The Glory of News - SPECIAL WAR EDITION!

[bongo]

Is it just me or is 'Having the PBEM-blues' a quite normal condition around here?

[Master Zen]

The Glory of News
All the News thats unfit to print

1270 AD SPECIAL VICTORY EDITION


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SPECIAL WESTERN FRONT REPORT
Stormchickens break through Lego naval blockade!
Transport commander awarded the Iron Tequila by GoW.


QUANTO MECHANICO - In what will be forever remembered as one of the most daring, clever and lucky military operations in history, Stormian transports led a valiant suicide charge against various crippled Lego battleships, sinking them and paving the way for the rest of the fleet to land at Quanto Mechanico which had been left undefended by the Lego Army. "I never thought we'd make it" said Commander Watergrog of the Transport fleet, "Our artillery surprised the dreadnoughts and damaged them heavily, but their 15-inch guns just blew some of our ships out of the water. Fortunately enough of us managed to creep in close and sink the massive ships with the collissions. With their ships gone, the harbor was open for our landing".

In recognition of such valor, the Emperor of GoW, Master Zen has awarded Commander Watergrog and the Stormian high command the elusive Iron Tequila award. Former GoW Emperor Aggie explained what the award entailed: "The Iron Tequila award is not a decoration we give out often, in fact, it calls not just for acts of bravery above and beyond the call of duty, it calls for acts of utter stupidity which no sane person would ever conceivably do which means the bearer was surely in a profound drunken state. No sober person would ever have thought that he could take on those battleships with just troop transports."

The Glory of News managed to get ahold of Commander Watergrog after the awards was given to him in a hospital bed where he is recuperating from wounds suffered during the attack. "Wow, I am so honored, the truth is I was absolutlely WASTED on that crap, ever since we allied with GoW they've been sending case after case of wine and tequila, we were kinda depressed that Lego had been one step ahead of us along the way, so we stole some cases and got so drunk we coudn't even feel our legs! And that's when I suddenly felt our transports were these huge dreadnoughts which could just tear the enemy to pieces!" Fortunately, bombs and torpedoes stored inside the ships detonated as the transports crashed into the battleships, sinking them with many casualties.

The Iron Tequila award is awarded to members of the GoW or allied armed forces for "acts of valor and stupidity above and beyond the call of duty and sobriety". It is also awarded with various ranks, the Iron Tequila with Salt, the Iron Tequila with Salt and Lemon and the highest award: The Iron Tequila with Salt, Lemon and Worm.




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SPECIAL EASTERN FRONT REPORT
Triumph and Tragedy at Fort Stanwix!
Almost half a million fall in battle.

FORT STANWIX - For a moment it looked like the Battle of Fort Stanwix would result in GoW's greatest defeat in military history with casualties in excess of the entire Bobian war. But a surprise flank attack by Stormian tanks followed by a tremendous artillery barrage culminated in a dramtic battle as GoW Marines fought the renmants of the cities defenders and almost half of Lego's armored units street by street, house by house. "It is hell on Earth" remarked Cpl. Punishment, GoW Marine of the Trafalgar Regiment. "We have been without sleep for the past 3 days, artillery shrieks pierce the sky as shells fly in every direction and more importantly there are no decent toilet paper supplies, my ass is red from having to clean up with Lego manuals".

Casualties have ravaged both sides. Pvt. Parts, GoW Marine from the Neptune Regiment gave us an account of the horror. "Only half my regiment remains from the day we landed here, we've suffered from Lego tank attacks, artillery barrages and now a desperate defense by various Infantry divisions. My best friend, Private Screening, got killed when a house was rigged with hundreds of lego blocks on the floor. He slipped and fell and died, those dirty bastards NEVER clean up after they play!"

But these were not the only horrors to have struck GoW soldiers. Cpl. Flogging witnessed the grueling fury of a Lego defense. We were assaulting an entire block of houses which was occupped by the battered remnants of the enemy 26th Tank division. My marine squad and me charged into the houses with grenades, but from behind the buildings the remaining tanks demolished the houses and everything collapsed on us. Those were not regular block though, those were DUPLO blocks, over four times as big and heavy! We thought the Monterrey Convention outlawed Duplo blocks and our helments were only made to protect us against regular blocks. This is a war crime if there ever was any".

Fort Stanwix was finally captured after what analysts are calling the largest and bloodiest battle in history with almost as many dead as the entire Bobian War. Near the ruined battleground was built Port Sacrifice in honor of all the Warmonger, Legomen and Stormchickens which fell in the maelstrom.


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84% of Legomen disapprove of GoW Occupation

IMPERIAL CITY - A survey was conducted almost immediately after much of Legoland was occupied by the advancing Warmonger Army regarding the sentiments of the local population over foreign occupation. "Many of these people had never seen a bearded lady before" said a GoW census-taker, "the objective of this study is to determine whether continous hostility to occupation would result in violence and the creation of resistance groups". In the capital, Legopolis, 84% people responded with "We hate those mother****ing warmonger back-stabbing gang-banging smelly barbarian pieces of Rider crap". 6% responded with "Well, we really don't care *hick* they brought with them this really great wine... *hick* ... " and finally, 10% responded with "Oh great! They're here to liberate us from those evil Stormians!".

Polls in Panama, Kloreepville, Zargonia, Port Hammer and Sharpehaven showed similar results. A further survey will be done after the 10% of deluded locals are informed that it's really an occupation and not a liberation.

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Search for MrWIA continues as Riders head to the front again!

TRAFALGAR - One by one they left the barracks at Yellowknife, Killdaria and other cities. For some people watching the spectacle on the streets it was the first time they had ever seen them before: their shiny and sharp sabres, their beautifully groomed white horses and the menacing black armor which covered them. "It was just like the books we read at school!" said some GoW schoolchildern who watched with awe. These were the last remaining Rider Regiments still in active service, considered the elite of the Cavalry Corps though little use in modern combat was thought possible for them. "Their speed and ability to traverse terrain quicker than even tanks make them indespensable in the Lego campaign" said Colonel Mustard. "400 years ago they liberated our homeland from foreigners, today their services are needed once more for the Empire"

Among those who were sent to Legoland was the mythical Sir UnOrthOdOx Regiment, famous for its role in one of GoW's most beloved literary masterpieces "The Trappings of War". When one rider was asked what their mission on Legoland was he responded just like he would have centuries ago "To find MrWIA and kick his butt!"



Article re-posted

[Arrian]

The Iron Tequila award is not a decoration we give out often, in fact, it calls not just for acts of bravery above and beyond the call of duty, it calls for acts of utter stupidity which no sane person would ever conceivably do which means the bearer was surely in a profound drunken state.

Although it was actually Theseus who first suggested a suicide transport charge...

-Arrian

[Master Zen]

I have no idea who it was, I just thought Commander Krill sounded funny because of the old PC game :P

/me changes the article

[Arrian]

No need, MZ. Besides, there was more to it than Theseus' original thought (which was actually mentioned a turn or two ago).

DeepO & Aeson deserve most of the credit for the victory, really.

T's an ideas man, like me. I tend to say things like "break stuff!" or "let's grab ToE!" Guys like DeepO make it actually happen.

-Arrian

[DeepO]

Arrian, while Theseus did suggest the transport attack of last turn (which ultimately led to the transport charge this turn), he was not the first... vulture deserves that credit. Theseus 'only' recycled the idea, which Aeson picked up this turn.

However let's not make this a personal glory thing. The whole team has worked for several months on this. And while maybe only one alliance side of the war actually won, the other side deserves just as much credit. Even if the outcome is so anti-climatic for Lego, they should feel pride for their accomplishments, just as we are entitled to that.

DeepO

[DeepO]

In short, MZ, I would prefer if you change that commander name to Grog, or WaterGrogged. We were too late in naming our transport (it had already moved), but for us this was as important a unit as that other famous Grog of all those centuries ago. Maybe one of these days we will find Grog a tank, for the moment he has to be content with a transport ship.

DeepO

[Master Zen]

Commander Watergrog it is...

[DeepO]

Thanks

DeepO

[ZargonX]

Hey, guys, we get it: you won. You don't really have to keep rubbing it in every day. There is a line between fun and poor sportsmanship. We have not bedgruded you your victory, we'd ask that you do the same for us.

[Master Zen]

Originally posted by ZargonX
Hey, guys, we get it: you won. You don't really have to keep rubbing it in every day. There is a line between fun and poor sportsmanship. We have not bedgruded you your victory, we'd ask that you do the same for us.

It was a news story just like all the other ones I've written, it was not done with the intention of making fun out of anyone.

I have removed it in case it ends up offending anyone else :/

[ZargonX]

It was a news story just like all the other ones I've written, it was not done with the intention of making fun out of anyone.

MZ, I know you did not do it to hurt anyone's feelings, but please be sensitive of our point of view. This was two years of dedication to something that went up in smoke in the space of one turn. We don't need to keep seeing stories of our cities falling and our armies dying, nor do we need to keep hearing about how brilliant our opponents strategies were. One of you may find yourselves in a similar position sometime in the future, and I wager you would feel much the same.

I know no one means to be mean-spirited, but please keep my words in mind.

[Arrian]

Perhaps in time it can be discussed further, but it's probably not a good idea for us to really say much more for now. I certainly understand Lego's situation (although I think members of Lux, RP & Vox may have an even better understanding), and have no desire to be a jerk about it.

-Arrian

[DeepO]

That was exactly why I thought that perhaps you guys would welcome a bit of strategy discussion. We do not think that Lego was any less in strategy, on the contrary. We have logged many fine examples, where we were taken by your manoeuvres. I think you can find comfort in that. The problem is of course that the second in any war, also loses... and somehow the brilliancy of the second one seems to be forgotten over time.
However, the wounds are too fresh. I can certainly understand that.

But be kind to MZ, he is in the middle of the turn, and at this moment the rush of victory is still upon him. The real consequence of this only settles a couple of days later. GS discussed for 2 days how to break the news to you, and to the public... by that time that victory rush was largely, if not completely gone. We are stunned as well, you know, even if from time to time people drop in, see the carnage, and experience that same first rush again which they didn't feel the first time around (as they weren't present when the turn was played).

It is now 4 days after breaking through your blockade. There is no rush anymore, only the sadness remains. And in 4 days time, MZ will feel exactly the same.

DeepO

[Master Zen]

Oh I feel bad about it. Terrible I'd say. Our relationship with Lego had for the most part been quite good if not excellent throught the game.

Unfortunately we are all here to win, and sometimes we must do things which we don't like to. I'm glad this is only a game, I'm not sure if we'd all have the guts to do this kind of thing in real life (then again you don't actually "win" in RL either)

Regarding the news stories I thought a little humor might come in handy and I feel none of the stories were degrading or offensive. I guess I was wrong so I apologize.