The Phalanx Editorial Office

[Primus Pilus]

hesitant to say about finding jungle/uranium/geo etal. some potential misdirection could be "Spartan Citizens enjoy first Virtual War Simulations", implying REC/HOLO advances..."SC? Farm Production keeps pace with Growth Initiative and asks Sparta Cmd for spare Housing Pre-Fabs", implying Creche/GeneSp..."Rolling Thunder gets Upgrade, now strikes enemy with death before they see it coming", implying Arty advances...btw, any and all of our Armored Divs can and should be placed in our propoganda machine. No disrespect to the other units.

[Kassiopeia]

Lemmy's arrival must be capitalised to the fullest for the massive media event it is! I can already see the headlines in my mind:

Lemmy Joins the Spartan Ranks, Undead Army to Follow

Spartan Faction Declared "Incredibly Evil"

It'll be a good opportunity to educate the heathens too!

[Skanky Burns]

The gates have been unlocked for teh Lemmy. Already this place feels darker and much more evil.

Nice.

[GeneralTacticus]

Hmmm... I forsee a sudden drop in the demand for pensions...

[Maniac]

Originally posted by GeneralTacticus
Hmmm... I forsee a sudden drop in the demand for pensions...

In that case I propose to organize a luxurious reform and pay higher pensions. We would make ourselves popular without it costing much.

[Kassiopeia]

Originally posted by Maniac


In that case I propose to organize a luxurious reform and pay higher pensions. We would make ourselves popular without it costing much.

Excellent idea, but then you are the Colonel

[Kassiopeia]

First draft of the definitive Lemmy article.

Lemmy Joins Spartan Ranks

by Captain Kassiopeia

Sparta Command. Spartan citizens were nonplussed earlier today to sense an incredibly foul stench floating across the streets of Sparta Command. The cause for it was soon apparent, as a detachment of zombies, vampires, reanimated skeletons and various other necromantic creatures was seen marching in the streets. Their reason remained unknown, until the entourage arrived at the gate of Sparta Command. A single man emerged from the group and approached the distressed private guarding the entrance.

''Tell the Colonel that Lemmy wants to see him', he told me, I swear", said the guard once our reporter got a hold of him. The rumors are true: the infamous practicionist of witchcraft, lesser evilness, necromancy and horrendously bad humour has become a Spartan.

Undead Army to follow

Our courageus (and newly hired) journalist approached his Lemminess, and the Dutchie answered to a few questions before making him disappear in a ball of fire.

According to the information we could scavenge from his recorder, Lemmy intends to bring his renown Army of the Undead to do his (and the High Command's) bidding.

When asked on the status of the Undead Army, Lemmy had this to say: "I wonder if my [Undead] legion [of Doom] is still around.... i left them here when i got inactive, they should be around somewhere "

After further beseeching and search, units of the Doom Legion started to appear seemingly out of nowhere in Sparta Command. Lemmy also took the opportunity to visit the military burial ground near the Recycling Tanks, but was most disappointed to discover that the headstones had only symbolical value. Lieutenant Colonel Maniac has promised that this practice will be abolished. The Undead Legion will form its own unit, while other undead will be attached to regular units as is seen fit.

Spartan faction now "incredibly evil"

Soon after the appearance of Lemmy, the professor of evilogy at the Spartan Academy, Doctor Olga Virtanen, held a press conference today to explain the results of a study conducted by her research group.

"The faction had a disproportionately quotient of Finnish people as it were. Add to that the fact that the Spartan faction is by default quite evil. When you compound that with the effect of Lemmy's almost-but-not-quite Finnish evilness, it completely tilts the balance. The second closest faction is the Gaians, but their level of Finnishness is only 50% of that of the Spartans.

What we are now experiencing are unforeseen levels of evil in the faction. Our study predicts that this and the Undead Army will make Spartan domination of Planet at least 76% more probable, upping the likelihood of it to 0.99993. Sparta is now inexorably, totally, vehemently, incredibly evil. "

A clouded past uncovered

The fact that i command an undead army, doesn't mean i brutally kill people.
-- Lemmy

Who is the fabled man whose history no one seems to really know? We here at The Phalanx did our reading and put together A Brief History of the Lemmy.

It all started, in the ACDG anyway, quite "innocently" in the second ever Recreation Commons. A pile of credits were left in a cabinet in the Commons, meant for TKG as a 2% of the profit. Lemmy decided to steal these funds, and the world was never quite the same again.

Lemmy was accused of Grand Theft Mikrocred (originally Not So Grand Theft Mikrocred). A jail sentence was being planned, when Kassiopeia discovered that Lemmy wanted to get imprisoned, to be the first person ever on Chiron to be jailed. Not set back by this in the least, Kassiopeia turned on his heels and kicked up a campaign to keep Lemmy out of jail at all costs.

This prompted Lemmy to confess his true nature once and for all:

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!
I confess, i did it!!!! I did it all, i stole the money, i confess to the Grand Theft Xenobrew, i confess to the serial killings!! And you know why i did it? Because i'm evil


Yeah, that's right, EVIL!!!

* Lemmy knocks out Kass for "helping" him.

See, i'm evil...Mwuahahahhahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* Lemmy flees to his hidden lair in New Suez Section 8, sublevel 2, in the east wing to contemplate his world domination plans.

When the trial finally took place, a sense of "now that we're at it" overwhelmed everyone, and a pile of charges were laid besides the credit theft.

The full list is as follows:

- Serial murder (e.g. Zakharov VII, Tacticalmarine, juliennew, other vanished posters)
- Kidnapping Commissioner Crisler
- Grand Theft Mikrocred
- Grand Theft Xenobrew
- Being evil
- Witchcraft (turning Kassiopeia into Furniture)
- Necromancy (raising an army of the undead)
- Leaving the scene of a crime
- Use of horrendously bad humour while on duty (the details on this one are sketchy but trust me, it was bad)

Lemmy was found guilty of (at least) the Grand Theft Mikrocred charge. He was declared innocent on most charges, though, and was convicted to do community service in Rec Commons III.

After Case Lemmy things got a bit quieter, but only for a while, for then...

Originally posted by Kassiopeia
Maniac should really do something about the restroom. I think the green thing growing behind the urinals that I saw three weeks ago is going to reach sentience and try to overthrow Mankind soon.

Other Lemmy-related threads:

http://apolyton.net/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=67098

There was a poll thread (by Hercules, I believe) with a poll that decided Lemmy's guilt, but it appears to have been lost to the mists of time.

[Maniac]

Ah the good old days.

[Zeiter]

Hehehe, this is great. Now, I think it's clear that we just have to nervestaple Sparta Command. The RP material alone would be worth it!

[Maniac]

Hmm, too late. As I got no further comments, I sent the turn on with SC1's worker changed to a doctor for this turn. As Shinsengumi can reach SC1 next turn, nerve stapling would no longer be necessary.

[Zeiter]

Ah well, that's okay. We could still do a story about how Lemmy almost convinced us to nervestaple Sparta Command, or something.

[Zeiter]

Perhaps this would work, if Lemmy doesn't mind giving a little input for the story. (Hint: you can edit this post and write your response.) Oh, and when do we plan on getting the 5th issue published? How about 2130? A nice way to finish up a fine decade, I would think.


Mass Nervestapling Barely Averted!!!

The many citizens of Sparta Command were recently shocked (no pun intended) to learn that they barely averted a mass nerve stapling. The cause of the near mishap? The investigations are yet to be concluded, but it is believed by some top officials that the new Spartan Minister of Evilness, Necromancy, and Other Generally Awful Things, the well-known, and some would say "infamous" Lemmy, was behind it. A mysterious annonymous source, known only as "Deep Coat" gave this account:

"It was a busy day at the HQ. The domestic planning memoranda box was overflowing with suggestions from the various departments, and the field Captains had just radioed in and were asking for orders. Officials were running left and right and the vidfeeds were ringing off the hook. Just then I received a message of possible drone uprisings in Sparta Command. I was too busy to find Lt. Col. Maniac to deliver the message myself, so I handed it to Lemmy, our new recruit in the high command, and told him to deliver the message for me. When I saw that maniacal grin on his face as he was walking away, I had a feeling that there was going to be trouble."

The chief investigator of the case had this to say on the matter:

Chief Investigator: "So far, our intelligence suggests that Lemmy took the memo, went to the nearest vidfeed transmitter, and called up the Sparta Command military police brigade, whereupon he issued the order for total nervestapling of the Sparta Command population. Luckily, Lt. Col. Maniac was notified of the situation in time to cancel the nervestaple order, but it was a very close shave."

Reporter Zeiter: "What evidence do you have that led you to this conclusion?"

Chief Investigator: "We were able to retreive an audio recording of the supposed vidfeed transmission between Lemmy and the Captain of the Sparta Command Police Brigade. The quality of the tape is low, and most of it is inaudible, but we were able to retrieve this vital portion of the tape and analyze it. Let's Listen:"

"...[inadible]...[inaudible]...Mwhahahahaha!!!..."

Chief Investigator: "The voice on the tape is almost an exact match of Lemmy's. We believe that this maniacal laughter indisputably incriminates him."

Determined to get to the bottom of the story, we at The Phalanx decided to ask Lemmy himself for a one-on-one interview.

Reporter Zeiter: "What do you have to say with regards to these allegations of attempted nervestapling of the entire population of Sparta Command?"

Lemmy: "Insert response here."

There you have it. What does this all mean? Who was really the person responsible? I guess we'll just have to wait for the conclusion of the investigation to find out.

[Kassiopeia]

Publication date will vary, 2130 would be nice but I'd rather not publish a half-full paper, so I'd appreciate an article or two more.

[Kassiopeia]

The lack of a new article (or too many posts by me) have not been due to a dearth of articles; rather, I am way too busy at the moment with other stuff to have time to really concentrate on the paper. This should pass in a few weeks' time. (Two words: Matriculation examination)

[Zeiter]

Here's an article with a bit of propaganda concerning our charity with the commlinks, as Maniac suggested. It's also got heaps of anti-Hive rhetoric (I really tried to outdo myself this time. )

I can just picture it: If we ever ally with the Hive, we can be like:

"What? The Hive and us being enemies? Chairman Yang has always been our friend. What you mistook for anti-Hive sentiments were actually constructive criticisms. You see, the closer allies are, the more secure they feel in sharing constructive criticism with each other. So you see, The Hive has actually been a very good ally for a very long time."

Lemmy hasn't inserted a comment into the nervestapling article yet. If it gets time to publish it, we'll need to fill that in. Remind me of that so I don't forget.


Planetary Council Convened!


Faction diplomats eagerly gathered at the U.N. Headquarters planetary governor summit recently, where top officials, heads of state, and envoys heatedly discussed the election of the planetary governor. The election was called by Chairman Yang of the Hive, who had just recently acquired the commlink frequencies for the University and for the Peacekeepers. In order to gain a better perspective of the recent events, The Phalanx asked Captain Kassiopeia, the chief Spartan diplomat, for an interview.

Zeiter: “We at the Phalanx are curious, how exactly did the Hive obtain the University and Peacekeeper commlinks?”

Kassiopeia: “Well, so far we’ve kept that classified, but I suppose we can produce that information now. We at the Sparta Command HQ recently learned that the Gaians had obtained the Hive commlink. The Hive already had communications with the Morganites and Data Angels, so if the Hive were to acquire the University and Peacekeeper commlinks, then Chairman Yang would have all of the commlink frequencies, and would almost surely call elections for planetary governor. We thought that, by getting elections called, we could get all factions of Planet to reunite and hopefully work together towards world peace and success for our human race. There were risks, no doubt. There are always risks when dealing with a brutal dictator, especially one who spends his free time shooting defenseless puppies. We feared that Chairman Yang would hoard the commlinks and use his monopoly on inter-faction communication to further his ambitious weapons programs, which are already reaching terrifying levels of sophistication. But we felt that the prospects of renewed cooperation across the globe were worth the risks.”

Zeiter: “In your opinion, what would a win for Chairman Yang in the elections entail for the next decade?”

Kassiopeia: “Oh, well, that’s quite a broad question, and one that I’m not sure I’m at liberty to answer at this present time. Certainly, whoever wins the planetary governorship will see an increase in economic output, as well as improved intelligence capabilities, but more than that I can’t say.”

Zeiter: “Do you foresee any other major proposals coming to the floor anytime soon?”

Kassiopeia: “Not any major proposals, but we‘re monitoring the Gaian/Hive conflict very closely. We will not long allow the unprovoked agression of the Hive to go unchecked."

Zeiter: “I believe we’ll have to leave it at that. Thank you so much for your time, Captain Kassiopeia.”

Kassiopeia: “My pleasure.”