[serious] I don't know what to do.

[Hauldren Collider]

One of my best friends just died. He was freshman at Yale. Just about a week ago I talked to him about microfiche plates and programming in Python and now he's gone. They don't know how he died yet, some think it was a suicide, but I refuse to believe that.

He was one of the coolest kids I've ever met, friendly to everyone, could always make anyone smile and I'm not exaggerating. Also incredibly bright. Liked to play the guitar. I was looking forward to seeing him again this summer and now I know that won't be possible.

I don't know how to handle this. I feel absolutely awful and am crying right now. So I feel pitiful too, wondering if that's normal or just pathetic. Does anyone here have any experience with this. Please no jokes.

[MRT144]

One of my best friends just died. He was freshman at Yale. Just about a week ago I talked to him about microfiche plates and programming in Python and now he's gone. They don't know how he died yet, some think it was a suicide, but I refuse to believe that.

He was one of the coolest kids I've ever met, friendly to everyone, could always make anyone smile and I'm not exaggerating. Also incredibly bright. Liked to play the guitar. I was looking forward to seeing him again this summer and now I know that won't be possible.

I don't know how to handle this. I feel absolutely awful and am crying right now. So I feel pitiful too, wondering if that's normal or just pathetic. Does anyone here have any experience with this. Please no jokes.

It's totally normal.

[Al B. Sure!]

Of course that's normal.

[DaShi]

My condolences, HC.

[Elok]

I'm very fortunate; I've yet to lose anyone close to me in my life. But if I did, I'd be kind of freaked out if I DIDN'T cry. So don't worry about it. Wish I could console you, but I'm lousy at that kind of thing. The best I can say is that time heals all wounds and (hopefully) you have a lot of time ahead of you. My wife lost her sister and brother-in-law in a horrible accident (which she was present and performed CPR at) back in 2007. She was miserable for a long time, of course. Cried on and off for days, was depressed for weeks, sad for months. We were married in 2009, had our first kid this January. Now she's perfectly happy. It's going to suck, but it will get better.

[Egbert]

HC, my condolences.

Your reaction is normal.

The typical phases of grieving are:
(varies from person to person and the closeness of the person you lost)
- stunned disbelief
- pain, intense
- anger at being abandoned or sometimes a feeling of being abandoned (sometimes but not always and not for all people)
- a gradual coming to terms with the loss

The process can take months (depending on closeness of relations)

[Lorizael]

So I feel pitiful too, wondering if that's normal or just pathetic.

It doesn't matter if it's normal or pathetic; it's just what you have to do to get through it. My condolences.

[Guynemer]

It is completely normal.

This may not be the best place for this sort of thing, but we're here to listen to you, and help, if we can.

EDIT: "this" meaning an internet forum full of jackanapes and scoundrels, not the internet in general.

[Asher]

Really sorry to hear that.

I've had one friend (not a close friend) who committed suicide back in university, and my SO had a classmate of his commit suicide about six months after graduation from university. It's always a shock -- both of them would be people you'd never expect to do it. It's often said the people who are quickest to laugh are the most sad inside.

You'll feel how you feel and there's no controlling that. I hope you've got good friends around you there. Do what you need to do -- vent, cry, think, talk, whatever.

[SlowwHand]

Sorry. Whatever problems he had are over now. I'll say a prayer.

[Hauldren Collider]

Thank you all for your condolences. It really does mean a lot to me. Seriously.

I feel like sharing this story, perhaps it will make me feel better. I think you all will find it amusing regardless:


This is a picture of us at the christmas tree in front of the Capitol over christmas break 2010. Zach's the one in the yellow jumpsuit on the far left. I'm the person in the white coat he's grabbing. It was absolutely freezing and Zach was wearing one of his usual crazy outfits. The guy never dressed normally. Ever. And he always had a blonde afro. He's the only guy I knew that could pull it off. At any rate, he wasn't wearing anything under the ski jumpsuit except his boxers. So when we had to go through the metal detector at the National Archives, they made him take off his coat to put in the scanner...and hilarity ensued. He got to run around the national archives in his underwear.

That's pretty much what he was like all the time. Didn't care a bit if other people thought he was weird, so in the end, everyone liked him. Hard to believe he's gone.

[notyoueither]

Sounds like a good person. My condolences, HC.

[SlowwHand]

Clowns clown around for many reasons. Masking feelings is one of them. It's a shame. I'd like an update on the circumstances of his passing, when you hear and if you feel like sharing.

[Tuberski]

Thank you all for your condolences. It really does mean a lot to me. Seriously.

I feel like sharing this story, perhaps it will make me feel better. I think you all will find it amusing regardless:


This is a picture of us at the christmas tree in front of the Capitol over christmas break 2010. Zach's the one in the yellow jumpsuit on the far left. I'm the person in the white coat he's grabbing. It was absolutely freezing and Zach was wearing one of his usual crazy outfits. The guy never dressed normally. Ever. And he always had a blonde afro. He's the only guy I knew that could pull it off. At any rate, he wasn't wearing anything under the ski jumpsuit except his boxers. So when we had to go through the metal detector at the National Archives, they made him take off his coat to put in the scanner...and hilarity ensued. He got to run around the national archives in his underwear.

That's pretty much what he was like all the time. Didn't care a bit if other people thought he was weird, so in the end, everyone liked him. Hard to believe he's gone.

Before reading the story underneath, I knew which one was the friend in question. I am truly sorry for your loss.

[MikeH]

My condolences HC. As others have said your feelings are totally normal.

If it does turn out that he took his own life you will probably feel guilty, thinking you should have been able to do something, because again that's normal. You should try hard not to blame yourself. People who are depressed can become extremely good at hiding it from others.

You can keep his memory alive by remembering your good times together. If it's possible to go to his funeral I find that really does help, it helps you, and in some ways it helps his family to see he has friends who loved him.