new OKC thread (yet another Savalog)

[Lorizael]

"Hey, want to go to lunch?"
(substitute time appropriate meal... or the ever popular "coffee" which means "going to a place that sells coffee and other things in case you don't want to actually drink coffee"

edgy, but it works

I'm sure I could figure out something to say if I had the opportunity, but I really don't know how to create that opportunity. It's never just us at writing sessions. It's about half a dozen or so people, and we're all sitting together and talking and blah. There doesn't seem to be a chance for me to make a move, because there's never any privacy. The only conceivable opportunity is when we all leave, but then I have to find a way to steer her away from everyone else once we're outside in a way that isn't totally awkward and weird. Because, you know, cornering a woman in a dark parking lot doesn't exactly scream classy.

[Sava]

I'm sure I could figure out something to say if I had the opportunity, but I really don't know how to create that opportunity. It's never just us at writing sessions. It's about half a dozen or so people, and we're all sitting together and talking and blah. There doesn't seem to be a chance for me to make a move, because there's never any privacy. The only conceivable opportunity is when we all leave, but then I have to find a way to steer her away from everyone else once we're outside in a way that isn't totally awkward and weird. Because, you know, cornering a woman in a dark parking lot doesn't exactly scream classy.

I think I understand the problem. It is hard to come up with an effective strategy for this because events are often quite fluid and unfold in certain ways. There are perhaps subtle influences you can have on events that could create opportunity for one on one time. Social media could be a tool in that regard. If there is absolutely no way you can directly talk to her in person, you may want to try increasing (not to a creepy extent) the amount of social media activity.

If you were feeling bold, you could try talking to her in the immediate aftermath of the group if you don't mind doing so in the company of others. Try leaving with her while talking about something. Don't ask her out at this point. Make it a habit of engaging her in one on one conversation many times. Get used to it. Get her used to it.

After this, you could perhaps try setting something up over Facebook. The goal should be to get to the point where it wouldn't be creepy if you saw her somewhere and hollered at her (I mean this not in the context of shouting). "Hey xxxxx, wait up!" at which point you catch up to her and start talking.

You don't necessarily need to steer her when leaving the group. Just walk together with her while talking about something... perhaps a topic from the previous meeting. After all, you are just two people with similar interests who happen to be walking to the same place at the same time. If anything, think of it this way. It would be creepy and awkward if you didn't talk to her. When it comes to the "creep" factor, you obviously don't want to trigger her in any way. One possibility is that she could potentially view such an action as creepy. But often time when dealing with people, you want your behavior to fall within "the norm". If that is the case, then any such reaction on her part would be inappropriate. She'd be the weirdo then, not you.

If she ultimately finds you creepy for doing something socially appropriate, that's on her. At the very least, you will gain a potential sympathy story that could ultimately get you a date with another woman.

"Oh my god, there was this weird chick from my group who totally flipped out when I was trying to talk with her afterwards"

Deniability is the goal. Sure, your motive may ultimately be to get with her. Put that idea on the back burner. Act is if you're never going to be with her. Divorce yourself from that. It takes the pressure off. But then, you also can claim the moral high ground with regards to the creep factor.

"Wow, I was just trying to talk with you. Sorry if I bothered you. Sheesh."

You could also potentially cause her to feel guilty... thereby creating a sense of moral debt on her part. If she senses you are genuinely upset or offended, she'll most likely realize she was the one who committed the social faux pas and thus feel obliged to make amends.



I'm very good at manipulating people.

I tried to cover a little more than the scope of your quandary. Hopefully, at least some of this is helpful, relevant, and/or applicable to your situation.

[Sava]

Also, you aren't a creep... so don't worry that your actions will be creepy. Creeps don't put so much (or any) thought into not seeming creepy. The fact that you are struggling with this means you are normal. Always remember that. Socializing has rules just like any other game. It also takes practice. If you follow those rules, you're golden. However, it is not a guarantee because she may be crazy or something. If that's the case, you are better off without her anyways.

Worst case, she'll get freaked out and call you a creep. Then, call up some established platonic female friends. Share your story with them. You'll not only get the validation of being normal, but you may trigger some sort of matchmaking thing in their brains. Whenever two people talk about you behind your back, the story will be how you are this nice guy (not a "nice guy", btw) who was treated poorly by a psychohosebeast.

[Lorizael]

Thanks for all the words, Sava. I struggle with not wanting to come across as creepy, weird, forward, vulnerable, etc. Because of that, my instinct in social situations I don't have a firm handle on is to just avoid them entirely, for fear of doing any of the above. Hanging out with my writing group is a mode I understand; I've been doing it for 6 years. The moment I leave that mode, though (like when we all get up and leave the restaurant), I flip a mental switch to a new and weird mode where I don't know the rules anymore. And then my instincts kick in and I go the other way. It's something I need to work on. Bla bla.

[ricketyclik]

The flipside of intelligence: overthinking.

[Sava]

The flipside of intelligence: overthinking.

Just roll with it Lori. It takes practice, but isn't impossible. I had to work on this stuff a lot. You'll get it.

[I AM MOBIUS]

And then all the dates will start flooding in...

Start a topic in your book group near the end of the evening and get to the interesting part as you have to leave.

Send her a fb message saying hey how about continuing with that conversation somewhere like a coffee shop...?

Or find out any interests she might have that correspond to exhibitions or galleries etc and fb message her if she fancies tagging along...

You're overthinking the stuff that could go wrong and underthinking manufacturing situations to get her alone with you.

If I was in your book club, and single, I would have banged her already...

[Lorizael]

I am not in a goddamn book club.

[N35t0r]

[I AM MOBIUS]

[Sava]

[Sava]

A few things. My drought has ended.

Also, I have two companions now.

I had to be honest with myself. I'd love to meet my "soulmate" or whatever... some day. But until then, I'd like to spend quality time with a few different women and leave myself open... allowing things to develop over time. I typically don't do well when all my eggs are in one basket.

I don't consider these women to be just sex partners. They aren't sperm receptacles. Each of them is awesome in their own way. They are great people and I'm honored to spend time with them

[ricketyclik]

And in them.

[Sava]

Yes.

[Lorizael]

I've been considering setting a new drought record. I'm not sure what my current record is, though; it depends on how you count. My longest gap between any instances of sexual contact is 2 years and a few months. Between instances of full-on intercourse, my record is ~5 years, because I wasn't able to break my second girlfriend of her Christian prudishness until the end of our relationship, at which point I decided it would be a bad idea to take her virginity, because I'd been lying to her for 2 years straight (which is all tied up with why I broke up with her--I knew she was going to let me have sex with her soon, and I didn't want her to regret that decision, so I broke up with her instead. If this doesn't make a lick of sense to you, you're not alone.). But, of course, I also went the first 16 years of my life without any sexual contact at all, and 17 years without ye olde copulation.

So 2 years, 5 years, 16 years, and 17 years. I'm at a little over a year and a half right now. I could totally make it past the first milestone without much effort on my part. The others, well, I might accidentally have sex before I break those records. Happened to a friend of mine a couple times, after all.