Wish me luck - we're going in

[Pekka]

Life is very analog. Closure is never as clean and discrete as you imagine it to be. There is always a tailing off.

Quite true. If she won't give me my whip back, she can have it. I can always tell her that when she knows what she wants, she should look me up. That's a nice way of putting things IMO. And gimme my whip! To be honest, I have a bit of a doubt of sadism in her. Meaning she enjoys putting me in distress I feel like. Now that I'm calling her out on that on the spot, she panics. can't have that. She might want to try to put me in distress by playing "I don't think this is working" and see my reaction, but mine will be, "I agree, can I still have my whip?, maybe one for the road?"

So yes, of course I will be sending wedding pics in a year or two, almost guaranteed

edit: I think she has some misandry in her. And I am not even kidding.

[Dinner]

That is actually a good idea. Tell her you are looking for a real committed relationship with someone who is emotionally available and if she can't do that then you are both wasting your time. You can leave it with if she does decide that is what she wants then she can look you up.

[Pekka]

That is actually a good idea. Tell her you are looking for a real committed relationship with someone who is emotionally available and if she can't do that then you are both wasting your time. You can leave it with if she does decide that is what she wants then she can look you up.

I agree, and not only because I came up with the idea (and BE's). That counts for me as a closure. I want to feel as if I did what I could, was open, and it just did not happen. That leaves her the option to open up, and agree or disagree with me. She cannot disagree with the fact that she is unavailable. If she says I am, maybe I should point her to here and see me obsessing about her. One of those, "nothing could be done but everyone was OK" type of things. No need to get all angry or sentimental. And I am not in a hurry to date anyoen for a while, so if I am still single, and she gets in contact with me, does it the right way and is open about her feelings, yeah, we'll go out at least once or twice to see if there's anything there.

[Bereta_Eder]

edit: I think she has some misandry in her. And I am not even kidding.

Some (of that "kind") do... not all.. and those that have it don't realize it most of the time.

Maybe she had some bad experiences (I think you alluded to them some point).

They *can* change but you can't change them. The most you can do is be there IF they are willing to change.

Unless you are madly in love and have found your soul mate (not very probable in these circumstances as they are set) why bother?

Most of the time they find people with proportinately "voids" in their soul and form toxic relations.

Really, you don't want that.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gordian_Knot

(and alexander cut the gordian knot )

[Pekka]

Some (of that "kind") do... not all.. and those that have it don't realize it most of the time.

Maybe she had some bad experiences (I think you alluded to them some point).

They *can* change but you can't change them. The most you can do is be there IF they are willing to change.

Unless you are madly in love and have found your soul mate (not very probable in these circumstances as they are set) why bother?

Most of the time they find people with proportinately "voids" in their soul and form toxic relations.

Really, you don't want that.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gordian_Knot

(and alexander cut the gordian knot )

Yes. Toxic is a good word, for sure. She has made a remark quite several times that she's been sexually abused as a child. So, the trauma part is quite clear and obvious. SO while she puts on this mean, cold and cruel side of her, it follows with almost angelic like "what?? as if nothing happened. That part is disturbing and reminds me of my ex. As in are oyu playing it down by pretending it just did not happen to my face? Once, she hit me in bed, as I snuggled with her, jstu snuggled. A big WHAAM on my hand. True, not really violent, but she hit me hard. She could have moved, or said "dont' snuggle, let me sleep", anything, but hit me about as hard as she could. It didn't hurt, but it was more like wtf.... the next morning she said "I can't remember I might have hit you". Yes, and we all know why. Because I snuggled her. And she definitely remembered it. She has an automatic reaction to hit. It does not hurt, but she takes liberties I have never experienced with others, while acting liek an angel.

Her friends don't know the beast inside of her. This is the first time I am not looking forward seeing her. I bet she is going to break up with me. She senses things aren't right adn she needs to be first. All my money is on that.

[pchang]

Pekka, I think you have a crazy magnet.

[Pekka]

Pekka, I think you have a crazy magnet.

Absolutely. I had sex with a woman maybe over a year ago, and she's been stalking me over the internet ever since. AND her name was not the same as she claimed. It was a combination of two people I've never met.

I dunno... I think part of the problem is that I am way too nice. Too nice. Polite and nice. I make a good living, I don't swear in front of a date till they start doing it. I don't talk trash about others, I smile, look you in the eyes, I don't make advances on you. Respectful. With a good job. That attracts the looneys. Looneys know how to get me. Maybe some inner issue that is still locked that would explain why the crazy appeal to me. They're not obviously sadist or weirdoes from the get go. They hide it. When it gets out, I still don't run. Maybe that attaches them to me "Oh he undertands". From a clinical point of view, yes, and it is fascinating and the fooling around can be quite different.

Again, I saw nightmares on Dr. Lovely. Not explicit, but implicit. I was walking pass this building and I smelled fire, but none of the alarms were on, so I went and tried if the windows were warm or if there were people inside. I heard screaming "call the fire dept. there's people trapped inside!" That was the end of the dream that I remember, but it continued with Dr. Lovely giving me **** how I was not doing it the right way, the calling for help part. I've got no idea what went wrong. I just know she blamed me for something useless.

Then, even a stranger dream, my motorcycle got stolen in it, as I forgot my keys in the lock and backbag next to it. It was found crashed and abandoned. And again, I was berated by her for leaving the keys on, I was some sort of a stupid idiot.

So obviously this is no good, even my subconscious mind takes her form and gives me **** for things I did not do

[pchang]

Well, there's your problem. You are too good in bed!

[Pekka]

Well, there's your problem. You are too good in bed!

I do not think so. Not that I'd be bad.

But it's over now. Met her over a pint and she basically dumped me. Not that I'd disagree with that, but somehow that still ended up sucking. It sucks. I guess I still did like her a lot. I did not believe a word she said, she was trying to make me feel good about it, and possibly better about herself. I realise I am not the only man in her life, so it is good that she ended it now or I'd had had to do it and I'd be second guessing it for a long time. So, officially single again. ****. She did handle it like a good sociopath. I'll ask my whip back, later.

[Pekka]

I can't believe how ****ty I feel. This is what I wanted, yet I feel very ****ty. And tooting my own horn, I knew this was going to happen today. And yet I feel disappointed beyond belief. It was so in the air. Was it because she did it and I did not get to do it first? No. That's not it, at all. SO why do I feel so disappointed? None of it makes sense, yet all of it makes perfect sense.

She did look oddly calm and smiley, and then she just said basically that she does not have any romantic feelings for me and it woudl not be fair to go out for another 3 months to say this then. When I said that I miss her, she did not feel that at all in the last few weeks. Well... she wanted to go over drinks and that lasted for exactly 30 minutes, with a 5 minute it's over now, and a hug and she split fast, and that was that. So, why do I feel ****ty?

[dannubis]

Because you are no sociopath...

I hope you allow yourself to take the time to recover.

[rah]

I can't believe how ****ty I feel. This is what I wanted, yet I feel very ****ty. And tooting my own horn, I knew this was going to happen today. And yet I feel disappointed beyond belief. It was so in the air. Was it because she did it and I did not get to do it first? No. That's not it, at all. SO why do I feel so disappointed? None of it makes sense, yet all of it makes perfect sense.

She did look oddly calm and smiley, and then she just said basically that she does not have any romantic feelings for me and it woudl not be fair to go out for another 3 months to say this then. When I said that I miss her, she did not feel that at all in the last few weeks. Well... she wanted to go over drinks and that lasted for exactly 30 minutes, with a 5 minute it's over now, and a hug and she split fast, and that was that. So, why do I feel ****ty?

You're human. Time will help. And so will another woman. Maybe not today or tomorrow but not that long.

[Pekka]

Because you are no sociopath...

I hope you allow yourself to take the time to recover.

I know... I can't believe I this hurts. She was abusive, exploitative and cruel, and I cannot bring myself to hate her.

She was cold dumping me, I felt as if she acted on feeling uncomfortable. And I am not kidding, trying to make myself feel better.

Rational part of me is thinking this is good. I felt so great for few weeks I did not see her. Yet, I feel crap that she actually dumped me. I feel that I was a poor source for what ever she was looking for. I started to set my boundaries.

There were great discrepancies in her words and actions. They worked wonders individually, both words and stories, and actions. But only separately. When put together, it seems very predatory and calculated. In that sense, I was not expecing her to dump me. Maybe she acquired better sources to play with.

The point she dumped me was when I was declared healthy, too. Might be a coincidence, or not.

This is for my best, and she did it so that's all well. I should get sleep, I took half of my stronger sleep meds, so I'll drop out soon. Tried it naturally for few hours. I guess at least I'll save a lot of money now. To be honest, no one compares close. Maybe it was all in my head. I knwo the feelign was one-sided. She did tell me the last 2 weeks we did not see, she did not miss me a single bit. I thought that was a bit cruel. How can you not miss your supposed boyfriend one bit if you even like him. Or a friend. I got the message alright. Somehow I got a feeling she will not contact me, or try to get me back. I think this is it. I would not go back, but... not cool. Not cool at all. I waited all this time, I took her to places, thought of her, surprised her, all that stuff. Things boyfriends do. I am disappointed. I dunno... I know the rational side for all of this, but it's not helping at the moment. It does not provide comfort. She made so many promises and broke most of them. I gave her slack time after time. Why do I miss the abuser? I am a bit worried, am I addicted to these types of people? She never did the whole oooh I like you so much part. She was always a bit distant and negligent, and cruel, with occasional warmth. Oh well. Sucks. I know I'm OK, as in I don't suck. But another mismatch that could not have worked.

I guess I am always left wondering if she was a real sadist or not. She fits the bill perfectly, but I am no expert. I saw this coming, even though I said this was a total surprise, after she panicked when I called her on her **** once. Implied she has no empathy and that it disturbs me. Not with those words, but in implication - she is intelligent though so she picked it up for sure. I reckon the veil was coming off. Now, I'd like to find a nice woman next. There must be nice women somewhere.

[Pekka]

Still sucks. She dumped me right before her birthday, too. I got her a present I thought she'd like. Now this sucks, things remind me of her. I know I'll get over it, but I don't now what to do to make it go away faster.

I think she did the best she could, broke up over a pint. Face to face. But how come a year's relationship is over in 15 minute "Sorry but I have no feelings for you?".

Sure.

The thing that annoys me is that she kept on saying what a great guy I am, and how much fun we had, and how I have no flaws. Well, how then are you now dumping me? Makes no sense. I know I should not think about it, but I do. At least give me a hint so I can learn something from this. I strongly feel she was lying to me. Strongly. She does not need to tell me the truth, but she could've at least say something else than that. Be original, the "It's not you, it's me" kind of crap. IMO that's cheap. A year, she said that, gave a short hug and just vanished - never to be seen again. edit: that's not how you treat people.

[Bereta_Eder]

She got chicken **** that you discovered that something is "wrong" with her, as she sees it
To her eyes, you're compromised because you cut through her veil.
She is ashamed that you saw through her and didn't put up with all that kind of ****. She is ashamed of herself mostly. A way to minimize hurt is to distance herself from you ASAP. She has done it many times.
She also doesn't have your outmost admiration.


Anyway, the point of interest is not her, it's you.

So ONWARDS