Know any good American jokes?

[Vince278]

As an American myself I always have been curious as to what jokes are told about Americans by others. I think these jokes can be a window showing how we are perceived by others and we all can learn alot from that. Don't worry about offending me, I realize its all in good fun but lets keep it clean so we don't get into trouble.

[alva]

http://apolyton.net/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=89296

[Vince278]

Originally posted by alva


http://apolyton.net/forums/showthrea...threadid=89296

I read through the entire thread and I don't get it. Unless you're saying their line of discussion is a joke in of itself.

[Inverse Icarus]

there was something in ww2, where we were notorious for friendly fire. the joke went something like:

when the germans fire, the french duck.
when the british fire, the germans duck.
when the americans fire, everbody ducks.

[MrFun]

We set up puppet dictatorships in other countries in the name of freedom and democracy during the Cold War.

[Lonestar]

An Italian, Frenchman, and American were at a Bar. The Italian starts talking about how he screwed his wife 3 times the previous night, and told him he was the best lover in all of Italy.

The Frenchman Goes, "That's nothing, I screwed my wife 5 times last night, and she said I was the greatest lover in all of Europe."

The Euros looked over at the American, who's drinking his beer.

"Well, I only had sex with my wife once last night." The American said. The other two laughed.

"And what did your wife say this morning, eh?" Snorted the Frenchie.






"Don't stop."

[Demerzel]

Originally posted by Lonestar
An Italian, Frenchman, and American were at a Bar. The Italian starts talking about how he screwed his wife 3 times the previous night, and told him he was the best lover in all of Italy.

The Frenchman Goes, "That's nothing, I screwed my wife 5 times last night, and she said I was the greatest lover in all of Europe."

The Euros looked over at the American, who's drinking his beer.

"Well, I only had sex with my wife once last night." The American said. The other two laughed.

"And what did your wife say this morning, eh?" Snorted the Frenchie.






"Don't stop."

I presume she was saying that to her English lover?

[Lonestar]

No, no....Englishmen are uptight non-romantics, remember?

[Dauphin]

It is said that Mohandas Ghandi was asked, "What is your opinion of American civilization?"

His reply: "I think it would be an excellent idea."

[Dauphin]

The following is allegedly the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995, as released by the Chief of Naval Operations:

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[Lonestar]

Originally posted by Big Crunch
The following is allegedly the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995, as released by the Chief of Naval Operations:

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Joke's been around since the '30's, and it was originally a British Ship.

INcidently, Ghandi thought Western Civilization would be a good idea.

[Dauphin]

Well most jokes are the same with a *insert country here* label.

[Vince278]

Originally posted by Big Crunch
Well most jokes are the same with a *insert country here* label.

I was hoping to avoid generic jokes. How about we try lightbulb jokes? Here's a few to start things off:

How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. But it has to be done before tea time.

How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Don't know. They're still criticizing the US lightbulb teams in the UN.

Here's one from Star Trek -
How many Klingons does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One actually does the work and other shoots him and takes credit.

My favorite is one from Babylon 5 -
How many Centauri does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. But in the old days hundreds of servants could screw in thousands of lightbulbs.

[PresidentMarcos]

No, I don't know any American jokes. But I know a whole s***load of Polsih jokes. Here is one...
(Highlight to read, I couldn't risk offending anyone)
A Polak, an American, and a German had a room full of dirty
tampons, and they decided to have a contest to see who could stay in
there the longest. First it was the American's turn. The other two
locked him in the room and waited. A week later, they heard him
whimpering and pounding on the door so they let him out.
"That is the sickest smell I have ever endured!" cried the
American. "I couldn't stay in there another minute!"
Next it was the German's turn. After a month he finally banged
on the door to be let out. "Oh God, that is the most putrid smell in
the world! I couldn't take it another minute!" he cried as he gasped
for breath.
Finally it was the Polak's turn. They locked him in the room
and waited. A week went by, a month, a year. The German and American
heard nothing. Finally they began to worry, so they yelled through the
door, "You can come out now! You've won the contest by far!"
To which the Polak yelled back, "No, not yet! I'm not done
eating the jelly donuts."

I got it off of a website. And no offense.

Also, don't ban me.

[Zero]

ok I dunno if this is a joke that makes fun of americans or mexicans but here it goes:

Theres 3 people on a plane. Japanese, mexican and an american. The mexican guy opens the window and starts throwing tacos out from the plane. Japanese guys asks what he's doing and mexican guy replies 'We have too many of these in our country'. So japanese guy thinks for a moment and grabs a bag of rice and starts throwing them out too. The American guy notices this and asks him what he is doing, and the japanese guy gives the same answer: We have too many of these in our country. Then the American guy thinks for a moment, grabs the mexican guy and chucks him off the plane. He looks at the horrified japanese guy and replies "we have too many of these in our country".

Pat would love this joke.