Your diagnosis - have I become utterly insane?

[Pekka]

As of last few months, I've grown increasingly tired of my own thoughts and behavior.

My real problem is that I'm becoming more and more inconsistent with my days. I might be very motivated 9AM and couldn't care less an hour later. This roller coaster of motivation and feeling toward different things can rapidly change. In 5 minutes, I can be indifferent about what I just was passionate about earlier. Granted, my few things that I've always liked and been passionate about, I won't become indifferent for those. But as for other stuff? I ride the wave all day long. I love it, I hate it, love it again, hate it again. When I repeat this cycle for say... 50 to hundred times a day, it's EXHAUSTING!

I keep it to myself though. I have to mask it. It adds to me being tired.

I find myself staying home more than I go to office. I work from home, sure, but I keep pushing certain things forward, which is like poison. I used to do all I can right when I could. Now? I just don't feel like going outside very much. I don't think this is depression though. But the intensity of feeling motivated and not motivated is tiresome and it's getting me. I feel like it blurs my analytical skills and rationality, and in the long run my decision making is hindered by low energy and failed perceptions of the situation (which is normally my strong point and why I get my way).

Ideally, I'd just quit everything I'm doing now and focused on my health and family. I'd want to travel a bit, read a lot (I have a long queue of unread books I've bought), learn to cook better, hit the gym more, see friends more. That's about it. But I can't afford these things right now. I feel like I'm sabotaging myself and half realizing it. I'm worried about that. Half sabotaging as in I know what I should do and yet I don't follow it.

[dannubis]

Dude, don't be too hard on yourself. A lot has changed for you oer the past 2 years. I have known people who have crashed because of less.

[Pekka]

Dude, don't be too hard on yourself. A lot has changed for you oer the past 2 years. I have known people who have crashed because of less.

I realize that. I try to relax, I try to think positively. I try to put things into perspective. But it seems that it's not that simple even when it should be. It's not the outside things that are going wrong, it's the things inside. This way of thinking, these waves if up and down that come now every day are the problem, or a manifestation of another problem. But these waves I want to be away from. I'm not sure psychologists could be of help in this situation either. I need bigger changes than that.

[Provost Harrison]

You, my friend, need a holiday. Easier said than done, I know...

Hang on, I can't find the smiley I need to express this emotion. Where are all the goddamn smilies?

At least we still have angry

[dannubis]

I realize that. I try to relax, I try to think positively. I try to put things into perspective. But it seems that it's not that simple even when it should be. It's not the outside things that are going wrong, it's the things inside. This way of thinking, these waves if up and down that come now every day are the problem, or a manifestation of another problem. But these waves I want to be away from. I'm not sure psychologists could be of help in this situation either. I need bigger changes than that.

Go see a psychologist. You don't need big changes. However, you want them RIGHT NOW which makes them seem big. Small steps forward...

[Pekka]

You, my friend, need a holiday. Easier said than done, I know...

Hang on, I can't find the smiley I need to express this emotion. Where are all the goddamn smilies?

At least we still have angry

Yes!!!!! I do need a vacation. Maybe I can go somewhere, a cabin or something, to the woods for a week. Take phone with me only in case of emergency, otherwise just few good books, some necessary stuff, to make it comfortable enough. That, plus some whiskey, mushrooms and perhaps other mild, ummmm, let's get naked and feel the earth, connect to it. Come back a new man. Shed off my skin. Like a ritual. I think I really need it. Vacation would be great, but I think I need an experience of shedding my skin as well.

I think I need to, figuratively speaking, die off first so I can be born again and live in a way that I am supposed to - to the fullest and feeling things in the most appreciative way possible. So I need a ritual to do that, and that ritual would need to include extreme realization, facing all fears at the same time, to be completely knocked out but remembering most or all of it. Only that way can it happen. I might be wrong but somehow my intuition is telling me this.

[Pekka]

dannubis, maybe... but that might have an affect on my security clearance. Not sure, have to make sure.

[rah]

Screw it, go on vacation and DON"T take your phone. Otherwise it's not really a vacation.
And imho, no one here deserves or needs a vacation as much as you do.

[Provost Harrison]

Nothing like a good break. Otherwise it is diagnosis: murder

[ZEE]

.

[Pekka]

If you are making yourself crazy Pekka you are not crazy, just depressed/confused/guilty about something. Or very stressed out.

Real-deal, multiple diagnosed over several decades, Charles Manson-type schizos like AAHZ make it look easy because we don't even try to argue with ourselves or 'pump ourselves up'. We just do things the rest of the world for some reason says is dangerous and bizzare. Thats our normal behavior with no guilt or confusion.

thats the difference.

I know I don't have schizophrenia. Not that type of insanity. Just very tired.

I talked to my "mentor" today and he said he's OK if I take another job/vacation/any kind of solution I see fit. His opinion is the only one I really care about anyway in there, and he is the only one who knows my situation because I trust him enough. So I got that off my back now, I just need to make few business cases, or just one, and I can take a cheap vacation somewhere. Maybe I could go hiking. Hiking alone. For some reason I feel like I need to go alone, not a family vacation. We can do family vacation after that. I'm just really tired in all possible ways. I need that sparkle back. The one that says, "it's a new day full of opportunities".

[Sava]

I vote yes

[BlackCat]

You certainly need a vacation and a good laugh

[Fake Boris]

Could you be a functional bipolar whose difficulties have been exacerbated by the situation?

[DaShi]

Dude, you're going to have two kids. Your life is over.