
fried eggs n. Small breasts. As in: 'Do you fancy that Kate Moss?' 'Naaaah! Tits like fried eggs .
frock v. Of lavender marriages, a cosmetic husband. The lesbian's equivalent of a beard (qv).
front bottom See fur burger.
****wit n. Simpleton; one of little intelligence; bollock brain.
fun bags n. Breasts; knockers; thruppennies (qv).
fur burger See front bottom.
furry bicycle stand See fish mitten.