The Joke's On You

[SlowwHand]

A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

Two peanuts walk into a bar -- One was a salted. Che?

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this BS before.

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad...or maybe my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu.
But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

My friend drowned in a bowl of mueslix.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.

I went to a seafood disco rave last week ... and pulled a mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam!"

The best for last:
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"Why?, Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

[MattH]

Mods, PLEASE lock this tread before it goes any further

[geeslaka]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I did that once. It was fun.

[Alex]

Lock this thread and ban the thread starter.

[Thue]

Re: The Joke's On You

Originally posted by SlowwHand
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

For some reason I enjoyed that one most .

[DanielXY]

yes, ban

[The diplomat]

Re: The Joke's On You

Originally posted by SlowwHand
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

[geeslaka]

Sorry Sloww, bad jokes and worse puns are not appreciated by this audience.

[Dinner]

Nothing like a good physics joke to brighten the day.

[*End Is Forever*]

[Az]

Good job, Sloww.

[Sava]

Sloww, you just earned yourself a trip to Cuba with this thread...

[SlowwHand]

Tough crowd.

[GePap]

Oh, bad jokes and puns?

A man walks into a bar..ouch.

[Dinner]

Learn more about "International Dating Etiquette"


ITALIAN WOMAN:

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.

Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti &meatballs.

Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring.

5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.

6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.


CAUCASIAN WOMAN:

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.

Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.



BLACK WOMAN:

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.

Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.

Third Date: You get to pay her rent.

Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you!



IRISH WOMAN:

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.



JEWISH WOMAN:

First Date: You get laid & get dynamite head.

Second Date: You get more great head.

Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head nor have sex again.



PERSIAN WOMAN:

First Date: You fill out the mandatory family questionnaire listing all your assets, along with your pedigree.

Second Date: You go out to the park with her and her whole family comes along.

Third Date: She claims she's a virgin and refuses to have sex with you.

Fourth Date: She makes up for the past ten years of sexual deprivation in one night. You're rushed to a hospital for exhaustion.



LATIN WOMAN

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite, have sex in the back of her car.

Second Date: She is pregnant.

Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.



POLISH WOMAN:

First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn't home. She gave you the wrong address.

Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant.

She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home.

Third Date: She's pregnant. She's not sure if its hers.



KOREAN WOMAN:

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.

Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.

Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.



INDIAN WOMAN:

First date: Meet her parents.

Second date: Set the date of the wedding.

Third date: Wedding night