Your diagnosis - have I become utterly insane?

[Pekka]

Good news, I'm not utternly insane yet!

I received a call that I'm in top 2 for the position. Final round, final battle is to commence. I got genuinely excited to hear the news so I'm still fairly OK.

[Pekka]

I just took a huge risk. This is a game changer for me. I let other owners know that I'm not happy with the situation, and that it has come to a point where I'm not happy anymore. I'm miserable every day. The compensation is simply not enough and the future is not what we want it to be because we are not following our plans and no one seems to pay attention. So, I'm leaving.

This was taken in a manner of understanding where I come from but probably as a significant step back as well for the company. I didn't give up stock, after all I invested most in the beginning, I've been most active. I'm just taking more passive role from now on, owner role. I'm reserving the stock to anyone who is bringing us results in the future. So result based ownership from now on.

If this fails, I'm most likely to face changing my career path. I'd have to start all over. This is a risky proposition, I simply have no savings. I'd have to take a crap job, anything, at the level of serving food at Subway or something, while starting a new company that does something else than IT.

So I'm taking a HUGE risk right now but I figure better to know now than prolong the situation and have it hurt even more later. Our baby turned 1 year old and another is still months away from birth so financially speaking I better use all my bullets and see which ones are blanks right now, in a year or two it'll be too late. I can work at a Subway knowing I tried my best and that there were things that I can't control.

[DaShi]

Dude, you have kids to worry about. Your happiness is in the past. The future is about theirs.

[Pekka]

Dude, you have kids to worry about. Your happiness is in the past. The future is about theirs.

Of course Which is exactly why I'm taking this risk. To make money, to get steady income. Risk is losing money for the company - the company was my dream. Now it can't be anymore. So I'm choosing to quit it to do something ordinary but something that pays well (if I get the job). Dude, I'm getting a job

Positive note, I got another lead yesterday for a similar job. The pay is similar, it's more dynamic in terms of projects, but won't be as "respectable" as the one I'm gunning for now. DaShi, will I earn your respect? I really need it in order to move on with my life!

[ZEE]

.

[Pekka]

Another action taken DaShi!

Just had a long discussion with the company people who gave me their support to pursue the job and become a less of a resources for a while. Also gained an extremely valuable recommendation. So everything looks good so far.

Can I have your respect now, DaShi? Please?

[DaShi]

Of course Which is exactly why I'm taking this risk. To make money, to get steady income. Risk is losing money for the company - the company was my dream. Now it can't be anymore. So I'm choosing to quit it to do something ordinary but something that pays well (if I get the job). Dude, I'm getting a job

Positive note, I got another lead yesterday for a similar job. The pay is similar, it's more dynamic in terms of projects, but won't be as "respectable" as the one I'm gunning for now. DaShi, will I earn your respect? I really need it in order to move on with my life!

Maybe...maybe.

[Pekka]

Maybe...maybe.

But that's not a yes. If you're Japanese, that's most likely a no. At least that's my understanding (I might be wrong). If you're me, it's likely to mean yes. If you're a new business acquaintance, it means definitely no, but if we know each other way back it definitely means yes. SO WHICH ONE IS IT?!

Tomorrow, final frontier, we are digging into battle positions as we speak.

[MikeH]

Well done Pekka, positive stuff.

[Pekka]

A good day... got everyone to recommend me who I talked to and asked, have a possibility to do some tiny amount of work for my company in the future as my time allows it. Even if I lose tomorrow, I came heavily, stacked with recommendations (they are carefully chosen of course). I can't do better than that at this time of my life. I even bought new shoes (with credit, of course) just for this one.

About well being in general, I discovered a new thought I haven't yet thought about enough. It's a relative to being appreciative and being humble. I think I need to forgive myself everyday that I am not perfect and cannot achieve everything I want to. I have typical idiotic way of thinking: I lost a race for 70k but gained most likely 10k for the future in terms of sales. So at the end of the day, most likely I made 10k for the company, right? Not a lot of money, but still, 10k. That's not what I thought and felt. I felt strongly that I failed to secure 80k and instead lost 60k and all the future revenue (which isn't even true, you can make a yes out of a no later on sometimes). So, I live with that kind of thinking all the time, so in that world, of course I always lose. I lose emotionally and am stressed out. I can live with it, but let's just say I'm a combination of competitiveness, stress and at the moment those two are not mixing in a way I want them to mix. I want to perform well under stress, but now it seems like it's affecting me in a way where I need to forgive myself, reduce the stress, prioritize what REALLY is important (family) and open myself to that. When I'm (and many others) stressed out, we close up a little as well, emotionally, and become difficult to reach into our reach out. So we become a bit distant because that's how some of us try to deal with stress, to keep it out. That's not the answer though. In a prolonged situation, where stress has embedded me, I figured I need to forgive myself. Smell the roses and stuff. I can't smell them now even if I try, so I need to take few steps back that come before that and I think forgiveness is the first step. Not sure, I'll let you know (obviously).

[Pekka]

damn it... I think I blew the last interview. I don't know why, I just have a feeling it didn't go as well as it should have. Well... we'll see, I have a new job in a month if it works out, if not... guess it's back to running after ambulances and being an entrepreneur.