The Joke's On You

[rah]

Well, as long as we're recycling old jokes.


~~ Beethoven's Ninth - The Legendary Performance ~~~


A couple of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Batter. At this point, you must understand two things:

1. Bass players hate playing Beethoven's 9th. There's a long
segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have
a thing to do... not a single note for page after page!

2. There's a tavern called Dez's 400 right across the street from
the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.

It had been decided that during this performance, after the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and have a few brews.

They had quickly downed the first couple rounds when one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late."

Another (presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place) replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I had tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Batter's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with he other." So they all laughed, had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble.

And if you thought things couldn't get worse, both first-stand players soon passed out right in their chairs! Batter was furious and on the verge of completely loosing it, as he began making gestures at the bases while trying to finish the piece and flip tied pages. But the absolute *worst* part of it: (brace yourself)

Batter was up at the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied with the basses loaded and two men out.

[Japher]

The was, without a doubt, the worse joke i have ever heard

[SlowwHand]

I've never heard that.

[gunkulator]

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer. And a mop.

[Tuberski]

The "Foo" bird
In ancient times there was a community known as the Goodnu's. As all communities did in these times the Goodnu's lived right on the river bank for trading, transportation and sustenance. Water was almighty and worshipped as a God. One day there was a tremendous hurricane far out in the ocean. It's ferocity blew a large flock of "Foo" birds way off course sending them inland many hundreds of miles and in the vicinity of the Goodnu's community. The Goodnu people had never seen a "Foo" bird and were quite curious as to it's sudden and obviously evil presence. The "Foo" bird, as we all know, is a very ugly, evil-looking bird. This caused the Goodnu people to become very uneasy believing they did something wrong to God and that this bird should be avoided. One day a "Foo" bird flew overhead and screeched: "Foo, Foo" and **** on a Goodnu's head. The man ran screaming into the river believing the Holy powers of the river would cleanse him of this evil turd and its consequences. As soon as the man washed this unholy turd from his ear canal he suddenly keeled over and died. The Goodnu's were now convinced of the "Foo" bird's evilness. The next day a woman was outside and heard: "Foo, Foo". Before she could react the "Foo" bird dropped a bomb landing a syrupy turd across her face. Shocked and panicked she ran into the river furiously washing her face of this sloppy stew. The village watched in horror as this woman also died once cleansed of the runny turd. The very next day a village wiseman heard those famous words: "Foo, Foo". He like others had witnessed the terrible deaths of two of his villages' people in the last two days. He too was struck right in the forehead by the "Foo" birds accurately guided turd missile. His first reaction was confusion and he sprinted towards the river. However, he stopped short and thought of his obvious demise should he cleanse the turd wafer from his forehead. He did not cleanse the poo pile from his forehead and lived. So the wiseman went to the other people of the village, gathered them around and stated to them: "There is an obvious lesson here my good people. The moral of this story is: 'If the Foo sh!ts, wear it.'".

ACK!

[Agathon]

q. What did the leper say to the prostitute?

a. Keep the tip.


q. What's worse than spinning a baby round on a clothesline?

q. Stopping it with a shovel


q. What's black and white and can't turn round in corridors?

a. A nun with a javelin through her head.

[mrmitchell]

Why did the girl fall off the swings?

Because someone threw a piano at her

[Method]

for some reason

[Soul Survivor]

i've never seen so many bad jokes in such a concentrated area